joemax Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 So, I've been with my girlfriend for two months now. So far, so good. One thing I ask from everyone I know, and especially my girlfriend, is honesty. I made it clear to her that I can't stand lying. We were honest together since day one...or so I thought. Here's the story: She was on a trip to Europe last summer, and there she said she made out with a guy one night. I didn't like the fact that she made out with a guy she's only known for a day or two but I let it go, everyone makes mistakes right? But yesterday night, I was sitting on my computer, going through my history and I see that there's an email she opened from her best friend sent during the time she was in europe, and one line really threw me off: "It doesn't matter that you made out with the guy...or the guy's best friends" Hold up a second...BEST FRIENDS? Am I missing something? She said she made out with the one guy, but now we're in plural form? It's not the fact that she got a bit crazy that's pissing me off, it's the fact that she's lied. And now, I don't know what to do. I want to confront her about it but I worry she's gona throw the "You were looking at my emails" card at me. Am I overexagerating? Please, any help will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Trialbyfire Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 As a thought, it might simply be a way to emphasize something and have no real meaning. It depends on how it was used. Ask her about it gently, not in a confrontational manner, as part of normal course conversation. Keep in mind that this happened before you were together so it's not really information you're entitled to.
Author joemax Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 I'm entitled to honesty, and in the process of not telling me the truth completely, she lied to me. And that, I can't take. I'm just really torn up right now, I want it to work. I like her a lot, but I just don't know what to do.
Art_Critic Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 I'm confused.. You are upset becuase she covered up that she kissed someone before you were together ? I can understand the idea behind complete honesty.. but... You were asking her something you had no right to know and you were not together at the time.. You seem like a pretty reactive person. Might I suggest that you consider the context before you hold her to a 100% accountability for honesty.. Nobody is 100% honest.. including you... It wasn't like she was sleeping with someone behind your back and cheating on you.. She does have a right to a private life. I'm not saying that lying is okay.. I'm just saying to consider the context and how your relationship was at the time before you jump off on her and break up when really more understanding of why she lied is what is needed. Have you thought about calmly asking her about it ?
Art_Critic Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 I want to confront her about it but I worry she's gona throw the "You were looking at my emails" card at me. Confront is what you do to someone cheating on you.. you want to say discuss with her.. not confront. You showed dishonesty in reading her emails.. How can you expect more from her than you do from yourself in the relationship? And yes.. opening up and reading someones email is dishonest...and if you don't tell her that you read them you are lying by ommision.. is that okay ?
Author joemax Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 Yes, I admit looking through her email was wrong. But then again, it's not like I went looking for it. That page was already open on my PC. I will discuss it with her as soon as I can, face to face. But then again, if let's say she made out with 4 or 5 guys, that's just not right. It's completely slutty behavior and I wouldn't be ok with that.
Art_Critic Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 How many girls have you made out with ? Making out with 4-5 guys isn't really slutty behavior unless it was all at the same time or one after another in the same night....even then the term slutty is going to far.. You are young.. The older you get one of the things you learn is that having unrealistic expectations of people you are in a relationship with is a death sentence for that relationship. You need to refine your opinion of her.. as it sits right now you are thinking in such a manner that would lend itself to a unhealthy discussion with her. You cannot call her a slut..if you do you are disrespecting her and disrespecting women in general. Just try and think a little more open about your expectations of her when you discuss this with her.. don't ask her to meet standards that you yourself are not capable of meeting.
Author joemax Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 I'm not calling her a slut, but if she did indeed make out with 3-4 guys all in the same night then that's really not acceptable behavior. To answer your question, I've made out with 3 girls, all of whom I was dating. And she is well aware of that. But hey, if she had told me the truth from the off, then I wouldn't be pissed off right now. But we'll see what happens. I greatly appreciate your replies though.
Ripples Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 Joe, you haven't made any remark on AC's comment about the fact you weren't together when this happened and therefore it's really none of your business, anyway. I'm also a little surprised that an email sent to your GF from nearly a year ago was open, never mind open on your PC.
JackJack Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 If you can't let go of things from her past, you sure wont be able to deal with things that happens now and in the future. Resentment is a ugly thing.
Author joemax Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 The folder the email was in was completely open. And I do understand that this happened in the past, but if it is in her nature to make out with 3-4 guys all in the same night, how prone is she to repeat that?
MotherGooze Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 The folder the email was in was completely open. And I do understand that this happened in the past, but if it is in her nature to make out with 3-4 guys all in the same night, how prone is she to repeat that? So what if she did; it doesn,'t say anywhere about here cheating on someone. She was single back then, so she could do what she want. You should really talk to her about it. I think you are being a little bit too controlling. What has happened in the past happened in the past. You should look at who she is now. Why do you love her? Why did you fall in love with her?
Craig Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Joe you have irrational double standards. On the one hand you demand total honesty from people and on the other hand you have no problem reading someone else's email. You don't read someone else's email just because it is open on your computer. You do not violate another person's right to reasonable privacy just because the opportunity presents itself. Do you know for a fact that she made out with several guys or was the phrase "...or the guy's best friends" a figure of speech or something other than the truth? Would you stake your life on it? Now you have a real problem because you have lied to your gf by omission and violated her trust of you. You failed to tell her that you read her email after you sneaked a peek at her private correspondence. What even worse is that you didn't tell her that you are the kind of guy that would read her email without her permission. Whoops.
Author joemax Posted April 6, 2007 Author Posted April 6, 2007 The email was already open, I didn't go looking for it. Besides, my eyes fell right on that line. And I closed it right after, I could have continued looking through her email but instead I chose to close it and erased all my history so it wouldn't stay on my computer. But anyway, we talked about it. And she said it was a miscommunication problem. She swore that she has never lied to me and that it was just the one guy, and she looked like she was being sincere and honest. And a couple of hours after hanging out, we were cuddling on her bed and she told me "I think I'm falling in love with you". She said when she sees me, her heart beats really fast that she can barely breathe. When she's with me, she forgets about everything else and she's the happiest person in the world. When she's with me, she feels safe 'cause she knows I'll protect her. That was...let's say, quite special. I just hope she meant it. I told her I thought I'm falling for her too. I don't know If I am though. It's just that, when I'm not with her, I want to be. When she's sad, I'm ready to do anything to make her smile again. When I'm holding her, I feel so...safe. So...comfortable, I guess. I don't know if that's love though. But I said it. I thank you all for your responses. Really appreciate it.
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