missmebaby Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 i am currently in a very confusing relationship. i dont really know what this guy wants from me, i dont know if hes with me for all the wrong reasons, and i dont know whether i should even want to stay with him. let me explain: we've been together now for 4 months. in the beginning he was the most amazing guy ive ever dated. he paid alot of attention to me, called and text messaged me alot, took me out to dinner alot, was always tellling me how much he liked me, and was always treating me good and making me feel like i was the only girl in the world. after 2 months he was telling me he loved me and wanted to marry me someday. he was always talking about the future with me and he seemed so crazy about me it seemed like he was obsessed with me and he started to get a little annoying. but i stuck around because he was such a great guy and he had had 2 very long relationships, never cheated on a girl, has a great job, etc and i thought he was someone i should be with. and i did really end up falling for him. well after about 3 months he started to act differently. he still called me often, but not as much. didnt ask to see me as often, stopped giving me lots of compliments and telling me how much he loved me, and basically paid less attention to me. but it was nothing big or even that noticeable so i figured he was just getting used to me. after about a week of him acting like that i woke up next to him one night at 4:30 in the morning to see him sitting up in bed wide awake. i asked him what he was doing and he said he was thinking about some things. so i asked him what he was thinking and he told me that he was thinking about how hes not ready to get married anytime soon or move in with me anytime soon. he said he wants to wait awhile. it really took me by surprise but i just told him i understood and that was fine. then a few days later he surprises me again by saying he thinks he wants to break up with me. he said that he had a dream about his ex girlfriend and he realizes he misses her and he feels guilty to me for feeling that way. he said he also sometimes feels like he just wants to be single. then later that night he calls me and says that he thinks its just a phase hes going through and the dream just really freaked him out and he does want to be with me. so everything is pretty good after that, a little awkward because i dont really know how to act around him. but i leave for vacation a few days later and im gone for a week. while i was away he called me every few hours, only went out one time with his friends, was always telling me he missed me and was worried about me, and text messaged me "i love you and miss you baby! have fun and come home soon." the night i came home he insisted on coming over when i got home at 2:00 in the morning because he wanted to see me and wanted to just "touch me and hold me." i told him that it was very late and i was exhausted and just wanted to go to bed but he got really mad and said ive been away for so long and i still didnt want to see him, and it must mean that i dont care about him, and he begged and begged to come over even if it was for 5 minutes just to see me. (he lives a half hour away). but i didnt give in and i said i was going to bed and i would talk to him tomorrow. that was 4 days ago and ever since then things have been kind of hot/cold with him. he took me out to dinner everyday since ive gotten home, and once for breakfast. saturday he had planned on seeing me but then called and asked if it would be ok to go away with his friend for the day/night. i said yea whatever i thought we had plans, but go ahead i wont be mad. so he changed his mind and said no i dont really wanna go, i want to see you and its supposed to rain anyways. sunday morning we wake up and hes very touchy and cuddly and apologizes for falling asleep so early last night. then he takes me to breakfast but it acting distant and different and keeps giving me these looks but wont tell me why. then we get home and he wants to go to sleep again so we take a nap for about 2 hours. this time when he wakes up hes very affectionate and just wants to cuddle and kiss me, and somehow we get on the subject of how he always dates younger girls. and he says "yea younger girls arent ready to get married yet, they just want to have fun and thats what im looking for. if i date a girl my own age she'll be begging me to get married after 6 months." i couldnt believe he was saying this because of how in the beginning of our relationship he had talked about marriage and our future all the time. so i said something to him about it and he said "yea guys always get caught up with a new girl in the beginning. but i finally realized it and thought whoa what did i do? and i knew i needed to slow things down. im just looking for someone who wants to have fun and have sex right now." i was stunned that he was saying all this especially because he was always saying i would be his future wife but i just told him thats fine, im not looking to get married soon either. so then takes me out to lunch. when we get back i tell him im going to go home but he begs me to stay so i do and we hang out the whole day and he keeps calling me baby and saying i love you so much, and kissing my forehead and everything is going great. he keeps staring into my eyes and smiling at me and keeps saying thank you for spending the whole day with me, it was kinda nice. then he offers to take my car and use his own money and fill my tank up with gas. when i leave that night he calls me and tells me to look in the glove compartment and in there he left another $20. he said he knows im low on money right now and he wants to help me out and take care of me. really i just dont understand this guy at all, or his intentions with me. one minute hes all about me and the next he seems freaked out and distant. hes almost 25 years old, i thought dating an older guy would be slightly easier but he doesnt seem to know what he wants. another thing that really bothers me about this guy is that there are times when he wants to have sex with me and i dont. we always have sex at least twice a night which i am fine with, but around the third or fourth time it starts to really hurt and i tell him no i dont want to. i dont know if he doesnt take me seriously or what but he usually ends up forcing my legs apart and forcing it in. hes not like really rough with me or anything and ive never been like NO SERIOUSLY STOP, so i dont feel like hes raping me or anything. its possible that he doesnt think im serious when i say no, but i usually say no i dont want to, seriously it kind of hurts and sometimes i try to get away but we always end up doing it anyways because he wont quit. then there have been a couple times when we have had unprotected sex and ive told him "do not cum inside me, seriously make sure you pull out" but he cums inside me anyways and gives me this big smile when hes done like he doesnt expect me to be mad. basically i need some advice as to whether or not to stay in this relationship and what this guy actually wants from me and whether or not we have a future!
polywog Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 First of all, 25 is really not very old for a guy, or anyone. You didn't say how old you are, but you must be pretty young. I've had similar relationships to yours. He is probably just terribly conflicted, and obviously not very mature. His feelings of wanting to marry you are probably sincere, but so are the conflicting feelings of wanting to fool around. He is not mature enough to really know what he wants. He was/is swept up in the love/infatuation. Nothing wrong with that, but it's like a drug. I don't really know what to tell you, but my instinct is that it might be a good idea to cool it for now. When we're swept up in the infatuation we can't see clearly. But geez, I know it will be hard. Hope others post more clear advice for you!
Enema Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 He sounds like an immature, possessive, insecure *******. Also seems like anything he says/does/suggests you just say "ok" and go along with it. I don't think this relationship is healthy at all.
Lauriebell82 Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 i know how u feel. my bf is 25 as well. when we first started dating he talked about getting married and children ect. now 8 months later he says he doesnt want to get married for awhile because he wants to maintain some independence and he is still young. so yes its confusing when a guy tells u how much he loves u, but is not sure what he wants. what i did was tell my bf that i wouldnt take away his independence. its ok if he didnt want to get married right now(neither do i for at least another year or 2) i took the understanding gf point of view and it worked because he said he loves me and doesnt want to be without me. as far as the sex thing goes, that is a red flag to me. do u guys not use condoms? are u on birth control? cause a guy not respecting ur wishes regarding pulling out really doesnt sound like a decent guy. do u know what his angle is? does he want to get u pregant on purpose? make him put on a condom and if he says no than dont have sex with him and/or break up with him. u dont need that. yes i know 25 year old guys are confusing. they are old enough to think about marriage, but still have issues with committing to it. it sucks, but if u really love the guy than tell him what i told my bf and see how he reacts.
soulseeker Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 Aside from everything else going on, i.e. his hot/cold behavior, I think you need to get the f**k away from this guy. HUGE HUGE red flags here!! Sex...should AWALYS be consensual and from what you have described here, it is not with you two. Maybe is not raping you, but you are saying no and he doesnt stop? Then he grins like he just got away with something??? He DOES NOT respect you at all, hell I doubt he even loves you. Sorry if I sound insensitive, but this seems like it could spiral out of control. And it makes me sick that he says stuff like, younger girls just want to have fun, etc. He is saying that so he doesnt feel guilty using you. It's like he's thinking, well I told her what I was after and she stuck around, so it's ok. Obviously you are not OK with this or you wouldnt be here asking for advice. Please follow your gut on this one. Even if he loved you, treating you this way, is this the kind of future you would want with someone?? Am I wrong on this? Guys, please chime in with your thoughts. Is this how you treat a woman you love and respect?
Author missmebaby Posted April 2, 2007 Author Posted April 2, 2007 well im not ready to break it off with him just yet. the disrespectful things that hes done have only happened twice, and im not sure if he even took me seriously when i said to stop. im going to be very careful though. it just makes it so hard for me to believe that maybe he is just using me, or keeps me around just for someone to have fun with. he doesnt go out with his friends anymore, he calls me at least 5 times a day, hes always taking me out spending money on me, even when hes not in the mood to have sex he will cuddle with me and kiss me and tell me he loves me. also, he says things like when we have "our" own house, and "our" own kids someday. just driving in his truck he is always holding my hand, and he just takes off in my car and goes and fills it up with gas with his own money. its always him talking about our future together, i never initiate that kind of conversation, and usually hes the one to say i love you. that just seems like an awful lot to do for someone you dont love or care about. hes a very very attractive guy and he could get tons of girls and he knows it. if he just wanted to have fun, wouldnt he be going out with his friends and maybe looking for someone else? im thinking that when he calls me later i will tell him ive been thinking alot about what he said about just wanting to have fun and i will ask him what his intentions are with me. am i just a piece of a*s? am i just a rebound? am i someone to hang out with so he doesnt get lonely? or does he see a future with me? im so scared to bring this up because i dont want to seem insecure and i know guys hate talking about this kind of thing. after we had such a great day together yesterday i dont want to make things weird between us again. theres one thing that keeps popping up in my mind that would explain the way hes treating me. his ex girlfriend. see, everyone told me how great of a guy he is and how he will take care of me. and i saw at the beginning of our relationship how great of a guy he is so i figure there has to be a reason why hes so hot/cold with me. hes had a 5 year relationship and a 2 year relationship. i guess he was very much in love with the girl from the 2 year relationship and he told me everything was perfect with them and they were planning on buying a house together and getting married. he told me she was the perfect girl but suddenly she left him for his best friend. he told me he was devastated and got very very depressed and drank a whole case of beer every night and just partied like crazy with his friends to try and forget her. he didnt sleep, didnt eat, and cried alot. that was a year and a half ago that they broke up but he still slept with her a few times until a month or so before he met me, because they had some big fight or something and stopped talking. shes still currently dating the guy that used to be his best friend. i dont really know the whole story. hes talked about her quite a few times but i never thought anything about it because i talked about my ex too and it seemed like he was over her anyways. but then he had a dream about her and he got to thinking about her again and admitted that he missed her. then i got to wondering if hes been feeling that way the whole time we've been together. im the first girl hes been in a relationship with since her. shes a very beautiful petite girl and ive honestly never heard him say a bad thing about her. i feel like i will never be able to live up to her and i think that she is part of the reason that hes acting so weird with me. whether hes not over her, or is just scarred from what happened with them. any thoughts on whether or not i should have that talk with him tonight or just let it go and see how things go? is there anything else i should say to him or some way i should act around him? and his ex girlfriend, what do you think about that situation?
whichwayisup Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 I hate to tell you this, but chances are he's still intouch with his ex girlfriend. This is YOUR relationship too, so if you want this to work out, talk to him. Who cares if it's weird and uncomfortable. Atleast you'll know wtf is really going on. Be firm, but not cruel. Be strong, but definately hear his side of things. ASK him how he truely feels about you - AND TELL him how you feel about him, and that if he isn't as into you as he once was, to just be honest about it and say it. To pull the come here, go away game he's doing is bullcrap.
bridget_jones Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 Honestly.....I think he's just using you for sex. He technically broke up with you, right? so now there's no relationship, it's kinda FWBs or something? His smug smile after sex sort of does make me think he is using you for sex as long as you'll stick around for it. Plus, what if you did get pregnant? Are you prepared to have a child with this guy - doesn't sound like he'd be very reliable as a dad to your child. Don't agree to have sex with him ever, without a condom. The pullout method is really unreliable anyway. I would run....far, far away from this man and don't look back. You can do better.
Author missmebaby Posted April 2, 2007 Author Posted April 2, 2007 no we are back together. we got back together the same day we broke up. he said he thinks he was just going through a weird phase where he was questioning our relationship but since then things have been pretty good. like today just since ive posted on here hes already called me 4 times and acted like a total sweetheart saying hey baby and i love you baby and telling me hes going to take me to the beach this summer and making plans to take me out to dinner this weekend. i think im going to have a talk with him tonight on the phone and see what he says. hes a pretty blunt person so i think he'll tell me the truth. this is so hard for me to understand. ive had a few girls tell me hes such a good guy and he'll take care of me, etc. And at the beginning of our relationship he was so amazing and loving and respectful. i cant believe that hes acting like this, why with me??? im a nice, clean, very non slutty, attractive, outgoing, fun girl. i would do almost anything for my boyfriend so i dont understand why hes changed???
Lauriebell82 Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 And at the beginning of our relationship he was so amazing and loving and respectful. i cant believe that hes acting like this, why with me??? guys put on their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship. once u get past the honeymoon period u see ur SO's less desirable, a-hole tendencies. thats when u have to decide whether or not those qualities are something u can live with. i suggest talking to him and asking if anything is wrong. this may give u some answers as to his behavior. u might want to consider that maybe this is actually who he is. once u take off the rose colored love glasses things become a whole lot clearer.
soulseeker Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Ok, I'm not saying you are doing this, but if you find yourself making excuses about him to yourself, that is something to consider as well. And, I dont care if the disrespectful sex only happened twice, that's not something you pull on someone you love and respect, it's just not. Just be careful, this isnt something that you want to hang around for and see if it happens again. "guys put on their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship. once u get past the honeymoon period u see ur SO's less desirable, a-hole tendencies. thats when u have to decide whether or not those qualities are something u can live with. i suggest talking to him and asking if anything is wrong. this may give u some answers as to his behavior. u might want to consider that maybe this is actually who he is. once u take off the rose colored love glasses things become a whole lot clearer." Excellent advice there, for women and men. "this is so hard for me to understand." Sometimes you dont need to understand why something is happening, you just have to realize it is happening.
Gunny376 Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Enema He sounds like an immature, possessive, insecure *******. Also seems like anything he says/does/suggests you just say "ok" and go along with it. I don't think this relationship is healthy at all. Dump this guy~ he's a loser! Tell him to get back in touch with you in 20 or 30 years when he's got his head together.
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