WoundedWild Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 I know that you all cant really "diagnose" him, but what I am looking for is an understanding of what is the matter with him, because it clearly is something, but I just cant place my finger on it. It is becoming disturbing though, and its making me nervous. Some of the things I have observed are: 1. becoming clingy to the point of smothering and then when I mention for him to back off a bit, he gets extremely hostile and angry 2. when a situation happens that is not favorable to him, he becomes very hostile with me as if I caused it all, even when it has nothing to do with me. The situations that affect him the most are the ones pertaining to me and him being restricted from hanging out, calling him, or not having contact with him for an extended period of time. 3. I work all day (he does too) and he becomes extremely agitated when I cant call him as often as I used to do, as it is very busy during this time of year for me. When I do call him, and I have to get off the phone, he is very reluctant to get off the phone with me, until I flat out become upset because he wont let me hang up, and I react sometimes harshly. 4.When I tell him that I have to do something, and will call him later, he seems disturbed by this, becoming quiet and distant, I tell him when I will be going (as in 2:00 I have to be at the doctors office) and he seems to completely disregard that, and call right at that time, or around that time, or even drive by, to give me something, or etc, anything it seems to disrupt what I have going on. I know that cant be the case, but it seems to happen so often, I am starting to think it is done on purpose. 5. When the above happens, and I get grouchy because of it, and refuse to talk with him, or meet with him (because of trying to get to the appointment on time for example), that sends him into a weird state of affairs, where he will go into this weird crying jag,(never on the phone or in front of me, but I can tell he has been crying) and it just upsets him so much that a fight will ensue for the next 6 hours (I am not exaggerating) over a seemingly small issue that I already warned him about....(such as the doctors appt at 2:00 that I almost missed) 6. He is perfectly content waiting around for me for hours and hours to finish what I have to do at work, or other times, such as a nail appointment I had-He actually waited there for 3 hours until it was finished to see me for 10 minutes after that, after I already told him that I had to go straight home when I was finished. He then gets mad that I only spent 10 minutes with him when he waited 3 hours with me..but I already told him when he called that I was going to this appointment, and how long it would take, and then I had to go right home. 7. If for some reason I cant see him for a day, he makes me feel vaguely threatened until I do relent and see him. I cant really explain it, but he sort of coerces me into seeing him, or at least thats how I feel. For every thing I say, he has an answer for that. If I tell him I am tired, and dont feel good, he will tell me I can sleep at his place, and he will make me soup. If I tell him I would rather be alone right now, he tells me that he will go in the other room and leave me alone, if I tell him that I am depressed and dont want company, he tells me he will make me laugh or we will watch a funny movie. Its getting to the point I have to make up stuff just to have time for myself, and usually that involves other people, like I have to help my elderly neighbor cook, and that is when he will usually drive by and tell me to go outside for a few minutes, or call every 15 minutes. If I dont relent, and either see him for at least a little bit, or talk to him for an hour, he will get that sour mood I mentioned in # 5. 8. I dont take time off of work very often, but when I have to because of something unavoidable, such as an appointment with a bank, he gets defensive and hurt with me because I didnt make the appointment for a day or time when he finishes around that time, or a day he can take off. He doesnt come right out and say he is miffed, but I can tell, by his distant attitude, and then later on he will say something like "next time you should try to make the appointment for a time I will be off too", in a jokey manner (only its not really jokey to me) I try to remind him that I have to take the time I get, its not a pick or choose type of thing unless I want to wait 3 weeks, he tells me "then that is what you should do" (still in a jokey manner, but I can tell he is serious, because if I dont, then hours of sulking will ensue) **Please help me understand this man. I am at the end of my rope with patience, and my nerves are shot.
JackJack Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 It could be a number fo things. But the fact you say your nerves are shot from all this, is a pretty good indication this might not be something you need in your life. Sounds very unhealthy.
Author WoundedWild Posted April 2, 2007 Author Posted April 2, 2007 It could be a number fo things. Like what?
quankanne Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 is this a friend you hang out with, or someone you date? ... just trying to keep this in perspective before I answer completely.
Trialbyfire Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 Whether this is a relationship with a friend or mate, this person is solely dependent on you to make him happy. Not very healthy.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 I had a friend in a relationship like this. She was feeling more and more suffocated and controlled. Finally she broke it off iwth him after trying for a few months. Each time she would try to break it off he would come up with all kinds of reasons that she shouldn't. He went beserk when she finally changed phone numbers and threatened to call the police. First he bought her an engagement ring, and when that didn't work he basically started stalking her, leaving 10 and 12 page letters on her car at home and at work. Be very careful, someone like this is difficult to get rid of.
whichwayisup Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 He sounds selfish, yet caring (TOO caring) and really wants to be around you as much as possible. He's insecure and has to have his ego fed by you, to make sure that you NEED him. Your free time isn't for you, it's all for him. (In his mind I bet that he is how looks at it.) You wanting or needing alone time he just doesn't get and takes it personally. If you back off of him, he's going to react. Best thing is to be clear and honest with him - Let him know that what he is doing is starting to bother you. If he gets really mad, then explain to him that it's HIS problem, not yours and that if he can't respect you then maybe it's best to end the relationship. Are there any GOOD qualities this guy has?
Author WoundedWild Posted April 2, 2007 Author Posted April 2, 2007 is this a friend you hang out with, or someone you date? ... just trying to keep this in perspective before I answer completely. This is my close friend that I hang out with that wants to date me, but the timing is not right for us right now. Are there any GOOD qualities this guy has? yes..plenty of good ones, thats what the problem is. He would be the perfect catch, and in fact was, until this stuff started surfacing. Now I am just creeped out. he is honest, very loving, very caring, sweet, creative, intelligent, I could go on and on. I had a friend in a relationship like this. She was feeling more and more suffocated and controlled. Finally she broke it off iwth him after trying for a few months. Each time she would try to break it off he would come up with all kinds of reasons that she shouldn't. He went beserk when she finally changed phone numbers and threatened to call the police. First he bought her an engagement ring, and when that didn't work he basically started stalking her, leaving 10 and 12 page letters on her car at home and at work. Be very careful, someone like this is difficult to get rid of. Yikes....I dont think this is the case with me...your poor friend! If he gets really mad, then explain to him that it's HIS problem, not yours I have done this when it gets to be too much but it just adds fuel to the fire and he ends up taking the matyr stance.
JackJack Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 he is honest, very loving, very caring, sweet, creative, intelligent, I could go on and on. Those are good qualities, HOWEVER don't overlook the way he is being with you in the other things you listed. If he is that controling and needy right now, chances are it will only get worse. Unless he is willing to make some big changes within himself. I have done this when it gets to be too much but it just adds fuel to the fire and he ends up taking the matyr stance. Sounds like he doesn't want to hear what you have to say. That is also not good. It has to be your call on wheather you want to continue on with this friendship. I can tell you from experience, at some point, it will drain you dry.
EC Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 This is my close friend that I hang out with that wants to date me, but the timing is not right for us right now. yes..plenty of good ones, thats what the problem is. He would be the perfect catch, and in fact was, until this stuff started surfacing. Now I am just creeped out. he is honest, very loving, very caring, sweet, creative, intelligent, I could go on and on. Yikes....I dont think this is the case with me...your poor friend! I have done this when it gets to be too much but it just adds fuel to the fire and he ends up taking the matyr stance. Wow I Had a 'friend' like this and did it get UGLY! I was single and lonely at the time and we were introduced through a mutual friend. We started hanging out as friends and I thought the same things as you about your friend. He was loyal, sweet, understanding, intelligent. But I always knew something was just off. Soon enough he asked me out and I told him right now was not the time because I was going through things but that we could still be friends. ( first mistake! I should have cut him off completely then ) Then he wanted to be my "friend" at all times. He would get mad if I didn't call. he would show up at my house unannounced, show up at my job with lunch. Then i would feel guilty when I wanted to tell him to leave me alone. It also got to the point that I had to make up things thats i had to do so I could 'escape' He would have an ANSWER for EVERYTHING! And since I am so used to being nice and not hurting anyones feelings it was very difficult to cut him off. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore! I told him i didn't plan on dating him anytime soon. And he explained he was sticking around so I wouldn't forget about him when the time WAS right. OMG~ lol I told him not now..not any time. he still didn't get the point. It wasn't until I called a friend of mine to pretend to be my new bf. He pretended to be my bf and picked up when he called. I then explained that I had met someone and that he was really jealous. I know it sounds mean but this guy would not quit! He even stayed parked in my driveway once to see if it was true that i couldn't hang out with him because I had to babysit! If you really don't like him 'that way' and never will...Then you need to cute him off ASAP! Or you will never stop having those small panic attacks everytime he calls Seriously its not healthy.
Totoro Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 Sounds like a stalker or stalker-in-the-making. I had a male "friend" like this in high school, and though he wasn't as bad as this guy, it was very creepy. Sorry it has turned out like this. You should probably get out while you can. Don't be afraid to get a restraining order if it gets really ugly...
boshemia Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 At the very least it is seriously co-dependent behavior, but this is really rather extreme. Here are two sites you can check out for more information, but I am strongly urged to warn you to proceed with caution... situations like this can get dangerous very quickly. Co-dependency information http://www.recovery-man.com/coda/symptoms.htm Info on abusive personalities http://www.drirene.com/abuserpages.htm Which would be the most likely options, if those don't sound like your friend try this quiz for more severe personality disorders. http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv However having an idea of what issues your friend may have wont help them, even if you show them the information they may not respond. I think it might be important to know what you are up against before you get into a dangerous situation... better safe than sorry.
Starry-eyed Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 THE GUY IS A STALKER! FIND AN EXIT STRATEGY, QUICK! And stop letting him manipulate you so.
Guest Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Its definately control issues. If you start dating him its only going to get worse. Look how he is now and you are only friends. Do NOT pursue this relationship or one day you are gonna wake up years down the line and not know just how isolated from everyone and everything else you've become because of his so called insecurity. Or because of how much he loves you and wants you to himself. Unfortunately women fall for that everyday. Just by posting and asking your gut is trying to warn you. Listen to it.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 AWWW GEEEZ Boshema! I start my day off only to find I have a personality disorder! MAN, thanks for that! :lmao:
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