Author PoshPrincess Posted April 11, 2007 Author Posted April 11, 2007 Brilliant post Tomcat - v well expressed. I completely agree with you. I know I've done 'wrong' and I'm not proud of myself. I feel we all have a right to air our experiences on here without being bashed. Of course, everyone has a right to their opinion too but no two situations are the same and quite rightly, we shouldn't be judged by other people's mistakes. I was the OW in exMM and his Ws life. I can be blamed for their problems but no one elses, the same goes for any other OP or MP on this site. I have to say I can take any insults thrown at me on this site however unjustified - as I said, everyone has a right to an opinion - but I hate to hear people judging my MM. He did what he did for his own reasons. Maybe he IS being a coward by staying with his W, or maybe he never loved me in the first place, but he has at least made a choice and isn't stringing anyone along. I am sure plenty on here will say that I just don't want to hear the truth and I guess they could be right but only MM will ever really know!
frannie Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 I met my OW about eight months prior to my son going to college. I did not get emotionally involved with her until about six months after meeting her. So yes, I guess in some ways, she was an exit affair, as I allowed myself to "let her in" so to speak. Hello HAL... I just wanted to ask... and i know it's a 'what if?' question, but. What if you'd met that OW when your children were nowhere near ready to leave for college? Wasn't it, in your case, a fortuitous piece of timing? (my MM's children are 10 and 12 and he feels he can't leave because of those ages). Would you have walked away from that OW... was she just in the right place at the right time..? and so on.
WBAsmethwick Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 I'm staying for my kids. I can't leave them. It's that simple. Thats it. I can't face the idea or the reality of leaving them. Sorry if that sounds simple or short but thats it.
frannie Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 I'm staying for my kids. I can't leave them. It's that simple. Thats it. I can't face the idea or the reality of leaving them. Sorry if that sounds simple or short but thats it. Sounds fair enough to me, inconvenient for me, but fair enough
HappyAtLast Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 however, had I met my wife (OW) whilst my son was young I would have found a way to make it work. I absolutely could not live without her, and I would not disrespect her by asking her to remain an OW (nor would she disrespect herself, I suspect). I probably would have bought the house next door Hello HAL... I just wanted to ask... and i know it's a 'what if?' question, but. What if you'd met that OW when your children were nowhere near ready to leave for college? Wasn't it, in your case, a fortuitous piece of timing? (my MM's children are 10 and 12 and he feels he can't leave because of those ages). Would you have walked away from that OW... was she just in the right place at the right time..? and so on.
HappyAtLast Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 HappyAtLast, thank you for your posts! I had been emotionally out of my marriage for many years, so my divorce was not really a big issue for me. She was not allowed to contest (or the settlement would have gotten smaller, lol (stupid she was not)). I told my XW years prior that I would be divorcing her when my son was off to school. Financially, it was just a small blip on my radar. When I left, there was no child support involved and only a couple years of alimony (since she had had ample time to acquire different job skills and chose not to I was not going to provide much more than a couple of years of an adjustment period). I gladly gave her the house and a couple of cars. I am sure that it is not this way for everyone, but I think that is the way it happens when your marriage has been over for many years.
HappyAtLast Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 edit to my above post: bbThe reality of my situation however, is that I never allowed myself to do anything even resembling getting involved with someone else all those years. So, had I met my OW early on, I really think I would not have allowed myself to get to know her in the least, thus avoiding the entire situation. Once I knew her, I could not be without her.
HappyAtLast Posted April 12, 2007 Posted April 12, 2007 Thank you for your kind words. The sentiments of some on this board do not bother me. I do understand where they are coming from, however I have done far more good in my life than bad. I don't define myself as a cheater (although I am sure some do). First and foremost, I am a husband and my wife's best friend. I am also a father, a grandfather, fellow volunteer and until recently a staff member at work. I have made my peace with my God. My wife and I have lived a blessed life. If it all ends tomorrow (at my age, it could ) I would have no regrets. Are there things I may have done differently? Certainly. But who amongst us can really say there are not?
daniella Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I have made my peace with my God. My wife and I have lived a blessed life. If it all ends tomorrow (at my age, it could ) I would have no regrets. Your marriage really makes many people envy ! If you don't mind I ask - and I know it is hard to answer - what exactly makes you love your W so much ? Because your personalities are very alike? Same hobbies? Same moral standards? She's very caring? I guess I want to know what in a wife is most important to a man. I know people are different, but men and women have really different ways to see their spouses and marriages. Thanks.....
Author PoshPrincess Posted April 13, 2007 Author Posted April 13, 2007 I'm staying for my kids. I can't leave them. It's that simple. Thats it. I can't face the idea or the reality of leaving them. Sorry if that sounds simple or short but thats it. No need for apologies. It's good to hear that it CAN be that simple. I know my exMM felt the same although sometimes I read comments on here that make me doubt that. Y'know "if he really loved you, he would be with you no matter what" etc. I admire you, him and others who do what you're doing for sacrificing your own happiness for the sake of your childrens'. That's not to say I have any disrespect for those who leave either (as I did myself - although with my son). You do what you have to do. PS WBA, I don't know your story. Are/were you in love with someone else? I shall try and get some time to read your past posts.
HappyAtLast Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 We have fun. She makes me laugh. She can be serious or silly. She is a brilliant surgeon. She is my best friend. She does not hesitate to tell me if I am acting unreasonably. She has never in all these years, ever let me down. We like to do the same things (putter in the garden, we are very much home-bodies whenever posible). She makes me want to be the best man possible. When the song "She and I" came out (by Alabama) my son sent it to us. Shall I go on??? Your marriage really makes many people envy ! If you don't mind I ask - and I know it is hard to answer - what exactly makes you love your W so much ? Because your personalities are very alike? Same hobbies? Same moral standards? She's very caring? I guess I want to know what in a wife is most important to a man. I know people are different, but men and women have really different ways to see their spouses and marriages. Thanks.....
Cliche Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Oh HAL, I read your posts and start crying. My mm told me all the same things about me and our relationship, but yet he still hasn't left his wife. Why couldn't he truly feel those things about me? Or if he did, why couldn't those feelings be combined with the spine to do something? Your wife is a lucky woman.
Babybird Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Oh HAL, I read your posts and start crying. My mm told me all the same things about me and our relationship, but yet he still hasn't left his wife. Why couldn't he truly feel those things about me? Or if he did, why couldn't those feelings be combined with the spine to do something? Your wife is a lucky woman. Hals post make me envious too. I agree that she is a lucky woman. But judging from the way his posts sound I'm sure he would tell you he is a lucky man. Hal: I couldn't help but think as I read your last post, about what makes you love your W so much, that you are very much a bright light in our gloomy world of A's. Your words actually give hope to the OP that it really can happen.
JustBecause Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 My mm will stay with me, so he says, cause I'm his heart & soul. To believe him or not. That's the question.
HappyAtLast Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 what really matters are his actions. Talk is cheap. What do his actions tell you? My mm will stay with me, so he says, cause I'm his heart & soul. To believe him or not. That's the question.
HappyAtLast Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I am sorry that you are in pain, Cliche. How long have you been in your relationship? Oh HAL, I read your posts and start crying. My mm told me all the same things about me and our relationship, but yet he still hasn't left his wife. Why couldn't he truly feel those things about me? Or if he did, why couldn't those feelings be combined with the spine to do something? Your wife is a lucky woman.
greengoddess Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 My mm will stay with me, so he says, cause I'm his heart & soul. To believe him or not. That's the question. put him to the test.Tell him you won't share a man. You or her. Very easy. What is he waiting for and why would you accept less?
HappyAtLast Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 Generally, yes I would say I am the lucky one. LOL, today, she is. I just spent SIX HOURS planting flowers so that she can see them from her office window. THEN, one of the little parrots she convinced me to take care of pooped on my desk. GRRRR Hals post make me envious too. I agree that she is a lucky woman. But judging from the way his posts sound I'm sure he would tell you he is a lucky man.
Cliche Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 I am sorry that you are in pain, Cliche. How long have you been in your relationship? Thanks, HAL. The relationship was 10 months. It ended yesterday and I guess that is why I'm in so much pain. It's still really raw. I'll get over it, though. Hell, I made it through wonderfully after a 10 year bad marriage ended, a 10 month relationship ending should be a piece of cake. It's just, he said those things to me so many times...told me how lucky he was, that he'd do anything for me. But, well, he wouldn't. He wouldn't do anything but give me 10 months of excuses, lies and broken promises. He wouldn't leave her and move into a future with me. And I am worth it. He was lucky. I honestly thought he saw that.
HappyAtLast Posted April 13, 2007 Posted April 13, 2007 But you deserve a man who puts your first, above everything else. Who will move heaven and earth if he needs to, just to be with you. You will find it.
puddleofmud Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 So sorry, Cliche...and I hope you are doing as well as you may under the circumstances. We all understand and we all are so sad for your loss. Whether married or not: if you have found that this is not the right person for you for the long-term than you've done the right thing for YOU and this is what matters most. It is always so sad to hear of a break up no matter the circumstances because no one wishes another such pain. Sweet Blessings to you and stay strong. Thanks, HAL. The relationship was 10 months. It ended yesterday and I guess that is why I'm in so much pain. It's still really raw. I'll get over it, though. Hell, I made it through wonderfully after a 10 year bad marriage ended, a 10 month relationship ending should be a piece of cake. It's just, he said those things to me so many times...told me how lucky he was, that he'd do anything for me. But, well, he wouldn't. He wouldn't do anything but give me 10 months of excuses, lies and broken promises. He wouldn't leave her and move into a future with me. And I am worth it. He was lucky. I honestly thought he saw that.
daniella Posted April 14, 2007 Posted April 14, 2007 Thank you HappyAtLast! I'm sure she can also give a lot of reasons why she loves you! Judging from your posts, you are a special guy that deserves true love. By the way what's the age difference between the two of you?
Author PoshPrincess Posted April 18, 2007 Author Posted April 18, 2007 Oh HAL, I read your posts and start crying. My mm told me all the same things about me and our relationship, but yet he still hasn't left his wife. Why couldn't he truly feel those things about me? Or if he did, why couldn't those feelings be combined with the spine to do something? Your wife is a lucky woman. DITTO all of this! Cliche, I am so sorry for you that your R has ended. I went through exactly the same. I know my exMM STILL has feelings for me as I friend of mine had a drink with him last week, but he cannot (or won't) leave. I am finding it very hard to move on when I know he feels this way. Sometimes wish he would tell me it was a big mistake, he never loved me, etc and then perhaps it would be easier...... Lots of luck. Thinking of you.
frannie Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 however, had I met my wife (OW) whilst my son was young I would have found a way to make it work. I absolutely could not live without her, and I would not disrespect her by asking her to remain an OW (nor would she disrespect herself, I suspect). I probably would have bought the house next door And just been friends..? til when..? How would you have made it work.. then again, of course it's a 'what if' and really cannot be answered.
frannie Posted April 21, 2007 Posted April 21, 2007 edit to my above post: bbThe reality of my situation however, is that I never allowed myself to do anything even resembling getting involved with someone else all those years. So, had I met my OW early on, I really think I would not have allowed myself to get to know her in the least, thus avoiding the entire situation. Once I knew her, I could not be without her. Oh, I know what you are saying. That while you wanted to make your marriage work for the children, you just weren't looking. That is where MM went... he didn't know that love would happen from his meeting with me... and when it did... it was, to be honest, quite inconvenient... and yet.. its there and what do you do with it when you found it... IF you had felt what you felt for your future wife... what would you have done..? But its only a question... and its about people falling in love... it does happen, while many comments on these boards are about manipulation, rather than love.
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