Author joshfircand Posted April 30, 2007 Author Posted April 30, 2007 I'm posting here, in place of acting on the desire to get in touch with MM. I ended up spending the majority of a four hour drive home from a trip I had to make this weekend thinking back over my time with MM, which, granted, was a stupid thing to focus on. But I do miss him, even though his feelings for me weren't those I had for him. It's a lot like kicking an addictive habit. You can recognize that it's not good for you, and yet still crave it so completely. =P On the upside, other than, well, the entire drive home.....hadn't really thought of him much, this past week...
Ripples Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 It's people like you this board is designed to help as far as I'm concerned. Its incredibly disappointing when some people who are completely beyond help get a thread of support running into double figures and then some, when those like you are left with a pittance in comparison. Rant over, sorry Josh. Anyway, you're going great, you gotta focus on the negative stuff about MM. Don't just think about the good times, remember when he wasn't there for you, when he wouldn't give you want you needed and wanted. You know all this, but I sense that those wistful feelings can be pretty hard to handle and by thinking about all the ways he let you down is going to make it easier to recognise you're doing the right thing. The only way to be healthy and have a healthy relationship is to keep this one in perspective. Oh, and well done Edit: You may find this guy's work interesting. http://www.dream-toran.com/
4whatItsWorth Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Josh, you did the right thing! Hopefully you will one day soon find a man who will be willing to move mountains to be with you, instead of just making empty promises. you deserve a love to call your own!
AFarAwayPlace Posted April 30, 2007 Posted April 30, 2007 Congrats on being so strong Josh! Keep posting here when you get an urge to contact him, that's what I do.
Author joshfircand Posted May 1, 2007 Author Posted May 1, 2007 Rant over, sorry Josh. Edit: You may find this guy's work interesting. http://www.dream-toran.com/ No worries about the Rant, Ripples. It's kind of you to offer as much attention to my thread as you have. *smile* I haven't had a chance to check out that link yet, but will soon. I'd also like to extend my thanks to 4WhatItsWorth and AFarAwayPlace, for their posts as well. Thank you. =) It does help. -------------------------------------------------------------------- In other news, tomorrow will mark one month of NC. Other than the one email, MM's made no effort to get in touch with me. Not even an 'I miss you', just a 'Here's how my surgery went' and an 'I'm glad you feel you got something good out of our time together' -- I had tried to end on a remotely positive note, in my final sending to him. Guess I succeeded, since he's not feeling any obvious amounts of guilt about leaving me cut out of his life. It's funny. During the best portion of the time I was with him, before the deterioration towards the end, I felt the greatest sense of connection to another human being that I've ever had, and this despite two different INTENSE three year relationships prior to things with MM. It was in a sense life-changing to have known him, both in the interpersonal and biblical senses. And to look back on it now, given his evident lack of depth of feeling for me, I just have to wonder how deluded I was to have felt that way about it all. How can I say that that was this deep and meaningful connection between us? How could I have misread him so badly? Then there's the tendency to measure myself, as a person, against his wife. Yes I knew her. I don't mean to be an ass when I say this, but there's an amazing sense of 'How could I lose to her?', as well as a sense of 'What is he thinking? I'd be so much better for him!'. Again, some nicely deluded thinking. Oh yeah. Finally, there's the desire to out MM to his wife--to tell her everything that had gone on, and just blow everything to hell. Where does that come from? Sure, I wouldn't object to KNOWING MM is feeling some quantity of the emotional pain he put me through. I am human. I feel pain over his loss, over his failure to reciprocate the entirity of my feelings. But where does 'I want a romantic relationship with you because I really like you' turn into 'I want to ruin your life if I can't have a romantic relationship with you'? Really, if he wrote me tomorrow and said he was leaving her and wanted to see me, I'd probably do a stupidly happy dance, for HOURS, so it's not as though I hate him. And seeing as I -did- know his wife, I know for absolute certain that any revelations would equal his being kicked to the curb and thereafter never speaking to me again (not that we're speaking now). The fact that this desire occasionally tries to masquerade itself as 'Oh, it's for HER benefit. She DESERVES to know and end the relationship' is TOTAL B.S. and yet another sign of, yes, deluding myself, especially with the rider thought of 'Without her in the picture, surely I'd win his feelings'. In conclusion, gentle readers, this is the lesson to be learned. Having an Affair = Being MASSIVELY Delusional. (At least in my case. I mean really. Wow.) Hopefully with a few more months of detox I'll have the opportunity to regain some clearer thinking =P ... It upsets me that I miss him so strongly, still, whenever I end up actually thinking about him.
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