Ormolu611 Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 Okay, I have posted this question before, but admittedly, not in a direct or clear manner. My gf broke up with me over dinner in the end of February after almost 9 years together. Despite the fact that she was definitely experiencing issues with the relationship and getting more and more detached, she seemed to arrive at the conclusion to split very suddenly, as in within a 24 hour period. She was very clear and said things to me like, "you need to find someone else who is better suited for you." She had tried to leave before but never had. I simply and calmly told her that I thought that she was making a mistake and did not say much more. She jumped into no contact immediately. I called her the day after the breakup to tell her that I had her leftovers and did not hear from her for 2 days. When she did call, she asked how I was doing and told me the reason that she did not call sooner was that she wanted to establish some sense of separation. I heard her loud and clear and have been in no contact since then with the exception of a single, bland text exchange that I initiated a couple of weeks ago. Told her I hoped she was doing fine, she responded that she hoped for the best for me, I replied "thanks, that I was actually doing okay." (Partially true) Here is my question: She ended it so suddenly that she still has important personal things at my house, and I have stuff at hers. I know that this stuff is VERY imprtant to her. There is no way she will leave it indefinitely as a lot f it is very sentimental to her. What gives? What is she waiting for? It seems to me to be extra awkward to have to contact each other to take care of this at this point or even weeks or months from now, doesn't it? - after clearly establishing a no contact policy? I feel that it will set the no contact efforts back significantly and that she is working backwards. I do not want to be the first to contact her under any circumstances and am waiting for her to make the first move since she initiated the breakup and set the pace for the no contact. Why might she not have taken care of this at the outset? Any ideas as to what she might be thinking? Any advice for me? It is wierd, it is as if the breakup is not complete until we each get our stuff. Maybe I should just call and tell her that I need my stuff and she needs to come get hers? I am in a phase right now in which I cannot stop analysing everything and trying to figure what happened and what is happening. It pisses me off to think that she is out starting a new life without me which probably will include dating others while her sh*t is conveniently in "storage" at my place. Makes me want to have a blue light special yard sale! Sorry, heat of the moment . . . I'm not that vindictive. Sometimes I just feel angry that a nearly 9 year effort was thrown away like so much toilet paper. I tried everything to salvage it. What to do in this dilemma?
bridget_jones Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 Why were you seeing each other so long with no marriage? Could be she wants a guy who will truly commit. Sounds like the relationship had just run its course for her, life is short, time to find a guy to get married to. Anyway, yes, call her and get the stuff exchanged back, especially if it is important stuff. Give her X amount of time to get her stuff (say 2 or 3 weeks) then say you will sell it if she doesn't arrange a time to come and pick it up.
Author Ormolu611 Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 Why were you seeing each other so long with no marriage? Could be she wants a guy who will truly commit. Sounds like the relationship had just run its course for her, life is short, time to find a guy to get married to. Anyway, yes, call her and get the stuff exchanged back, especially if it is important stuff. Give her X amount of time to get her stuff (say 2 or 3 weeks) then say you will sell it if she doesn't arrange a time to come and pick it up. Good question. Truth is I do not feel that it was me who had the committment issues. She scared me often as she was oftentimes so very wishy washy with regards to the relationship. Just confused and conflicted. We would get into an argument or she would be having a bad week, and she would question the relationship. I feel that because of this, she never let the relationship progress, even though it was clear that she wanted it to at times. We were in limbo. One month, she wanted to marry me, the next, she had serious doubts and wanted to leave. WTF? Back and forth, back and forth. I just figured that prior to making a marriage commitment, there should be a certain period of stabilty on her part, or why else would things change after marrying? Surely that was not too much to ask? I was tired of the stress - everytime she was having a bad week, I had to worry if our relationship would end. Disaster always seemed to be looming. I suggested counseling, but she was not interested - did not want to dig deeper into the issues as it stressed her out more. We had been to couples counseling once several years earlier and she did not like the fact that the therapist suggested that she would benefit from additional counseling on her own. I could never get her back to therapy. . . I guess we are both just tired.
Author Ormolu611 Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 Alright, maybe I should call. Any idea as to why she might have started no contact before taking care of business like this and tying up loose ends? It just doesn't make sense to me . . . it will be hard for me to initiate contact.
bridget_jones Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 I think in this case, where you have significant items of hers at your place, it is reasonable to call her up. Also if she has things of yours that are signfican't items. By significant, I don't mean a shirt or sweater you left over there. Like expensive stuff. Feb. was 2 months ago so a couple months have gone by so I think it is within reason. I think if you can be civil with each other, just do it. If it brings on a conversation of the status of your relationship, so be it, you can get some things out in the open with each other and maybe get some clarity on why she did what she did, and if she considers this "for good" and such.
Author Ormolu611 Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 Feb. was 2 months ago so a couple months have gone by so I think it is within reason. I think if you can be civil with each other, just do it. If it brings on a conversation of the status of your relationship, so be it, you can get some things out in the open with each other and maybe get some clarity on why she did what she did, and if she considers this "for good" and such. Hmmm. Thanks BJ for your thoughts. I can't help thinking that on some level I wonder if her leaving her stuff like that is a way to leave the door open so to speak, even if only a crack. Why would she do that unless she was not as certain about her decision as she would have me think. Then other times I wonder what does it matter? I do not think that I could ever trust her again. I do know that once our stuff is returned to each of us, then there is really no excuse to ever talk to each other again. Maybe she is thinking the same thing . . . again, it shouldn't matter.
bridget_jones Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 I would call her when it's unlikely she would answer, such as when she's at work, and leave a message. Or email her about the stuff. That is acceptable. It is true about the stuff, there is probably a reason she hasn't made efforts to get it back yet. But practically, at the same time, it's not fair for you to have to store it and be reminded of the relationship everyday when you see it there everyday.
soulseeker Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 I can't help thinking that on some level I wonder if her leaving her stuff like that is a way to leave the door open so to speak, even if only a crack. Why would she do that unless she was not as certain about her decision as she would have me think. Then other times I wonder what does it matter? I do not think that I could ever trust her again. I do know that once our stuff is returned to each of us, then there is really no excuse to ever talk to each other again. Maybe she is thinking the same thing . . . again, it shouldn't matter. I would just progress with your life with the thinking she is not coming back. You dont leave a nine year realtionship on a whim. It took me two years to leave a guy I had already been with for four years. Sometimes, you just have to be sure. It's not fair.
Author Ormolu611 Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 I would just progress with your life with the thinking she is not coming back. You dont leave a nine year realtionship on a whim. It took me two years to leave a guy I had already been with for four years. Sometimes, you just have to be sure. It's not fair. Who knows how sure she is . . . I certainly have not heard from her at all. She seemed pretty sure when she broke up with me based on the things that she said. I mean, she spoke pretty clearly and frankly. This is the first time in our long relationship that she has wanted to leave and I have not tried to convince her otherwise, so we are in uncharted territory here. I'm sure this must be a different experience for her. Normally, I would be fighting for her and the relationship, but I'm just tired of it all. Why am I always the one fighting to hold it together? No more pressure from me . . . too much drama. At any rate, I am trying my best to envision and re-create my life without her in it, but the whole issue with all her stuff here I think will only make that harder for me. Who knows what is going on in her head. Her personal belongings being over here despite the deafening silence just makes things murkier i think.
Author Ormolu611 Posted April 7, 2007 Author Posted April 7, 2007 Wow . . . she actually just contacted me for the stuff. She beat me to it. She was too chicken to call me and sent a text message instead. Low. Should I be a man and call her back, or should I just get back to her via text/email? I figure that if I do not call, she will think that I just cannot deal with hearing her voice or something? Thoughts . . . anyone?
bridget_jones Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 Don't respond to the text. For all you know, you didn't get it, sometimes I don't get those. She'll HAVE to call you then.
Author Ormolu611 Posted April 7, 2007 Author Posted April 7, 2007 Don't respond to the text. For all you know, you didn't get it, sometimes I don't get those. She'll HAVE to call you then. Good idea . . .Thanks again Bridget!
Author Ormolu611 Posted April 19, 2007 Author Posted April 19, 2007 Don't respond to the text. For all you know, you didn't get it, sometimes I don't get those. She'll HAVE to call you then. Okay, I really do not intend to beat a dead horse with this thing but . . . what can I say. I'm confused and trapped in an overly analytical state I guess. I just want to make sure that I am handling this appropriately and to see if there may be other suggestions. I admit, I am in so deep I cannot see the situation for what it is anymore. I've been in NC for just aout 8 weeks now. After she sent me a text on Saturday saying that she wanted to pick up her stuff at 6:30pm on the next day which was Easter Sunday. She sent me an email just a few minutes later saying the same thing. Fed up, I called her but she did not answer. In a calm detached voice, I told her that I was busy Sunday (duh!), and that time would not work for me. I said that the earliest I could be available was Tuesday evening. A day passed . . . nothing from her. On Monday evening at around 8pm, she called and left a message saying that Tuesday would not work as she need help from a girlfriend (she has a minivan) and that her friend is only available on the weekends. She suggested that it might be good for me to bring the items over if I could fit them in my car and if I did not mind. She said that she would try for the upcoming Sunday otherwise. I called, leaving a message saying that I could bring some of the stuff if she did not think everything would fit in her friends's vehicle because the largest table would not fit in mine. Otherwise, it was probably best to get everything at one time. 2 days later, she called back with a message saying yes, she agreed that it would be better to get everything at one time, she would try Sunday. Well, Sunday afternoon arrived with no word from her. I called, left a message in a completely nonchalant tone - "I just wanted to touch base and see if you were still planning on getting your stuff today, and to let me know so tha I can plan accordingly." 1 hour later she calls, leaves a message saying that no, she will not be there today and maybe will not be there next Sunday either as she is just so busy with two weeks left to the school semester. She will call me if she thinks of anything else. "I hope your doing well" she says. Talk about dragging this out!!!!! How can I maintain no contact with this constantly sitting on the horizon? What the hell gives? Should I just take this for face value or is she trying to screw with me? I know that if I broke up with a long term partner, I would be sure to get my sh*t as soon as possible! It just makes for a wierd situation! This stuff was like the elephant in the closet after she broke up with me and made no arrangements for it. She had Spring Break weeks ago and I heard nothing from her then which would have been an excellent opportunity. She knew how busy she would be getting towards the end of the semester. Should I simply keep waiting? Am I handling this okay?
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