I'm falling apart....

[Guest]

I have been up for two nights straight and decided I am going to post my story in a number of places and hope some people have some ideas as I am dying inside right now. I am having some major marriage issues and this weekend everything came into full swing and I don't know what to do.

 

My wife and I have been married for 3 years (4 in June). I knew from the moment I met her that she would be someone special to me and she is by far my best friend. My problem is that I was a jerk for many years as I never thought I was good enough and thought she was going to cheat on me.

 

I never realized I was like this until last year when I made a big scene in public and we almost broke up. In the course of this, I found that she had been talking to another man to the tune of over $2,000 in cell phone charges.

 

Obviously I freaked as she was freaking about my flipping on her in public. But I knew I had it coming after really looking at how I had been. I know the other guy and I had my wife's story checked out (that they were only friends). I guess it would have been easier had they been more, but the guy is very happily married and I guess he just offered her an ear when she needed it.

 

In any event we decided we needed counseling so we started, however the counselor did not want to see us together, she wanted to see us each seperately.

 

I think everything went well and some major things got worked out and I was told I needed to make some serious changes and she was told she needed to make some changes. We both felt OK so we stopped going, never progressing to the point where we would see the counselor together. After about 3 months I kind of fell back into being a jerk here and there because I was not getting the support from my wife and I felt like I was working hard and she was not. I never reverted back to my old self, but I think I would have instances where my old self would pop out here and there.

 

Well we went along for about 6-7 months OK. Getting along sometimes, but other times not. We also very rarely make love. In paying my most recent cell phone bill I see she had been talking to this guy a little more again. They have spoken throughout, but not a ton. Now there were instances that she would call him before me and text him before me. So I called her on it and she said she felt awful and she was sorry.

 

Again, I checked it out and she never did anything sexual with this guy, and in fact I don't think he would. But, I told her it was wrong and she agreed and again she has been OK with it and was very sorry. She has been going to a counselor on her own and even that person told her this needed to stop.

 

But we had a big fight Sunday night and she said that she did not know if she wanted to try and make our marriage work because she does not feel the same way about me anymore, alot of which has to do with how I was years ago. But don't marriages have hills and valleys? I don't think every married person has the same feelings throughout every year of a marriage as they did when they first got together.

 

I cannot even write words on this page enough to say how much I love her and how she is by far my best friend. If anyone out there has any suggestions please let me know. I told her that we really never fixed our original problems because we gave up on couseling before we even did it (I think we went 3 or 4 times each), and even doing what we did garned us many months of happiness. I cannot see how anyone can know something is not going to work if they have never really given it a shot.

 

Yesterday morning I spoke with my wife and she said that she needs to make a decision and I need to back off. Basically she says that she never had to live or survive on her own and she has this fear that she could not make it on her own.

 

She says that she has this feeling that she needs to be independant on her own for once and that is the choice that she needs to make, weather she wants to try and make this work or try being independant. So, like I am stuck in limbo just waiting.

 

Last night my wife was all nice, brought me dinner and stuff. What should I do? She still says she does not know what she is going to do. When I told her our friends wanted to have dinner on Saturday she said that sounded good? How long am I supposed to just sit and wait for her to decide weather she wants to fix our marriage or leave.

 

I am dying on the inside right now. We have a dog that I love so much and she keeps taking her with her in the mornings because she thinks I am going to steal the dog. Does this mean she plans to do this? I honestly don't know how I will handle it if my wife leaves as I love her so much and she is my best friend, I really don't.

 

If she takes the dog too, than I think I may lose it and I am really scared. Should I just tell her to leave even though that kills me to even think about? Or if I do that than am I making her mind up for her? Or do you think she is being nice in order to butter me up for a huge let down? How long is enough time?

 

Oh yeah, one thing I neglected to mention is that my wife's best friend is a gay women who does not like men and does not like me for no particular reason other than I knew from the moment they met that she liked my wife more than a friend. My wife made it clear she was not interested and I am pretty confident that my wife is not gay.

 

But she takes advice from this girl, even though the girl definitely has ulterior motives. I confronted my wife about this and she swore that she knows she has ulterior motives and would never take advice from her.

 

If you have any ideas on what I should do, please let me know. Every day is just like a marathon that won't end. I called into work yesterday but cannot today as I don't have that many sick days. Today is going to take forever at work wondering what my house will be like when I come home,if my dog will be there, will my wife be there. I don't know anything anymore.

[polywog]

My heart aches for you. When reading your thread, I couldn't help wondering why you two quit MC. It takes a lot of onging work to make it through problems that are so entrenched. It's easy to fall back after a few good months because the basic problems haven't been uprooted and worked out.

 

As for your dog, I understand. I'm going through a break-up where a dog we love is involved, and we are planning to share him once I'm completely out. It's awful, though, I know.

 

It sounds like you two need to have a conversation, together, with a thrid party... a councellor. The passions seem to be running too high (inderstandably) for you to do this on your own. You need a "safe" place to air your concerns, hopes, and fears. This will give you a base to work from, on yourself and the marriage. It well help you to see the possibities of "where to go from here".

 

I hope you will keep posting here, LS is filled with compassion and support, so many of us have been where you are and tho you feel like you're dying, you can get through this.

 

Please take care, and keep posting.

[outofdarkness]

Hi and welcome!

 

I liked the way your post sounded....Oddly enough, it sounded encouraging to me. You have finally realized that you mistreated you W, and you are ready and willing to acknowledge and work on it...That is a HUGE step that some, in fact alot of MM never come to!

 

My H cheated on me for over 10 years, and when we started MC, our therapist insisted on seeing us separately for a long while before bringing us together. This is not uncommon, and is actually very helpful and more productive especially when there is an element like you discussed...ie, not treating your W well. They really want to see if each of you has your heart in it, whether or not the situation is threatening and one feels like he/she can't get out, etc...Once the therapist sees that you are both on the same page, she will most likely bring you together.

 

Please respect your W's right to be angry with you for the way you treated her, just as you had the right to be suspicious of her cheating. It might not be the way YOU would feel, but you each have the right to feel what you need to feel and the other needs to allow space to do this. In re reading your post, I see that you all stopped going. It has to be consistent, especially w/ the issues that you have...My H STILL goes to IC and does everything the couns. tells him to do, ie., reading assignments, etc...It's an ongoing process and one that doesn't just go away. You will need to diligent and consistent!!! Hang in there, and try not to get too impatient and feel too hopeless. There are also some great weekend marriage building seminars. I can't think of the one we went to off hand, but I'm certain you can find info online or thru your therapist. Attending things like this can take months, even years, off of therapy. I don't mean it's a quick fix, but they are very intense and accomplish much in a short time. My H and I went separately AND together. We each had our own issues to work on that really had nothing to do w/ the M...

[outofdarkness]

i've been worried about you...what happened?

[heartbroken323]

I just registered so I am no longer a guest. Things have pretty much not changed and may have gotten worse, I'm not sure. I tried making an appointment with the IC (took me a few to figure out what that meant ) and she told me that she could not see me because she see's my wife and she feels its a conflict on interest and when and if my wife is ready to, she would like to see us together but not me seperately. I found that odd since the last IC I went to had it planned to see us 6 times each seperate and than 6 times together. At any rate, my wife still has not decided what she wants to do, yet she won't leave? She yells at me when I try and talk to her and says that I am not giving her space, but how can I? I come home and I go into our basement and watch TV. She comes home and comes downstairs and sits next to me even though we have a TV upstairs. I told her if she wants space she should maybe sleep in the spare bedroom, not just for her sake but also I have alot of trouble in the night because when I look over at her sleeping she is so beautiful and I get very upset and end up waking her up. I guess I could leave, but than I ask myself why should I go anywhere? I am the one who wants to make this work. I love her more than anything in the world and I can accept the fact that she is not "in love" with me, but she obviously loves me still if she cannot leave. Yes, I've done wrong and I know exactly what mistakes I have made and where. But, I will stand there and tell her exactly what I have done and I realize how bad some things were. Some things she thinks are horrendous though, are minor and she blows them up. Whereas, she is treating this guy she was talking to all the time as no big deal. Just because they were not sleeping with each other does not mean that he did not steal a peice of her heart from me and that has put me in the spot I am in. I used to be a vengeful and angry person but through IC I am not, I would have held a grudge forever, but I don't. I told her the minute she tells me that she wants to make it work, I will forget all of this crap and start fresh. But she does not know if she can. I just wish there was something I could do as I am seriously going nuts. I don't care how long it took, I would do whatever I had to and go to any seminar, MC, anything. I've called into work twice this week and I am unsure how I will make the day today. I can barely eat or sleep. The only things I can seem to keep down are weed and beer.

[heartbroken323]

Last nite she said she wants us each to go to counseling seperate 4 times and than to a marriage counselor 4 times. She feels we can do this in about a month and by than she will know if she can feel for me in the same way again. My question is, is that enough time? Anyone have any ideas on how to make her fall in love with me that fast? She swears she loves me and would do anything for me she's just not "in love" with me in "that" way.

[outofdarkness]

Last nite she said she wants us each to go to counseling seperate 4 times and than to a marriage counselor 4 times. She feels we can do this in about a month and by than she will know if she can feel for me in the same way again. My question is, is that enough time? Anyone have any ideas on how to make her fall in love with me that fast? She swears she loves me and would do anything for me she's just not "in love" with me in "that" way.

NO, it cannot be done in a month's time...It takes many months...even years to mend a broken M...But, I might be inclined to take what you can get at this point. If nothing else, mabey you will come to realize in that months time that you need to move on for yourself and start anew. Mabey she is NOT the one for you after all.

 

Let the MC take over and SHE/HE will usually be pretty blunt about where to go from that point. She/he might be able to convince your W to go to MC longer...They are good about explaining things on a level that we, as the couple, can't seem to do...Trust that this might be the start to a wonderful new beginning for you both...Together OR separate.

 

As far as not being able to keep anything down other then wine or beer...This is NOT helping. I have struggled w/ this too...It just makes you more depressed and unable to cope w the situation at hand. Try to keep some food on your stomach, even if it's just a teaspoon of peanut butter of a nutritional drink. You can't think straight and concentrate on things at hand if your not properly nurished mind body and soul. I wish I could take a dose of my own medicine. I am not a good example right now, but I am here to tell you that it only gets worst if you don't take care of yourself. If YOU are unhappy w/ yourself, then how can you be happy w/ anyone else? I wonderful poster who is a very kind and caring person, told me this recently in a private message...It really hit home. It's not something that I didnt' already know, it just helps to have a gentle reminder every now and then.

 

Lastly...After you do go to MC for a time, if you all realize that her heart is just not in it...move on and let her go. You dont' want waste your life w/ someone who doesn't want to be w/ you , or even isn't sure! Get some help for yourself too...There may be some serious issues that you were not even aware of ...Good luck and keep us posted...There are so many kind and caring people on LS, with good sound advice...Keep coming back!

[heartbroken323]

Thank you all so much for your help.

 

We both agreed that we have to follow through 100% on the counseling this time around. I brought it up to her that 1 month is not enough time, but she said that she would know deep down if it will work. She does not expect it to be fixed in a month, but she will know if counseling is having any effect and if we should continue to go.

 

I guess I have to take what I can get and do my best to win her back. If she fell for me once, maybe she can fall for me again!

 

Thank you all so so much for everything. Even if I get through this I will keep coming back here and maybe after counseling I can help someone too. This has been one of the toughest weeks of my life and I thank you all for helping me out.

[whichwayisup]

This all cannot be fixed in a month, I'm not sure if her saying after a month she'll know if it's worth still going and fighting to save your marriage... She needs to be in the right frame of mind and she needs to rid of the OM completely before your marriage even has a chance of working. And as for her gay female friend, I'm not sure what a good influence she'll be....So I really hope your wife thinks for herself, and doesn't let any outside influences control her ways of thinking.

[heartbroken323]

Hopefully my wife will realize the timeline is not realistic once we start in counseling. Luckily the counselor my wife is seeing told her point blank that she cannot listen to anyone else and needs to choose for herself and that she especially should not listen to her lesbian friend. I think a combination of the fact that her counselor told her she was a bad influence and possibly something the girl may have actually said to my wife has prompted her to have very little contact with the girl this week. So that is a positive for sure.

[outofdarkness]

Hopefully my wife will realize the timeline is not realistic once we start in counseling. Luckily the counselor my wife is seeing told her point blank that she cannot listen to anyone else and needs to choose for herself and that she especially should not listen to her lesbian friend. I think a combination of the fact that her counselor told her she was a bad influence and possibly something the girl may have actually said to my wife has prompted her to have very little contact with the girl this week. So that is a positive for sure.

Some positive things! Sounds like you all are making some progress..slow as it may seem..I too, am going through a rough patch. Know that even after things "seem" healed...There will be rough patches or bumps along the way. It takes constant work and is ongoing...M that is. Keep trying and listen to what LSers have to say...They are wise, comforting, compassionate and most importantly, honest...Glad you came back..Keep coming back!

[polywog]

Hi heartbroken,

I just checked in to see how you are doing. I saw that post about how you are drinking, and I can relate. Please stop. I say this because I was numbing out with alchohol for about a month and just stopped a few days ago, and what a difference it makes. Last night I went out to hear music with some pals at a bar, and being the brokenhearted girl, some people bought me a few beers, and today I regret it. Depressed helpless feelings, etc., due to that. No more for a while so I can keep healing, because it really is like healing from a deep wound when we are in this state.

 

As for the counselling, I do think that it's not a good thing for an individual's therapist to see the partner to work on the relationship. My therapist of several years ago, when I was married, would not see us together and recommended a therapist for us to work with as a couple. Her thought was that she didn't think it was productive, as the partner of her client would always feel at a disadvantage.

 

I hope you are taking good care of yourself, and please keep posting. I'm thinking of you...

[Topper]

Here is one thing that I have found to be true. Women will plan ahead when they are leaving a marriage. You also need to get your ducks in a row. Take stock of your financial situation and your own emotional health. I would also contact a Lawyer to see where you stand legally. Don't sit there waiting for her to make a decision that effects your life. You need to get pro active and now.

If things do work out great. If not then at least you will have a game plan.

A few things you have said tell me she has already made up her mind. She just does not want to tell you at this time. I think that is why she has said she just wants a few sessions with MC. They are going to be her forum for breaking the news to you. Sorry but your situation was not to unlike mine.

[heartbroken323]

Thank you all for your support! It was an up and down weekend for sure, but we spent quite a bit of time together and she did not kill me - which was great! She actually had a pretty bad cold, so I just did my best to try and make her feel better. It's tough, though, and I wanted to drink so bad, but she was getting mad with my drinking so once I finished off my last beer I did not go to the store and buy anymore. Saturday I thought I would surprise her when she was getting off of work and grab lunch together, and while she seemed happy, later on she got on my case and accused me of spying on her and that is why I was in the area of her work, when I truly just wanted to do something nice. But in any event, the status has not changed and according to her we are still going to be seeing the counselor. She has an appointment with her counselor right now and I hope there are no new major revelations that could change any progress, however small, we have made. Thanks again for all your support, it's hard to voice how much this has helped me, but it truly has.