Boyfriend and physical fitness trainer

[Cupcake]

I've been dating this guy long distance for almost a year. We only see each other once every two or three months. We only talk on the phone once a week, or less. Sometimes more. But not much more.

 

Anyway, I've been quite comfortable in the relationship despite several little things that add up over a period of time. My boyfriend never does anything major that freaks me out. It's just a private phone call here and there when we are together he has to go into another room to take, or make. And canceled dates sometimes due to his work schedule or some personal issue. When all these things add up, it seems fishy.

 

I try not to worry about it. I trust him. But anytime I ask about something like the time he canceled a visit to see me because he couldn't find a sitter for his cats and didn't want to leave them alone for two days. He gets defensive and accuses me of being insecure. All I did was mention how he left them alone for a week when we went on a cruise last year, and they were fine.

 

This time, I'm planning to spend the week with him this week while on vacation. I've leaving tomorrow and will be there until next Monday. He always brags about this gym that he goes to. It's like a country club and has everything for excersise including sports and games. All he ever talks about lately is how excited he is about going to the gym to play tennis, raquet ball, or something physical.

 

Naturally, and innocently, I assumed that he would want to work out while I'm visiting. I've never stayed with him for that lenght of time. I didn't want to impose or prevent him from a daily routine. So I packed my gym clothes and was prepared to work out "with" him. He's a very sportive and physical person. Perhaps he could give me some tips, and be my personal trainer. And he spends a lot of time at this gym lately.

 

To my surprise, he was totally against me going to the gym with him. He made it clear that he will only spend an hour or two at the gym while I'm there. But I can't go with him. Reluctantly, he explained that he has a personal trainer who is a female (whom he has never mentioned before now) and he doesn't want to "create headline news" by taking me to HIS gym.

 

My boyfriend told me that I could jog around the block while he's gone, or wait until he returns each day and he will take me to A DIFFERENT gym so that I don't skip my own excersise routine. He encouraged me not to think about this too much and become insecure. Unfortunately, that's all I've been doing since he explained it to me earlier today. Now I wonder what's the big deal? Is something going on with him and his trainer? Is the woman really a trainer or someone he's dating behind my back? If she is a friend, then why can't I meet her? If she's just a trainer, what makes him think I wouldn't be interested in hiring her?

 

This all just seems so stranged to me. Something sooo simple has become a huge problem for me. I feel uncomfortable about spending a whole week with him under these conditions. And if I tell him this, he will say I'm insecure.

[soulseeker]

Ummmm, excuse me? Something is definitely not right. I cannot think of one innocent reason that he would have to keep you from meeting her.

 

You are not being insecure! He is acting extremely suspicious. Dont let him turn this on you, that's how he is going to get out of it.

[Cupcake]

I never wanted to meet her. I didn't even know she existed until today. All I wanted to do was work out at the gym. I wasn't even concerned about the people there. I never thought there was anything wrong with me borrowing my boyfriend's gym while I'm in town. Now he makes me feel like I've done something wrong, like I'm trying to spy on him or something. It's not like I'm asking to hang out with him and his guy friends. It's just a gym!! In the morning!!

[Trialbyfire]

Since you'll be there tomorrow, it might not be a bad time later on in the week to gently broach the subject. His reaction and body language should tell you a little more about whether or not you should be concerned.

 

Right now, best to focus on your trip.

[soulseeker]

I never wanted to meet her. I didn't even know she existed until today. All I wanted to do was work out at the gym. I wasn't even concerned about the people there. I never thought there was anything wrong with me borrowing my boyfriend's gym while I'm in town. Now he makes me feel like I've done something wrong, like I'm trying to spy on him or something. It's not like I'm asking to hang out with him and his guy friends. It's just a gym!! In the morning!!

 

I'm not saying you want to meet her, he doesnt want you to meet her. That is the bigger picture. And why not? Have you asked him what the big deal is? Directly? You have every right to ask him why he does not want you to meet her. It would be the same thing if he outright did not want you to meet some guy that he is friends with, why not? In either case, it would just seem like he is hiding something. You are right, why would you think there is anything wrong with "borrowing your boyfriend's gym?" From what you've said, you havent done anything wrong. Personally, I would just go to the gym. If something's up, I'd rather know. If there's nothing going on, he SHOULD NOT care if you go.

 

I'm not trying to make you feel worse than you do, but honestly, this is a bit ridiculous.

[Cupcake]

Thanks for the feedback. I agree, it is ridiculous. I just wasn't sure if maybe I'm reading too much into this. Like, do boyfriends and girlfriends ever share gyms? Are is that too personal, like sharing a toothbrush or something? He acted like I was invading his privacy by even asking to go to the gym with him while I'm there. Actually, I didn't ask. I just jokingly told him not to bring his "A" game to the basketball court when I get there. That's when he was like..."What are you talking about. You're not going with me to the gym."

 

I was disappointed and like, "Oh noooo. Why not? Can't you bring guest since you're a member. Most gyms do allow a guest. I don't mind paying extra for it."

 

Then he told me that it's his own thing and he doesn't have to share everything with me. And I said, "It's just a gym." That's when he told me about the trainer.

[SoleMate]

My boyfriend told me that I could jog around the block while he's gone...He encouraged me not to think about this too much and become insecure...Is the woman really a trainer or someone he's dating behind my back? If she is a friend, then why can't I meet her? If she's just a trainer, what makes him think I wouldn't be interested in hiring her?

 

...he canceled a visit to see me because he couldn't find a sitter for his cats and didn't want to leave them alone for two days...

 

I trust him.

Why?

 

I sure as h*ll wouldn't. Sheesh. His stories are so thin and feeble and you don't even see it. IMO, he's having it off with, and/or currently working on plans to have it off with, 1 or more other women.

 

Whle we're on the topic, why oh why does someone start a new r/s with someone who lives out of area? Any innocent reasons anyone can think of? I assume you live in a populated area where there are males whom you could see more regularly. I strongly suspect that your "b/f" sees his role as only a part-time arrangement which is made most convenient by your distance.

 

I would encourage you to see him as your occasional, non-exclusive sex partner who lives at a distance. The word "boyfriend" doesn't really apply.

 

Sorry.

[soulseeker]

I just wasn't sure if maybe I'm reading too much into this. quote]

 

I don't think you are reading enough into this.

[Cupcake]

 

I would encourage you to see him as your occasional, non-exclusive sex partner who lives at a distance. The word "boyfriend" doesn't really apply.

 

Sorry.

 

This is an interesting point. If he were a part-time lover, I wouldn't spend days with him at a time. Then I woudln't have to worry about who his friends are, and needing to workout at his gym. It's too late for that now, because I love him too much to have that type of relationship with him. There's just something going on with him right now. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore. I feel like a criminal sometimes the way he treats me. I never know what's going to cause a problem for us. One day it's his cats, the next day it's his job, today it's his gym.

 

I guess my only options are to sit back and accept this, remain insecure and unhappy with him. Or I can speak out, and end the relationship.

 

I wish I could speak out, and he would listen without ending the relationship. I wish he woudln't get mad and call me insecure. I wish he and I could talk about this and have a solution.

[Trialbyfire]

Cupcake, why are you doing this tonight, just before your trip to see him?

[Cupcake]

Cupcake, why are you doing this tonight, just before your trip to see him?

 

Because he didn't tell me about this until today, when he was confirming the arrival time of the flight. There isn't much I can do except cancel the trip. I wish I'd known about this sooner. We never discussed his gym or his trainer before. Maybe he never thought about it and assumed that I woudn't want to work out while I've visiting him. If I didn't want to work out, he would never have to tell me he doesn't want me there. But now, there's like a huge elephant in the room, and nobody wants to talk about it (figuratively speeking).

 

Maybe he's not really going to the gym to work out every morning. Maybe the trainer is really a girlfriend. I don't know anything for sure anymore:-(

[Aloros]

I agree with everyone else. This is just weird. It's a gym, not his undewear, or something else it might be reasonable to not want to share. I really think you should be able to talk this out with him. It sounds like you would be inconvenienced by his desire to not have you at the gym.

 

"Create headline news"? So the people at the gym are interested in his love life because...? Or if they really ARE, you SHOULD be headline news, loud and proud. Ooooh, that would get me mad. My bf invites me everywhere, and is proud to introduce me to the people he knows. We're not attached at the hip, but it is very clear to all the people he knows who I am and the role I have in his life. I think it's an issue of respect.

 

I'd put your foot down on this one until he coughs up a reasonable explanation. Either that or just "whoops" show up when he's there. After all, if he's giving you such flimsy excuses, there's nothing to really stop you from going, is there? If he gets mad, just say you didn't understand what the big deal was, since he didn't bother to explain it to you in concrete terms.

 

But that's the vindictive side of me speaking.

[sunshinegirl]

I've been dating this guy long distance for almost a year. We only see each other once every two or three months. We only talk on the phone once a week, or less. Sometimes more. But not much more.

 

You see each other every 2-3 months for, what, a couple of days each time? Over a year's time, that means that you've spent only 1-2 weeks together in person. Is that about right? And you speak on the phone only once a week?What's up with that?!

 

I've been in 2 long distance relationships, and in each one of them we made every effort to see each other - every 2-3 weeks when possible; at most we would go 5 weeks between visits. But when apart, we would call and email on a daily basis.

 

The (in)frequency of your contact doesn't sound healthy. In fact, the whole thing sounds fishy to me...

[EC]

Because he didn't tell me about this until today, when he was confirming the arrival time of the flight. There isn't much I can do except cancel the trip. I wish I'd known about this sooner. We never discussed his gym or his trainer before. Maybe he never thought about it and assumed that I woudn't want to work out while I've visiting him. If I didn't want to work out, he would never have to tell me he doesn't want me there. But now, there's like a huge elephant in the room, and nobody wants to talk about it (figuratively speeking).

 

Maybe he's not really going to the gym to work out every morning. Maybe the trainer is really a girlfriend. I don't know anything for sure anymore:-(

 

I would hate to add to the 'fishyness' lol but My bf and I share gyms all the time. He lives about an hour away so when he is visiting me He uses my gym and vice versa. We work out together and it's actually more fun.

 

What I dont understand is..You guys have an LDR. Meaning you hardly spend time with eachother as it is. So he would rather go to the gym for two hours..not let you go..suggest you go to ANOTHER gym or Jog around the block while he is gone..Instead of trying to spend every possible minute with you since you will be leaving again.

 

Its just wrong. I know he says not to read too much into it but Why wouldn't he not go to his gym and jog with you? If its because he is paying the trainer why doesn't he just train with her while you do cardio or something?

 

I have a guy trainer and when my bf comes to my gym I train and he does his own thing and we meet at the jacuzzi to relax then go home.

 

Its really weird he was so defensive as to even suggest you go to ANOTHER gym while he went to his. If he didn't want to make headline news you could've walked in separately (which is still wrong) lol

 

If he doesnt have something with the trainer then he might have something with someone else there. I would not let this one go. Or next time you visit show up at the gym.

[Sand&Water]

RE:

 

There are several underlying issues at hand in this situation that you and your boyfriend are purposely ignoring -ironically, putting it aside in the Less Important Bin.

I've been dating this guy long distance for almost a year.

This is probably one of the important issues. You have been with him for almost a year, and none of these issues seem to have been resolved.

 

All the issues -undiscussed topics -scream attention. You can't continue to ignore them.

 

I strongly advice you, Cupcake, to re-think this relationship. You are the weak link in this relationship. He is manipulating the relationship in his favor. Controlling. Take Action -and install strict boundaries and guidelines -or at least discuss the things you are uncomfortable with, with your boyfriend.

 

He is your Boyfriend!

 

You are wasting your time. IF you don't turn this relationship around when you do go visit him, I don't think there will be a future.

 

Sand&Water

[Cupcake]

I canceled the trip to visit him. I called him up the morning I was supposed to leave and told him I was sick. He was disappointed and concered about my well being. But he didn't get bent out of shape.

 

I tried to talk about the trainer. He refused to talk about it. He said it was none of my business and accused me of being jealous. He said I was trying to fight with him. Then he said if I was going to be insecure about everything, he'd rather I not come visit him until I come to my senses.

 

As for the fact that we don't talk every day, my BF and I have discussed that in the past. He said it's better we don't talk every day because we don't always have things to say. It would get boring and predictable. Deep down, I would prefer to talk to him every day at least for a few minutes. But if I tell him that, he will say I'm needy and crowding his space.

 

I try so hard to trust men, despite the fact that I've been cheated on a lot in the past. What ends up happening...I ignore things and don't speak up for myself. That comes across as me being naive and they take advantage of me. No matter how much I hold back, it doesn't help. I just keep hoping that my boyfriend will see how much I trust and respect him. Then he will stop hiding things from me and acting suspicious.

[SoleMate]

He's not your "boyfriend", I really wish you'd stop using that term. Like Aloros said, a "boyfriend" is someone who is happy to let the world know you're together - by definition.

 

boy·friend \–noun

1. a frequent or favorite male companion; beau.

2. a male friend.

3. a male lover.

 

OK, well maybe that could have made my point more strongly. But you have to be a friend to be a boyfriend, and someone who invites you on a visit and then tells you to "jog around the block for 2 hours" is being far from a friend.

 

If I may be so nosy, is there something in your back story that predisposes you to settle for somebody's crumbs instead of your own plate, freshly filled for you?

[melodymatters]

Oh my God cupcake !!!! This is totally unacceptable, why are you dealing with this ??

 

I agree with all the other posters : he's not your boyfriend, you're settling for crumbs, the "you can't come to the gym" IT'S MADNESS !!

 

Why does HE get to set all the rules in this unhealthy relationship ?

 

Just because you've been cheated on before does not mean that you should let people treat you like crap , that makes no sense !

 

What are you getting out of this, being able to use the word "boyfriend" ? He barely want to talk to you on the phone, and he wants you to run around the block while he works out because everyone at the gym will find out he has a girlfriend ?

 

I know why don't you just wait in the car like a dog, or better yet, hide in the trunk because somone from the gym might recognize his car !!!

 

I am sorry for being so harsh, but I'm trying to knock some sense into you, so you can see how blind you are being.

 

Screw this guy, find a real boyfriend !

[EC]

I canceled the trip to visit him. I called him up the morning I was supposed to leave and told him I was sick. He was disappointed and concered about my well being. But he didn't get bent out of shape.

 

I tried to talk about the trainer. He refused to talk about it. He said it was none of my business and accused me of being jealous. He said I was trying to fight with him. Then he said if I was going to be insecure about everything, he'd rather I not come visit him until I come to my senses.

 

As for the fact that we don't talk every day, my BF and I have discussed that in the past. He said it's better we don't talk every day because we don't always have things to say. It would get boring and predictable. Deep down, I would prefer to talk to him every day at least for a few minutes. But if I tell him that, he will say I'm needy and crowding his space.

 

I try so hard to trust men, despite the fact that I've been cheated on a lot in the past. What ends up happening...I ignore things and don't speak up for myself. That comes across as me being naive and they take advantage of me. No matter how much I hold back, it doesn't help. I just keep hoping that my boyfriend will see how much I trust and respect him. Then he will stop hiding things from me and acting suspicious.

 

I just find this soo hard to understand. I was in a LDR for a little over a year and It was very difficult at first, but we spoke everyday. Even if it was just to say goodnight.

 

We undertsood that since we were in an LDR those few minutes were all we had. You go through a long day and the one thing you look forward too sometimes are those 3 minutes of hearing his voice.

 

But I did speak up a lot about the way I was feeling and you have to. Because not only is it unhealthy to keep things bottled up inside; but you guys don't get to see eachother that often. All you have to go on about how the other is feeling is whatever you SAY. HONEST communication is key to making an LDR work.

 

If he is going to think your needy and crowding everytime to want to voice a concern then thats something you need to think about.

 

It's just a trainer..Is he seriously going to let a relationship go over not wanting to talk about a trainer?

[soulseeker]

Cupcake, please stop wasting your time with this piece of $hit. Sorry to be so blunt, but I get so annoyed when I see people treat others with such disregard. HE IS NOT WORTH YOUR TIME. HE IS NOT WORTH YOUR TIME. There are so many good men out there who would love to share a gym with you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I tried to talk about the trainer. He refused to talk about it. He said it was none of my business and accused me of being jealous. He said I was trying to fight with him. Then he said if I was going to be insecure about everything, he'd rather I not come visit him until I come to my senses. [j/quote]

 

This is a big, huge red flag. This is called gaslighting, and it is something people do when they want to deflect from what they are doing behind your back and try to make it all a problem with YOU. This paired with the fact that he obviously doesn't want you to meet her or be around her tells me that something is going on that he doesn't want you to know about or be a part of.

[Island Girl]

I've been dating this guy long distance for almost a year. We only see each other once every two or three months. We only talk on the phone once a week, or less. Sometimes more. But not much more.

 

Okay -- you DO realize he could keep a lot of secrets. This becomes more important later in your posts...

 

Anyway, I've been quite comfortable in the relationship despite several little things that add up over a period of time.

 

Hmm like what?

 

My boyfriend never does anything major that freaks me out. It's just a private phone call here and there when we are together he has to go into another room to take, or make. And canceled dates sometimes due to his work schedule or some personal issue. When all these things add up, it seems fishy.

 

Yes. It certainly does. It sounds like another girlfriend. Or maybe multiple people he's seeing.

 

I try not to worry about it. I trust him.

 

Why do you trust him with all of this sneaky behavior? Where there is smoke there is usually fire. Is he a complete open book to you otherwise? You can call him any time - know his friends, etc.?

 

But anytime I ask about something like the time he canceled a visit to see me because he couldn't find a sitter for his cats and didn't want to leave them alone for two days.

 

Sorry. This is *bullsh*t. Cats can be left alone for a couple of days no problem. That is one of the "perks" of having them they are low maintenance.

 

This is indicative that something else is going on here...

 

He gets defensive and accuses me of being insecure. All I did was mention how he left them alone for a week when we went on a cruise last year, and they were fine.

 

Of course he left them alone for a week and they were fine. But he didn't expect you to bring it up.

 

When he is tripped up - he makes it your problem. Guys use this ALL the time. The "insecure" part is CLASSIC.

 

They know when they throw that one out most women will scramble to do anything BUT seem insecure so they'll accept spoonfuls of crap without too many questions. It makes their outside "activities" much easier to maintain.

 

This time, I'm planning to spend the week with him this week while on vacation. I've leaving tomorrow and will be there until next Monday. He always brags about this gym that he goes to. It's like a country club and has everything for excersise including sports and games. All he ever talks about lately is how excited he is about going to the gym to play tennis, raquet ball, or something physical.

 

Oh the week there. Hmmmm. I'm crossing my fingers for you but I hope you keep your eyes open. You've already said enough to make me think something is rotten in Denmark.

 

He brags about the gym all the time -- and since you are his girlfriend you'll more than likely be able to go along. Nothing a guy likes more than showing off his girl especially a "hard body" if you are.

 

Naturally, and innocently, I assumed that he would want to work out while I'm visiting. I've never stayed with him for that length of time. I didn't want to impose or prevent him from a daily routine. So I packed my gym clothes and was prepared to work out "with" him.

 

Great. Good plan. You are being considerate of him and his schedule. Very, very sweet actually.

 

He's a very sportive and physical person. Perhaps he could give me some tips, and be my personal trainer. And he spends a lot of time at this gym lately.

 

I have one like that. Ex pro rugby player and loves working out. I hate going with him but he always encourages me to come along and watch.

 

To my surprise, he was totally against me going to the gym with him. He made it clear that he will only spend an hour or two at the gym while I'm there. But I can't go with him. Reluctantly, he explained that he has a personal trainer who is a female (whom he has never mentioned before now) and he doesn't want to "create headline news" by taking me to HIS gym.

 

I'd be surprised as well.

 

Who cares if his personal trainer is female? -- Unless he has been trying to get on her which is what I suspect. That could be the only reason -- her or someone else there but since he mentioned her -- it is probably her.

 

So he's the news? He is so elite there that who ever comes with him would make "headline news"? Give me a break. He really think a lot of himself.

 

Guys would be checking you out and hi-fiving him but no one else really cares. And the guys don't care if he brings in a different girl everyday.

 

Nope. There's something WRONG with this. Very wrong.

 

My boyfriend told me that I could jog around the block while he's gone, or wait until he returns each day and he will take me to A DIFFERENT gym so that I don't skip my own excersise routine. He encouraged me not to think about this too much and become insecure.

 

Are you kidding me?!! He is willing to take you to a different gym and sit there while you work out -- or work out again -- just because he doesn't want you to go to this gym?!!

 

Guys don't put that much effort into something unless there is something else motivating them. Trust me.

 

Again he pulls the insecurity card. He knows this will make you sit with it for fear of being called insecure.

 

If he REALLY didn't want you to feel insecure he'd see it as it is - which is no big deal - and bring you. In fact, he should be saying, "I don't want you to feel insecure about it just come with me."

 

But he's not. He is just making sure if you have questions you won't ask or you will be easily placated.

 

Unfortunately, that's all I've been doing since he explained it to me earlier today. Now I wonder what's the big deal? Is something going on with him and his trainer? Is the woman really a trainer or someone he's dating behind my back? If she is a friend, then why can't I meet her? If she's just a trainer, what makes him think I wouldn't be interested in hiring her?

 

All very valid questions that have no valid answers. You are right.

 

However something IS going on with that gym and probably that girl and therefore the only answer you'll get is the lame excuse you already got and more of the "you're just being insecure" crap.

 

This all just seems so stranged to me. Something sooo simple has become a huge problem for me. I feel uncomfortable about spending a whole week with him under these conditions. And if I tell him this, he will say I'm insecure.

 

IT IS STRANGE. His reasoning is bizarre and doesn't make sense. Did you tell him, "that is so stupid and you really sound like an idiot?"

 

I would feel uncomfortable about going too. In fact I'd have a hard time going. It should be simple but he has made it complicated because he is hiding something.

 

I never wanted to meet her. I didn't even know she existed until today. All I wanted to do was work out at the gym. I wasn't even concerned about the people there. I never thought there was anything wrong with me borrowing my boyfriend's gym while I'm in town. Now he makes me feel like I've done something wrong, like I'm trying to spy on him or something. It's not like I'm asking to hang out with him and his guy friends. It's just a gym!! In the morning!!

 

There's nothing wrong with borrowing your boyfriends gym while you are in town.

 

There is something wrong with your boyfriend. In fact there may be other girls he pursues on a regular basis. But this girl more than likely is the flavor of the month.

 

Thanks for the feedback. I agree, it is ridiculous. I just wasn't sure if maybe I'm reading too much into this. Like, do boyfriends and girlfriends ever share gyms?

 

All the time.

 

He acted like I was invading his privacy by even asking to go to the gym with him while I'm there. Actually, I didn't ask. I just jokingly told him not to bring his "A" game to the basketball court when I get there. That's when he was like..."What are you talking about. You're not going with me to the gym."

 

He didn't think you were going to want to go. You shocked him out of his shorts and then he had to come up with a lame excuse for you not to go.

 

He is sounding slimy to say the least.

 

I was disappointed and like, "Oh noooo. Why not? Can't you bring guest since you're a member. Most gyms do allow a guest. I don't mind paying extra for it."

 

Then he told me that it's his own thing and he doesn't have to share everything with me. And I said, "It's just a gym." That's when he told me about the trainer.

 

HE DOESN'T HAVE TO SHARE EVERYTHING WITH YOU?!!!

 

You are long distance. There isn't much he DOES share with you!

 

So he didn't bring up the trainer until the issue was pushed a little bit. So much for open and honest. Honey, I would trust this guy with a ten foot pole.

 

This is an interesting point. If he were a part-time lover, I wouldn't spend days with him at a time. Then I woudln't have to worry about who his friends are, and needing to workout at his gym. It's too late for that now, because I love him too much to have that type of relationship with him.

 

I suspect you have more of that type of relationship than you realize.

 

There's just something going on with him right now. I don't know what's right or wrong anymore. I feel like a criminal sometimes the way he treats me. I never know what's going to cause a problem for us. One day it's his cats, the next day it's his job, today it's his gym.

 

Because you aren't allowed to ask questions? -- He treats you that way because his life isn't an open book - it can't be because he is hiding something. Or multiple somethings. And I suspect those things are other women.

 

But he makes you feel you shouldn't ask because you are being insecure. He is doing nothing to prevent you from feeling insecure. In fact he is adding fuel to the fire and he knows it but he hopes he's gotten you snowed so well that you'll just put blinders on and "act" secure.

 

That is true caring and emotional support at its finest.

 

I wish I could speak out, and he would listen without ending the relationship. I wish he woudln't get mad and call me insecure. I wish he and I could talk about this and have a solution.

 

Well, that's what people do in relationships.

 

Apparently he is more willing to have you feeling insecure and unhappy rather than alleviate your concerns in any way.

 

What kind of a relationship is that?! And why do you think you love someone who treats you badly?

 

Because he didn't tell me about this until today, when he was confirming the arrival time of the flight. There isn't much I can do except cancel the trip. I wish I'd known about this sooner. We never discussed his gym or his trainer before. Maybe he never thought about it and assumed that I woudn't want to work out while I've visiting him. If I didn't want to work out, he would never have to tell me he doesn't want me there. But now, there's like a huge elephant in the room, and nobody wants to talk about it (figuratively speeking).

 

You want to talk about it. You are 50% of the relationship.

 

It shouldn't be a problem. He is your boyfriend right? You are seeing him exclusively because you are pursuing the relationship with an understanding that there could possibly be even more of a commitment?

 

Don't put blinders on and take what he is spoon feeding you about "your insecurity". It is clearly a cover for his shadiness.

 

He didn't think the gym thing would come up. Now that it did he's got to cover his tracks and keep you at bay. He is willing to go to great lengths to do this --- but he is not willing to just put it to rest and allow his girlfriend to come with him.

 

Absolute CRAP. He is betraying you.

 

Maybe he's not really going to the gym to work out every morning. Maybe the trainer is really a girlfriend. I don't know anything for sure anymore:-(

 

I think you are possibly right in either case. I'm glad you know you don't know anything for sure anymore - I hope that extends to this slimy sucker -- you don't know him as well as you think you do either.

 

He hides a lot of things from you and has unexplained behavior - the excuse about the cats is crap - and this thing with the gym is a HUGE wake up call for you.

 

If you do go, keep your eye out for all of these signs that happen when you are there. Regular phone calls that must be private, etc.

 

You already know he is a liar right? I think you do.

 

You already know the whole situation reeks of lying and cheating.

 

So you should be very careful because you can't believe anything that comes out of his mouth.

[Island Girl]

I canceled the trip to visit him.

 

GOOD FOR YOU!

 

I tried to talk about the trainer. He refused to talk about it. He said it was none of my business and accused me of being jealous. He said I was trying to fight with him. Then he said if I was going to be insecure about everything, he'd rather I not come visit him until I come to my senses.

 

Of course he did.

 

He is your boyfriend - or at least that is the picture he'd like to have you believe. But if you were his girlfriend he'd want to see you and this thing about the gym wouldn't stop him -- he was afterall going to get S-E-X that he supposedly doesn't get much of since his girlfriend is LD.

 

I suspect he gets his hedge trimmed more than you know.

 

As for the fact that we don't talk every day, my BF and I have discussed that in the past. He said it's better we don't talk every day because we don't always have things to say. It would get boring and predictable. Deep down, I would prefer to talk to him every day at least for a few minutes. But if I tell him that, he will say I'm needy and crowding his space.

 

Again. CRAP. COMPLETE BULLSH*T.

 

A short conversation to catch up or just touch base with you SO is NORMAL.

 

He has you putting aside your needs and catering to his as he caters to his needs as well.

 

So who's caring about you and how you feel? No one.

 

What a complete loser this guy is.

 

I try so hard to trust men, despite the fact that I've been cheated on a lot in the past. What ends up happening...I ignore things and don't speak up for myself. That comes across as me being naive and they take advantage of me. No matter how much I hold back, it doesn't help. I just keep hoping that my boyfriend will see how much I trust and respect him. Then he will stop hiding things from me and acting suspicious.

 

You have no reason to trust him. His shifty behavior is enough cause for that.

 

And you have even less of a reason to respect him -- someone who could treat someone that cares about him so callously and selfishly -- he is disrespectful and not entitled to your respect.

 

You have to keep your wits about you.

 

If you are starting to date someone don't make up your mind completely right away. Look long and hard about them. Listen to their words but look more at their ACTIONS. They should be CARING for you -- not pushing you off, shutting you up, or pacifying you with lame excuses.

 

This guy has done all three.

 

Write him off PLEASE.

 

You deserve so much more but, more importantly, you need to work on your self esteem.

[mental_traveller]

Long distance relationship, unexplained cancellations and absences, accusations of insecurity when you ask simple questions, and now he is cra*pping his pants at the prospect of you turning up at the gym and meeting his female "fitness trainer" (hmm, I wonder what kind of exercises *they* are doing? Somehow I doubt it's just pressups).

 

This doesn't just sound fishy - it sounds like a racing certainty that he is cheating on you. Sorry but there is no other explanation for his behaviour. I would dump him, or if you need proof, investigate and get it, then dump him.

[mental_traveller]

I tried to talk about the trainer. He refused to talk about it. He said it was none of my business and accused me of being jealous. He said I was trying to fight with him. Then he said if I was going to be insecure about everything, he'd rather I not come visit him until I come to my senses. [j/quote]

 

This is a big, huge red flag. This is called gaslighting, and it is something people do when they want to deflect from what they are doing behind your back and try to make it all a problem with YOU. This paired with the fact that he obviously doesn't want you to meet her or be around her tells me that something is going on that he doesn't want you to know about or be a part of.

 

Agree 100%. It's classic cheater behaviour.

 

Look, you don't even have much of a relationship in the first place. Why have a non-existent "relationship" where you meet 4 times a year, speak only once a week, and get hidden from his friends when you *do* come over. You are a part-time booty call for this guy, nothing more. In fact it wouldn't surprise me if this fitness trainer is his real gf, and you are his bit on the side.

 

If you are going to get taken advantage of and cheated on, at least be the main gf and have a proper relationship. Even *without* this cheating, your relationship stinks and you could do so much better!

 

Your wish that he would "not take advantage of you" and see these problems you are having is touching, but incredibly naive. Stop being such a doormat, dump this guy, and stand up for yourself. No explanations, just tell him you are tired of long-distance, then hang up and never speak to him again. Next time get a proper guy near you, who you can see and talk to often, who isn't ashamed of his friends seeing you, and who doesn't pork his fitness trainer while you are away.