Guest Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Background: I have lived with my boyfriend for about a year. We have been together for over two years. We have always been very close, and we are best friends. I am sort of a recluse, I mean I have my friends and all, but I am not that social. My good friends mostly live in a different part of the country, so here my only good friend is my boyfriend. We get along pretty well and we both always ssay we have found our soulmate. We have our occasional fights and differences of opnion ofcourse Problem: I would say I am perhaps a bit marriage obsessed, but I have my reasons why. First of all, I have endometriosis, which is a medical condition which will make it extremely hard for me to have kids. My doctor has told me that with age, my chances of conceiving drastically go down. I am not that young, but definately not old either Many people think I am crazy when I tell them "my clock is ticking" and this is part of why I want to get married, but they don't understand know about my condition. My boyfriend is not opposed to having children, but I don't want to without marriage. First of all, I don't want to bring children into a relationship which is not fully committed, and to me this is what marriage symbolizes. Second of all, I know conceiving will be very hard for me, and I don't want to be going through lots of medical treatment when I am not even sure my partner will always stay with me. I need to be completely sure of his love and commitment toward me to go forward with trying to conceive. Second, I am rather uncomfortable with living together and not being married. By living with him, I devote my whole life to him. I don't do some of the things that I would have done if I were single, like take an opportunity that would require me to move, etc. I don't mind this because I love him, but I am really earning for that commitment of marriage to make me feel like I am not just giving up things for someone who isn't ready to give me his official promise of a lifetime commitment. Originally , I was hesitant about moving in together, it is not something I thought I would ever do. But my boyfriend felt strongly that we should get to know each other through living together before we tie the knot. He assured me that he definately wants to marry me, and so I decided to compromise and move in as long as I had his "word" on it. I know regret this decision, it's been a wonderful year with him and we ahv gone through a lot which did makes us closer together, but it has broguht me to the situation I am now. I have had many conversations with him about it. I have said I am not comfortable with this arrangement anymore, I feel like I am a piece of merchandise on a thirty day free trial, except the trial period doesn't seem to end. He told to think of it as if I am a piece of merchandise on backorder, with a gurantee of being bought as soon as I am in stock ( it's a weird metaphor for love I know, but I guess it was the best to describe our situation) He tells me he wants to marry me, but wants to do it out of love and not be forced into it. He is usually pretty trustworthy, so I have decided to continue trusting that he will make good on his promise. We both don't believe in long egagements where the guy asks to marry the girl, but really has not intention of doing so for quite a while, so getting egaged "in the meantime" is not an option for us. Anyway, I have decided that I will respect his wishes to have some more time before we actually go through with it, and to not be pressured. I have decided I will not bring it up any more, until I feel that I cannot stand it any more and that I have given him a reasonable amount time. Then I will tell him that I can no longer wait and that I feel strung along and must end it. It will be very painful if I have to end it, but I believe this is the best way to go for me. My problem ( sorry for taking so long to get to it!) is that I now feel horrible and unsure of his love. I know that if he doesn't want to get married and I am not willing to wait I will have to break up, i will not allow myself to continue to live in limbo and feel tortured. This makes it very hard to go about my day to day activities and live with him and continue to be happy. Usually, when we would have sex, I would think about how I am making love with my soulmate. Now, I just can't get the thought out of my mind that this might not be the man I spend the rest of my life with. I have started to spend less time with him and be less open because I feel I need to "guard" part of myself just in case it does come to breaking up. This has caused a lot of friction between us, as we have always been best friends and shared every thought and worry and done everything together. but I feel I can't tell him about my resolve. If he knows we have to get married in an alloted amount of time or I will leave, it's like giving him an ultimatum, and I don't want to do that. I want him to propose to me because he wants to. I feel so depressed and anxious about all this. My plan was supposed make it easier for me to go through this difficult "waiting period" but it has made me feel horrible. Also, since I don't have very many other friends, and I feel like I shouldn't be that close to him anymore, just in case it doesn't work out, I feel extreme loneliness. I feel like I want things to return to teh way they were, but I can't. I know I need to give him time, but it's so hard! What should I do now????
norajane Posted April 15, 2007 Posted April 15, 2007 My problem ( sorry for taking so long to get to it!) is that I now feel horrible and unsure of his love. I know that if he doesn't want to get married and I am not willing to wait I will have to break up, i will not allow myself to continue to live in limbo and feel tortured. This makes it very hard to go about my day to day activities and live with him and continue to be happy. Usually, when we would have sex, I would think about how I am making love with my soulmate. Now, I just can't get the thought out of my mind that this might not be the man I spend the rest of my life with. I have started to spend less time with him and be less open because I feel I need to "guard" part of myself just in case it does come to breaking up. This has caused a lot of friction between us, as we have always been best friends and shared every thought and worry and done everything together. but I feel I can't tell him about my resolve. If he knows we have to get married in an alloted amount of time or I will leave, it's like giving him an ultimatum, and I don't want to do that. I want him to propose to me because he wants to. Your problem is only going to get worse the longer you stay in this situation that is making you uncomfortable. It is very likely to destroy your relationship as you pull back into yourself further and further as time goes on. I would suggest that instead of breaking up, move out. I know that's difficult at this stage, but it may be the only thing that saves you two. Tell him everything you said in this paragraph I quoted above, tell him you love him and want to wait until he is comfortable with the idea of marriage, but that you can't live with him in the meantime because it is making you feel very uncomfortable and insecure. He's already had a year or whatever of living with you, so he knows how things will be. He's tried and tested, and there really isn't anything more that he will learn about your compatibility, so there is no need for further data and testing. Just tell him you love him and will be happy to date him, but you have to get your own place so you don't wind up feeling used and start to resent him.
Just Visiting Posted April 19, 2007 Posted April 19, 2007 I completely agree with Norajane. Now that your bf knows what it is like to be with you on a day-to-day basis, he knows what is in store. If I were you, I would move out and continue to see him. If anything, it shows that you are taking control of your life with no pouting and threats. He will respect you even more.
Recommended Posts