BigSmiles Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 Hey guys, I'm new to the forum so thought I'd start by saying a hello to you all Bit of a long winded one this (so try bear with me) though probably a fairly simple answer for a lot of you. I'm 25 years old, the ex is 26. Was with a girl for borderline 3 years. We used to live in separate towns at the time, about 80 miles from each other. I'd drive up usually once or twice a week and sometimes at the weekend, was the best memories back then. We moved in together at her place some 6 months later, where we had 2 years of relative harmony. Never really argued, just had fun with each other company, the best times.... you get the jist. After 2 years or so, I guess we were what most would consider a very stable relationship (or so I thought), I work as an IT Engineer so often found myself at computers, whilst at the time she worked in retail. We'd always have the evenings to ourselves, even though I'd spend a lot of time on the computer (I know I'm terrible for it, i know my weaknesses now though) Our friendship groups would often joke about "when you going to marry the girl etc" Some of our close friends had a kid and loved her dearly and would ask sometimes if we would ever have kids and stuff, I guess all that commitment scared me. Even the ex would sometimes suggest at times about it, she was broody and I got frightened by it all. Instead of talking about it I bottle things up. The relationship ended fairly abruptly close to the 3 year mark. I ended the relationship, at the time there wasn't really anything huge which was causing me to want to split up. Deep down I was probably just afraid of commitment like a lot of us men are. I came back one day and said that the relationship was over, obviously a huge shock to the ex but I guess there was no other way of saying it at the time. Here is where I make myself thick at the thought of it all. Some months or two afterwards I met someone through work, we got on great and starting dating one another. The ex and I would still stay in touch at this point and just say Hi and whatnot, she was dating other people as was I. The new relationship I was in was extremely different from the previous one (hence the attraction I guess) in that we were very verbal, would argue if something annoyed us about each other etc. As a result the relationship would involve a lot of I hate you, thanks for nothing kinda breakups which soon would mend themselves back to dating stage within a few days. During this time however I still had immense feelings for my ex. In the summer of last year I split with the recent gf and decided to give things a try with my ex, things were going great... Happy times, good fun, except I got cold feet and left (the impression of me being totally undecisive I guess is coming across) Again soon after I got back with the recent gf and have been with her on and off for coming up to about a year now. Things are good in the relationship, however I miss my ex. Over a year on, I dwell on the past, all the mistakes I made, I miss her smile, the way we'd talk to each other about problems and participated in each others lives (which is not what I do in my present relationship as she's very independant). I know its not fair to continue a relationship with the present girlfriend even though I do care about her loads! And I shouldn't even pop onto msn and say ello to the ex which we do occasionally to catch up. She's settling now and has a bf of about 6 months or so, but we still talk loads about how much we miss each other. The question being, I messed up, and had a chance and blew that one as well (smooth man...) I know anyone out there would say, you obviously split for a reason, move on man, forget about her etc. But I've tried so much and I just can't. I just miss all the little things about her which made me fall in love with her the first time round. Am I crazy? I'm so confused. Are there people out there I should speak to about such things? Lost Internetter... BigSmiles << Usually.
rckt365 Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 I feel for you man, my most recent ex and I got along great, we dated for 6 months (knew each other for a year) but 3 months ago she broke it off with me cuz she couldn't stand being apart (4hour flight), and neither of us could move at the time (I still couldn't if I wanted to), apparently in less than 12 months she'll be able to, but who knows? We keep in contact with each other, both of us have been dated others since (neither of us wanting to talk about others in our lives with the other)... I can't stop thinking about her, it's pretty much 24/7 even though I'm very busy with the rest of my life (and although she doesn't admit it) she says things that indicate that she's thinking about me constantly too. So maybe what I'm about to say is biased due to my wish of getting back with my ex, but; I think MOST people these days ignore, such long-lasting powerful feelings for someone (which is rare in my opinion) and instead succumb to the 'instant-everything' or 'divorce mentality' where we've fooled ourselves into thinking it's somehow 'better' to 'just move on' instead of working and working and working (if we have to) at making something we already have work. Working on the issues with ourself is the first step, then if and when that is accomplished, I see no harm whatsoever in trying and trying again with an ex, until you do get it right. It's a cop-out to say "you broke-up for a reason" because that's what a quitter says, I don't give up on other things in my life - so why should I become a quitter now? Have we all have become quitters? If we love a sport, and although maybe (at first) we are not the greatest that's ever lived at it, but for the most part are quite good at it, and so try to become a professional at it yet fail a few times - does that then mean that we should quit trying ????
jude007 Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 Ah sounds like a similar thing to what I went through. I ended it on the wrong note - but break ups are never easy...... I think that whats has happened to you, has made you realise that you still miss her, all you can do is stay in touch, and hope that you can get back together. I would suggest just allowing for things to happen, and treat her with the respect, and love she is looking for, they say that people can forget what you did for them, what you say to them, but they can never forget how you made them feel...... So hang in there, and dont do anything silly, time will tell, as Im sure that it will tell you this is for now, or not.........
Author BigSmiles Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 Thanks for the replies so far, its nice to know that their are people out there whom have been through similar things. I guess its all just rather gutting. I on one hand have not said to my current gf the fact that I stay in touch with the ex, not because Im deceptive as such, but rather.. I know she'd totally flip (understandable as well) and perhaps with all of this mixed emotions and stuff, I'm doing wrong by remaining in any sort of relationship. My ex has said her current partner knows that she chats to me, and whilst not happy, isnt stopping her from doing so (sounds like a nice guy). I also dont want to go fogging anyone elses head when mine is so clearly confused at present. I agree that people dont work on things when it comes to relationships, and these days people are much quicker to just move on to maybe bigger and better things. But perhaps I'm beginning to realise that life isn't like that. And Jude, that line about them never forgetting how you make them feel, I can see that. The day I left was the worst day of my life, I didnt want to leave and yet i left, the most influential person in my life so far. I dont get me!! Perhaps talking to a counselor is a good idea? Anyone had any good / bad experiences with them? or do you suggest figuring it out for yourself.
EC Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 awe..Im reaching the 3 year mark with my bf and it's a little scary. We have broken up a couple of time because of me. The same thing you mentioned..leaving for the possibility of bigger and better things..thinking its too soon to have found the one..and then I leave and realize life is not about that and come back. I have left twice but this time I know what I have and I dont ever want to leave again. What scares me is I sometimes wonder if those same thoughts will run through his head when he finally graduates college and moves up inlife with a career and meeting new people and traveling. I shudder at the thought that he would second guess me. I would just ask myself are you truly happy with your current gf? There were obviously reasons why you left your ex though..twice..
Author BigSmiles Posted April 5, 2007 Author Posted April 5, 2007 Thanks for the reply EC, I dont think I left with the intention that I was going to find bigger and better things... I think the last few months of the relationship (3 maybe) had been a bit rocky, I'd spent a lot of time on the computer shying away from the real issues which may have been at hand, and as a result perhaps we didnt talk when we should have. I guess with reference to the current gf, I've answered a lot of the questions myself by just writing this forum post.... In regards to leaving the ex 2x though, I'm still just as confused.
Zapbasket Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 The day I left was the worst day of my life, I didnt want to leave and yet i left, the most influential person in my life so far. I dont get me!! Perhaps talking to a counselor is a good idea? Anyone had any good / bad experiences with them? or do you suggest figuring it out for yourself. I'm asking, it seems, the one question you can't answer...but my partner of 5 years left me abruptly and though now I feel I must be crazy to think this, a nagging part of me is SURE he still loved me very much and didn't really want to leave, just didn't know what else to do. He, like you, tended to bottle up his feelings; as he said, "I have to figure it all out in my mind before I can talk about it." Which of course meant he never talked about it, because rarely can one figure it out in the isolation of his or her own mind. So here's my question: if you knew you wanted to be with her, why did you leave? Why DIDN'T you communicate your doubts to her? I know you don't have ready answers to these questions, but what comes to mind? Re: counseling, I definitely would recommend considering it. It's no panacea, but it does help you sort out complicated feelings in a way you just can't do in the solitude of your own mind. Good luck.
Author BigSmiles Posted April 5, 2007 Author Posted April 5, 2007 When you say he left you after 5 years, how long ago was that? Have you stayed in touch? Are you getting back together? Or have you both maintained NC? I'm pretty stubborn, I'd say 4 years ago I wasn't as bad as this. But over the past year or more I've become increasingly bad. I hate people telling me what I should and or shouldnt do, yet it only seems to bother me with people that I am very close to? If i had a conversation with a stranger about such issues and they gave their honest opinion... I'd take it more onboard at times. My ex maintains that until I let someone in I'll never be happy. And perhaps she has a point. The point being I wish she could have been the one to do that. And to this day I still kick myself all the time about how things are turning out Perhaps I'll give a counselor a call and see what they can suggest. Any counselor or a specific type like relationship counselor or something?
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