Chamari Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 My bf is a fantastic guy but every once in a while he'll make some random comment that I can't get out of my head and leaves me feeling kind of worried/annoyed because it's usually something stupid. Like--my roomate's little sister was on the phone one day (we had a couple of friends all hanging out) and was going on about how her boobs were too big and guys wouldn't like her or something. Crazy, huh? Anyways, my roomie asked the guys to give her an answer so they started talking about it and my bf said something about how big boobs are better. Random comment that was said mainly to reassure my roomies sister, but it stuck in my head and left me feeling kind of insecure because I'm like an A cup. I know that my bf didn't mean anything but it still bothered me and then I got irritated because I don't even WANT to have big boobs. I think they'd be annoying. Another time it was just me and him and we started talking about a mutual friend who has a hard time finding guys to date. He said it was probably because guys were scared away because she's smart and guys don't like to date smart girls. Again, I know he wasn't trying to say anything but it left me thinking, 'so what does that make me? stupid?'. I'm sure that a lot of guys (or girls as the case may be) say stuff like this so I'm just wondering, is there an easier way to deal with the annoying comments? How do other people put up with this stuff?
Trialbyfire Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 I'll only say that men learn after awhile how to avoid/how not to answer certain questions like... "Do I look fat in this dress?"
tanbark813 Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 Well you could respond with, "Yeah, I only date guys with small dicks. They're so CUTE!!"
whichwayisup Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 I honestly don't think he said those things with intention to hurt you. Look at it this way, you like your boobs? Yes? Then who cares if he prefers bigger boobs. He's still with you!!! Just seemed that you personalized what he said and turned it on to yourself, making you feel bad.
Walk Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Oh man.. I had to laugh when I read your post... Does your bf walk around with his foot in his mouth all day, or does he save that for special occasions? (I'm just kidding.) I'm not really sure I have good advice on how to handle it. I think I'd probably let the bf know that some times he says stuff that bothers you and although it's not a big deal, it does strike you oddly. Maybe just let him knwo if you're acting kind of stand-offish after one of his "foot in mouth" incidents, that he should try being more complimentary toward you. (not sure you want to be that upfront about it or not..) Or.. next time this occurs.. take a rolled up news paper, smack him on the nose, and say "No" in a loud stern voice. Pick your battles. If you can shrug the smaller stuff off, then do so. If it bothers you, talk to him. His intentions seem good, his presentation is bad. I'm sure he'd be open to some constructive criticism from you if its phrased in a loving, caring manner. He loves you and doesn't want to hurt you, but he's probably unaware how his wording comes across to you. Like maybe you could explain to him it'd be better if he used a really generalized terminology to refer to other "men" liking big boobs, rather than expressing how he likes women with big boobs.
johan Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Well, don't call him on his silly comments right away. You want to pretend they don't bother you. Then over time, maybe a matter of years, let them build up and cause resentment. Then when you can't take it anymore, after an affair or two, surprise him with a breakup and tell him how you finally had enough of him being a jerk. This will cause his head to spin and will cause him to spend months, maybe years, wondering what he did wrong, hating himself for his failure, and dating a series of relatively risk-free, baggage-laden women, thinking he doesn't deserve better and afraid to try. Only to have a series of failed relationships that reinforce the feelings of self-hatred and fear that were introduced the day you gave him the final judgment. Soon he will be on a forum like this professing hatred and confusion regarding all of womanity, holed up in his basement, safe from all risk of additional abandonment and rejection from anyone he could possibly care about. Wishing he could figure things out and live the life he thought he was going to have. That's will save you from the scary chore of figuring out how to call him on his silliness, which probably doesn't mean anything, because he's choosing to spend his time with you instead of some large-breasted super-babe. Good luck!
Author Chamari Posted April 5, 2007 Author Posted April 5, 2007 Thanks people. I think I just needed a chance to vent and the reassurance that he probably will grow out of it. WWIU--"Just seemed that you personalized what he said and turned it on to yourself, making you feel bad." That right there is the problem and I KNOW that it's me--not him, because I'm positive that he didn't mean to do anything that would bother me--I was just wondering if other people had found good strategies for how to wrap their minds around stuff like that. Or actually, ways to un-wrap my mind from things and just let them go. Like the whole boob thing--the entire time I KNEW that I was being stupid, but it still took me a while before I could go back to being relatively comfortable with myself if that makes sense. So really, I'm more annoyed at MY reaction to his comments than what he said. Walk--thanks for the advice. I really appreciate it. I have noticed however that he seems to be making an effort to avoid those kind of comments lately--I didn't say anything but I think he probably realized after the fact that his comments could use some tact. So, the boy does appear to be learning which I do appreciate. Johan, thank you for making me realize that, ridiculous up as my thought process is, at least it's not quite as twisted as the future you posted. Thanks for the luck.
AHIWON Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 I'll only say that men learn after awhile how to avoid/how not to answer certain questions like... "Do I look fat in this dress?" Thats an easy one. Read it in a book I think. Instead of a yes or no answer something like "sweatheart no matter what you wear, we are going to have a wonderful evening and you are going to look great" should take care of that question.
pelagicsands Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Soon he will be on a forum like this professing hatred and confusion regarding all of womanity, holed up in his basement, safe from all risk of additional abandonment and rejection from anyone he could possibly care about. Wishing he could figure things out and live the life he thought he was going to have. May this be a sobering lesson for all those who lust after smart, big-chested girls. You have been warned.
Citizen Erased Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 May this be a sobering lesson for all those who lust after smart, big-chested girls. You have been warned. Hey! There is nothing wrong with big boobs And I would like to think I am smart too haha. But seriously, this guy is just clueless.You need to train him. Maybe punch him in the stomach every time he says something stupid, that'll teach him. Or, like someone else said, the comment about the small penis being cute thing works too hehe
pelagicsands Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Hey! There is nothing wrong with big boobs Don't get upset, now. All I'm saying is that the bigger your boobies are, the smaller his penis looks. By comparison, I mean. And I would like to think I am smart too haha.You can think - cool. That is promising. Maybe punch him in the stomach every time he says something stupid, that'll teach him. Fantastic advice from the smart, big-chested one. I have a small amendment - consider kicking him in the testicles for repeat offences.
Walk Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 That right there is the problem and I KNOW that it's me--not him, because I'm positive that he didn't mean to do anything that would bother me--I was just wondering if other people had found good strategies for how to wrap their minds around stuff like that. Or actually, ways to un-wrap my mind from things and just let them go. I think Johan did have a valid point in his sarcastic (yet humorous) post. Whatever you do, don't bottle it up. You might as well set a a break up date for the relationship if you do that. So if something bothers you, talk to your bf. Unless he's the arse from the firey place, then he's going to want to try to help heal any damage he may have caused. You know... you could've responded to his clueless comments in a joking manner. Maybe later that evening pounce on him and tell him you'll show him why small boobs are better then big ones. Not so sure how you could've responded to the "smart girl" comment that would've been light hearted. I've found a lot of guys, once they're in a steady relationship, don't lump their gfs in with the "outside" world. Like the smart girl comment... he's probably removed the both of you from the concept of general dating. So therefor he feels free to make comments about what generalized men would find attractive or intimidating. He's no longer looking, so it doesn't apply to him. And it doesn't affect YOU because he's not like other men. So he doesn't think about how the comment will be taken by you.. he probably doesn't feel its in anyway a reflection on you, so doesn't see harm in having a theoretical discussion about what some highly generalized "men" might think about some girl he has no interest in dating. Anyway.. I ask my bf what he meant when he says stupid stuff like you posted about. Just a simple question like.. "what did you mean when you said X?" Asked in a non-aggressive, curious way. He doesn't mean harm, so the explanations ease any troubles the comments may have caused. Its the easiest, and quickest way for me to by pass struggling on my own over an errant comment.
Walk Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 I have a small amendment - consider kicking him in the testicles for repeat offences. Wow.. Does the punishment really fit the crime at that point? All I'm saying is, damn that's harsh. She'll train the poor man to hobble around with his knee's clamped together and one hand protecting the jewels at all times. It'd be like fort knox to get in there.
Citizen Erased Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Don't get upset, now. All I'm saying is that the bigger your boobies are, the smaller his penis looks. By comparison, I mean. You can think - cool. That is promising. Cool, instead of a recommendation from my Uni Lecturer I will just get one from you I am "promising" Fantastic advice from the smart, big-chested one. I have a small amendment - consider kicking him in the testicles for repeat offences. I know that I should be offended, but that was funny. I was actually going to say to kick him in the balls, but a girl needs to get off occasionally you know Plus it seemed a bit of an over-reaction.
oppath Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 I said things that could have been construed as mean by my ex and it's hard not to wonder if they were a reason for the breakup. Some things I remember: (1) I think it's good that we lived a little distance from each other so we were forced to take our time getting to know each other when we started dating. (2) (something about sharing meals) you can have some of mine but I don't want to share two dishes, I want what I ordered (this was a big deal to her as she felt people should share things). (3) I'll have to use these gift certificates back home with my other gf. The last one I felt bad about and should have apologized for. There was a greater context to the situation I said it -- that doesn't excuse it -- and she said a similar thing earlier that week (a couple times that DID bother me) so maybe I was emulating her without realizing it. The thing is...everyone will say these stupid comments at some point in time. Everyone. In 6 months of dating, I said maybe 3 stupid or clueless, insensitive things. Had she brought them up, I would have been receptive and apologized sincerely. At the same time, SHE SAID some clueless, insensitive things too. I chose not to address them. You do have to pick your battles and let some things roll off you. Your bf doesn't seem to say anything directly critical nor are his comments frequent. I think you should let this slide.
Trialbyfire Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Thats an easy one. Read it in a book I think. Instead of a yes or no answer something like "sweatheart no matter what you wear, we are going to have a wonderful evening and you are going to look great" should take care of that question. That's the classic avoidance technique.
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