sleepyfantasy Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Hi there, Recently, I have been "volunteered" for marriage by my family. It's a weird situation, I guess, compared to other arranged couples I've heard of. We're allowed to meet, date, and get to know one another before we actually marry. So, basically, we can have somewhat of a normal relationship. We get along well and everything, but I still worry that we might not last. Any tips that might help? Thanks much!
Porn_Guy Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 We get along well and everything, but I still worry that we might not last. statistically, arranged marriages have a much higher success rate than non-arranged marriages.
whichwayisup Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Are you allowed to break up with him if you don't like him? Or is it carved in stone that you must marry him, no matter what? I don't know much about arranged marriages, but I say if you start dating him and aren't 'feeling' anything for him, do not marry him. Not sure if your family will be alright with that or not though. How old are you?
Author sleepyfantasy Posted April 5, 2007 Author Posted April 5, 2007 Are you allowed to break up with him if you don't like him? Or is it carved in stone that you must marry him, no matter what? I don't know much about arranged marriages, but I say if you start dating him and aren't 'feeling' anything for him, do not marry him. Not sure if your family will be alright with that or not though. How old are you? I have to give it a year before I'm allowed to break anything off. So, yeah, I have to marry him, but if we can't work things out in a year, we can end it. Oh, and I just turned 19.
whichwayisup Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Can I ask what your culturial background is? I feel for you....I mean, at 19 noone really is ready to settle down and get married...I know I wasn't!! People do so much growing and changing into their 20's. Remember that it's your life and (yes even if it pisses your family off) you're the one living it so you wanna make sure you're happy and with the right person for the right reasons.
Porn_Guy Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 when it comes to arranged marriages the parents like to get married off as soon as possible, like after HS or college. The longer they wait the more risks for them and the older the daughter gets. The only kids are "forced" into a marriage prolly come from poor rural families or uneducated families.
dropdeadlegs Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 I didn't do well in marriage, so I wonder how I would have fared in a situation that was "arranged" for me. It's pretty unusual in the US, but I see your location is Illinois. One year....is relatively short in the span of a lifetime, but can be an eon if you're unhappy. The happy years tend to fly by, but the unhappy years are endless. I am assuming that his family "volunteered" him as well. I don't know. Maybe it depends on your upbringing, religion, and culture. My daughter will be 19 next year in February and I can't imagine arranging her marriage since she has so much sense in the relationship are of life. She says she won't marry until she's 30 and I think that's a good plan. I just hope she doesn't plan to live with me until then.
Porn_Guy Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 I didn't do well in marriage, so I wonder how I would have fared in a situation that was "arranged" for me. It's pretty unusual in the US, but I see your location is Illinois. Rich and powerful families have been doing semi-arranged marriages in the US for hundreds of years...
quankanne Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 [/b]The only kids are "forced" into a marriage prolly come from poor rural families or uneducated families.[/b] really? where I grew up, it was the kids who came from very strong, ethnic families ... it was expected of them to marry young (right after high school) and start families. College was not an option for girls. while I can see wanting their kids to espouse family values, it's really too young to ask them to marry at 18. Even 22, in my opinion, because people are still developing. In fact, I can't think of very many high school sweetheart-type marriages that are still together, but I can rattle off the names of many couples who married right out of high school who divorced after 10 or so years. Most likely because they grew up and grew apart when they realized they weren't the same people they were as teens. She says she won't marry until she's 30 and I think that's a good plan. really? When my girlfriend was pregnant long, long ago, she and her husband swore their daughter wasn't gonna be allowed to date til she was at least 35!!!!
dropdeadlegs Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Rich and powerful families have been doing semi-arranged marriages in the US for hundreds of years... Seriously? I came from the middle class where anything goes, apparently. Do you mean where the rich marry the rich by way of making rich mates available and more desirable? Geez, I'm counting my lucky stars that marriage was always my choice. Mistakes and all they were MY mistakes and I take full blame. I still learned so much, even up to and including today, about what I want and don't want.
Porn_Guy Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Do you mean where the rich marry the rich by way of making rich mates available and more desirable?. yes....and the rich parents would use money and inheritances as a lure to ensure their kids married "correctly"...
dropdeadlegs Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 yes....and the rich parents would use money and inheritances as a lure to ensure their kids married "correctly"... No doubt that happens. Paris Hilton ain't knockin' on the neighbors door.
taiko Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 when it comes to arranged marriages the parents like to get married off as soon as possible, like after HS or college. The longer they wait the more risks for them and the older the daughter gets. The only kids are "forced" into a marriage prolly come from poor rural families or uneducated families. The risk being that she gets knock up so you can't claim virginity for the bridegroom. It is not jus poor and rural families. The OP comes from a different culture. I've never heard of a 1 year trial period and am curious of what her background is. My wife is filipino and the law there is that 25 is the age when you can get married without parental consent. Anyone younger is practically arragened since the parents must sign off on any union.
StayClose Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 statistically, arranged marriages have a much higher success rate than non-arranged marriages. If you define "success" as simply "not ending in divorce," that may be true. But cultures with arrainged marraige also strong discourage divorce. Many also condone a husband using his fists to "correct" and errent or willful wife. So whether or not these marriages are happier is an entirely different question. But on the other hand.... Americans are raised on romantic Cinderella fantasies that create the expectation that marriage be everlasting passionate wedded bliss. Cultures with arrianged marriages only expect that the wife be a good mom and take care of the house, and that the man be a good provider to the wife and kids. Frankly, the latter standard is MUCH easier to achieve.
allina Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 statistically, arranged marriages have a much higher success rate than non-arranged marriages. Uhm that's mostly because the woman is given to her husband, he can beat her, do whatever he wants and she can't leave. This is why arranged marriages are mostly seen in religious and oppressive cultures.
Topper Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 In the Philippines you need consent to get married untill you are 25? Might be an old law to keep the 13 year olds working in the Subic Bay Whore houses untill they were at least 25. Yes I am being sarcastic. But there were some very under aged Prostitutes in the Philippines. The local authorities and the Military just looked the other way. No disrespect intended for Filipinos. For the most part they are wonderful people, with strong family ties.
Author sleepyfantasy Posted April 5, 2007 Author Posted April 5, 2007 Can I ask what your culturial background is? I feel for you....I mean, at 19 noone really is ready to settle down and get married...I know I wasn't!! People do so much growing and changing into their 20's. Remember that it's your life and (yes even if it pisses your family off) you're the one living it so you wanna make sure you're happy and with the right person for the right reasons. Well, I'm just your average lower-middle class white girl (), I guess you could say. Cultural background is a mix of a lot of things, mostly Polish and Italian. He does come from a rich family, though (I think that's what scares me the most, actually), and I saw someone had mentioned something about rich families... Anyway, when we're together, I feel happy, but then again, it could just be the whole "new relationship" giddy-ness, too...
Author sleepyfantasy Posted April 5, 2007 Author Posted April 5, 2007 It is not jus poor and rural families. The OP comes from a different culture. I've never heard of a 1 year trial period and am curious of what her background is. I didn't know about that, either, honestly. Though, I am VERY glad our families are allowing us to do so. I think what it is...As I mentioned in a previous post, his family is rather wealthy, and mine, well, we make enough to get by. It seems like it's more to see whether a "commoner" will be good enough for him (or, at least that's what I think). He keeps telling me that that is untrue, but doesn't have any other ideas as to why we get a year
Porn_Guy Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 It seems like it's more to see whether a "commoner" will be good enough for him (or, at least that's what I think). is he a King?
Author sleepyfantasy Posted April 5, 2007 Author Posted April 5, 2007 Thankfully, no. That would scare me...
allina Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Well, I'm just your average lower-middle class white girl (), I guess you could say. Cultural background is a mix of a lot of things, mostly Polish and Italian. He does come from a rich family, though (I think that's what scares me the most, actually), and I saw someone had mentioned something about rich families... Anyway, when we're together, I feel happy, but then again, it could just be the whole "new relationship" giddy-ness, too... But WHY does your family want to do this, it's not something average Americans do, what is their reasoning here??
Author sleepyfantasy Posted April 5, 2007 Author Posted April 5, 2007 I don't know. It's mainly because I seem to find the bad guys. My last relationship ended very, very badly. And, according to them, it'll ensure that I'm well taken-care of...
bab Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 I don't know if I would classify this as an arranged marriage. It seems a bit more tame, as in, arranged dating. Somewhere between just being set up and arranged marriage. What happens at the end of the year if you don't want to break up but don't feel ready for marriage? Other than having to stick it out for a year, how is this different from just being set up by your parents?
whichwayisup Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 it'll ensure that I'm well taken-care of... But if you don't love him, $$ will NOT make you happy.......
Guest Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 I have to disagree with all of you on this one! I have friends that have been involved in arranged marriages, "introduced marriages" etc. And the reason they work is because of the strong family ties! Most of the ones i have seen the couples are East Indian. And the reason that they have a far lower failure rate than the average "white marriage" is beacuse they draw a line between what is the right thing to do and what they want to do. All of my friends put in these situations have VERY strong family beliefs. They are a culture that does what is right for their family regardless of whether its something they want to do or not. So, the arranged/introduced...whatever you want to call it...the partner is chosen based on what they can bring to each others families. Thus, sucess in the marriage is really what is best for their family in the long run, and so they do it. They make the best of the situation, and most of them really do grow to love each other. Westerners take this completly backwards. They look for love first, and then cant understand why they cant find it. Its not something that you find, its something that just happens. You have no control over it. We all know this! The non-westerners put you into a situation where you have to grow together, and you do unexpectedly end up falling in love usually. The beating, the rest of that, rarely occurs any more than it does in the western culture! Women in Canada and the US are being beaten every day! and they dont leave either! So that is a totally unreasonable arguement!
Recommended Posts