Author a4a Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 Its ok a4a, I didn't even think that. I'm just saying I can totally relate to how you feel about things. Its draining. One more point I wanted to throw in was, I read too, that, not ALL, but alot of the times a person who is really PA, will NOT be the one to leave a relationship either. I'm not saying some don't, because they do, but most do not. The reason is many, but one is, it would just assume kill them to end something and be looked at as the bad guy. They would rather the other person end it, becasue it takes the guilty burden off of them. They wont no, and never will want any responsibilty or blame for anything (unless something major changes within them) as long as another person will do it, take the blame etc, it frees them from guilt. Then if the other person wants to seperate or divorce..the PA person will go into sulk mode, out comes the 8th dwarf, who I call Mopey, and he will ever so wonder why the love of his life wanted to end things. The thing is, he knows exactly why things were ended, as long as he is not the one to do it. Thanks Jade!! Good to chat with someone who knows the scoop. And you are right. During months of useless chatter with him I pointed that out exactly.. "so when I walk out that door, I want it to be clear to you why I did. Don't act shocked or surprised".................... yeah I am aware of the no responsibility crap the PA pulls.... no responsibility..... no blaming yourself. hell he manages to blame not getting paint on me...... I did not put the paint chits in his wallet........ :lmao: Smokes tho, he sure had me fooled as mr. perfect for a couple of years..... really had me snowed. Game Over Bucko! he will never leave unless I decide to really force him to want out...... You are right he doesn't want to be the "bad guy". He loves me and the only thing that I did to upset him last month was to leave my shoes too close to the door so he tripped on them..... serious...... this is what he told shrinky dink. wth is that :lmao: come on now I know I did at least something else that he did not like or wanted something else...... I am not that perfect. :lmao: the word "liar" keeps popping into my head for some reason?
Art_Critic Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 I am a "you want it, go get it" kind of person..... "obstacles just mean you need to find a different route to your goals"......... This sticks out to me.... Is this contradictory to your whole post ?.. Dont know what you mean.... Hey A4a.. What I meant by it being contradictory is that you see yourself as someone who can make a snap decision if necessary.. someone who can take the bull by the balls so to speak.. Well.. I think you are really different than you see yourself.. You have trouble making decisions or getting around obstacles in your marriage... you don't seem to be able to find a different route. Maybe... and this is just a maybe that you are as bad as he is about going for what you want.. you want it you go get it.. but in reality you don't.. Is it possible that because you see yourself differently than maybe you are that he sees you differently also ? and he doesn't see you as someone who goes out and gets what she wants and he is falling into line into the person you really are than falling into line with the person you think you are ? Say that 3 times twice ... Just my yammering... this is most likely why I suck at this kind of advice
Author a4a Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 Lord, I hear your frustration, loud and clear. Step back from the utensil drawer and breathe deeply. I had the image of a steel hedgehog. Do you have the option of paying bills through your credit card or some form of automatic debit from your Bank account? I'm mentioning this because if some of the little frustrations can be removed, maybe the two of you can work on the things that matter. While it may sound attractive, drop kicking is considered spousal abuse. That is all set up online.... even email bill reminders...... a couple of seconds all the bills are paid. Now I said I would happily handle this, no big deal. I have that option to stay here or go to the office for my own job...... he wants to be in control of the bills.... man thing..... fine.... whatever..... but I am stuck with Goober the elec. dude saying he will cut off the juice.....I have to deal with his non action results. Maybe I should have blown Goober and took a couple of pics to show the H what I had to do to keep the juice flowin' (no pun). Believe me, I have scheduled, planned, arranged envelopes in order of due dates, reminders, nice ones at that, post its..... he simply refuses to take action. Talked about organization, what he would like, what would work for him, what makes him feel like he is not being told what to do but makes it easier for him to not feel so chaotic..... blah blah blah...... but only when I lose it completely do things get done. oh did I mention his car insurance got canceled on his truck...... :lmao: :lmao: nice one too.......... See why I still have my own bank, insurance, and no joint acct with him. I think I do need that trip to the Keys! ..........alone
Author a4a Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 Hey A4a.. What I meant by it being contradictory is that you see yourself as someone who can make a snap decision if necessary.. someone who can take the bull by the balls so to speak.. Well.. I think you are really different than you see yourself.. You have trouble making decisions or getting around obstacles in your marriage... you don't seem to be able to find a different route. Maybe... and this is just a maybe that you are as bad as he is about going for what you want.. you want it you go get it.. but in reality you don't.. Is it possible that because you see yourself differently than maybe you are that he sees you differently also ? and he doesn't see you as someone who goes out and gets what she wants and he is falling into line into the person you really are than falling into line with the person you think you are ? Say that 3 times twice ... Just my yammering... this is most likely why I suck at this kind of advice no, because I do have a plan to either fix or bail..... I am happy with him in many ways.... but not enough. I am trying this route to get to the goal of getting through to him.... got his ass to therapy...... that was a goal reached. not that it seems to be helping, did for a short bit, but he is back at it again. He certainly does see me as a person who gets what I want. He is seeing that quite clearly through this business. He see's it when I deal with clients..... my job is to get them to give me their money...... and I do. He see's it when I make a 2000lb horse do what I want it to..... I may have to fight like hell...... but I will get what I want. Now you are right in a way. I let him have too much slack. I swear I think the best thing I could do is go have a very obvious fling, and let the cards land where they may. Really no desire for that though...he only takes action at the 11th hour. My M is kinda like one of these stubborn horses that won't lead I have to deal with from time to time. I may not get them to move forward, they are bigger than me, but if I pull their head to the side they lose their balance enough to have to move when I make them....... eventually they learn it is not worth fighting and I can make them move...... they end up being led in the direction I choose..... can't go forward, then we are going sideways until you get the message. Trust me when I say I don't quit..... I do get what I want.... maybe at time a break is needed so nobody gets killed... but I will get the horse to lead plan A...... or I do have the option to shoot it. Plan B. Still on plan A but thinking plan B may be better cuz this horse isn't really worth my time. :lmao:
dropdeadlegs Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 What an epiphany! You are describing my second marriage. My "business" was my household, but everything else fits to a tee. I remember getting so frustrated, almost daily, and the most unnerving thing was the blank stare when confronted with real issues that had been discussed ad nauseum (sp?) right up until the 11th hour. I was constantly taking on more responsibility for our entire lives while all he had to be accountable for was going to work and coming home afterwards. Even that was too difficult. The part about a PA person not usually leaving, then sidling up with Mopey was only one of the many infuriating things. What made me kick him to the curb was more serious than this PA behavior, but why run around telling people how sorry they should feel for him? Why the "I still love her soooo much" crap? "Why the poor, poor, pitiful and misunderstood/unappreciated me" malarkey. He knew exactly what he did, and while I didn't expect him to run around saying "well, I touched DDL's 13 year old daughter in a completely inappropriate way, so things just didn't work out" it would have been far better to explain that he preferred not to delve into details yet accepted full responsibility for the failure of the union. I just learned a lot about that man on this thread. He's no longer a problem for me (deceased) but it's still good to have some better understanding of the past in order to prevent the repetition of history. a4a, I have no advice to offer, just empathy. I would probably insist on paying the bills after a threat of disconnection and several late charge fees, but in truth, that didn't get me anywhere in my personal travails with this type of man. Looking back I should have severed the ties much sooner as the frustration only deepened ten-fold over time, but I felt some obligation to our kids. That only brought additional heartache and pain of a different kind, not that you should expect him to act inappropriately with your horses. Then again, maybe there's something to a PA personality that could shed light on that front as well. All I could decipher was some sick perversion, but there could be a relation. Indifference is what you seem to be heading for, and I know for me that's when it's over. Good luck.
Author a4a Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 I have reached indifference...... I am at the whatever phase...... I don't have any fantasy about growing old with him.....I really have no expectations..... they will just be unfulfilled - but he is good at his job, I can use that for now. See it's all about ME now. What is good for ME. What IIIIIII need. ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME! I don't care if he comes home or not.... unless there is a task I need a hand with. I don't pack his lunch, I don't do much for him..... no reason to.... hell as horny as I am I don't even want to do that with him. :lmao: But I am unfortunatley stuck here for many months...... so I will continue the business, make some cash, and attempt to lead the horse until the appropriate moment is there to shoot the horse ........ most likely the horse must be shot........ but it is not the time for me to do so right now. You gotta plan on shooting the horse, ya can't just shoot it and leave it in the pasture. Gotta have a plan..gotta dig the hole for it first.... working on that.... but now is not the time to pack up and leave - shoot the horse. So in the meantime back at the ranch...... I need to vent. The shrinky dink has had it with him too.... head shakes, eye rolls....... so I know I am not the crazy one in this M...... finally I stopped taking responsibility for all our problems. :D Only the ones I actually am responsible for do I now take on that responsibility.
VinaAmez Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 Well I'll take a stab at this. Sounds like he's a selfish lackadaisical person mixed with something. Has he always been like this? The only thing I can think to do is either leave or stay. Duh...I know. Perhaps he needs a wake up call or needs to see someone else.
JadeStar Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 The shrinky dink has had it with him too.... head shakes, eye rolls....... so I know I am not the crazy one in this M...... finally I stopped taking responsibility for all our problems. Only the ones I actually am responsible for do I now take on that responsibility. Good for you, thats the way it should be. Yeah it can even be draining fro shrinks too. I think one thing I have noticed is.....I feel I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't kind of thing. I feel it matters not in what direction I go or what I do, at some point blame will be placed back on me for my decisions, and thats really no way to live. I'm kind of in the "whatever" stage too. Hang in there a4a, go to the keys relax have some fun, you deserve it.
Author a4a Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 I think he needs a serious kick in the pants...... beat the hell outta him (not literally). I spent 3 months with him with various doctors to see what was physically wrong with him...... nothing is wrong with him. NOTHING! Oh he did have a tooth abcess briefly. He knew that there had to be something to explain why his game is so off. No he wasn't like this until we got married. 2 months post wedding (maybe something in the cake?) :lmao: Like he went fat and frumpy on me right after the "I do" crap. He was a go getter, did things, never really had time to do much but work but hell he had goals and did meet them...... then it was like he put everything on my plate. I feel tricked and lied to in a odd way. That pisses me off. Funny is I am not even angry right now...... I am at whatever again. back to contracts..... I love contracts!
Art_Critic Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 You seem to be saying that the marriage is basically over ??? that you are just gonna ride it out till the time is up on it.. He doesn't read LS by chance ? I would hope not since you have laid out a plan for divorce instead of a plan to fix the marriage.. Not doing anything other than asking.. I just wanted to make you think about what you write here in case he reads LS..
Author a4a Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 The shrinky dink has had it with him too.... head shakes, eye rolls....... so I know I am not the crazy one in this M...... finally I stopped taking responsibility for all our problems. Only the ones I actually am responsible for do I now take on that responsibility. Good for you, thats the way it should be. Yeah it can even be draining fro shrinks too. I think one thing I have noticed is.....I feel I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't kind of thing. I feel it matters not in what direction I go or what I do, at some point blame will be placed back on me for my decisions, and thats really no way to live. I'm kind of in the "whatever" stage too. Hang in there a4a, go to the keys relax have some fun, you deserve it. Yeppers going camping soon with friends....... just going.... farting office dog is here with me...... that is fun! You know if H walked in right now I think the only words I could say to him would be FU..... and in a matter a fact fashion... not angry.... just FU.... go away. Sadly you are right damn if ya do, damn if you don't. lets all just go masturbate....... more productive and enjoyable than pondering PA dumbasses. I think the shrink is going to boot him out. I did email shrinky dink to tell him I can no longer participate in the madness/unproductive sessions..... ISMW. Thanked him and wished him luck and progress with the H. Washed my hands of that.
Art_Critic Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 For me personally when I reached a point not unlike the point you are at I wrote off the marriage and told her I was done and that I was filing for divorce. I gave for years after the problems arose ..2.5 years in MC and 2 years in child therapy and after my camels back was broke I was gone.. never to go back there again.
Author a4a Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 You seem to be saying that the marriage is basically over ??? that you are just gonna ride it out till the time is up on it.. He doesn't read LS by chance ? I would hope not since you have laid out a plan for divorce instead of a plan to fix the marriage.. Not doing anything other than asking.. I just wanted to make you think about what you write here in case he reads LS.. Art nothing he doesn't already know. He can read all he wants... I have said it, laid it out on the table. No threats.... he chooses not to meet my needs, he is aware of what they are...... nothing to hide from him....... nothing. We will simply go our own ways.... I have no real ties. I will pocket my part of the business earnings and continue with it on my own.. he cannot pull it off... he will remain an employee of some other company. Hey you know any chicks I can fix him up with? He is cute...... he is good at fixing things.... oh except his M. But would make an awesome FWB handyman for hire type. (my original plan for him)...... he is pretty decent in bed if you just want a get to the point screw. Maybe he is screwing the kitchen chicken.... rolling around in her folds.... digging for pop tarts? funny I really don't care if he is......
Author a4a Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 For me personally when I reached a point not unlike the point you are at I wrote off the marriage and told her I was done and that I was filing for divorce. I gave for years after the problems arose ..2.5 years in MC and 2 years in child therapy and after my camels back was broke I was gone.. never to go back there again. Yep Art that is where I am.... no tears here.... all dried up.... lots of lies he told...... I wanna, I will, I know I should, I am going to, I wanted to......... blah f-ing blah blah blah..... don't have the hole for that horse quite yet... and he cannot make me get out...... still in the middle of building the other house - stuck here. I mean I really could cause havoc and move but not worth it. Don't feel like packing... need to have a yard sale, arrange moving 40 + animals.... blah blah blah. In the meantime I will play with the horse so I know I did all I could to see if it really needs to be shot. Pretty sure though. And I won't really miss it.
Author a4a Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 Get your butt to the Keys.. ya hear ? Worried about going alone.... I tend to get a tad on the wild side when in this sort of mood! :bunny: Friends keep hounding me to go on a cruise, other to visit, go here there...... I said if I go you gotta keep me in check. Last big break up I had a stable of 4 I was working and ended up on a car hood in a parking lot outside a bar..... :eek: whipped cream was involved. I think I still got a little whipped cream desire in me! :lmao:
Author a4a Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 Can you see my hot ass in a bikini on the beach in the Keys? <-------------- :lmao: I will have men dropping at my feet........ like flies!
VinaAmez Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 Sorry but he just doesn't care. Wonder if he'd noticed you not being there.
quankanne Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 getting away, alone, is probably the best thing you can do for yourself – decompress, enjoy not having to take charge of anyone other than yourself, get some perspective on things. I feel where you're coming from on the "husband with an avoidance issue" problem – mine does the same thing, usually just procrastinating so long that I just do it so that it gets done. It drives me nuts, but I'm getting to thinking that it's part of his mindset that he is not "able" to do it, wifey will. And I imagine this is a fundamental part of your husband's inaction: She's strong, she gets things done, I won't worry about it because I can count on her to take care of things. You know, a very bad case of co-dependency boosted by avoidance issues on his end. the idea of a list helps, because it gives him something concrete to focus on, and he can't keep putting things off because he's pushed them to the back of his mind. Also, follow through on the consequences. Don't pay the power bill for him if it's his responsibility, then when it's cut off, raise holy hell about having to do without. Blowing your top will get his attention if that's not your normal response. I know that's encouraging PA behavior, but dammit, sometimes you've got to resort to what they understand in cases like this (not including abuse, though Fork-in-Head can be a lovely fantasy at times). you've successfully trained critters, right? The same principal applies, you've got to condition them to behave properly so that you can trust them to be away from you. In this case, it's conditioning someone so that they'll keep up their responsibilities with little input from you ... start with the rolled up newspaper and the "I'm so disappointed in you, because I know you want to be a good dog" speech. It can't hurt, you know?
dropdeadlegs Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 a4a, a vacation will not fix anything, but you sure can use one just to get away from it all for awhile. A break will do you good. Camping, the Keys, whatever, just a break. Not to take away from your predicament, but I love your rants. They are quite enjoyable to read if you take the personal frustration you are feeling out of the equation. You have a way with words and phrases that knocks me off my chair in laughter at times. As is the norm for you, it sounds like you have a plan and will execute it if necessary, but more attempts at breaking the horse would probably be my choice, too. At least in the meantime, while executing the plan. Margaritaville sounds like a nice place to visit in the interim.
Author a4a Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 getting away, alone, is probably the best thing you can do for yourself – decompress, enjoy not having to take charge of anyone other than yourself, get some perspective on things. I feel where you're coming from on the "husband with an avoidance issue" problem – mine does the same thing, usually just procrastinating so long that I just do it so that it gets done. It drives me nuts, but I'm getting to thinking that it's part of his mindset that he is not "able" to do it, wifey will. And I imagine this is a fundamental part of your husband's inaction: She's strong, she gets things done, I won't worry about it because I can count on her to take care of things. You know, a very bad case of co-dependency boosted by avoidance issues on his end. the idea of a list helps, because it gives him something concrete to focus on, and he can't keep putting things off because he's pushed them to the back of his mind. Also, follow through on the consequences. Don't pay the power bill for him if it's his responsibility, then when it's cut off, raise holy hell about having to do without. Blowing your top will get his attention if that's not your normal response. I know that's encouraging PA behavior, but dammit, sometimes you've got to resort to what they understand in cases like this (not including abuse, though Fork-in-Head can be a lovely fantasy at times). you've successfully trained critters, right? The same principal applies, you've got to condition them to behave properly so that you can trust them to be away from you. In this case, it's conditioning someone so that they'll keep up their responsibilities with little input from you ... start with the rolled up newspaper and the "I'm so disappointed in you, because I know you want to be a good dog" speech. It can't hurt, you know? ehh thanks Q but I am over this critter cattle prod perhaps? now just need to vent and shave the coochie for the next contestant. by vent I mean rant - not air out the coochie..... :lmao: Time to euthanize the dog.... Even sending it to another trainer did not work out. Poor Shrinky Dink....... he is gonna make him nuts too.
Storyrider Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 a4a, I'm sure I'm more similar to your husband. The more he thinks you will fix his mistakes or whip him into shape, the more he will continue to drop the ball. It is obviously working for him in some (sick?) way. He's letting you be a parent to him instead of a wife. When you get on his case, it gives him a reason to be mad at you, and then he "forgets" about the phone bill for next month. It is a cycle, for sure.
quankanne Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 Shaved, Aired Coochie Pops, get 'em here! :D you'll do fine, of that I have no doubt Can you see my hot ass in a bikini on the beach in the Keys? better a Hot Ass than a Screaming one ...
Author a4a Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 a4a, a vacation will not fix anything, but you sure can use one just to get away from it all for awhile. A break will do you good. Camping, the Keys, whatever, just a break. Not to take away from your predicament, but I love your rants. They are quite enjoyable to read if you take the personal frustration you are feeling out of the equation. You have a way with words and phrases that knocks me off my chair in laughter at times. As is the norm for you, it sounds like you have a plan and will execute it if necessary, but more attempts at breaking the horse would probably be my choice, too. At least in the meantime, while executing the plan. Margaritaville sounds like a nice place to visit in the interim. thanks and vacation is just a brief escape.... won't fix a thing. But I did just get a wonderful visual of me slapping the crap out of him with a flip flop........ to the back of the head of course, just before I walk out the door on my way to Magaritaville............ Slappity slap slap....... "see ya in a week dumbass" throw in a whistle to a happy tune and the sound of my truck pulling out the drive. ehhh whatever....... I should write a screenplay and throw my little visuals in..... it could be such fun.
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