frustrated

[lwoh]

I am new to this forum, or any online forum… I guess I really need an outlet tonight. It will probably be a long post. I am in my late 20’s and have little dating experience. I am originally from Asia, which might explain the lack of dating experience. I consider myself an ordinary-looking girl, I am only 5’2’’. no make up, or low-cut shirt. I spent most of my time on study/work. But I am not boring, that I have to emphasize. I always had a lot of guy friends when I was at school, although I never fell in love with any of them. I was in a LDR which did not work out after on and off for a few years.

 

The most unfortunate thing in my life was that I fell in love with my supervisor/boss at the university. He was young, good-looking, ambitious, and successful. We spent a lot of time together working. Over time I felt there is this special bonding between us. He would ask me to go to work on weekends in his office even though we did not have any deadline or even if there was work to be done, there was absolutely no need to be physically together. I could work from home. We were always on the phone, often talked until 2:00am on work and non-work related topics. He liked to tease me. He somehow found everything I do, every move, is funny. The way I laugh, the way I talk. For example, I probably appeared to be very bored in a big department meeting, and after coming out of the meeting, he would laugh and tell me “what were you doing then? Your head was like this, your hand was doing that …” I felt that his eyes were following me all the time, I have to say that I enjoyed all the attention. However I also knew that we could never date. He was my supervisor and he was in a steady LDR. And I honestly thought I am not in his league. His girl friend is beautiful and rich. She loves him a lot and takes good care of him. I felt that they live in a different world from mine and I never feel jealous of her.

 

I told him a few times that he needed to change the way he talked to me, stop teasing me, because all that extra attention made it difficult for me to get rid of the special feelings I had for him. He would stop it for a while, but it always came back shortly. I later gave up on telling him that he needed to be careful, because honestly, I really liked him and enjoyed all the flirting. I would get disappointed if he did not call me at least 10 times a day. He did call me a lot. Whenever he feels like. When he is on the way to work, to a restaurant, back home. He always seemed to have things to say to me. He would call just to wake me up because I said I was having trouble getting out of bed every day. I did not even hide my jealousy when he talked to other female students and he sometimes teased me for the jealousy. He assured me that he liked me the most and there was no need to feel jealous. He never use emails for this kind of conversation. I became so comfortable in our relationship and became very bossy. He said I became his boss and yelled at him all the time, but he never got upset and even seemed to enjoy that. Once my roommate heard me talking to him on the phone, she insisted that our conversations sounded more like lovers’ quarrel.

 

After a year, I decided that I really needed to fall out of love with him because I need to think about serious dating, but somehow I felt that I needed a closure. I’d like to know whether he had feelings for me all this time. I never doubted his love for his girl friend, but then I always believe that human feeling is not either white or black. There is always a gray area and I needed to know that he did have feelings for me although he did not love me. I confronted him, and his answer was that there was no gray area. I asked him if he ever realized he was flirting with me, his answer was ‘maybe. I don’t know. I did not mean to hurt you. I am very very sorry.” When I burst into tears, he asked me whether a different answer would make me happy. I said yes, because all I wanted is a closure. I wanted to know the special moments we had were true, not some illusions. He finally said as long as he is my supervisor, he would not change his answer. It was a dangerous thing because anything between a supervisor and a student goes wrong, the professor always gets the blame. He said because I seemed to be happy all the time so he never thought our close relationship was actually unhealthy for me. Regarding all the extra attention, he argued that that’s because he deeply cares about my career. But if I wanted to be treated like other students, he would do that.

 

I have moved on, but I am having trouble picking up signals from guys. I have been accused of ignoring signals and misleading guys. I am guessing it has a lot to do with the experience I had with the supervisor at the school. Because if the relationship I had with him was perfectly normal, then how could I have misled these other guys? I was not behaving more flirtatious at all. The conversations were not more intimate than those between my supervisor and me.

 

I am so frustrated and confused.

[mikicmikido]

It is so hard to give an opinion on things like this because words can not convey the looks or the smiles or the hands brushing against eachother that give simple words a lot of extra meaning. That man, I believe, fully knew that he was flirting and probably enjoyed the attention and excitement of it too. He used his position as a safety net for himself to keep you at a distance. Pretty unfair, but also very human I think.

 

You should really trust what you KNOW to be true, that he did have feelings for you and that there was flirting and a special bond between you both. That doesn't mean that you wre ever going to be together though, but you should not be doubting yourself. You spoke to him about the subject on several occasions, so he knew FULL well.

[LN99]

I feel for you. I really do, because I found myself in a similiar situation not long ago. You probably feel like you are paranoid and overanalyzed everything, but the point is, that you didn't! I believe that these things did go on and he had some sort of feelings for you....

 

But there are two VERY apparent red flags...

-One: being your Supervisor/professor/boss

-Two: He's in a LDR and has a GF!

 

I mean sure he could always break up with the Gf, but then that leaves you and HIM with the possibility of getting in trouble for dating because of him being in authority over you.

 

I think he did like you....or at least was attracted to you. His GF wasn't always around and you were. But, he knew that it COULDN'T go beyond flirting. So he kept it at that. Honestly, I doubt he will ever admit to what happened in fear of you filing a complaint against him or of somoene finding out about it. So he, of course, is gonna say it was completely professional. The best thing you can do is to move on. I know it must be hard seeing him all the time etc. But I think that if anything you should feel flattered that you did get his attention and realize that men DO find you attractive. You just met the wrong one to be attracted to. And I know how it is.....getting into your studies and not dating much, you tend to fall for someone who you work closely with, who notices things about you... and you just can't help the feelings.

 

But you need to move on and find someone who IS available to you. Use the fact that he was attracted to you to boost your confidence and find someone who you are able to have a normal relationship with.

 

I know thats what Im trying to do.... It's just best that way....

 

Good Luck ok?

[lwoh]

Thanks so much for listening to me and giving your advice.

 

I never thought about dating him. I once said that other than our professional ambition, we had nothing in common in our lives. He is always dressed up very nicely. and I never bother to remember world-class designers' names. (But he said if I think his life is all about fashion and other superficial things, I am really wrong about him.) I never feel jealous of his GF. She is great for him.

 

I am trying to move on but it is really having some negative effect on how I deal with other guys. If I see any signal, I would tell myself "nah. it does not mean anything". even if it means going out to dinner with some one and talking to the person for hours and noticing the spike in the guy's eyes when he sees me. Or a guy looking into my eyes for really long time...i don't know how to interpret them anymore....and some guys are claiming that they are very confused and are even a little annoyed.

 

I am mostly bothered by this. I thought the only remedy is that he would acknowledge that he had feelings for me. but like you guys said, it will never happen.

[LN99]

Ok, so if your over this professor guy, then what?

 

Are you sure secretly you didn't have a thing for him? Even if he is with someone else, you respect that, and you never wanted to actually date him? I mean that extra attention is nice isn't it?

 

I think you need to step back and figure out what you really want. I think at this point your confused. (Heck, I am and would be too!) But in my situation, I'm talking to someone else now. But take some time, evaluate your feelings and just focus on other things. When someone comes along and YOU feel the same, then it will happen for you. I think right now your just not ready...or the guys who are hitting on you are ones that you just aren't into. Because, trust me, if you were, you would KNOW when they were flirting with you and you would react in some way. Just hang in there. Someone will come along and spark your interest again. It doesn't necessarily matter if you spark their interest, but it ALSO HAS to spark YOUR interest. Right now, thats just not happening....and thats ok.

 

I know I was very skeptical after everything that happened and wondered if IM just totally reading the signs wrong. But I know deep down I read them right. It's just the circumstances that make it SO wrong....and maybe thats why it secretly thrilled me. But It took a slap back into reality to realize that I am happy for him and his gf(crazy he is also in a LDR) and I wish him the best. Plus I realized that this is his career, and he enjoys it.

I realized that no matter how I feel or how or IF he feels anything, it still doesn't change the fact that it's off limits. But the one very good thing in this whole situation is that it gave me confidence. The confidence I was missing when it came to men in general. I needed that(after getting out of a serious relationship that ended badly w/ him cheating), and now IM finally realizing that I am attractive and smart and shouldn't settle. Also, that I have a lot of potential to be successful in my career. Sometimes it takes someone in authority to make you realize that. It's really an ego boost!

 

So hang in there ok? You will be fine.

[lwoh]

Hi Ln99...thanks so much

 

where might I find your posts about your experience?

[LN99]

They are on here somewhere.... I know I posted about it a few months ago..

 

The guy I was talking about even flirts with me to this day, but I have been reminding myself that he is with someone and everything is off limits. Its fustrating...I know. But, its for the best.