Sheba Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Mustang Sally's thread about her husband's "disclosure" that their sex life did not compare to his experience with a previous lover got me thinking - how much information is too much? I think Mustang Sally's husband is a fool who may have ruined his marriage with his outrageous and immature disclosure, by the way. I would be hard pressed to stay with that man. I don't want information about my husband's historic sexual encounters. I was satisfied to share enough information for each of us to feel safe from STDs (ie - had been in a monogamous relationship for 12 years with no infidelity by other party) and to stop there. He, on the other hand, has told me little stories here and there that haunt my recollections. For me, I think almost any information is too much. I have learned that my husband had a vast multitude of relationships and I find it very intimidating. I have heard a few more specific stories, too. I wish I didn't know this stuff! What do you all want to know or want to tell? For those of you who disclose a lot - why?
Woggle Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 I have had many sexual flings and so has my wife but that is the past and does not matter right now. People need to get over the fact that their spouse has a history before they met you.
polywog Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 The past is the past. And yet.... The times I've told a lover about my past were done out of a need to brag about myself, or keep him at a distance. I was not aware of this when I did it, but in retrospect it was a very immature thing to do and not respectful at all. Selfish. My need to know about a lover's past was likewise motivated by negative reasons. Part is curiosity, but of course part was competitiveness. And some masochistic need to be jealous; jealousy is almost as strong and addictive as love! In a creepy way, of course.. In any case, if the past comes up naturally and in the right context, it's fine... but generally, I tend to think it's throwing a wrench into things.
Author Sheba Posted April 3, 2007 Author Posted April 3, 2007 Woggle, I can get over that. I started my relationship with my husband when he was 47 years old! My point is that some people seem to want to share or to know this sort of information, whereas I don't want to share nor do I want to know. I realize that not everyone feels the same way I do - that is the reason for my question! I think there is some element of bragging, as polywog admits. Things seem less "in the past" if you bring them up in the "now".
Woggle Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Woggle, I can get over that. I started my relationship with my husband when he was 47 years old! My point is that some people seem to want to share or to know this sort of information, whereas I don't want to share nor do I want to know. I realize that not everyone feels the same way I do - that is the reason for my question! I think there is some element of bragging, as polywog admits. Things seem less "in the past" if you bring them up in the "now". To me it is as much a part of my life as anything else so I don't have an issue with sharing it and my wife seems to feel the same way. Out of all these partners I chose to marry her so that in and of itself is a pretty big boost to the ego.
StayClose Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 I think information about past lovers should be neither withheld nor put "in someone's face." My wife & I have shared stories about both her and my past lovers & flings in as much detail as was relevent to the conversation we were having. Neither of us really care to hear about how great the sex was that we had with someone else (but stoires about lousy sex are not so bad), but both know that that there are qualities besides great sex that are important to the success of a relationship. We've also had great sex, or at least we used to Also, I believe that if you shouldn't get married to someone if you don't have great sex with them. It's not the only important thing, but it's importance should not be understimated. If you're not happy with the sex you're having with someone you've been sleeping for one month, you'll never be happy and it will just get worse.
Author Sheba Posted April 3, 2007 Author Posted April 3, 2007 I also wonder if some people like to feel that their partner/spouse is very desirable to others and are thererfore happy to know they had a lot of lovers in the past. Stayclose - I agree with you that I would not "settle" for someone who did not fulfill me sexually.
a4a Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Interesting ......... I jokingly stated to the H "all the other guys like it this way"........ you should have seen his face!!! For a guy that won't make a peep about being jealous or upset when other men proposition me - I though he was going to go through the roof when I made that joke. Still don't get why in RL he doesn't have a jealous bone in his body but mention I may have sucked a dick or two in my previous life and he goes bug shat! :lmao:
Trialbyfire Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 I don't think you should disclose any specific details of past performances 'cause that's a kiss and tell scenario but stating you had many or few, should be part of a regular conversation when you're getting closer. Any kind of comparison discussion is bad mojo if it reflects poorly on the current mate.
Author Sheba Posted April 3, 2007 Author Posted April 3, 2007 My husband showed some curiousity about my past early in our relationship, but since I have such an aversion to sharing this sort of information I was sort of coy and told him that I had studied books and was simply very well read. He liked that answer - he thought it was funny. I don't know how he would take it if I was as specific with him as he has been with me. I suspect he wouldn't have any problem at all unless I committed the unpardonable sin of saying some other man was bigger or better. I can't imagine that ANYONE, no matter how open and honest, wants to hear an unfavourable comparison - even the guys who like to hear the wife has sucked a dick or two in the past.
Topper Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 I kind of like that well read virgin story. Might try that sometime " Honest Honey your the first, it was in the Karma Sutra!"
Author Sheba Posted April 3, 2007 Author Posted April 3, 2007 Topper - that joke was my way of letting him know I wasn't comfortable discussing my past without making him feel like I thought he was inappropriate for his curiousity. It has become one of the better long-standing jokes in our relationship (especially since I have two kids from a previous marriage). Another line that works is "I have just THOUGHT about sex ALOT". Same sort of gentle evasion, though not as funny.
StayClose Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 To clarify, I don't believe in sharing scorecard comparisons, but I don't believe in withholding anything that is relevent in a conversation you're having. And from our conversations we've had, I know that my penis is isn't the biggest she's ever seen (not the smallest either), and she knows that her boobs aren't the largest of all the women I've been with, and that she's definately not the thinnest women I've had either. But we both know that 1) none of those things necessarily make the person, or sex with that person, any better, 2) We've had fanstastic sex together, and 3) Though both of us have had great sex with previous partners (as well as lousy sex), there are very good reasons that we are with eath other and not with those other partners. Any couple that can't agree on all three points (although great sex with previous partners isn't a requirement), then there are insecurity or other issues.
PDPullmn612 Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 personally, the past is the past, and i have no intention of knowing what a girl has done in the past, unless it is something serious such as STD related. althought with my past lover, i had one itching question and that was to know if she had ever been in love, but other than that i wanted to hear nothing about what she has done with guys in the past. sometiems it would slip, and it would tick me off a lot! but oh well doesnt matter now cause like i said, the past is the past, and as of now, she is the past.
Mustang Sally Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 I would say there is (may be) an appropriate and/or inappropriate set of circumstances for everything. However, I find it hard to see how this kind of talk would be in any way constructive if: 1) your relationship is on the rocks already (unless you are trying to push it over the edge) 2) you are having less-than-satisfying sex currently with the partner you are discussing the past phenomenal sex with 3) you already know the current partner to have insecurities about the issue. 'nuff said.
whichwayisup Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 I have had many sexual flings and so has my wife but that is the past and does not matter right now. People need to get over the fact that their spouse has a history before they met you. Exactly. Everyone has a past, and to be honest, there's no need to go into "details" about it with your spouse/partner. Some may be able to handle it, great, but many others can't and they feel like they're being compared to, or can't be good enough. The past is part of who you are, in and out of bed. Accept it, deal with it and don't talk about it in great lengths of details.
Kwo-ne'-she Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 For the most part, it depends on each individual relationship. Some people prefer not to know any history, others want every detail. While I have "shared" a few details of a past lover with a current one, there are certain lines people simply should not cross... Breast/penis size is one thing. Comparing sexual performance is quite another. Especially when a past lover was better in bed than a current one. Why would anyone want to do that? It only causes them hurt feelings, and can damage the relationship.
luvtoto Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Yes, nothing good can come from sharing that kind of info. It's tacky and shows little character.
boshemia Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 I tend to be a very honest person about most things, but details of sexual histories is one area I have never felt comfortable discussing. No good can ever really come of it. Last night my husband asked me about my best ever sexual experience, and it just sort of slipped out... It wasn't even the sex itself, it was the feelings associated with this person that really bring him to my memory. I loved him deeply and he was never able to return the feelings... but the times we had together were good. No mater how many times I explain the feelings behind the action I know my husband will never really understand. I've always kept my mouth shut on the matter and I feel bad for letting it slip this time... I've always found it best when asked about sex to reply "You are the greatest ever" lol... it sounds dishonest I suppose, but not for a woman, where feelings are more important that the actual sex. Nope... it's a loaded topic, and one best kept to yourself most of the time. Just my opinion...
Topper Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 I Like That Sheba, I think about sex a lot. that's why my right hand is so strong. As I age I might have to change that to arthritic. I'm just glad you can't get arthritis in your penis. The smart reply to the best sex ever question is... Honey your the best I ever had.
Member2 Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 It's tacky and shows little character. I agree, I had a GF once that would compare the size of my manhood to other lovers she had.. we didn't last long before she got exiled
polywog Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 I agree, I had a GF once that would compare the size of my manhood to other lovers she had.. we didn't last long before she got exiled You mean Our Lady, the Virgin Mary?
Art_Critic Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 I had a GF once that would compare the size of my manhood to other lovers she had.. we didn't last long I have had the same.... She was a piece of work too.. I have never been so insulted and to have my size compared to others she had been with.. talk about low class
polywog Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 I have had the same.... She was a piece of work too.. I have never been so insulted and to have my size compared to others she had been with.. talk about low class Even after you folded it in half?
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