She's got a new guy.. how do I cope?

[spinback]

Hi,

 

I split up with my girlfriend about 3 months ago. I'm not over her, despite more than 2 months of NC. I found out today that she's got someone else and it really really hurts.

 

Does anyone have any advice about how to deal with this? I feel like I've just split up with her all over again.

 

Thanks for any help.

[loveratud]

Well there's a couple of different ways to approach it. It really depends on what stance you're taking.

 

Do you still think you and her are meant to be together?

 

Or are you just lonely and wanting to get over her?

[polywog]

Ouch. I know exactly what that's like, the opening up of the wound again.

Most people if not all on LS have had to cope with the same thing. Not that that helps your pain, though. At least you have lots of company, and posting here as much as you like will help... you'll get kindness and encouragement while you go through this awful time. Which won't last forever, though it might feel like it.

 

You need to be extra kind to yourself. Let yourself grieve this loss. Three months is not a long time. Chances are her "new relationship" is just a rebound and won't last. She's probably doing that to escape temporarily from her own pain. It will be hard for you not to dwell on it, but time will pass and you'll find yourself thinking less about her and more about moving forward if you take care of yourself.

 

Anyhow, do yourself a favor and read some books on breaking up and surviving pain, and it might be a good time for you to go into counselling so you can make the best of yourself... these times when we're all broken open like this are great opportunities to grow.

 

Geez, I wish I had better advice, poor spin. I'll bet other great LSers will come to the rescue and maybe recommend some good books and specific ideas for coping. Hang in there, sweetie.

[Icantletgo]

My bf left me with a girl. so while i was there reeling from the breakup he was already laughing/sleeping/being happy with someone new.

 

It sucks. I was obsessed with her. I felt like I wasn't good enough.

 

 

The truth is...we are good enough...we are BETTER than good enough. But the pieces just didn't fit with your ex...So if she does or doesn't stay with him for a long time, just remember that you gotta breathe and just think about how strong you'll be and how happy you'll be in a year from now.

 

Good luck.

[Guest]

Oh Spinback I am so sorry.

 

As hurt and devestated as you are try to see past the pain and use it as the kick in the butt to REALLY move on now. NC is more important now more than ever. Block her, delete her, change your number whatever it takes. Avoid places and mutual friends. Start there. As much as it hurts in some ways it helps knowing the reason you aren't getting any contact is because they can't instead of they won't.

 

(((Spinback)))

[mental_traveller]

Having sex with one or more new women usually eases the pain somewhat.

[shockandawed]

Having sex with one or more new women usually eases the pain somewhat.

 

Not if you were in love with your ex.

 

I feel for you.. My fiance broke up with me in December and went straight into another relationship. A month ago, she was saying the grass wasn't greener and now she is claiming to be getting married next month. She is very insecure and desperate to be married, so this is possible. Who knows...

 

All I know is trying to maintain any contact with her has caused nothing but grief. It is very hard to let go of someone who you spent so much time communicating with over the last three years. But it is necessary for your well being.

 

Not sure how you found out about her new relationship. Do yourself a huge favor and resist any urge to find out more. It's hard as hell and painful, but just focus on yourself. It will get better.

[spinback]

Thankyou for the replies.

 

I don't know what to make of it at all, I have been sat shaking in the same chair for a while now. I only found out a couple of hours ago.

 

It only confuses me because a few weeks ago she was contacting my friends asking about me and trying to get in touch with me (as if she actually still cared). And now, 3 days after getting together with someone else, she's tried contacting me via Facebook (on which her profile now says 'in a relationship') -- it's like she's trying to rub this new guy in my face.

 

Part of me (a rather small part) believes we should still be together. The other part believes it could never have worked. Regardless, this was my first relationship so I've never felt pain like this before.

 

I think one of the reasons I've managed without her this long is by convincing myself that she has been feeling as bad as I have, even if she hasn't. Now I can't even do that.

 

I think I'm going to have to take your advice and get either some books on how to deal with this, or some counselling. Relationships aren't worth this.

[Johnny B]

I'm not sure what to tell you man but my ex started dating someone 3 months after we split and after 2 months of seeing him, told me that she thinks its the man she will marry. They've now been together for 4 months.

 

I think it's all still early for you guys but it can happen that they find they're 'one' after you. Although it's not likely it can happen... sometimes it's not just a rebound, but thats something only time can determine.

It's taken me a lot of time/grief/anguish/suffering/pain to understand this but in the end.. is all of that going to bring her back? No. I'm still not over her but keeping contact with her has only prolonged my suffereing... at least you don't have to deal with the fact that you work with your ex AND her new b/f... yes, it's the pain of my reality.

 

She's even felt comfortable enough now to bring him to our team's social/happy hour events.. to which he has no business being there aside from the fact that he's with her. I decided to confront my demon and introduce myself to him. I didnt reveal who I was, but I wanted to put I dont give a **** attitude and show she can bring this dude anywhere that I'm at and I'm not going to care anymore. I think she was pretty surprised that I introduced myself and was cordial and confident in myself that I didnt care. She'd get more satisfaction if I ran away or left every event or just not show up at all... That would show that she still has power over me and I cannot deal with the situation.

I'm stronger than that.

 

I've dated maybe 5 or 6 girls since her and cannot even bring myself to call any of those girls back for a second date. It's just not there for me and I've certainly not found my 'one' after her.

 

You can look up my threads to see my whole story, but it's definately one filled with sorrow and regret

 

Johnny B

[spinback]

Sorry to hear you've had to go through this too; only now do I realise how heart-wrenchingly painful it is. Presumably that now makes it 7 months since you split up with her, are you even anywhere near to being over her?

 

I suppose this was always going to happen but I really didn't want to find out about it when it did, and the only reason I have is because she's put it right under my nose.

 

I can't help but feel ridiculous for feeling this upset over 3 months after breaking up. I just feel absolute disbelief. Worst of all, I think the guy she's with is the one who her mates claimed she'd cheated on me with (which of course, she denied... so never even got closure).

 

If only there were a way I could just click my fingers and forget she ever existed. All this is going to do is make me absolutely desperate to find someone else.

[Guest]

I

If only there were a way I could just click my fingers and forget she ever existed.

 

Spin - if you could perfect that and patent it you'd be a billionaire overnight - LOL

[oppath]

I was the guy on the other side of this, the guy getting into a relationship with a girl JUST out (weeks) of a 5 year relationship. I had to deal with her saying I am 85% sure you are the guy I am going to marry; when you were hiking up those rocks I imagined a little boy, our son following you; I love you so much...all within the first 3 months of dating. I'm 27 and no woman has ever told me that she loved me. I did tell her it was a little too soon to be saying those things and she would freak out and act insecure towards me about it.

 

She still talked to her ex twice a week because they were "best friends". He had moved away and she was friends with so many of his friends. At first I was empathetic with her not telling him about me, and her not taking me around some of her friends. When the "love" statements began, I started to get annoyed. I understood, but I felt disrespected and let her know it.

 

She never did tell him about me after dating for 6 months. He found out a couple weeks before the breakup by calling her house, her dad answering and saying "is this [my name]." He told her "don't tell me details" so I guess she didn't. She should have said "I am seeing somebody." I guess he flew into town 2 weeks later over Christmas and proposed to her. 2 weeks later I'm dumped with an "it's not you, it's me, I don't know who I am and need to find myself, but if I wanted a relationship with anyone it would be you. I'm not emotionally ready." She didn't tell me about her ex proposing. I learned that 4 weeks later.

 

So there is the other side to this...the reboundee side. I understand not wanting it rubbed in your face. And it shouldn't be. In fact, if you haven't been in contact, and you have requested no contact, the new relationship should not be flaunted at all. If you are in contact, however, at some point it needs to be flaunted, with more than a "I have been dating" statement. It requires a "I've been seeing someone and like where it is going, so I feel it is best if we not be in contact so I can give this a shot. You are an amazing person." What you are told truly depends on your relationship with your ex.

 

The hard thing for me is my ex is STILL maintaining a friendship with her old ex. I can't imagine what he is going through. To this day, he doesn't know she was in a 6 month relationship with me. As far as he knows, she only went on a couple dates. I'm sure it will get back to him eventually, and when I learned of the proposal I almost told him myself, but I chose not to. 3 months after he asked for her back with the BALLS of a proposal, and they still talk probably twice a week. I can't imagine his pain and confusion.

 

Was I a rebound? Not necessarily. The fact that she didn't tell her ex about me was fishy and demonstrates she wasn't truly over him in my opinion. On the other hand, not all relationships work out. I do myself a disservice by telling myself I got screwed and it was a rebound. As tough as it is, I want to believe our relationship was real, but she realized we weren't right for each other (I had to learn the hard, dishonest way). She told mutual friends the ex had nothing to do with our breakup; she was resolute in that. I don't fully believe that for a second.

 

I guess I write this because depending on your contact with an ex, if they are in a new relationship, they are disrespecting their current partner by not informing you. There is a tactful way to inform, but it is more appropriate than not informing. Things get complicated when there are hot and cold signals from the ex, which is another reason for no contact.

 

Don't let her new relationship get to you. Remember why you dumped her. Tell yourself you want to be single and don't even care about dating, and that she is not going to be part of your life so what she does doesn't matter, because you don't want her in your life.

[Cossette4]

Spin,

 

Don't worry. Don't feel ridiculous. I've been going through this now for 8 months. I dated my one and only boyfriend from the ages of 16-22 and after 5+ years, he breaks up with me out of the blue and starts dating my total opposite ONE WEEK later. A week after that, they are moved in together. TRUST ME, I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE FEELING!

 

It sucks, but there are a couple of things you can do to help yourself, even though you can't control your ex and her new boyfriend.

 

1. Don't stalk. De-friend her on Facebook, or have the willpower not to look at it. Don't look at her friends' pages either. You are going to see pictures, comments, relationshop statuses, etc. that are going to put you back in that chair shaking. DON'T DO THAT TO YOURSELF.

 

2. Don't let your friends feed you the gossip about her life. You get all pumped up when you hear that she misses you, and then you get deflated when you find out she has a new boyfriend. If you request a play-by-play of her life, you are just going to end up feeling sick to your stomach later that night when you process the information.

 

3. Don't let your feelings leak out and get back to her. You don't want to lose your dignity by having it broadcast that you shake in chairs for hours because her relationship status changed on Facebook. Be the greatest actor you've ever been when you are out in public. (Obviously, the exception to this rule is if you have true friends/family to confide in when you are feeling down...but otherwise, ACT HAPPY.) I read somewhere that your feelings follow your behavior. Act happy, feel happy eventually.

 

4. Know there's a light at the end of the tunnel. No, I haven't seen it yet, but I KNOW it's there. This won't affect me forever and it won't affect you forever, either. Whenever it sucks really bad, know that it's temporary. You will NOT be on this forum 10 years from now still posting about this same situation. There will be happiness again for you!

[EC]

Sorry to hear you've had to go through this too; only now do I realise how heart-wrenchingly painful it is. Presumably that now makes it 7 months since you split up with her, are you even anywhere near to being over her?

 

I suppose this was always going to happen but I really didn't want to find out about it when it did, and the only reason I have is because she's put it right under my nose.

 

I can't help but feel ridiculous for feeling this upset over 3 months after breaking up. I just feel absolute disbelief. Worst of all, I think the guy she's with is the one who her mates claimed she'd cheated on me with (which of course, she denied... so never even got closure).

 

If only there were a way I could just click my fingers and forget she ever existed. All this is going to do is make me absolutely desperate to find someone else.

 

 

LOL Oh how many times have I not wished they would invent that "FORGET THEM PILL" lol

 

There really isn't much you could do but keep yourself busy and try not to rub it in your own face by going on facebook to see what he looks like or what he's written her. I know how it is.

 

If she was cheating on you with this guy and now she's dating him then hey look at it like this " Thank god you found out now so that you can find someone who is really worth it"

 

Regardless of anything TIME is the only thing that will make you feel better and it's how you spend that time that makes all the difference. Don't call her, don't accept her calls, and when your friends try and talk abotu her change the subject. Its hard the first few months but it will get better.

[Yernasia Quorelios]

A mantra worth repeating often is "I don't want someone who doesn't want me". Like most things, repeat it often enough and it will stick .

 

Good luck and hang in there.

[spinback]

Well I've done everything I can to stop her contacting me, and I've always been quite good at concealing my feelings.

 

I find it difficult, however, when people blurt information out about her and then seem to sit back and wait to see how I react. Most of my mates don't do it, but a few do - and it's obviously harder conceal my upset when they do. If I tell them not to, it just shows I'm still gutted. I'd love to genuinely feel completely unaffected but obviously that's far from possible.

 

oppath - it does help to see it from another perspective and while I have sympathy for your case in particular, I find it difficult to sympathise in the case of mine (if indeed she is rebounding) as I'm fairly confident this new guy is the guy she was cheating on me with, and the fact that he knew I'd been seeing her for over 2 years makes him morally inferior to a snail. And I don't think my ex is far of this remarkably low level either. In some respects, they are much better suited for one another.

 

What's messing with my head at the moment is why she's immediately tried to contact me on Facebook (about 4 times now) the minute she's got into a new relationship. Is she really doing that to rub it in my face? Hoping I'll be jealous? Or is she completely over me and genuinely wants to be friends? You'd have thought the fact that I've completely ignored/rejected her would have made it obvious I don't want that to happen... at least not for a good while longer. Every time I even read her name I get depressed, which is highly annoying considering a few weeks ago I was doing SO much better. It always seems to hurt most in the morning, when I wake up alone knowing they're probably waking up together.

 

It helps coming back here to read what people have said and every time I do, the pain I feel most of the damn-long-day subsides a bit, so thankyou again for all the support and advice.

[Cossette4]

I find it difficult, however, when people blurt information out about her and then seem to sit back and wait to see how I react. Most of my mates don't do it, but a few do - and it's obviously harder conceal my upset when they do. If I tell them not to, it just shows I'm still gutted. I'd love to genuinely feel completely unaffected but obviously that's far from possible.

 

Oh yeah I definitely have those kinds of people in my life right now. Like I said, it's been 8 months since it happened, so if I look mildly upset about it when stuff is mentioned, they will think I'm pathetic and "can't get over it."

 

Just this past week my friend called me and she's like, "OMG GUESS WHO I SAW!" And I was just like "......Who." Knowing full well I was going to hear his name and feel that hot sick feeling in my stomach. And she was like "Yeah him and the skank!! Me and my boyfriend saw them shopping for a sofa together!"

 

Awesome. So basically, with that little piece of information, I get to deal with the fact that they are still together, be reminded of the fact that they LIVE together and have been since 2 weeks into their relationship, be informed that apparently are getting even more serious as they are shopping for furniture together, and I get to be embarrassed and humiliated that my friend and her normal, loving boyfriend saw my ONCE normal, loving boyfriend turned creep ex out with his new girlfriend.

 

Just the way she told me the story made me feel like part of a Jerry Springer episode, and it really bothers me. Everyone treats it like a freakshow, and it is because what he's doing is absolutely crazy, but it still hurts that the person I loved for 5 years is now a crazy creepy weirdo dating an even crazier creepier weirdo and I get to hear all the *sightings* around town.