Mrjayjay Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 My ex of 3 years broke up with me just over a year ago. I was devastated, hung on for a while to see if she would come back. She blew hot and cold, used me as an emotional crutch, kept appearing and disappearing, looking for attention then rejecting me, and generally made me feel terrible. she said we were "friends" but she didnt treat me anything like her other friends. In the end, I wrote to her "I'd rather nothing than not enough" when she asked why i hadn't invited her to a show i was doing. she left me alone after that. 6 months later, i thought i was all but over it. i thought about her fairly often but it wasnt painful and i was getting on my life and with someone else. i didnt want her back and didnt miss her. suddenly, she appeared on myspace with a message saying she thought she would say hi and she hoped i was well. its really messed me up badly i don't want to get out of bed in the morning, i feel horrible, worthless, depressed, unloved... just awful. she played mad amounts of games with me last year and i cant look at any simple action she doesnt without looking for games and ulterior motives. i don't understand why she contacted me after i asked her not to. she brought back loads of bad memories and pain instantly. yesterday, i ended up writing to her and telling her a lot of stuff i held back last year, mainly how much i cared about her and how much she hurt me. i wasnt sure if it was a good idea but i felt so bad i couldnt see how it could make me feel worse. i thought maybe i would feel better if i told her. she ignored everything i wrote, acted like it didnt affect her at all (it was pretty hardcore, both positve and negative) and said she was sorry and she wouldnt write again. i really, really don't think it was some simple bit of concern, given the circumstances. i am absolutely gutted. not only has she reawakened all this bad stuff from last year, but she has also then turned around and made me feel like i am overreacting and i feel guilty about that too even though i dont think i am. i am interested in opinions: 1- i cant believe i was so affected by this. is this normal?! 2- why did she contact me? really? 3- should i really be affected this long after a bad breakup? 4- if i am this affected by it, do i still love her? 5- what do people feel about dumpers recontacting exs who have asked to be left alone?
daisydo Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 I think what happened was perfectly normal. She emotionally abused you by playing games - seeing her myspace message brought up all those negative feelings and emotions you had worked on repressing. I think you should talk with this about a good friend or write it all out. Try and get it out of your system. It doesn't really matter why she contacted you - maybe it was genuine concern, maybe she was just feeling lonely and needed some reassurance. perhaps someone bruised her ego. We'll never know. The important thing is that you have spoke your peace with her and it is now time to focus on your healing. It sounds like you are moving in the right direction. Keep focusing on the positive in your life and be sure to express your feelings in an appropriate way when they do come up - don't try and push them back too much. I hope this helps. Take care.
Author Mrjayjay Posted April 5, 2007 Author Posted April 5, 2007 oh thankyou daisy. thats really sweet *hugs* i just feel like such a fool. i am really angry with myself for being so hurt by such a seemingly small thing. but i guess its not. i mean, i really wanted her to care about me last year and she certainly wasnt dropping me a line to see if i was ok then. i think she didnt like that i broke free and initiated N/C. i dont think she wants me but she wants me to want her. does that make sense? i told my friend she would come back eventually and she did. i think she was digging for a reaction. thats what she kept doing last year- finding really stupid reasons to call me after not speaking for a month, having pointless conversations and disappearing again - i think she was just figuring out if i was still emotionally engaged with her, but giving nothing back. well, she got it. amongst other things, i told her i still loved her and missed her and to take that and massage her ego with it, because that was clearly what she wanted. i actually didn't love her and miss her before she broke the silence but thats what i felt when i wrote it. i dont know what i feel now. i think i feel worse for telling her that stuff but i felt i wanted to do it for me because i hated going from being open with each other to getting into this horrible chess stuff of trying to guess and burying feelings. its not natural for me, that whole thing. the worst thing is : i knew with absolute clarity that she was going to contact me. i sensed it the day before. and she picked the worst time - my current lover is away and i was already feeling lonely.
InvisibleTouch Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 Happened to me a day ago. Exactly the same even to the point that I knew she was going to contact and what it would be about. In my case I had some stuff I left at her house. Anyway, I told her to leave me alone 6 months ago and she promised she would. I answered her two text messages which were emotionless on both our parts apart from the signing off - ie "take care". It has left me numb and pulled me back a little. However the thing that I cling to to help me get through these testing times is a) I behaved appropriately and didn't let myself down b)it is unquestionably her loss. Yes I love her and miss her but ultimately if she rejects that love it is her decision. I can only be me. Most importantly if anyone is going to win anyone back it must be her. So, in the absence of her saying I miss you and I love you and I made an error there is nothing I can or will do. If she cant figure out my value after so long then there is nothing more I can do. I suggest you take the same stance. Look within yourself and start discovering your value, not hers.
luvtoto Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 In the end, I wrote to her "I'd rather nothing than not enough" when she asked why i hadn't invited her to a show i was doing. she left me alone after that. suddenly, she appeared on myspace with a message saying she thought she would say hi and she hoped i was well. she ignored everything i wrote, acted like it didnt affect her at all (it was pretty hardcore, both positve and negative) and said she was sorry and she wouldnt write again. You got it nailed! She says one thing, but can't seem to resist doing another. For these reasons below: i think she didnt like that i broke free and initiated N/C. i dont think she wants me but she wants me to want her. does that make sense? i told my friend she would come back eventually and she did. She's playing games. It's gonna continue, unless you set up boundaries and stick with it. But, that won't happen until you are ready to let go permanently.
Author Mrjayjay Posted April 7, 2007 Author Posted April 7, 2007 thanks guys i honestly thought i wasnt bothered about her anymore. she completely caught me by surprise. i dont regret telling her what i told her - i told her it because i wanted it off my chest and because last year, i played along with her childish games - i dont believe in hiding feelings. now she gets to spend the rest of her life knowing what she has lost out on. if she tries to contact me again - and i still think she will at some point despite what she said - i will just ignore it. so why does a girl want to know someone still cares about them after 6 months of silence if they dont care about the person? what is that game actually about? what was she after and what did she get from that?
InvisibleTouch Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 We are objects to them. Objects that, regardless of what we say or do(negative or positive) give them the supply they need to feel alive. Without our response they dont exist and that is their biggest fear. In the event that we do get sucked in they will inevitably reject us again starting with the familiar devaluing routine. It is a dance that disordered people play. Unfortunatley people with empathy, especially codependants fall for it every time. Another way to look at it is without people like us they couldn't survive. Hence my comment about the need to discover your value not hers. In her mind she has none.
InvisibleTouch Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 Luvtoto, you are absolutely right about setting boundaries and sticking to them. ie if they cant relate to us in a healthy, balanced way then NC - period. If they do find enlightenment and start to question their behaviour then professional help is probably required to rewire things. In otherwords they are flawed and should be avoided. The net effect of relating to someone like this is complete confusion and not a whiff of love!
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