sockpuppet Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Last year I started dating one of those girls that everyone wants, and everyone loves. She has a million friends, always has guys wanting her, and never seems to have a care in the world. She loves social situations, she loves people, and she does really well that way. A whole range of issues plagued our relationship related to some issues that I'd had buried that came up, mostly all pointing to that aspect of her. A long time ago I was that kind of person too, but the last couple years, some rough circumstances and a really unhealthy relationship destroyed my confidence. I have also transferred colleges a couple of times and never really got established at my school, never had the college experience. I was so jealous about this, that I couldn't do our long distance relationship. Since we've been apart, I've been trying to work on just being happy where I'm at, and getting some friends. I wasn't really open to dating around since I still loved my ex. We started growing closer together, and we're at a point now where sometime in the fairly near future we might make a go at it again. The problem is, my situation still blows here, and I can't understand what I'm doing wrong. In the past, I didn't even try to make friends with people, so it didn't bother me that I didn't connect a whole lot. Now, I'm trying and I'm getting nowhere. It's my senior year and I have only a few friends and no college experience. My ex on the other hand, without even trying, has had guys tripping over themselves to try and get with her and has made a plethora of new friends. She somehow was able to take the end of the relationship totally in stride and act like she doesn't need me in the least. Before I'm with her again, I want to make sure I don't resent my own situation so much that I'm jealous and bitter towards her. I realize one big thing that's probably seeping through this post is my insecurity, my desperation, and my lack of confidence. How instrumental do you think this all is in why I've gotten nowhere? I'm a good looking guy, I am not socially inept. I'm not especially shy...people just don't REACT to me like they do to her. Is it just cause I'm a guy, and she's a hot girl who happens to be very well endowed and very social? I could just use some help from somebody who's dragged themself up from the bottom. I already know I need to have confidence and just be myself, but it's hard to do when I can't even get to making myself feel like I'm capable and not lacking something. I need to know how to rebuild my confidence from rock bottom. Please, any advice would be appreciated. I don't need to know what to do in regard to the relationship, whether it's better I'm with or without her is irrelevant, this is more about me and I just used her as an example to contrast her experience with mine, and why I feel like such a loser. Thanks in advance.
monkey00 Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Sounds to me that you're not completely over the ex. if you were you wouldnt give a damn about her life or even compare yours to hers for that matter. Its understandable that senior year is the worst time to make friends, because freshman year is when making friends happen. Around this time everyone is too busy with finals and getting out to the real world that they dont have time to make friends. I say if you dont want to feel so bad about yourself, then dont compare yourself to her anymore. You ever heard that saying "happiness comes when you arent looking for it"? Enjoy your final year of college, once you graduate...thats it! Focus on your future, friends and girls will come your way in time.
Author sockpuppet Posted April 3, 2007 Author Posted April 3, 2007 I'll admit I'm not totally over her. As far as she says, she's not over me either, and she's still in love with me...but she's doing a much better job at living a single life than I am. I don't mean to say she's with anyone, but she is enjoying the attention a girl gets while single. I totally get that if I'm not looking for it, and I'm not focusing on where I think I'm missing something, it'll actually come to me. At this point it's just a monumental task to even get myself to stop feeling so desperate and inadequate. On recent job applications, I listed the ability to come into a new place and make friends as a strength of mine. It always used to be, something just happened and it's driving me nuts. Edit: I just want to add that I have only physically been at my college for a year and a half, the rest of the time I've been other places. My first year here, I didn't branch out like I should have, I let a relationship consume me.
Guest.Girl Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Two points I want to state here. 1. This is just an ego thing. Dont we all want to show our friends, the whole world that we have hooked up with the most popular girl/boy. This urge is even stronger than love/sex itself. 2. Just because she is the popular does not mean she will make a good date/ partner/ fling/ whatsoever. In my experience, the most popular guy is always the most disappointing to spend time with.
DanielMadr Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Last year I started dating one of those girls that everyone wants, and everyone loves. She has a million friends, always has guys wanting her, and never seems to have a care in the world. She loves social situations, she loves people, and she does really well that way. A whole range of issues plagued our relationship related to some issues that I'd had buried that came up, mostly all pointing to that aspect of her. A long time ago I was that kind of person too, but the last couple years, some rough circumstances and a really unhealthy relationship destroyed my confidence. I have also transferred colleges a couple of times and never really got established at my school, never had the college experience. I was so jealous about this, that I couldn't do our long distance relationship. Since we've been apart, I've been trying to work on just being happy where I'm at, and getting some friends. I wasn't really open to dating around since I still loved my ex. We started growing closer together, and we're at a point now where sometime in the fairly near future we might make a go at it again. The problem is, my situation still blows here, and I can't understand what I'm doing wrong. In the past, I didn't even try to make friends with people, so it didn't bother me that I didn't connect a whole lot. Now, I'm trying and I'm getting nowhere. It's my senior year and I have only a few friends and no college experience. My ex on the other hand, without even trying, has had guys tripping over themselves to try and get with her and has made a plethora of new friends. She somehow was able to take the end of the relationship totally in stride and act like she doesn't need me in the least. Before I'm with her again, I want to make sure I don't resent my own situation so much that I'm jealous and bitter towards her. I realize one big thing that's probably seeping through this post is my insecurity, my desperation, and my lack of confidence. How instrumental do you think this all is in why I've gotten nowhere? I'm a good looking guy, I am not socially inept. I'm not especially shy...people just don't REACT to me like they do to her. Is it just cause I'm a guy, and she's a hot girl who happens to be very well endowed and very social? I could just use some help from somebody who's dragged themself up from the bottom. I already know I need to have confidence and just be myself, but it's hard to do when I can't even get to making myself feel like I'm capable and not lacking something. I need to know how to rebuild my confidence from rock bottom. Please, any advice would be appreciated. I don't need to know what to do in regard to the relationship, whether it's better I'm with or without her is irrelevant, this is more about me and I just used her as an example to contrast her experience with mine, and why I feel like such a loser. Thanks in advance. You are not a kid anymore. Its you and only you. When you need other people to be happy, you are doomed. She cant fo that, she needs her fans. Dont go the same way. You cant. You are a man. Only time people will try to be in your presence is when you are strong and self assured with exception of a few real friends and you cant win them, you have to earn them. How to build a confidence? Just dont give a shyt what others think. Do some self defence courses. Jump from aeroplane or whatever. Be good at school. Help others who are not so strong or clever but dont expect thanks. Dont look for your social value....its not up to you. Just do your best, be better person and it will come. Just dont care about your status like some "hot" chick. Its vain. Forget about your ex. Sure you made some bad moves, thats why she left you. She left you b/c you were not complete person/man. When you become one, she will probably regret, she went for bigger fish but who cares....just forget her, it just didnt work.
EC Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 You are not a kid anymore. Its you and only you. When you need other people to be happy, you are doomed. She cant fo that, she needs her fans. Dont go the same way. You cant. You are a man. Only time people will try to be in your presence is when you are strong and self assured with exception of a few real friends and you cant win them, you have to earn them. What you want is an entourage lol. Honestly the grass is always green on the other side because you don't have to mow it. She is probably putting up a good front and you have no idea. You will never be happy as long as your happiness depends on other people. YOU make yourself happy. You limit yourself by thinking things like " I won't be happy unless I have a lot of friends" Or " I won't be happy unless she is as miserable as I am" Your basing your happiness on things that are out of your control. As long as your doing that you will constantly be miserable and disappointed. Why not enjoy time with the friends you do have? Join a group in college. They have soooo many things you can join. And you can then have instant friends that you will have something in common with. Try to cut your communication with her some if you can so that you can stop comparing your life to hers and start moving on with yours! Besides not keeping in close contact will make her think your just Oh so busy to chat lol You don't need a million friends. You just need yourself and a smile. That old person you say you were is still in there somewhere you just need to let go and start having some fun.
Author sockpuppet Posted April 3, 2007 Author Posted April 3, 2007 All very good advice. Either way I need to stop comparing and basing my happiness on her. Apparently my area is notorious for being difficult to make it "in" with people. My school lacks community and people always complain about trying to make friends, though those groups had to start somewhere. I'm hoping the job I'm starting up soon will help. I don't need to have a million friends, I just want to stop feeling helpless and like I couldn't have tons of friends if I really wanted it.
EC Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Oh your starting a new job? Thats a great thing! It will keep you busy and you will meet new people. Your just in a little slump. And being in the 'in' group isn't always what it's cracked up to be. At least IMO. Just start talking to people. Bring up little conversations here and there and eventually people come around. Speak up in class if you can it will get you noticed.
Localjunkie Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 2. Just because she is the popular does not mean she will make a good date/ partner/ fling/ whatsoever. In my experience, the most popular guy is always the most disappointing to spend time with. i couldnt have said it better myself, the most popular people ive been with has never exactly had time to focus in concentration but rather to spread it out, thus making that person popular
Author sockpuppet Posted April 6, 2007 Author Posted April 6, 2007 There's been a lot of good advice on here, most of it focused around my necessity to stop looking to other people for my happiness. Some things I wanted to clear up, however, because I think my bitter tone might have portrayed the girl I'm talking about in an unfair light. - She is the "popular" type, but I don't see why people tend to have such an immediate judgment of someone like this. What I noticed is, in general, it just takes longer to get this kind of person to really open up, but once they do, they are no less valuable or "deep" than any other person can be. Also, she's not the popular type because she CRAVES attention and acts in a way that induces it. She's honestly just an outgoing, friendly person who happens to be very attractive, and she doesn't take crap from anyone. This draws people to her. - My primary attraction to her is not because she's this "type." I say primary because I'm sure it's been a small factor at times. This whole issue started when I found out the difference in our sexual history...she had a lot more experience. Since I already viewed her as this huge novelty, being a girl more attractive and fun than anyone I'd ever been with, it seemed like a death-blow to my ego to find out that she'd been with twice as many people as me, though I don't know why I was surprised. It IS my ego, and I'm just trying to rebuild it in a way that is healthy. I'm placing this huge value on sexual encounters which really means nothing- I've had just as much experience, just with less people. She and I were madly in love before I sabotaged us. So now I'm single, and working on being happy on my own...there's just been this feeling that I need to prove to myself I'm desirable enough to get the kind of sex that was so available to her...and I think anyone will agree this is self-defeating because I'm continuing to compare us and basing my self worth on outside validation. I'm also ignoring circumstances, like the fact that it IS my senior year and I don't know many people, and the fact that a guy generally does have to do a lot more to get to the point of sex with someone, at least more than an attractive girl with a huge rack has to do at a party school. So anyways, I'm just generally frustrated, because I see how stupid it is to think that just because I haven't had as many partners or have felt like I can't get with people as easily, that it means that I'm not good enough. I really just want to get my confidence back so stuff comes naturally and I stop feeling so desperate, whether that means she and I being together again or me having to stay single.
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