Best Friend's Wife Encounter

[skipper]

I really need some advice here. I have been married to a woman I really love for 16 years. She has been a little on the jealous side at times, but nothing too drastic. We made friends with another couple and me and the other husband became best friends, for about the last 3 years. But my wife and his wife, although we have all done lots of stuff together (and they just moved in 2 doors down), have never been especially close.

 

When he left for a business trip last month for 3 weeks, my wife insisted I refinish some cabinets in his kitchen as a surprise before he returned. So I spent a few days over there with just me and his wife. My wife was comfortable with it and so was I. I have never, ever done anything with another woman, and I have had lots of opportunities to. I travel a lot as a fitness rep and am in good shape. I have turned down quite a few beautiful women because I think it is wrong to cheat. I don't go to strip clubs or bachelors parties either. If I wouldn't feel comfortable doing something with my wife next to me, then I don't do it when she is not.

 

After the second day, this OW made a pass at me, and kept coming. She said she wanted to kiss me right there, and rub her hands all over me and tried to lead me inot the bedroom. I wouldn't go, and I suppose that I didn't think she was that serious, as I could never imagine somebody actually doins something like this with the husbands best friend. I had to come back the next night, and this time she wore a very revaeling shirt and tried even harder. I had to physically restrain her hands for several minutes, she was like an animal. I made her go in the LR and look at the big picutre on the wall of her and her husband, and told her how lucky she was to have him and how wrong it would be. She finally relented, but after he got back and we saw them, she still gives me those looks.

 

The other day my wife was snappy to her and him about something unrelated, now the OW has told her husband that she is hurt and does not want to hang out with my wife anymore because my wife is too mean or something. OW is playing the victim and her husband has talked to me about it.

 

So I sit there and just nod my head, and hang out with him alone and pretend that my wife's sometimes moodiness has ruined everything, or do I tell him about his wife and drama is everywhere. I don't want my wife or my friend to be hurt, but it turns out that over the past few years when my wife used to be a little jealous, she was correct that the woman was looking at me. The OW is very pretty and most men I know would give their right nut to have some time with her. But her husband obviously does not think that she would ever mess around, and I did not either until now. They have been married 10 years.

 

I don't want to be involved in this as I am a low key guy.

 

PLEASE HELP!!!!

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

Since you are friends with him then I would certainly tell him what happened. The chances are that you are not the first. If the roles were reversed wouldn't you have wanted him to tell you? A true friend is someone who will be totally honest with you. If you are truly his friend then you will tell him the truth. I guarantee you that down the line she will probably tell him that you made a pass at her. For your own sake and for his sake you should him the truth immediately.

[Guest]

First, tell your wife what happened. Don't let her continue to think this woman is her friend.

 

Second, you and your wife, TOGETHER, should speak with the husband and tell him what happened.

 

Third, you, your wife and her husband should confront her and hold her responsible for her actions.

 

Her husband deserves to know who is really married to.

[Curmudgeon]

All too often when a well-intentioned, true friend tells their other friend that their wife, partner, significant other is fooling around, or trying to, they confront the person who denies it and turns the tables. They tell them that you're the one who came-on to them.

 

End of friendship because they'll tend to believe the person they're with.

[jmargel]

Let it go.. The chick will start drama with you and then turn the tables. You'll end up trying to convince everyone that you didn't cheat on your wife. Good chance if this woman is a nut she could accuse you of rape as well.

 

I would slowly back off from this friendship you have with them. I have dated women that have turned nuts, I mean nuts on me. You have no clue what they are capable of.

 

If I were you I would talk to your wife about it, but that's it. Don't confront your friend or his wife.

[Guest]

Let it go.. The chick will start drama with you and then turn the tables. You'll end up trying to convince everyone that you didn't cheat on your wife. Good chance if this woman is a nut she could accuse you of rape as well.

 

I would slowly back off from this friendship you have with them. I have dated women that have turned nuts, I mean nuts on me. You have no clue what they are capable of.

 

If I were you I would talk to your wife about it, but that's it. Don't confront your friend or his wife.

 

Thanks. But please help me with this part:

 

My wife, since the beginning, has always had a little jealousy streak in her for this woman. I always assumed it was because the OW was very pretty and had a very nice build that women and men seemed to stare at. So when she was trying to convince me to get it on with her, she told me that she has always been attracted to me since we first met 5-6 years ago. So it turns out that my wife was correct all the time, even though I berated her for being paranoid and we (the other couple and us) had some waves in our friendship because of the "unwarranted" jealousy of my wife.

 

It turns out that she was right, the rest of us were wrong (but me and my buddy didn't know it). I am worried about her freaking out, and of course she would want to tell my buddy and probably confront the OW.

 

Thoughts?

[vivrantflo]

What's up? I would tell your wife what happend ASAP.. secure your household and marriage first, then maybe perhaps you AND your wife can set aside a time where you can inform your friend about his wife. Poor guy has a right to know what his wife is like. And with you confronting him with your wife, I'm sure he would believe you two are telling the truth.

 

Good luck

[reservoirdog1]

Man... that's a tough one. First of all, congratulations on not screwing around with your best friend's cheating slut of a wife. That took strength, which a lot of guys would lack in similar circumstances.

 

I would definitely tell YOUR wife. First of all, though she and the OW are not especially close, they could probably be called "social" friends. Your wife deserves to be able to decide whether or not to associate with her, armed with all the info. After all, the OW did try to go after her husband -- shows how much the OW values her friendship with your wife.

 

Secondly, the OW could always stir up **** at her end, it gets back to your wife, and then you're the bad guy simply because you didn't tell her about it when it happened.

 

Your wife may be the jealous type, but she's more likely to believe you if you take some proactive steps.

 

Then, once your wife is in the loop, you can ask her for HER advice as to whether or not to approach your friend.

 

Good luck buddy... you've done the right thing so far. Keep it up.

[jmargel]

Remember with these situations.. Just like rape cases.. When a man is accused of something he is guilty until proven innocent. Sad but true.

[Guest]

Every single person I have personally known who has told in this situation gets it turned around on them. Most likely your friends W will say you came onto her and she rejected you so you are mad and telling to get back at her. It makes NO SENSE but because the spouse wants so badly to believe, they eat it up.

 

And, I'd be willing to bet your W's radar was going off like a siren over this woman. Some wives have a 6th sense for predatory women.

 

I do wonder why she sent you over there alone if she doesn't trust this woman. I'd almost wonder if it was a set up to see if you'd cheat!

 

Is your W being really really nice to you right now? Hee hee

 

I doubt it was a set up, it just seems fishy on the outside looking in.

[skipper]

Thanks for all the input. My wife has been jealous of her in the past when we all first met, and that caused problems because I thought she was jealous for no reason because the other girl is very attractive and has a very nice build, while my wife, who is beautiful to me, does not feel that good about herself. During those times, the OM and the OW were offended and I was having to play peacekeeper and explain/apologize my wife's behavior. The OW told me when she was making a pass at me that she has had it for me all along since we met. That proves that my wife was correct all along, which pisses me off at the OW and myself, that I had drama in my marriage from the OW's fault, not my wife's.

 

It seems these are the courses of action:

 

COA1: Tell nobody and back away from the couple friendship (which should be easy right now from the falling out a week ago). No matter what, do not let the women make up. I do not want to be friends with the OW again, not because I am afraid of anything happening, but because I am very loyal to my wife and I feel like the OW has been deceitful. Slowly disengage my hang out time with my buddy. The problem is that at some point, he will ask me why we don't hang out anymore. We are like brothers now and are very close. As a matter of fact, a similar thing happened to me on a business trip years ago, a pretty girl that we both worked with came to my hotel room and barred the door and told me that I have no idea how good she would make me feel and nobody would ever know. When I tried to leave, she blocked my way and sort of tried to back me into a corner and begged me to stay the night in her room. I told her that no matter how good it might be, we would regret it in the light of the morning, and then you can never go back to being unstained (at least that is my philosophy). I told my buddy about this, so he knows I don't play around. So again, once he confronts me as to what is wrong, should I tell him?

 

COA2: Confront the OW with a hidden digital recorder in my pocket when my buddy is not around. I know this sounds weird, but I know she would come on to me again. I thought I might tell her that I am really upset with her playing the victim to my "mean" wife when she is the one that is screwed up. Even if she didn't make a pass at me, she would not deny that she did make one earlier. I could play this later if needed.

 

COA3: Tell my wife. She would probably freak out, especially after all that has happened. I know she would confront the other woman and tell my buddy.

 

I do not want to cause any more grief for my wife, nor my buddy.

 

I swear it is hard to do the right thing sometimes...

[Trialbyfire]

COA3 would be my choice. While you have a friendship with your buddy, your wife is your priority. Keep in mind that she figured out your buddy's wife way before you did. Don't try to control the situation.

[Sheba]

My choice for you would be:

 

First, tell all to your wife and apologize to her for accusing her of being jealous when in fact she was insightful. Hopefully she will keep her wits about her and thank you for trusting her enough to disclose this information. I would guess that she will be FURIOUS with the other woman for abusing the friendship and a little pissy (or worse) with you for discounting her intuitions.

 

Second, do the tape thing to get your proof - otherwise you will likely end up with your credibility challenged and no way to prove that your are in fact innocent. Consider it insurance. It would be ideal if you could get on tape her admission that you have turned her down twice already.

 

Third, think some more about what this man might want or need from you, as a friend. This is such a hard choice! If it were my husband who behaved as that man's wife did, I would want to know. I would be angry if a friend kept such information from me. However, if I were you I don't know if I would have the courage to drop such a bomb. If I did drop such a bomb, I would want the "insurance", though I would keep it for an emergency only.

 

I feel for you. Good luck!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Your wife deserves to freak out on this woman and so does her husband. Deal is, it is liable to blow up in your face. Even the tape recorded thing seems unreliable because it assumes you knew it would happen again and put your self in that position.

 

You can call your wife jealous all you want but women have an intuition when another woman is up to no good. We know how we would treat someone elses H and when another woman over steps the boundries we set for ourselves as acceptable then we hear bells and whistles going off, RED ALERT! That's not jealous, jealous is simply disliking her because she is beautiful, disliking her because she is a beautiful back stabbing whore is completely justified! IMHO!

[Ruby Tuesday]

I would listen to your male counterparts and heed their advice very carefully. You said with your own words she plays the victim. That may be your only warning. So, Keep that fully in mind if/when confronting them especially since sex is the issue here.

 

The OW are unbelievably skilled at their manipulative game. Real pros. When my husband had an affair, she always made sure she was around the places he'd frequent at certian times of the day. He was predictable as the weather. It was the OW was the one who made the first move. He rejected her (her words, not his) but he went back the next day and then they crossed the line and then it was "too late". So, The other woman being the aggressor is nothing new on me. She also told people that after her D-day he had beaten her up because she didnt want to appear "dumped" and he was damn lucky he didn't get charged for that false report.

 

Anyway, worse case scenario, if OW accused you with rape, the judge may err on the side of caution and you could be falsely charged with a crime you didn't commit, create a ton of legal bills and a destroyed reputation for nothing. One little lie can ruin peoples whole lives and careers.

 

The tape recorder is a good idea, but will probably not be admissable in court. Useless. The tables could turn against you since (1) the husband wasn't home and (2) It is your word against hers. Then what?

 

Who are you going to hang out with when people see you as the town rapist? Or the town perve who hits on other mens wives? People only believe what they want to believe. The husband will certianly never believe you. He may even try to get back at you believing the ill will of his own wife to vindicate her. Did you ever stop to wonder if he would knock your lights out? What would a man do under the circumstances?

 

And even if she said you were the one who came onto her, and it was left at that, how would that look? He wouldnt be partying with you much anyway so really, you should blow this off and do not get involved before you (and your wife) get hurt.

 

Also please stop talking about your wife like she isnt there. She is your partner. She's the smart one who knew about this OW's sh*it all along but is taking alot of heat for not being stupid? Stop making-up excuses for her not being with the party of three.

 

I also agree that you should tell her about this, but that you should really blow these people off. Like you said, it was the OW ruined that friendship, not your wife. Your priority is for you and your family. Who gives a fu*ck what these two other people think?

[Sheba]

I firmly believe the tape is admissable in court. In my jurisdiction the law permits taping and use of taped materials in evidence if ONE party to the conversation consents to the taping. Skipper would be the consenting party.

 

In any case, I was not thinking about the need to use such a tape in Court but to have it in case skipper decided to tell his buddy, the OW's husband. If telling that man about his wife is the right thing to do, be sure to leave no doubt in his mind.

 

Also, Mrs. Skipper might feel a little better to hear the tape too. Mrs. Skipper deserves to be sucked up to, if you ask me.

[mental_traveller]

I agree with the other posters who advise treading *very* carefully. From now on you should assume the worst. You must conduct yourself as if this woman will invent false rape charges and try to get you thrown in jail for 10-20 years, because that is the worst case scenario. You have to be prepared so that you never put yourself in a situation where that could happen.

 

I would suggest the following:

 

1) visit a lawyer and, separately, a therapist and explain the situation fully. This way you have 2 independent professionals who can back up your story *before* any potential accusations from her.

2) ask the lawyer about any way to "catch"/prove she is coming onto you, explain your concerns about her going nuts & falsely accusing you. Also, ask him if it would be wise to report to the police as potential sexual harrassment from her - no need to press charges, but at the very least, the police would then know you had these concerns, which can only boost your credibility.

3) if there's a feasible way to do so, get the "proof" and visit her a second time. If not, just go to the next step

4) I think you really have to tell your wife. She deserves to know, especially since she had this feeling from the beginning. Before revealing it, say you have a situation which seriously concerns you, and you want her advice, but you want her to promise not to do anything until *both* of you agree on a course of action. Then, once she agrees, tell her exactly what happened, basically tell her exactly what you said on this post. Apologise for not taking her concerns seriously before, and admit she was right all along.

5) Explain that you want to never meet the other guy's wife again, but don't want to lose the friendship with the husband. List your concerns about how revealing it might result in the other woman making up accusations against you etc. If your wife wants to blow up and confront them, remind her of her promise and say you would really appreciate if she waits for you both to come up with a way to handle it together.

 

After that you have to decide how to confront your friend. Don't just think about yourself - this guy is being lied to by his wife. This may not be the first time she has tried to cheat. He deserves to know his wife is a lying adulteress and that his marriage is a sham. As his friend you have to let him know. This is why "proof" is so important, so she cannot deny it.

 

Let's put it this way - if I was the guy involved, I would want to know. I would also trust the guy 99% of the time over my own wife/gf, as I know that long-term male friendships are usually much more reliable and trustworthy than opposite sex relationships or marriages. Personally I'd probably then ask you to lead her on and get evidence (e.g. I walk in after 5 mins and she's taken her clothes off etc). But some guys will fall for BS from the wife and then you will be in trouble without concrete evidence.

 

I don't recommend keeping this secret. I don't recommend ever being alone with the other woman again, if you can help it. I recommend telling your wife, some independent people in authority, and your friend. Get it out in the open and protect yourself.

[directx]

I would not tell anybody about anything. No good can come from it.

Let the argument between the women be what it may, but I would keep a friendly distance.

You did the right thing pushing her off.

 

I would consider moving.