SouthernT Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Ok I havent posted anything in a while about this guy..but here it goes. (I'll try keep it as short as possible.....) Recap: Met a guy in October last year and we talked about everyday/every other day. (just talking not dating) Month and a half goes by and he initiates a discussion and says "hey I really like and here in a about a month or so I might want to take this to the next level". (Of course I told him that I really liked him too) Then a week later he stops INITIATING contact. So I called about once a week for a couple of weeks and had no response. Didnt hear from him all of december and he pops up again mid January. He invites me out (with a group of people) and says "the reason I wanted to invite you out is so that I can apologize face to face about the way I handled things. My ex was still was still causing problems and I didnt want you to go through that. And I had my reasons for pulling back. I was really starting to like you" And he was on me ALL night long like I was his girlfriend. So after he redeemed himself, I thought ok, I'll give it another shot. But this time, I'm going to let him initiate EVERYTHING. From phone conversations to outings. So then we talk about once week from mid Jan to mid February. Then he stops communication AGAIN. I sent him a text one day and said "hey big head how are?" and he text back saying "missing you, how are you doing?" So a month goes by and I dont hear from him untill this past weekend and he invites me out on a group outing on Saturday. He acted the same way. Showed me attention, introduced me to some of his male and female friends. Havent heard from him since Saturday. Talk about mixed signals.... So after all of this information: Can somebody please tell me what on earth he's trying to do? And to satisfy everybody's curiosity: No we have NOT had sex. I told him from the begining I didnt have casual sex and he hasnt pressured me for it at all.
2ndIINone Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Hmmmm.... he's flirty, appears honest about his ex....a confident vibe... distant... mysterious... unpredictable... and so far, a gentleman. Sounds to me like he's got some really good game.... He's got you wonderin.... Next time he disappears and then pops up and invites you out with friends.... simply decline... (nothing against him...) just allow yourself to already have plans. You can't keep jumping everytime he asks you to.... my advice.... don't be so available.
Trialbyfire Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 It could be either game or he's back with his g/f. Either way, I agree that you should make yourself unavailable the next time he calls. You're entitled to more respect than he's accorded you.
Not_That_Innocent Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Sounds like he has a huge ego to feed. When he's not being fed by someone else he contacts you. When he is being fed by someone else he doesn't need you. He sounds like a PLAYER to me, or if nothing else a huge FLIRT!!
DanielMadr Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Ok I havent posted anything in a while about this guy..but here it goes. (I'll try keep it as short as possible.....) Recap: Met a guy in October last year and we talked about everyday/every other day. (just talking not dating) Month and a half goes by and he initiates a discussion and says "hey I really like and here in a about a month or so I might want to take this to the next level". (Of course I told him that I really liked him too) Then a week later he stops INITIATING contact. So I called about once a week for a couple of weeks and had no response. Didnt hear from him all of december and he pops up again mid January. He invites me out (with a group of people) and says "the reason I wanted to invite you out is so that I can apologize face to face about the way I handled things. My ex was still was still causing problems and I didnt want you to go through that. And I had my reasons for pulling back. I was really starting to like you" And he was on me ALL night long like I was his girlfriend. So after he redeemed himself, I thought ok, I'll give it another shot. But this time, I'm going to let him initiate EVERYTHING. From phone conversations to outings. So then we talk about once week from mid Jan to mid February. Then he stops communication AGAIN. I sent him a text one day and said "hey big head how are?" and he text back saying "missing you, how are you doing?" So a month goes by and I dont hear from him untill this past weekend and he invites me out on a group outing on Saturday. He acted the same way. Showed me attention, introduced me to some of his male and female friends. Havent heard from him since Saturday. Talk about mixed signals.... So after all of this information: Can somebody please tell me what on earth he's trying to do? And to satisfy everybody's curiosity: No we have NOT had sex. I told him from the begining I didnt have casual sex and he hasnt pressured me for it at all. OK. He is a bit challenge. If he wouldnt be, you probably didnt notice him and wouldnt erite this thread. Challenge works. He introduced you to his friends, its a good signal. Probably you are sending no buying signals, so he is playing it safe. When you make yourself unavailable just for the sake of it....it wont do any good. Ask him out instead and make clear you are interested in dating him more often. When he freaks out you have your answer. When you start playing hard to get it will frustrate both of you.
Salam For Ever Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 It could be either game or he's back with his g/f. Either way, I agree that you should make yourself unavailable the next time he calls. You're entitled to more respect than he's accorded you. i agree with you that a good opinion
LucreziaBorgia Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Could be that he does like you and enjoys your company when he is with you, but he is dating other people as well and doesn't want a serious dating relationship with any one person right now. People who get out of relationships sometimes date around for a while before jumping back into the fire again.
DanielMadr Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 i agree with you that a good opinion what do you think she wil achieve by being unavailable? His now low interest will get even lower. Challenge doesnt work the same for guys as it works for girls. Girls are in demand with steady supply of guys. So one guy being a challenge is a difference but girl being a challenge is nothing new.
bridget_jones Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 I'll make this simple for you: He's Just Not That Into You.
bridget_jones Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 what do you think she wil achieve by being unavailable? His now low interest will get even lower. Challenge doesnt work the same for guys as it works for girls. Girls are in demand with steady supply of guys. So one guy being a challenge is a difference but girl being a challenge is nothing new. So you're saying she should continue to call and contact a guy, and pursue a guy, who has low interest in her anyway? If he finally does call, she's supposed to drop everything and just be gagging to go out with him? Yeah, that really makes sense. Daniel, I think your thing is...you want women to chase you and that's not how it works. It's frustrating you.
DanielMadr Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 So you're saying she should continue to call and contact a guy, and pursue a guy, who has low interest in her anyway? If he finally does call, she's supposed to drop everything and just be gagging to go out with him? Yeah, that really makes sense. Daniel, I think your thing is...you want women to chase you and that's not how it works. It's frustrating you. Yeah it works like that. If you think Im pushing some personal agenda, you are wrong. Besides, girls do chase me. It works better than me chasing them. I tell you what doesnt work....playing games. You want to see him, go for it. He wants to see you, dont play hard to get. If you dont have time, tell him you are sorry. My personal experince: Dont waste time. You snooze you lose. End of story. She can be extraordinary and hot and whatever but if she seems she is not interested........shame....go for next one. Who wants a girl who doesnt love you anyway?
bridget_jones Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 The guys who are worth having are the ones going after me and calling and such.
DanielMadr Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 The guys who are worth having are the ones going after me and calling and such. There is difference between ego boosting pursuit and laid back confident persistance. But I can tell you dont be surprised when they 'next' you on the grounds of you not showing interest. They would be stupid to try to win you when you dont play ball or just weakly throwing back time to time.
nicki Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Sounds like he might have another woman in the mix. (sorry if this hurts you) I've been talking to guys who seem very interested in me, then drop contact only to call me in a month or so again. It's usually because they met another woman, or things heated up with one they were already talking to. But, I don't bite at their bait. The guy had his chance and now I'm not interested. Either way, I think you can strike a balance between being showing interest in a guy, and retaining your own power. It's really quite simple. You give according to the relationship. If he is calling and interested, then you throw the ball back by giving more of yourself, and possibly asking him out, or at least dropping a few hints like "I'd really love to go see the movie ______." If he's not a complete idiot, he will pick up the ball and ask you out. I usually think of phone contact in the early days of a relationship as a tool to see each other in person. I probably wouldn't be talking to a guy for months without seeing him. If it were me, I'd make most of the calls rather short so he has incentive to ask me out to have the long conversations in person. Similarly, if he is dropping contact, then you aren't going to run and go meet him when he calls next. That's reinforcing negative behavior. BUT, you could say when he calls that you would love to spend more time with him. Make plans to see him another time, and name the day so he knows you really mean it. Make sure he has to drive to YOU and put out a bit of effort. If a guy likes you, he should make the effort to come to you (at first.) When things are more reciprocal, then you can go drive to see him, etc., but don't be the woman who drops everything to run to a guy....that teaches a guy to be rather lazy. No effort from a guy = no chance. Just make sure you don't turn into his phone buddy. He definitely should be asking you out if you are showing him interest. So state what you want and see what happens. Say, "I'd love to spend some time together." Then don't talk for hours and hours on the phone. Be nice when he calls, just quick to get off the phone. He will have to ask you out to talk to you. Anyway, he should know this stuff already. It's not your job to teach him. If you are showing interest and he's not asking you out, move on. He's either an idiot, or he's got other women, but it doesn't matter. You should only expend so much energy for a certain amount of time without getting results. Then you put your energy somewhere else, or towards someone else.
Walk Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 The guys who are worth having are the ones going after me and calling and such. You're joking, right? A guy is only worth having if he chases after you? haha.. that's about egotistical if I ever heard it. You condem Daniel for wanting girls to chase after him, but you'll discard a man who doesn't run after you like you stole his car. hahahahaha hahahah I think you'd be more persuasive by rephrasing the thought. You want guys who actually show they're serious, not just say it. Is that about right? To the OP: I personally think... if the OP can go have fun with the guy without getting attached, then do so. If it's causing her to feel depressed, or emotionally hurt in some way, then don't go out with him again. Doesn't take a mensa member to come up with the solution. He's shown he's not dependable by disappearing for months at a time. He says one thing and acts the opposite. He cares, but not enough to really put time and effort into building anything solid.
Author SouthernT Posted April 3, 2007 Author Posted April 3, 2007 I guess my main question is: How do I continue to show interest without making it seem as though I'm chasing him. In other words I want to make sure I don't give up that controll. Right now I feel as though it's a pretty balanced situation. I don't call him unless he calls me and I've only invited him out once or twice. It may seem childish but right now I'm doing the "tit for tat" type thing because I dont know what else to do. He is definitley aware of the fact that I like him, but I wont chase him just to "feed his ego" And I can tell with this guy, playing hard to get is not going to work all too well. He has soooo many options that all he'll do is say "well, she wasnt interested, so...who's next" What confuses me is the things he says : 1) for example, he had an errand to run for his business one day and I went with him and he made a comment and said "hey you need to pay attention to this stuff because you'll be the one helping me out with my business" 2) He'll also say "hey I might go to church with you one day...." 3) I cant wait to take you heare and there...And the list goes on and on......So it's stuff like that which has me very confused. But at what point do you address issues vs. going with the flow and not pressuring a guy because you dont feel like enough ground has been established to were it wouldnt just end up pushing him away?
nicki Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Yeah, Daniel is saying that he doesn't want to waste his time on women who are not showing interest. Completely understandable and smart. (which is the same thing Bridget is saying about women not wasting their time on men who aren't showing interest.) Southern T, you are doing fine! Watch what he does, not just what he says. A charmer type guy will make references to the future too soon, and then not do the day to day things that will get you there. So, as you are doing, bring it down to the actions necessary at this level of the relationship. I wouldn't be doing anything a girlfriend does until you actually reach this status...that includes helping him "run a business." As for the other stuff he says, like church, just say "That sounds fun. How about this Sunday?" If he declines going after several invitations, then you have your answer. Basically, watch his actions. Keep it balanced, but be sure to be proactive. If you want to go out, ask him. If you want to do something nice for him and you can, then do it. It is only a problem when it becomes a PATTERN of you chasing after him/putting all the effort in and he doesn't reciprocate it. Going with the flow means accepting the current reality of the situation and working WITH it. For instance, if he's into casual sex, and you aren't, then you say what you really think. It doesn't mean saying you're cool with things when you aren't. If you don't want a casual sex relationship, then you leave the situation. That's working with reality. A strong woman states her needs because she knows a man wants to know. Its respectful to him, and to you. How else can you have a real relationship? How else can you know if you two are on the same page? Don't worry about pressuring him. Worry more about evaluating compatibility with him, and deciding if this situation is for you.
nicki Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Sorry for the double post, just wanted to add: At the stage you two are at, you don't need to have big talks to "address the issues." State your thoughts/needs simply and calmly. You can even use humor and joke a bit. Think of it like you want him to know who you are. Keep it simple.
Trialbyfire Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 OK. He is a bit challenge. If he wouldnt be, you probably didnt notice him and wouldnt erite this thread. Challenge works. He introduced you to his friends, its a good signal. Probably you are sending no buying signals, so he is playing it safe. When you make yourself unavailable just for the sake of it....it wont do any good. Ask him out instead and make clear you are interested in dating him more often. When he freaks out you have your answer. When you start playing hard to get it will frustrate both of you. He's more than a challenge. A challenge doesn't drop someone with no contact. It shows disrespect and a "at his convenience" attitude. Big red flags.
DanielMadr Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 He's more than a challenge. A challenge doesn't drop someone with no contact. It shows disrespect and a "at his convenience" attitude. Big red flags. Real life experience: I met a girl. I asked her for phone number. She said No and that she has boyfriend so I asked for her email and got it. I thought to myself she is not interested that much, so I didnt pursue her, just simple email couple of days later. She answered, asked me out to join her and her female friend and send me her phone number. I joined them but stayed apart....chit chat now and then. Next month she was bombarding me with requests of going out and I declined them all. I was quite busy and didnt think she wanted anything more serious than dance and talk anyway. I met with her two months later. She had a new boyfriend who she met at the club. Her female friend asked me why I didnt want her etc. Thing is if she made it more clear she is willing to be more serious with me, I would have made time for her in that month. Maybe Im wrong and she was always interested more in dancing and the challenge I unintentionaly created, than in me. Who knows. But it is possible your guy OP just dont know if you are really interested and he is afraid to drop the challenge thing not to lose you. Or he just dont want to waste time on nothing like me. Ask him if he wants to date you more regularly. Its appropriete. Its not needy or clingy or anything. Show him your cards a little and he will melt or run.
soulseeker Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Southern T, you are doing fine! Watch what he does, not just what he says. A charmer type guy will make references to the future too soon, and then not do the day to day things that will get you there. This could not have been said better.
DanielMadr Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 This could not have been said better. Yeah nicki is the girl:love:
Trialbyfire Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Real life experience: I met a girl. I asked her for phone number. She said No and that she has boyfriend so I asked for her email and got it. I thought to myself she is not interested that much, so I didnt pursue her, just simple email couple of days later. She answered, asked me out to join her and her female friend and send me her phone number. I joined them but stayed apart....chit chat now and then. Next month she was bombarding me with requests of going out and I declined them all. I was quite busy and didnt think she wanted anything more serious than dance and talk anyway. I met with her two months later. She had a new boyfriend who she met at the club. Her female friend asked me why I didnt want her etc. Thing is if she made it more clear she is willing to be more serious with me, I would have made time for her in that month. Maybe Im wrong and she was always interested more in dancing and the challenge I unintentionaly created, than in me. Who knows. But it is possible your guy OP just dont know if you are really interested and he is afraid to drop the challenge thing not to lose you. Or he just dont want to waste time on nothing like me. Ask him if he wants to date you more regularly. Its appropriete. Its not needy or clingy or anything. Show him your cards a little and he will melt or run. While I agree that people sometimes give mixed or wrong signals, the OP already stated to him that she really liked him and continued conversation with him. I'm guessing the intro was a way to make someone jealous, whether it's the ex or someone else.
DanielMadr Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 While I agree that people sometimes give mixed or wrong signals, the OP already stated to him that she really liked him and continued conversation with him. I'm guessing the intro was a way to make someone jealous, whether it's the ex or someone else. We dont know. We just dont know and OP doesnt know too. Why not to ask him and be smarter? Its win win either way. He wont start to like her more when she backs off. This situation frustrates her, so drop him or go for it....or back off, play games and be frustrated.
Trialbyfire Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 We dont know. We just dont know and OP doesnt know too. Why not to ask him and be smarter? Its win win either way. He wont start to like her more when she backs off. This situation frustrates her, so drop him or go for it....or back off, play games and be frustrated. Agreed. If she's feeling up to it, she should directly ask him what his problem is, instead of asking him out. I personally hate games so I'm with you on that.
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