Guest Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 Reading this forum makes me sick...A friend sent me a link to this site and so here I am. This is my situation: My husband decided to contact a classmate in January. We were having a lot of problems: no passion, no communication, he didn't feel this and that, etc. So he turned to this other girl. For 2 months he talked to her every night on his laptop. I was in the same room as him and thought he was just working. He also talked to her on his work cell, while at work. In February he told me he didn't want to be married anymore. Well, we went back and forth for awhile. He agreed to counseling. So we started that. He completely lived a lie for those 2 months. Aside from January, he really was a devoted and loving man so this came as an absolute shock when I found out. Well, going on 2 months, one weekend he flew down to meet up w/ this broad and they got drunk and slept together. She also left her husband 2 weeks before she met up with him. WEll, I found out the night he came back by looking at his work cell & calling her at 12:30 am and THANKFULLY she admitted it all. So in 2 months, he threw away his family...he turned to someone else to make him feel what I wasn't, instead of coming ot me. Well, I left him and took our 1 yr old daughter. I moved states away back to my home town so I could function properly to take care of her. It's been 3 weeks. I have a good job now and am doing great here. Well, I guess he stopped talking to her about a week or more ago b/c she said she wanted to stop talking & figure out her feelings. Oh, and before I had left, he had said that he loved her & wanted to be with her (how in 2 months he could think all this b/c we had just been very much in love before things got bad). Well, last night he told me that he really regrets what he did. He says he is trying to straighten out in his mind what he did w/ her and how he really truly felt in regards to her...but he did say that he does regret what he did. That he would go back and change it to where he would of came to me instead of continuing to talk to her b/c we could of made things better. He says though that he doesn't think there's a chance anyways at making this better b/c I will never get over it. I told him that there's a possibility, but I dont know. He would have to move here and go to counseling. Now, is it really that possible that he is realizing now that his family is gone and he's alone in that house (this girl lives in another state), that he really did make a stupid decision? Should I even let him come here to try to make it work, if it comes down to that? I mean, does it show that he truly is serious if he quits his good paying job to move here to make things work? Or will I be a fool?
Izzar Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Guest, Please just keep this in mind. "Fool me once, shame on you - Fool me twice, shame on me" Be careful no matter what you decide.
smokenmirrors Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 The problem I would have with him is this, he only opened up to you after she "supposedly" decided she needed to "figure out her feelings" and stopped talking to him? Prior to that he loved her and wanted to throw away his marriage to be with her. To me, that translates to..."she dumped me and you are my old faithful backup". Sounds to me like she decided she might have made a mistake in her marriage (since you said she just left her husband also) and your H is left high and dry with nothing but you to crawl back to. JMHO. I agree with Izzar...be careful.
whichwayisup Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 He got a little taste of the other side, realized the fantasy was just that and reality now has hit him. He 'tried' out another woman, thinking he was inlove and wanted a life with her....OOPS. I guess he was wrong! Stay separated, let him sort out his stuff. He has to get his butt into therapy and figure out WHY he let that happen. He has to fix his own issues and deal with that before he can even ATTEMPT to gain your love, trust and respect again. I commend your strength, I bet none of this was easy on you!
bridget_jones Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 I don't have any advice but I am very sorry to hear what you are going through. It breaks my heart.
Sheba Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 I can certainly see how some people manage to forgive an affair and work on their marriage and get beyond it, however YOU were so hurt that you up and moved far away with your young child. So, maybe "getting beyond it" is just not possible for you? I don't think I could do it. I think if you reconcile you might just set yourself up to repeat the heartache you have just been through. Your husband sounds rather immature to me, since he was "in love" and ready to leave his family within two months of checking out the other side of the fence and is now apparently "out of love" and ready to return 3 weeks after you left him. At the very least, time is needed. Let him think about what he REALLY wants, while you do the same. You have a good job and are doing great, so there is no need for you to hurry back into his arms because he has made yet another snap decision.
outofdarkness Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 He got a little taste of the other side, realized the fantasy was just that and reality now has hit him. He 'tried' out another woman, thinking he was inlove and wanted a life with her....OOPS. I guess he was wrong! Stay separated, let him sort out his stuff. He has to get his butt into therapy and figure out WHY he let that happen. He has to fix his own issues and deal with that before he can even ATTEMPT to gain your love, trust and respect again. I commend your strength, I bet none of this was easy on you! ditto...stay apart and let HIM do what he needs to do to earn back your trust and change his whole outlook on life, women, etc...I would not compromise you sanity and your daughter's sense of security; yes...The do feel things even this young, and put yourself under that amount of stress right now.. You JUST got the chance to really work on yourself! Let HIM do what HE needs to do...THEN go to MC and set boundaries! If he strays again, I would seriously consider whether or not he has what it takes to be a half way decent hubby... Good luck to you...
hurting_in_nw Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Sorry to hear your story. I am in the middle of a very similar one, except my STBXW's OM was someone she only knew for a few weeks. There will most likely never be a second chance for her with me, I've already decided that. It would take some very strange circumstances for me to ever want to give her another chance. Plus, I think she's all too stubborn to admit she was wrong, and would likely stay with the OM out of spite just so she could justify what she's done to me in her own mind. I wish her luck, the OM is married too, but separated and supposedly has little contact with his W. If that's the case, I asked her, wouldn't you think he'd just get divorced? She's willing to divorce me, and we have kids, but there are no kids in the OM's marriage...something doesn't add up and she refuses to see it. Oh well, it's her loss, as you are to your ex. I say move on...
Guest Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Thank you guys...Well, after that night, he changed his tune. He then told me the next night that he was just lonely and all these other things...THen the next night he opened up and told me things about why he strayed...Then tonight it's a different story. I'm done...He has just messed me up so emotionally. I was doing good until he started this crap a few days ago. I feel even more torn up now than I did before. What kind of a person does this?
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