Aloros Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 Summary: dated ex for 5.5 years. Completely wrong for one another. We broke it off, mutually. I think, at the end, he was under the impression we might get back together in a couple of years, after he'd graduated, got a job, and improved his work ethic. I was DONE. We'd even gone to couples counseling, and for me, I'd tried everything. There was nothing left. I wasn't in love with him anymore. We were on ok terms, until I started dating someone else, about a month later (I know, my bad. He had to ask three times before I said yes, but egads! haven't had a crush like that since high school). I've been dating this guy for about nine months, so it's been about ten months since the breakup. Love my current bf. The ex won't speak to me anymore. He's ok with being in the same room as me, as long as we don't have to "interact". I've posted a couple comments in his blog, no reply, told him if he ever felt like talking again, to drop me a line, no reply...and now he goes through friends instead of calling me to see if I'll be someplace at the same time as him. It's as if it's gotten WORSE over time. Way to hold a grudge, dude. And this is the guy who quite firmly said he wanted to be friends. I recently finished writing a book. A very long book I've been working on for a couple of years. So...I'm throwing a "I did it!" party. I was wondering if I should extend an invitation to him or not. I mean, I was dating him for most of the time I was writing this book, and he was supportive of my goals. He still has me "friended" on LiveJournal. He even offered me some sushi at a mutual friend's party a few weeks ago (but then he stayed in the kitchen until I left). I just wish he'd start dating someone else he's really into. I think then maybe he'd see how all wrong our relationship was and that things are better this way. I'm inviting all of our mutual friends. If I do invite him, should I call him? email? We haven't spoken in months. Or maybe I should just let it be. I really don't know.
a4a Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 Don't do it he is simply fishing for ya......... run forest run.... don't go back.... don't for cripes sake stay away...... what do you miss about him? Really....... He will just stink up your party.
Author Aloros Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 We have almost all the same friends. It feels like an awkward split custody situation. He gets to go to some get togethers, I get to go to others (mind, I have no problem being around him, but he has specified to our friends that he does not want to be around me), he shows up at certain times, I show up at others, I am NOT allowed to bring my current beau if we happen to be at the same place at the same time. I can't go to get togethers at the restaurant he works at - it's a big place and they have great deals on certain days. I used to go 1/week for their $1 bottle nights. All in all, I've had less time to spend with my friends. This became a big issue when one of my friends left for the Peace Corps for two years. My friends apologize for the restrictions, but they don't want to "cause drama". It's not a matter of missing him, etc. I just hate the drama and all the maneuvering. It's been close to a year. How long do we have to do this for? And I want to be able to bring my current bf around. He's important to me. It's important to me that my friends get to know him. It's such an irritant. It just feels pointless and stupid and I really don't feel like I should have to do all this so I can spend time with my friends.
tanbark813 Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 Well I have to say you must have a very understanding bf. There's no way I'd stick around for a year for a girl who wouldn't bring me around her friends because an ex might be there. It almost sounds like your ex is a higher priority than your current bf. I understand not wanting to create unnecessary drama, but nobody's putting a gun to your head to follow along with all the rules. Why not decide for yourself what you're going to do? If you want to bring your bf to get-togethers, then do so. F**k anyone who doesn't like it. Real friends will understand your predicament. The surest way to fail is to try to please everyone.
Author Aloros Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 I only don't bring my current bf around when my friend who is hosting specifically requests it. This has happened twice. I didn't stay for very long. The other times I have just not gone at all. The only reason I made an exception was because it was a very close friend, and I wasn't going to see him for two years. I don't have much choice except go, bring the bf, and disrespect the host's wishes, go and not bring the bf, or don't go at all. I'm not intent on pleasing everyone, but I have no wish to be spiteful either. My friends think this is lame too, but no one wants to tell him "no".
tanbark813 Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 Sometimes it takes balls and/or a spine to do the right thing.
Mrjayjay Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 wow, what a messy situation. i agree- i think your loyalty is to your new man. i say that they should all understand that and that you should take him where you wish, whenever you wish. that is completely reasonable.
silentcharon Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 You should invite him. If you wish to restore peace, if he comes- it breaks this cycle. It's not your fault he's being bitter- if he shows up, treat him with the same courtesy as you would for anyone else. Maybe this will open up a gate way to you being able to go to places whenever he's there without feeling unwelcome. I am in the same predicament as you are and it sucks. I don't see it getting any better anytime soon, but I'd like to think that everyone will eventually get over it and get along again someday.
Mary3 Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 This is absolutely rediculous your scheduling your times and your life around your ex. To he** with him and bring your new bf and have fun !
bridget_jones Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Is this book actually going to be published? No. don't invite him.
a4a Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 If you have to share friends I would call the X and tell him what an ass he is being. He needs to grow up and get over it and quit using the friends as shields because he cannot deal with his own emotions. He needs to move to another state.
Author Aloros Posted April 5, 2007 Author Posted April 5, 2007 You should invite him. If you wish to restore peace, if he comes- it breaks this cycle. It's not your fault he's being bitter- if he shows up, treat him with the same courtesy as you would for anyone else. Maybe this will open up a gate way to you being able to go to places whenever he's there without feeling unwelcome. I am in the same predicament as you are and it sucks. I don't see it getting any better anytime soon, but I'd like to think that everyone will eventually get over it and get along again someday. I'm sorry to hear you're going through the same thing I am. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one, but it sucks, huh? I wish he'd just get over himself. I should have seen this coming, since he'd always had a tendency to be over-dramatic. He's always made a big deal out of things that had our friends scratching their heads. Ugh. I'm considering dropping him a line, but I do feel I've consistently been offering the olive branch with no reply. I wish I could yell at him "Stop being an idiot!" and he'd say "Oh, ok." and do it, but that obviously didn't work when we were IN a relationship.
Author Aloros Posted April 5, 2007 Author Posted April 5, 2007 Is this book actually going to be published? No. don't invite him. I hope so. I've spent long enough on it. It's only a rough draft at this point, but after I polish it up, I'm going to start submitting to agents and publishers. *crosses fingers!*
Author Aloros Posted April 5, 2007 Author Posted April 5, 2007 If you have to share friends I would call the X and tell him what an ass he is being. He needs to grow up and get over it and quit using the friends as shields because he cannot deal with his own emotions. He needs to move to another state. I would LOVE it if he moved to another state. All my problems, solved!
oppath Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 I handled the demise of my last relationship pretty harshly and bitterly because she asked to be FWB < 2 weeks after she dumped me, and two weeks after that I was informed her ex of 5 years proposed to her 2 weeks before the breakup. I said some harsh words I regretted, and I apologized, more times than I should. I offered olive branches because there were mutual friends involved, and I eventually wanted things to be civil. I "over-reacted" to some very hurtful feelings of being used and betrayed by her, and I acknowledged it. I was basically told by her best friend any kind of reconciliation as friends was impossible and that I should just stay away. This really hurt me. Not getting any reaction from her that validated me hurt me. My self esteem was crushed too much over this but STILL I'd like, at some point, to be big enough were it doesn't affect me to be in her presence. I don't want to shield myself. All I want is "you are right. I also did some and said (or didn't say) things I shouldn't have. I understand why you were hurt. Of course, if we are around each other, we can be civil. There is no reason for bitterness or anger." This will likely never come from her. Offer the olive branch. Say something like you "always appreciated his support and it would mean a lot for him to be there." At the very least, it will end this cycle for you. He can either choose to accept it or not. When I get back into town I do intend to do something similar with my ex. I'm not sure why. I'm not fully over her yet, but it is inevitable we will run into each other. As far as I am concerned, she is the one being cold and cruel and bitter if she doesn't acknowledge it. My earlier apologies...things were still too raw for both of us. I will never be her friend, but I hope we can be friendly.
Mary3 Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 I would LOVE it if he moved to another state. All my problems, solved! Let me rent the UHaul for him ........
Trialbyfire Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 I would invite him, then let all your mutual friends know that this was done with the understanding that it was time to bury the hatchet. He has to grow up sometime. If you didn't frequent the same social circles, I wouldn't bother.
corazoncito Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 I've been in the situation where I was the new GF and the BF wanted to pussyfoot around the ex so as not to hurt her feelings. It SUCKED!!! Made me feel like dirt. I put a stop to that crap very quickly. Your current BF sounds VERY patient but please don't count on that patience to last. If you have a friend that's going away and you're BF isn't invited (assuming you care about him), you don't go to the party. You call up the friend and try to meet him for dinner/lunch/coffee/drinks on your own so that you can say your good-bye's without disrespecting your BF. If they're really your friends, they'll understand and realize what happened between you and your ex is none of their business and it's not their job to take sides or play umpire.
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