corazoncito Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 I have been lurking a bit on this forum and have to say it is one of the best I have come across. You all seem to give be able to balance giving candid honesty, compassion, and constructive advice. I thought I’d see what advice you might have to say about my situation. I am not sure I can sum everything up very well, but here are some of the things that are worrying me most: Some background: I am 32 and my BF is 37. We've both had long-term, live-in relationships before but have never been married. We are from different countries/cultures and have been in a LDR for about a year and half. We love each other a lot and decided to both relocate so that we could be in the same place and try to make our relationship work (neither one of us is in our native country now, but this actually works well for both of us career wise). Neither of us speaks the other’s native language very well, so we communicate in the language of where we are living (Yeah, even though we’re both fluent, it’s not the same. Sometime it would be nice to just be able to talk without thinking about how to say it.). We have been living together for one month and it has been a bit rocky, with too much drama. Despite this, we both have been clear with each other that despite the stress we truly love one another and want more than anything for this relationship to succeed. I would like advice on what I can do stop the drama, because I feel like a lot of the blame lies with me. Although we fight about lots of random things, I think it all come down to the basic problems of insecurity on my part, and a shared lack of communication skills. We have different personality types so what is a major problem to one of us, the other is clueless about. I am very shy and can feel awkward in many social settings. My BF is outgoing, kind, and easy to talk to. I tend to complain about every little thing as soon as it happens. When I’m in the moment I only see things from my perspective. BF, on the other hand, keeps things bottled up until he can’t keep it inside anymore. He is usually a very patient, easy going person, but sometimes strives too hard to avoid conflict. I gather he had a rather rough childhood with an alcoholic parent who had an unpredictable temper and could be verbally and physically abusive. So I assume this has a lot to do with his desire to not deal with conflict or negative situations. And of course, my constant blowing up at him over every stupid thing that happens that I don’t like doesn’t help build his trust in my ability to address our problems with him constructively and calmly. I have been stressed with the moving in together, not just for the typical new cohabitation issues, but also because it involved such major life changes for me. He did relocate countries, but he has the same job he did before. And his job has always involved travel to where we are currently living to spend several months at a time. In other words, he normally spends several months out of the year here, it’s just now he’s here full-time. I, on the other hand, am a grad student finishing up a doctorate (I don't need to physically be at my university at this point to finish). So I am new to living here year-round (although I love it here). I also can’t apply for jobs here until I actually have officially been awarded my degree (which is taking forever). It’s frustrating because I’ve done my part in terms of writing up my dissertation and just have to wait and be patient while I wait for reactions from my committee. I also have made contacts and lined up some promising job opportunities, but can’t pursue them further till I have my degree. BF is the sole breadwinner and I’m not used to being a homemaker, which is sort of what I’m doing while I’m in limbo (before I was always overloaded with projects and jobs and, ironically, thought having no job responsibilities for a little while would be kind of fun. Be careful what you wish for…). I also don’t know a lot of people where we are living yet and it can be a little lonely coping with all of this change. An example of the kind of problems we’ve been having: BF has a lot of friends here and has introduced me to many of them, but my problem is that I am very shy and get overwhelmed when meeting really big groups of people who I don’t know but who all know each other very well. My BF is very outgoing and makes friends easily and sometimes he has a hard time understanding that I am not like that. He just assumes I will feel as at ease as he does and can manage all the getting-to-know-them on my own. I would actually appreciate it if he would make more of an effort to make introductions beyond simply our names. And maybe help steer me into the conversations they’re having initially. I don’t know, maybe I’m really socially inept and no one else needs this kind of help. But we’ve have some fights because he felt like I was snubbing his friends and I felt like he was just abandoning me as soon as we get to the party, bar, etc. The thing is, there are constructive, mature ways for us to work through this. But I just tend to freak out and blow up at him, accusing him of being selfish and not caring about me. Later I calm down and realize that I am actually being really selfish and insecure to not allow him time to be with his friends and to expect him to be constantly checking up on me and always worrying about me. But by that point feelings have already been hurt for both of us and we’ve just taken 10 steps back in our trust building. I want that to stop and I know I have at least equal responsibility in making that happen. The last time we had a disagreement he burst out in real despair at one point “Why can’t we just understand one another?”. I am asking myself the same question now, but hope to find some real solutions. He had to go away for three weeks for work and is in a remote location where there is little opportunity to email or call. We parted on a very positive note, but I miss him a lot. Despite this, I think this is a good opportunity for us both to have some space. I’d like to use this time to think about the problems we’ve been having and figure out ways I can make things easier with less stress and drama when he gets back. He’s only been gone a few days, but I’ve really realized all of the big and little things he has done to try and make this transition easier for me. And I’ve been pretty oblivious and not very appreciative I am ashamed to admit. I realize I have been expecting him to make me happy and he simply can’t do that. Only I can. But he has done everything he can that’s within his ability to make my life comfortable and to give me affection and emotional support. Of course he doesn’t do everything right, but no one does and I feel really ungrateful now when I think about how I didn’t appreciate how much he has been taking my happiness into consideration. Have any of you gone through this sort of dynamic? What worked for you to build trust and compassion? How did you learn to communicate in loving, respectful way?
Curmudgeon Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 What worked for you to build trust and compassion? How did you learn to communicate in loving, respectful way? Speaking for myself, trust is freely given until it's betrayed. Up until that poiint it's not an issue. As for compassion, people either have it or are capable of it or they don't and aren't. I'm not sure it can be taught. It's something that has to come from within. The key to any good relationship is open communication. We all have our own styles but we can change our approach to fit the person and the situation. Most of all you have to have conversations, not confrontations. Sometimes that takes practice. It will be loving and respectful if that's the way you really feel about one another. If you don't then it won't likely get you where you want to be.
Author corazoncito Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 Speaking for myself, trust is freely given until it's betrayed. Up until that poiint it's not an issue. As for compassion, people either have it or are capable of it or they don't and aren't. I'm not sure it can be taught. It's something that has to come from within. The key to any good relationship is open communication. We all have our own styles but we can change our approach to fit the person and the situation. Most of all you have to have conversations, not confrontations. Sometimes that takes practice. It will be loving and respectful if that's the way you really feel about one another. If you don't then it won't likely get you where you want to be. That makes sense. I guess I need to stop thinking and angsting over it and just BE more patient and respectful. I do think you're right that it may take some practice for us. But I do think we're moving in that direction. Just recently BF had the idea that from now on if things start to heat up one of us is allowed to call a "time out" (complete with the hand gesture). We've used it a couple of times and it totally worked. We ended up busting out laughing at how silly it was and ended up being able to discuss the topic calmly. Thanks for your advice. It is straightforward and I like that.
quankanne Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 it's a very positive sign that you are thinking about these things, and want to make change – counselling would help you get the tools you need to help better communicate with him, because from what you've described, you've got two very different styles of communication. personal experience? prolly the fact that my husband is older than me, and therefore more experienced with "real-world" things sometimes makes it hard for me to effectively communicate. And then there's the whole birth order thing – he's the second of three kids, and the other two are sisters; I'm the youngest of six (think Mexican brady bunch). They are close in age, the next youngest in my family is five years older, so in a way, I've had both the lifestyle of spoiled baby AND indulged only child, so that caused some friction in the early days of our marriage. But things worked out, we did a weekend marriage retreat that taught us how to effectively communicate. That's not to say I don't slip into brat mode or him the kinda bossy boy mode, but the difference is that we understand that those things are make-or-break issues of our marriage.
Author corazoncito Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 it's a very positive sign that you are thinking about these things, and want to make change – counselling would help you get the tools you need to help better communicate with him, because from what you've described, you've got two very different styles of communication. personal experience? prolly the fact that my husband is older than me, and therefore more experienced with "real-world" things sometimes makes it hard for me to effectively communicate. And then there's the whole birth order thing – he's the second of three kids, and the other two are sisters; I'm the youngest of six (think Mexican brady bunch). They are close in age, the next youngest in my family is five years older, so in a way, I've had both the lifestyle of spoiled baby AND indulged only child, so that caused some friction in the early days of our marriage. But things worked out, we did a weekend marriage retreat that taught us how to effectively communicate. That's not to say I don't slip into brat mode or him the kinda bossy boy mode, but the difference is that we understand that those things are make-or-break issues of our marriage. Thanks for your thoughts. I think you are right about a counselor being able to help us find ways to communicate better. I'd like to ask him about doing that when he gets back from his trip. I'm hoping he'll be open to the idea. I also can relate to being with someone more experienced. He's not so much older, but we work in the same field and he's got quite a bit of professional experience while I'm just starting out. The graduate school process where he is from is much shorter than mine, so when he was my age he had already been done for 5 years, while I am still waiting for my professors to get their act together and actually read my dissertation (sorry had to vent about that). It can be frustrating when he comes home excited about another new project he's been invited to participate in, when I would be happy just to have one. If I were still in the States I would just keep networking and get a part-time job to keep busy meanwhile. But here I can't legally work, so I have to be more creative about finding cheap/free ways to keep busy. BF actually told me that he was thinking that in addition to me being stressed and frustrated, I may have been unconsciously picking fights to try and force a break up so that I could go back to the States where I'd have more opportunities. I don't know if I buy that exactly. I think I'd be letting myself off too easy by claiming I was doing it unconsciously. But it is true that if this isn't going to work out, I'd rather know it sooner than later. So maybe there is something to his theory. And if he's been worried that I am about to bail out at any moment, I can understand how that would make him more irritable than usual. One negative that may actually be a positive is that there has been a chance of me having a really interesting job starting in August. The problem is that I have to have my PhD when I apply and the application is due soon. I can apply later, but the next slot wouldn't open until Feb 2008. So I've been really antsy about my committee making some headway on approving my thesis and it's been sort of 50/50 whether it was going to happen in time for August. Now it's clear that is simply not going to happen. That is really disappointing, but at the same time, now that the uncertainty is banished, I can start planning realistically and figure out a positive way to deal with the situation. Oh, and yeah, he's the older of two and I'm a spoiled only child whose parents left me to my own devices most of the time. So we're both used to getting our own way. I'll need to work on that...
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