I am so depressed (and stupid)

[Stupidity]

At the outset, I just want to say that I'm in a lot of pain right now, so please don't add to it by being judgmental. I'm already juding myself pretty badly.

 

To sum up my situation: Married 7 years with one child. Marriage was arranged (from a culture that still practices arranged marriages). Husband & I never had any compatibility. He made it plain that he married me only because his relatives put a gun to his head and made him do it. Why? I have no idea. Anyway, our married life is completely ruined by his being emotionally cold and unavailable to me from the start. In my entire married life, I've had sex a total of seven times - one for each year we've been married. Obligate sex, so to speak. Unfortunately, we managed to bring a child into this unholy mess. I am now at the point that I don't even TRY to get his attention anymore. Why ask for more rejection?

 

Anyway, after years of crying myself to sleep and believing that I was drop dead UGLY (or why else would my lawfully wedded husband have to force himself to bed once a year with me?) I finally met someone who gave me some much needed attention. He's extremely good looking, very intelligent, well read, mature, caring... and yes, he's married, too. Apparently, very happily married (if all accounts are to be believed). In fact, he and his wife are trying to have a baby now.

 

He & I are in a professional relationship and see each other 2 X a week. I can't tell you how MUCH I look f/w to these meetings, even though I pretend that I don't. The emotion I'm experiencing when he's around just eats me up from the inside. I have NEVER felt this way with ANYONE before.

 

I'm doomed. Not only am I very unhappily married (with no way out except death), but I'm also infatuated with someone who is also unavailable. In addition, I am pretty sure that if he finds out that I have these feelings for him that he'd be angry. He knows that I have a husband and a child, but nothing else. He seems to have observed me enough to comment that I have very low self-esteem (very true), and I am sure that he would just go ballistic if he found out what I feel for him, thinking "Gee, I gave her SOME attention and now she's got a crush on me!" and would just revert back to the purely professional relationship mode.

 

Moreover, he's used to having women moon over him. I've heard from other women that he's quite a hit with the ladies and that there are at least a couple each year that have the 'hots' for him. I'll just be another statistic to him, anyway.

 

I don't know - part of me thinks that I should just cut him off cold turkey. Be professional, be sincere, but GET MY HEAD OUT OF MY ASS and act like an adult. I am feeling suicidal now. I've wanted to kill myself many times before - when my husband repeatedly rejected me and I couldn't even leave him - but these feelings of depression have intensified over the past couple of months and I am really wanting to die. He's ALWAYS in my head these days. Many mornings I wake up wondering if that day would be my 'lucky day' - maybe a truck would obligingly run over me - but nope. Every day, I'm still here.

 

Help!

[AHIWON]

Sorry to hear what you are going thru. You aren't stupid. If you have suicidal thoughts right now then you should head for your nearest hospital emerg. department. They will be able to get you the immediate help you need. Afterwards when that issue is under control you could try individual counseling combined with marriage counseling to work on your marriage. Things will work out and get better. No matter how bad things seem there are solutions and you will be happy again.

 

Good luck and keep posting here. It's very helpful.

[daphne]

Sweetie,

 

This guy at work is a really bad idea. I understand that you're starved for attention, but he's married and he sounds like a cocky sob anyway. If you can't get what you need from your husband, I would consider leaivng him and starting over. It'll hurt at first, but you'll be much better off in teh long run.

 

Leaving him would leave you open to healthier people. Married guy is not. You are not going to get married guy. He sounds narcissistic (he's happily married but wants some attention on teh side to build up his ego). You need someone with true intentions to build up your self esteem. And until you find that, being alone and doing things for yourself will help. Your husband is only going to kill it altogether.

 

Life's too short to live it so miserably. When you think that your best chance is a guy who can't give you anything but occasional ego strokes, you're settling for very little.

 

Good luck.

[ruby_gloom]

Firstly, I'm sorry to read what you are going through. It sounds very saddening.

 

Before I say anything else, though, I have a question:

 

Not only am I very unhappily married (with no way out except death)

 

Why is this so?

 

Is divorce not an option for you? Or do you simply feel like it isn't (for any reason)?

[burning 4 revenge]

Why is this so?

 

Is divorce not an option for you? Or do you simply feel like it isn't (for any reason)?

Because her husband will cut off her head.

 

I also hope Alphamale reads this thread, so that I can refer to it anytime he ludicrously asserts that these old world arranged marraiges are so much better than what we have now.

[mental_traveller]

I think your only option is to get divorced as soon as you are able. Since you have an ok job, you're in a much better position than most women. Also, your husband may initially hate the idea, but eventually he will probably be grateful. Men don't like being in sexless, cold, and unloving marriages any more than women do.

 

I'm not sure exactly what the cultural issues are, since you don't say where you are from, what cultural background you have etc. I have a bit of experience in the arranged marriage area, since my ex gf got pressured into an arranged marriage in her early 20s. It was worse in her case since she was in love with another guy at the time. Anyway, it was a complete disaster and she divorced within 1 year. She does not regret divorcing at all, even though she is in a country where there is considerable social stigma for being divorced. Her family was initially unhappy, but came around eventually.

 

So, if you are in N America or Europe (a fair bet if you are posting here), then really I don't care how much you think it might cause a fuss if you divorce, unless your relatives would literally use violence against you for divorcing, you have no excuse not to. Even forgetting your own interests, it's not fair to keep your husband in this sham marriage, or to bring a kid up this way.

 

As for this crush you have - speaking as a man, it would be incredibly unlikely that he would be angry at you in any way for admitting you find him attractive. 99% of men in that situation would be either flattered, or interested in reciprocating. However, he is married so it would be utter folly to ever tell him of your interest. Best case, you feel like an idiot when he says he loves his wife and isn't interested, and then your work suffers too due to the tension. Worst case, he likes you back and you have a disastrous affair, wrecking your work, destroying his marriage, getting found out by your husband/relatives, and there's no chance he would leave his wife (even if he says otherwise). And yes, in the event that you did do anything together, most likely you'd just be a "statistic" for him.

 

The best thing for you to do is recognise that this crush is just a natural response to you having no affection from your husband. It's nature's way of telling you it's time to get out. These feelings are not based on a true appreciation of this man's character (since he's married), they are just your body responding for lack of male interest. Recognise it for the superficial thing that it is, and don't confuse it for any kind of real love or affection. Then put it out of your mind and just act 100% professional when this guy is around.

 

To sum up: i) start preparing yourself mentally for divorce ii) control your feeligns for this guy & act 100% professional iii) discretely visit a counsellor and explain your situation. You could really benefit from some professional advice.

 

Good luck.

[mental_traveller]

Sorry to hear what you are going thru. You aren't stupid. If you have suicidal thoughts right now then you should head for your nearest hospital emerg. department. They will be able to get you the immediate help you need. Afterwards when that issue is under control you could try individual counseling combined with marriage counseling to work on your marriage. Things will work out and get better. No matter how bad things seem there are solutions and you will be happy again.

 

Good luck and keep posting here. It's very helpful.

 

Good advice up until the bit where you suggested working on the marriage. Sorry but there is no way this marriage will ever work. Also, simply to suggest marriage counselling to the husband in an arranged marriage will often make the wife's life much worse. In most cases it would be considered dishonourable/shameful to involve a stranger in a family matter, and it would also force the husband to admit to failure, something he would be loathe to do. The most likely result is he takes offence and takes it out on her, either by becoming even more cold, or becoming angry.

 

It's much better if she, with the utmost secrecy, gets counselling from someone who is familiar with arranged marriages and her cultural background. They'll be able to understand the different issues involved, compared to a typical person who is just used to the normal western marriage.

[AHIWON]

Cases like this is ok to comfort the person as much as possible. There is hope for all kinds of things. Not to debate if she should stay with her husband. Get this womans depression fixed first then she can decide whats right for her.

 

I've been wondering about the OP all day. Hasn't come back, might have gone to emerg hopefully.

[Stupidity]

Thanks to all of you for writing back to me.

 

AHIWON, thank you for thinking about me. It feels a little better to know that there are some genuinely caring souls out there.

 

To update: Actually, I haven't been to work this week. This attraction is getting too hot to handle, so I called in sick. I've since emailed him twice but he hasn't responded to either. I know he's checking his work emails because I spoke to a coworker of mine and he apparently made some reference to the emails I had sent him. Luckily, I kept both emails very professional looking even though I'm just dying inside.

 

Should I just quit?

[RichC]

Quitting is an option. Will this raise questions in the family over why you quit? It may make you feel relieved but its always better to have job ready than be looking for a job, at least in my view. I am assuming that you will have to go into hiding if you try to divorce the husband. Am i right? Will your family come after you to restore the family's "honor"?

[mental_traveller]

Don't quit, it will make you far more dependent upon your husband - not what you want right now, I don't think. Can you get a transfer or something? Also, can you elaborate on your home situation and why it's so difficult to consider leaving at some point in future.