StockUP Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 In walking to the Will Ferrel movie “Blades of Glory” last night. Luke and I had an inspiring talk. He began telling me about this book he read about how a pair of sociologist have tried to explain generations such as the WWII or so called “greatest generation” and other form, and that it is cyclical. Much like the other side of the argument for Global warming in how we were only 100 years ago worried about a deep freeze, and now we are worried about too much heat. It caused me to then think about casue and effect. I firmly believe that because of the prim and proper times where everyone sacrificed for the greater good of our country, out of that very conservative time of self sacrifice came a natural reaction to focus back on ourselves. And how possibly that focus is redirecting itself in another civic generation that believes its up to them to help solve things in our world. It got me thinking about a close relationship of mine that has just ended. Her strong belief is that everything happens for a reason. I, being on the receiving end, call that bluff. There is in science and in plain reality, a cause to every affect, a reaction to every action. In my relationship my partner’s feelings suddenly and unexpectedly changed very drastically. They began to back track at a fast pace. Being a human with emotions and I attempted to reason the change. I was taken aback and left reeling trying to cope with what had happened. Her feelings caused by some event unknown to me caused me to react with caution, with emotion, to be not in balance with myself. Her excuses for the following breakup were easier for her. In her mind, I was no longer the person she was attracted to. In retrospect, I had a feeling the end result of us breaking up was there all along, and this was just the one of the many roads that led to the predetermined conclusion. It was simply much easier now to pick at my faults, and chastise my feelings in order to more easily conclude with what was best for her. I had no chance either way. In my thoughts simply chanting “Everything happens for a reason” is the easy way out. It is a blind faith that continues to scapegoat our responsibility for our thoughts and actions. By trusting that the world will simply spin in a fashion that will take us to a higher level of peace and happiness with no work of our own is ludicrous. I have succumbed to the whim and fancy of another. In reality things happened because of a conscious decision and even more real action. In this case she was prompted by feelings caused by her past, her earlier relationships, or a number of other factors. She had made a conscious decision to push me away. In reaction to pushing me away, I was still left committed the same way to the relationship as I had been before, but now with this doubt that, maybe I should cut back, but those were not my feelings. She continued to withdraw from her commitment. First in the form of time spent, second in the form of no longer being “in a relationship” and then finally believing now my feelings had caused her to no longer be attracted to me, and our eventual breakup. In speaking with a few individuals it seems this may stem from some reaction she has to being close with someone. She had no problems in our first 4 months together. Now for some reason she is afraid of this close bond, or commitment or whatever sparked her natural response of “I am too close, I need to back off.” Relationships are not for everybody. Not everyone is at the same point or have the same goals either. However, this situation did disappoint me in the sheer fact she and I were at the same point, and she simply decided that she would change that. When someone looks at you and tells you they have been the happiest they have been in the longest time, that “when you know, you know” about someone, and especially looks you straight in the eye at a bar while out with friends, “ I am going to marry you one day” you feel their desire, and commitment. Albeit those are strong commitments for such an early time, it is what happened. We were both in the same place I noticed this change about 3 weeks ago. It is a shame I did not try to compensate, but I believed this was just a phase. A typical scare everyone goes through when they realize is this really what I want? In the end this very independent person felt that she could not be independent with someone again. I had heard rumors to the effect that she would date people, and become very serious, and then simply lose out. Those were people she just “dated.” Everyone of her friends were surprised at how she was with me. She was so different. She was so excited. She mentioned frequently that she just knows how she feels about me and is extremely happy. Something has scared her and instead of facing her fear, she is deciding to push it away. Her friend have felt the same. She is pushing everything out of her life. I has been a very rough 3 weeks. My reaction now is one of cold hard truth. I have accepted that she has pushed me away. I cannot sit idle and pawn over her existence, no matter how much I want to wait for her to realize the extent of what she has done. I want her so badly to call me up and say I am sorry for everything I have done, I love you, I care for you, and I KNOW I want to be with you without any reservations. But I am moving on. I must for my own sanity. She has lead me to accept her being single, and yet have me still be there for her, and see me on her terms. I am taking a stand for myself. I am accepting her change in feelings and that she no longer has the commitment to me that I have for her. I am cashing out. I am going to see friends out of town, hanging out with those in town, and focusing on some big plans I have always had. This time is about me. It could have been about us, but I can no longer invest in a stock that has just crashed. I am still very sad, and when I see pictures of her is still drags up some hard emotions. But I am putting all those away. Deleting them off myspace/facebook and trying to get her out of my life. It is a hard thing to do when you would have 3 weeks ago done anything for this person, and put them above any other, including yourself. In the end it is not me that has to figure anything out. I know how I feel. I know what I want. It is her that for the large part is obviously immature in how to deal with a relationship, and has stuck with the immature reaction of simply pushing it away. I am living in reality, and the reality is this. I met someone who I had an amazing 4 months with, and who then changed their mind and did the only thing they knew what to do, which was push everything away. Now I am moving on and as much as old feelings try to make my head turn, I am trying my best to get up each day, and not look back I have thought about the possibility of her contacting me. She was so easily reminding me on the ride home from Key West (where we regretfully broke up, most horrible night and 7 hour car ride of my life) that I was talking like I would never see her again. I guess she didn’t realize that was probably the truth. We had gone far past a point where she could easily tell me “we can no longer date” to just hanging out as friends. I still have those same feelings for her. The only way she will know if she does is to move on. In speaking with my friend I have said I will not contact her at all. I will not check her profile on myspace/facebook (and have held myself to it thankfully) and that I would remove all visual references to her (albeit its hard to truly eliminate everything, there is the occasional shirt they bought you, or item you use frequently, so you must look at it as a tool you use, and with no emotional attachment). I have thought that if she called, and so easily tried to play like we were now “buds” that I would say look, I am not comfortable with that. You know how I feel about you. You obviously don’t have those feelings for me anymore. You have taken away all the commitment from our relationship, and so I am removing mine. I am moving on with my life, and I just can’t hang out with you like I don’t have any feelings for you. We went beyond a point where that is possible right now for me. I cannot be this person who is only available to you when you want and on your terms. You either want to be with me or you don’t and you obviously don’t right now. I accept that, and I am going forward. You pushed me away so I am going to keep on walking away, right where you left me. There is the possibility, however remote, that she may call and want to talk about some things. Knowing the kind of person she is this may not occur. She will stick to her guns and do what she wants. So I must do what is best for me, and just move forward. If someone does not care enough about you to commit to you, then you cannot commit to them. As cliché as this sounds, a relationship is about two people. As long as those two people are willing to invest in a mutually beneficial partnership where each remains committed to the fundamental idea that they care for each other, love each other, and want to be with each other, then all other things can be worked out. Sometimes things overcome us, but for me that is all I need. However, its not what she was willing to give anymore. I cannot be subject to someone’s turbulent and backtracking emotions. They left me, they pushed me away. I was nothing but supportive, and I stuck it out trying to help. It doesn’t help. It hurts, and sucks more than most things in life will. But, in the end if you are not happy, you must go to where you are happy. Leave all those bags of relationships past behind. We cannot live for the past, we must enjoy what we have, work towards what we want, and strive to find the next great relationship, or accomplishment in our life. Face it, Accept it, See the lessons in it, and Take yourself to the next level. You will find you will get over things FAST once you learn to be real with yourself (Yes FAST is an acronym, I saw it online and it really helped me). Everything does happen for a reason yes. But to just blindly go through life without taking responsibility, or initiative for those things we desire, and want, and feel, and need is irresponsible. Take charge of your life. The things you make happen will happen for a reason, because you did something about it to help bring it about. And remember as well, there are some things you cannot change. Just as in my case, I had to simply accept what came my way, because there wasn’t a damn thing I could have done about it. All I can do know is what is best for me. Enjoy your day. It will get better, as fast as you want it to be. Let it out, talk about it till you are so sick of telling your friends that you just say I am over it. Accept it. Learn from it and go have a great night out with those that do care for you. Buy them dinner or a present too. You did just bitch to them for the last few hours didn’t you? Have a great day going to the next level. Thanks Luke, you are my brother from another mother.
Heartache11 Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 StockUP, your words are truely inspiring and great advice for anyone who is going through a rough break-up. It's so true that you have to realize this isn't your fault, that the person changed, ad that two people must make a relationship work. I am going to bookmark this. I actually am going through a somewhat similar break-up where my boyfriend left me after 2 & 1/2 years because he felt his life was in a constant cycle. He was scared of the commitmet and things getting serious too soon. He could have talked to me and tried to work through this rough patch, but he chose not to. He knows I was a great girlfriend who truely cared for him. We have been through a similar skit before, but had kept contact and got back together. I've come to accept there is nothing I can do to change this and I need to live for myself. The one part I'm having trouble with is realizing he isn't coming back. But thank you again for your words. You really have a great perspective on life and relationships.
Recommended Posts