loquaciousl Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Ah, good ol LJ. Another post from yours truly. So I met a guy about a month ago. We really hit it off from the get go. He's 33 and I'm 28. (Refer to previous posts to get more background). Anyhow, we've known each other for about a month and met online (not on a dating site.) We have been out three times, and gearing up for the fourth time this Friday. We talk on the phone about 3 times a week. As we're getting to know each other, some things have come to pass...he got out of a year and a half relationship two months ago. I didn't find this out until last weekend because we hadn't really delved into that aspect of things yet getting all hot and heavy. In any event, we had decided a week or two ago that we like each other but we were taking it slow because it's healthier. I for one have the tendency to jump right into things, so thought that seeing him once a week would be just fine. Last weekend I went out of town. Keep in mind we're not exclusive but talking fairly regularly. Anyhow, I was at my grandparents and was online Saturday night on the site I met him on (it's a jack of all trades site) and imagine my surprise when in my random perusings I see he had posted an ad looking to go out that night on a date. I was shocked and kind of upset; but we're not an item, per se, and although we're mutually interested we haven't talked of anything exclusive, as I said before. Anyway, when we talked later I brought up that I had seen the ad. He at that time mentioned how embarrassed he was and that I was out of town and he was bored and wanted to go out that night. It was then I found out that he had broken up with a girl a few months ago. So it is obvious to me that he is not ready for a committed relationship. We haven't slept together or anything like that; but in the course of that conversation he had said that he hadn't been aware of how much I liked him and that he liked me but was scared of getting involved right away. He then told me how special he thinks I am and that he adores me. Later that night (and I admit I was being insecure) I checked and he had removed the ad. I then recieved a text from him the next day saying he misses me, followed by a phone call tonight. He's been pretty consistent with phone calls and initiating plans. Here's the thing. I like him, I know that. He's smart, sweet, ambitious, educated, funny, and handsome. He's been honest with me about things. After this discovery, however, my view changed a bit in that I am on my guard, more for my own benefit than anything. We aren't exclusive, but now I realize his "taking it slow" is because he's recently out of a relationship. He says he wants a relationship again but wants to take it slow. Let me reiterate, I think it's good for me to, as well. My question is this: next steps? I let him do the pursuing and calling and plan making. I don't feel that he is playing games but I also know I want to give him space and let him do what he's gotta do to be cool with himself because I don't want a rebound with him. I have other options but this guy has captured my attention. What should I do? Keep playing it cool? Sorry for the long post.
Lauriebell82 Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 yeah play it cool. i know it can be difficult, i tend to jump in fast too. however one thought jumps in my mind. do u want a relationship? if so then maybe u should cool it with this guy and dont stop pursuing other guys and dates. the problem with waiting around for a guy to be ready is just that..ur waiting around for more. being in that position can get very tiresome. that being paired with him probably not being over his ex, u need to keep ur options open. if another guy asks u out, GO! u guys arent exclusive so dont stop dating. maybe if he actually does see ur dating other guys he may want to pick up the pace and want u to be all his.
Sand&Water Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 RE: You should be relieved he removed his advertisement from the website. Otherwise things could have taken an ugly turn. But. Yes. After such an incident, any woman in your position would have done the same -guarded up. I believe you should take things slowly -i.e. don't be too clingy, not too available. You say you have other options. Then go out and have fun -maybe pursue one or two of those options. However, do understand that he is now a part of your life -to some extent -and at one point in time you will have to draw a line and figure out if he is worthy enough to continue dating him. Show interest. Yes. Don't completely retract. He should know where your intentions lie -that is if you want him to ask you to be his girlfriend. Just make sure you don't get caught in the early stages of dating -and forget to make sense of the quasi-relationship. Or then you have a faded-out hook-up on your hands with him leaving for someone else. A sense of direction would be nice. Enjoy your time with him! Sand&Water
stace79 Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 I think that's a problem we women have...rushing too quickly, getting attached to one guy too soon. My take is, now, I'm going to date whoever I feel like. If I like someone, great, but I'm not putting my eggs in any guys basket until he says he wants to be exclusive. More often than not it's the girl who wants to be exclusive first, and I'm just sick of hanging my hopes on some guy who more than likely will just let me down. Guys by nature want to play the field, so I would keep as distant as possible until one makes it perfectly evident you -- and ONLY you -- are the one he wants.
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