a4a Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 ehhhhhhhh.... frustration is not even strong enough to describe how I feel! The H is pushing me to the "whatever zone". Why does he consistantly wait until things explode before addressing them? Too many samples to list of this behavior. But my current concern is business related. I have been busting my ass from 7am until 10 pm every night to get things off the ground with the new business. I have been successful. We are making more money this month because of my effort than he has ever made on his own in the same amount of time........ at least double. So when I see a problem starting to brew and say "hey, heads up, this is what is likely to happen" he pretty much ignores it. He is so damn talented but is a fly by the seat of the pants kinda guy which causes pure chaos. He has been to the shrinky dink for a couple of months now. The shrink says he has a very negative outlook, acts miserable, talks himself into failure....blah blah blah blah blah..... Coping with this sucks for me. I am a "you want it, go get it" kind of person..... "obstacles just mean you need to find a different route to your goals"......... Goal of mine is to take a nice vacation... the Keys most likely, cheap, no big planning, weekend or 4 days. flip flops and cocktails........ relax baby relax. His reply to this idea is not "wow, sounds great, lets go"......... it is immediatley "who will take care of the horses?" in panic mode. Seeing how my friend is a paid pet sitter, we have a neighbor who offers us this service for free as well.... both are quite competent...... wtf is his problem.... he knows both and has witnessed them state they are willing to do so, without me even asking. (it must be obvious that I need a vacation to them ) If things are imploding at work he see's no problem, but for a 3 day outting "oh no, what will we do with the horses?" (shoot them - I did finally get mad and say that) There is more to this than this alone....... but I am thinking maybe I should just head to the Keys alone??? (unless someone here would care to join me ) The drama at work is deep at this point and he is not exiting that either. I in the meantime am working my ass off on plan B because the current plan A is headed straight down the tubes...... if we follow his plan of do nothing and wait for something to happen we will end up in a cardboard box..... yet he saunters along with plan A........ like nothing is happening...... la la dee dah da........ He is also still on plan A within our M, regardless of the $80 an hour shrinks advice for him to make changes...... 6 months...... no changes...... He goes, says he will do this or that......... never does. I think the shrink is fed up with him too. I am frankly sick of his crap and I think it is time to lower the boom. I am being used as a business partner, used as a wife, sucked dry by his lack of action and sadly I am starting to not care..... Suggestions? I honestly do not wish to leave, I just bulldozed my other farm for new houses..... I really do not have a place now to keep my horses with me. (kids of sorts if you think of it that way, very expensive kids that need specific housing).
Trialbyfire Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 While I don't have a solution for you, here's some observations based on what you've written. You are probably already aware of this but I thought I would throw it out anyways. I'm not certain if he's using you or is simply someone who relies on you to cover his deficiencies. You are a proactive thinker, someone who can see the big picture and uses the "if" word so that you're not caught flat-footed. He appears to be reactive, allowing situations to force him to react, putting out small fires but never getting to the blaze. Notice that when you direct him to smaller jobs (vacation - horses, who will take care of them?), he's capable of some forward thinking?
Topper Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 Make an appointment with his shrink. The Shrink might be able to give you some advice on how to deal with your husband.
JadeStar Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 Suggestions? The only suggestion I have at this point, is one that I recommened to another just a few minutes ago. Its worth a look see anyway. Its a book called, "Living with the passive aggressive man." by; Scott Wetzler. People might get tired of hearing me preach about it, but the only reason I am is it really opened my eyes as to why he was/is the way he is. And how or what I can do about it. And as I said to another person, we are all passive aggressive to a point, but when when you have someone who is full fledged like that, and its a way of life for them in everything they do, from business to relationships, its draining and difficult. I feel for ya. Hang in there. Jade
Trialbyfire Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 As I think about this more, here are some questions you need to answer for yourself. As an assertive personality type, would you be happy with another assertive or aggressive personality type? While it may seem to be the ideal situation where both do their fair share, are you comfortable with someone else in the driver's seat doing things their own way?
Touche Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 I have the solution: Meet B4R and I on Sat. in Florida (on your way to the Keys!)
laRubiaBonita Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 get the dog to blow a rancid fart in H's direction.... The wind of Change, if you will....
Author a4a Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 While I don't have a solution for you, here's some observations based on what you've written. You are probably already aware of this but I thought I would throw it out anyways. I'm not certain if he's using you or is simply someone who relies on you to cover his deficiencies. You are a proactive thinker, someone who can see the big picture and uses the "if" word so that you're not caught flat-footed. He appears to be reactive, allowing situations to force him to react, putting out small fires but never getting to the blaze. Notice that when you direct him to smaller jobs (vacation - horses, who will take care of them?), he's capable of some forward thinking? You are so right about putting out the fires....... He told the shrink that he always has little fires popping up that need to be put out.... the majority of these fires are preventable....... and actually I end up putting them out. He works at the 11th hour. I cannot deal with that... I just got off the phone with him for the weeks scheduling. Things are going to change around here. I just don't have the desire to do anything nice for him any more..... sucked me dry. I don't even want to stab him in the head with a fork any more.... I would prefer it if he would just go away. Bad sign IMHO. He is aware........ totally aware of this. ehhhh more to this but I gotta get some work done...... Interestingly enough something he also does is he never has my back.... I swear someone could try to kill me and he would just watch. He does let people basically attack me and does not say a peep..... so tired of that. Boy I got a bit of the pissy's today :lmao: passive aggressive bastard.
Art_Critic Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 I am a "you want it, go get it" kind of person..... "obstacles just mean you need to find a different route to your goals". This sticks out to me.... Is this contradictory to your whole post ?.. I have a tough time giving advice that would make a difference in situations like yours.. other than the obvious of draw a line.. stick to it kinda thing.. Go on vacation without him.. but try to include him so you don't drive a wedge where one doesn't already exist.
hotgurl Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 a4a I am sorry things aren't going well anymore. I thought things improved for a while. I would suggest going to the keys alone and after you have recharged you batteries come back and make up a plan of attack. I would also suggest seeing his shrink to see if you can get any ideas and how to deal witht he hubby since you can't leave. I don't have any real great advice for you. I'm sorry. But if you want company in the keys I'll tag along. I might need some help with applying the coconut oil.
Author a4a Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 As I think about this more, here are some questions you need to answer for yourself. As an assertive personality type, would you be happy with another assertive or aggressive personality type? While it may seem to be the ideal situation where both do their fair share, are you comfortable with someone else in the driver's seat doing things their own way? well sure it would be nice if he could do something...... at least what he says he will do. Would that be an assertive personality? fine example..... just happened. I am typing up an estimate from home, working on a couple of contracts for the new biz (not mine - our biz), the electric company shows up to turn off the power :lmao: :lmao: good thing I was here..... No we have money, so that isn't why it isn't paid ..... he said he was going to pay it..... drives right by the drop box almost every day.... could pay it online, could mail a check....... so the guy says it is only $200 and could he pay it today...... 2 months it has not been paid...... nice. Super....... needless to say I am not sure how many F-bombs I just dropped on him via phone.... told him to deal with it or I will burn the f-ing house down and he won't need any f-ing electricity for it. (gosh I guess I finally broke)........ told him his little dish tv would get turned off too but not to worry because his plasmas will make nice rafts for the goats to play on in the creek...... Final sentence was a loss of temper and told him to grow the F up..... I think I said it rather loud...... like super scream. I think he gets a woodie when he pisses me off..... likes it. I just lost it...... f-bombs were a flyin'. Normal situation like this I simply just pay the damn thing if he doesn't...... he loves paying late fees........ brillant. I could probably go to the Keys and drink all I want on the amount of money he blows on late fees.... dumbass. My days are consistantly interrupted by his stupidity. I think I scared the electric guy.... my face must have gone from "can I help you" to I am going to kill...... kill....... kill......... kill....... kill................. Now throw that experience aside and I gotta finish this estimate.... hard to focus when such stupidity occurs daily.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 Type A's and Type B's do very well together provided they both fall toward the center. When both are on the outside it can be maddening. I'm the B in that situation. I also was raised by an engineer and taught to plan everything by Murphy's Law. I'm slow, methodical, and a thinker. My H is an acter. He scares the **** out of me just plowing forward without considering what can go wrong. Even a small job such as painting a room can cause us to want to kill each other. You won't change him anymore than you will change yourself. You can learn to work together provided you accept what you have to work with. Sounds like he's a little overwhelmed so nothing is getting accomplished, probably scared shtless and he's chasing his tail. He probably has somewhat of an avoidant personality as well as trouble not being able to see the forrest for the trees. It doesn't sound like he's intentionally using you but he isn't holding up his end. He'll never be the type to run head on to attack problems, you'll have to accept that - or choose not to, unfortunately I'm sure he picks up on your disappointment and feels like less of a man in your eyes. If you choose to accept him as he is you'll have to learn to appreciate other things about him and make sure he knows. PM me if you go to the Keys along, I'm all up for cocktails and flops... provided I can find someone to feed the dog!
Author a4a Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 This sticks out to me.... Is this contradictory to your whole post ?.. I have a tough time giving advice that would make a difference in situations like yours.. other than the obvious of draw a line.. stick to it kinda thing.. Go on vacation without him.. but try to include him so you don't drive a wedge where one doesn't already exist. Dont know what you mean..... I am not exactly focusing at the moment... you usually have good points so please do explain...... it is appreciated. As for seeing his shrink I have..... sat in, chatted, not one sided at all. H says he is happy....... maybe that is the problem. Shrink asked him what he did to make our M better in the 4 week period between visits... H said nothing..... because he did nothing.......... waste of money...... like sending him to the doctor and refuses to take the medicine prescribed. I rarely yell or lose my temper as it is not productive.... I am starting to do so more often. And my new line to the H is " I am not playing this game with you, so stop now". He is classic PA..... although the shrink won't pin him with that to my face. Sucks because he really is a decent person. Or has me fooled into really thinking that. Tonight should be interesting around here.
JadeStar Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 He is classic PA..... although the shrink won't pin him with that to my face. I gathered that just from reading your post, and thats why I recommened the book.
Author a4a Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 Type A's and Type B's do very well together provided they both fall toward the center. When both are on the outside it can be maddening. I'm the B in that situation. I also was raised by an engineer and taught to plan everything by Murphy's Law. I'm slow, methodical, and a thinker. My H is an acter. He scares the **** out of me just plowing forward without considering what can go wrong. Even a small job such as painting a room can cause us to want to kill each other. You won't change him anymore than you will change yourself. You can learn to work together provided you accept what you have to work with. Sounds like he's a little overwhelmed so nothing is getting accomplished, probably scared shtless and he's chasing his tail. He probably has somewhat of an avoidant personality as well as trouble not being able to see the forrest for the trees. It doesn't sound like he's intentionally using you but he isn't holding up his end. He'll never be the type to run head on to attack problems, you'll have to accept that - or choose not to, unfortunately I'm sure he picks up on your disappointment and feels like less of a man in your eyes. If you choose to accept him as he is you'll have to learn to appreciate other things about him and make sure he knows. PM me if you go to the Keys along, I'm all up for cocktails and flops... provided I can find someone to feed the dog! I must be an ABer set a goal. figure out at least 2 plans on how to reach the goal. actually take the action to reach the goal. H plans his life but never does anything about it. He planned on paying the elec. bill.... I am sure he really did. Meant to, wanted to, was going to....... never did. This sums it up..... that is how he operates. This applies to all his endeavors. oh but he can indeed plan on how many hot dogs, buns, beer, and charcoal he needs for his tailgate party at the yearly Nascar race..... picks it up too..... interesting. Ain't gonna be no Nascar race this year..... no vacation - no race! The line is drawn!
Author a4a Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 He is classic PA..... although the shrink won't pin him with that to my face. I gathered that just from reading your post, and thats why I recommened the book. you know I am done reading and me doing the work for him....... unless I can shove the book up his ass and that will make a difference it won't help..... I got a PA book here already. He says he is not conciously PA...... doh........ :lmao:
hotgurl Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 I must be an ABer set a goal. figure out at least 2 plans on how to reach the goal. actually take the action to reach the goal. H plans his life but never does anything about it. He planned on paying the elec. bill.... I am sure he really did. Meant to, wanted to, was going to....... never did. This sums it up..... that is how he operates. This applies to all his endeavors. oh but he can indeed plan on how many hot dogs, buns, beer, and charcoal he needs for his tailgate party at the yearly Nascar race..... picks it up too..... interesting. Ain't gonna be no Nascar race this year..... no vacation - no race! The line is drawn! I am so like you a4a and my BF is so like your husband. Plans analizes etc.. but he moves agonizingly slow and I feel like such a nag. Plus the BF has no organizational skills what so ever. Don't even get em started about the bathroom remodel. I feel for you. I wish I had soem good advice but I don't. cocktails & flip flops sounds good to me.
JadeStar Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 you know I am done reading and me doing the work for him....... unless I can shove the book up his ass and that will make a difference it won't help..... I got a PA book here already. He says he is not conciously PA...... doh........ :lmao: Its really about what it is you are willing to put up with and not put up with. If you're done reading and doing all the work for him, I don't blame you one bit, you shouldn't have to do all the work. That book helped me to see what it was I needed to do and how I may have very well been enabling his behavior. I didn't say I caused it, becasue I didn't, but I did enable it, to a point, with how I reacted to his behavior. I never knew that though, because I was caught up in "Why in the hell was he like this." I didn't know you already had a PA book , but thought I would offer the one I read because it was a book I recently got. And for him to say he is not conciously PA, he could be to a point, but in the book I have, it clearly states most people who are PA are fully aware of what they are doing to you. If you are pissed off, hurt etc, its fine with them, as long as its not them. It even talked about how sometimes they will purposly set up situations just for you to get pissed off at makes them feel better. Its very diffcult behavior to live with. I sometimes am not sure why or how I do either, so I can relate. Jade
bab Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 I'm more like your H and my H is more like you. Although I've never had the power turned off. I did learn this from your posts: I will not be going into business with H anytime soon!! Maybe he could start making daily lists? When I actually do this it does help, I just don't stick with it.
Author a4a Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 Its really about what it is you are willing to put up with and not put up with. If you're done reading and doing all the work for him, I don't blame you one bit, you shouldn't have to do all the work. That book helped me to see what it was I needed to do and how I may have very well been enabling his behavior. I didn't say I caused it, becasue I didn't, but I did enable it, to a point, with how I reacted to his behavior. I never knew that though, because I was caught up in "Why in the hell was he like this." I didn't know you already had a PA book , but thought I would offer the one I read because it was a book I recently got. And for him to say he is not conciously PA, he could be to a point, but in the book I have, it clearly states most people who are PA are fully aware of what they are doing to you. If you are pissed off, hurt etc, its fine with them, as long as its not them. It even talked about how sometimes they will purposly set up situations just for you to get pissed off at makes them feel better. Its very diffcult behavior to live with. I sometimes am not sure why or how I do either, so I can relate. Jade well could be I have pretty good instincts when it comes to people and animals..... read them. I have a constant nagging feeling like he is "tricking" me..... cannot pin it down, don't know where it comes from, because he is the poster child for "good guys"...... nice, sweet, quiet, caring, smart, good looking,......... maybe he is satan. :lmao: :lmao: shrinky dink thinks he is a perfectionist..... so cannot follow through with the plan....... explain how he had to perfectly execute paying the elec. bill? :lmao: I have learned that when you starts his "lawyering".... nit picking words, loop holing and trying to change the focus of the topic..... I nail him with " stop shifting the focus, I will not play that game with you" Ask him a question and he will stare off like he is thinking..... I tell him "respond please"...... I can see how I have become almost immune to his PA ways..... but he finds a way somehow to get to me. I could care less why he is this way..... I no longer give a rip about his mommy and daddy issues......... I don't care if a fly bit him and made him this way..... I only care how his BS effects me....... I will not tolerate it. But he still sneaks it in now and again. he cycles...... great for a couple of weeks....then back at it... almost to "sucker" you in for another hit. I certainly cannot put in words all that he has pulled...... but I am indeed at war at this point with a couple of losers trying to shake down our money tree by ripping us off...... I think he likes to watch me struggle..... gets him off or something. He either does as he is told or he will be moving out. He is indeed getting the reaction he deserves from me..... enough is enough. And I will not fall for his "suckering me in" game either. I am in whipass mode. Have been but focusing on work mostly.... work is much more rewarding.
Author a4a Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 Its really about what it is you are willing to put up with and not put up with. If you're done reading and doing all the work for him, I don't blame you one bit, you shouldn't have to do all the work. That book helped me to see what it was I needed to do and how I may have very well been enabling his behavior. I didn't say I caused it, becasue I didn't, but I did enable it, to a point, with how I reacted to his behavior. I never knew that though, because I was caught up in "Why in the hell was he like this." I didn't know you already had a PA book , but thought I would offer the one I read because it was a book I recently got. And for him to say he is not conciously PA, he could be to a point, but in the book I have, it clearly states most people who are PA are fully aware of what they are doing to you. If you are pissed off, hurt etc, its fine with them, as long as its not them. It even talked about how sometimes they will purposly set up situations just for you to get pissed off at makes them feel better. Its very diffcult behavior to live with. I sometimes am not sure why or how I do either, so I can relate. Jade Jade thanks...... I was not trying to poop on your advice at all.... sorry if it came off that way...............but I have reached the point where chat, shrinky dinks, books, and a fork to the head is just not worth it to me. dumbass is losing out on one hell of a person ........he has no clue what he has with me. His loss.
Author a4a Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 :lmao: the elec. bill has been paid...... logged on and he paid it..... guess over the phone? I guess he did not want me to burn the house down well gosh I guess I have to put a gold star on his chart now. why does it take it to the point where I have to go ballistic to get him to do anything? I did remind him that the utilities were all coming due again (same time monthly)..........like a period and it takes me to scream at him to get action... this cannot be about him getting back at me. I reminded him nicely..... no big deal..... a couple of times "hey the phone and dsl bill is due, got an email today on it"....... DTV is due got a email on it..... It makes no sense that he is trying to get back at me does it??? PA over utility bills???
JadeStar Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 Jade thanks...... I was not trying to poop on your advice at all.... sorry if it came off that way...............but I have reached the point where chat, shrinky dinks, books, and a fork to the head is just not worth it to me. dumbass is losing out on one hell of a person ........he has no clue what he has with me. His loss. Its ok a4a, I didn't even think that. I'm just saying I can totally relate to how you feel about things. Its draining. One more point I wanted to throw in was, I read too, that, not ALL, but alot of the times a person who is really PA, will NOT be the one to leave a relationship either. I'm not saying some don't, because they do, but most do not. The reason is many, but one is, it would just assume kill them to end something and be looked at as the bad guy. They would rather the other person end it, becasue it takes the guilty burden off of them. They wont no, and never will want any responsibilty or blame for anything (unless something major changes within them) as long as another person will do it, take the blame etc, it frees them from guilt. Then if the other person wants to seperate or divorce..the PA person will go into sulk mode, out comes the 8th dwarf, who I call Mopey, and he will ever so wonder why the love of his life wanted to end things. The thing is, he knows exactly why things were ended, as long as he is not the one to do it.
Trialbyfire Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 Lord, I hear your frustration, loud and clear. Step back from the utensil drawer and breathe deeply. I had the image of a steel hedgehog. Do you have the option of paying bills through your credit card or some form of automatic debit from your Bank account? I'm mentioning this because if some of the little frustrations can be removed, maybe the two of you can work on the things that matter. While it may sound attractive, drop kicking is considered spousal abuse.
JadeStar Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 shrinky dink thinks he is a perfectionist..... so cannot follow through with the plan....... explain how he had to perfectly execute paying the elec. bill? I disagree with the shrinky dink...its called procrastination. I can see how I have become almost immune to his PA ways..... but he finds a way somehow to get to me. Yep. They are good at reeling that fish back in. I think he likes to watch me struggle..... gets him off or something. Yes, kind of like as long as you are stuggling and I'm not, all is well in MY little world. Its almost cruel really. I am in whipass mode. Have been but focusing on work mostly.... work is much more rewarding. Its always good to have something to keep us sane, even if its just for a bit.
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