mommyof2 Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 Hi everyone; this is my first post. I've been married to my husband for 3 years. We have a 17 month old, and one on the way (I'm 6 months pregnant). My husband is in the military, and for the first 2 years our marriage was great. Then a year ago the military moved us to the middile of nowehere, and since we got here, most days I feel like I live in hell. The people at my husband's station are all asses, and he has come to hate his job. They treat him very badly, and he's just basically doing his time until he's out in a year. At first, I was mad about the situation, but now I'm just fed up with it. Anyway, my husband and I don't argue much, and I will say he is a great man. He adores our son, and I know would do anything for me, but the thing is that he works A LOT. I spend the entire day with my son alone at home, and then when my husband finally gets home from work at around 7pm, he's extremely tired. Once he's home, he takes care of our son so I can get a break, and then when our son goes to bed (around 8:30pm), he starts watching tv, or doing school work (we take classes online), until he eventually falls asleep. I feel so, so, so lonely, and I don't know how much longer I can take this for. I can't do anything or go anywhere during the day bc there's literally nothing to do in this stupid town where it's always raining, cold and dark. Besides that, we only have one car so even if i wanted to just drive I can't. I'm basially just very lonely. My husband and I are like roommates. We live in the same place but we don't do absolutely anything that couples do. He's always exhausted wanting to sleep, and I'm always alone at home. I've tried to talk to him about it but I don't think he really gets how I'm feeling, and I'm starting to get tired of tlking about it bc the fact is that he's in the military so there's nothing he can do to get us out of here or even try to work less hours. I feel like I just want to take my son and move back to FL where I have family and friends. I don't do it bc I feel bad that my husband would stay here by himself, and my son and him love each other so much it would break my heart to have them so far away from each other. Our plan is to move back to FL in a year, but I'm just not sure I can do one more year here, and I can't help but wonder if our relationship itself would improve in FL bc we just don't seem to really connect anymore. I know he loves me, and I love him, but there's just not passion, nothing. It's hi in the morning and good night at night. I'm so tired of this. We went to a counselor once and he said we're both depressed and needed to spend more time together as a couple. Well no family here or anyone we trust to care for our child so that's not possible either. Well I think I'm rambling here, I'm sorry if I'm not explaining myself enough, but I'm just stressed out and sad right now. I wish I could just pick up and leave.. If it was only that easy. Thank's for listening and for any input.
Gunny376 Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 To better advise you ~ what bracnh of the military and where are you currently stationed?
Author mommyof2 Posted April 3, 2007 Author Posted April 3, 2007 USCG - stationed in Oregon. My husband used to love his job. We were in CA before and it was great there; then we got here. After we'd been here for like a month he got a new boss who for some reason seems to hate my husband and loves to find excuses to make him stay late, complain and not let him advance. I feel so bad that my husband has to go to work every day and deal with all the crap he gives him. I often get furstrated and tell him "why don't you say something!!" and he always tells me "I can't, or I could, but it would only make it worst. There's no point". Its so furstrating no matter how I look at it and try to be positive. I hate (and I know that's an ugly word), but I really do feel like I hate my husband's boss. I had never met someone who enjoys making someone miserable this much. Its making me miserable as well and everything together often makes me feel like I just want to leave and start a new life. When I think about it in realistic terms though, I feel like I just wish things would just be better. I don't want to leave my husband, I don't want to feel this way, but at the same time, I just feel like I cannot take this for another year. Its driving me crazy.
quiet1one1 Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 MomX2, Please get individual counseling now (and maybe move into MC later). Join a woman's group, get a hobby or interest ... ANYTHING other than your kid, marriage, and husband. IMHO if you don't develop a life of your own outside the "home" you will end up divorced. Your life is hard and I know it's a tough time. Get some help and do something for YOU - you'll feel more energized by it and I think you'll find yourself better able to "fight the fight".
Ladyjane14 Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Don't tear your young family apart just because you're bored and anxious. Sorry if that sounds insensitive.. but essentially that's what it amounts to. There's an article you can print and read together with your husband that might help you explain to him better what you're looking for in a mate. Type into your browser the words "why women leave men, marriagebuilders" and you'll find it easily enough. You might also try a copy of The Five Love Languages by Chapman. It sounds like your "love language" might be "Quality Time". If so, when you don't get it, you're bound to feel unappreciated. Yes, it's lonely to move to a new town where you don't know anyone. But it's up to YOU to make something out of your life, whether you know every soul in town or not a one. Your husband isn't an entertainment unit, right? It sounds to me like the man is trying to provide a future for his family. It's not right to punish him unduly for something like that. If he's military, there's nothing much he can do to change the family's circumstances in an immediate way anyhow. BUT... you two can still support each other's emotional needs if you'll take the time to identify them. There's room for improvement and negotiation if you BOTH get in the game. In the meantime... beware of anxiety and make sure you label it correctly. It's normal for a woman to feel a bit nervous, even if it's not the first birth she's experienced. Second babies come with their own set of worries. Often, we wonder if we can experience as much love and devotion for another one as much as we did for our first, but rest assured... we do. You'll get through this. :bunny: All you've got to do is be a little more proactive. Try to get out of the house a little bit. Meet some other Moms. Get some sunshine when you can... (it'll do you good this time of year). Keep up your correspondence with friends and family. Set some individual goals for yourself too, in career or personal development. A well-rounded individual makes for a better partner.
Kwo-ne'-she Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 It sounds as if you love your husband, and are just depressed about the situation. Yes? I am in a similar situation (over a thousand miles from home, know no one here, bf is in the service). I agree with quiet1one1, you need to find something that interests you, stimulates your mind, and gives you a bit of a break from being a mom/wife. First, I would strongly urge you to find a babysitter. I know it is difficult to trust people with your child these days, and admire you for being wary of letting just anyone sit for your child. However, there are trustworthy people & places who can tend to your child for a few hours. Start searching for one that suits your needs and is affordable. Everyone, no matter how loving a parent, needs the occasional break from their children. It allows you to rest, do things that are for YOU, and gives couples a chance to just be a couple again for a few hours, or an evening. My second suggestion, since you are online, search for forums that are for military wives & family. There are a lot of us out here, and there are support groups galore. It helps to talk with other women who are going through the same things you are. They give advice, listen when you need to talk, or you can just discuss other "unimportant" issues. It's a network for socializing, and very helpful. Your husband could join too. Your husband works hard, has an obligation, and is unable to change his circumstances right now. If you love him, don't give up and walk away. I know how difficult it can be, living so far from family & not even having local friends to interact with. You have one year. You can do this. I have 4 more. LOL
Gunny376 Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Wow! The USCG in Oregon ~ that's rough duty for a Guardsman. That and the Washington state and Alaskan shoreline are some of the roughest shores of water there are. Part of the reason your DH's boss is so tough on him. There's no room for error there. Where the DH is stationed is "hard corps"[/sIZE] Not for weak minded nor the weak hearted. You should be proud that the DH even goes out in those waters. He's a very brave man. He's got a pair for sure and certain! The USCG is one of the most un-appreciated parts of the services. Its not even part of the Department of Defense ~ it’s a part of the Department of the Treasure, or was. Except in time of war. Now the new Department of Homeland Security. LJ is right, he needs to re-align his priorities! He's needs more "down-time" with you and the children. He needs to drop the schooling for now. And concentrate on you, the children and the marriage. Being CG, there's zero support there for you, like there is in the other military branches. And, so I can understand why you feel isolated and alone. Bottom line? Don't make short term decisions with long term consequents!
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