Izzar Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Exactly WWIU. Children should not be used as an excuse for anything. A MM or MW staying for the kids, will eventually make the kids feel like they are the cause of their parent's unhappiness. OD doesn't realize that he's using staying for his kids as an excuse. I feel bad for the kids if/when they find out the truth.IMO, the longer you wait the greater the hurt.
whichwayisup Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 OD doesn't realize that he's using staying for his kids as an excuse. It's all about him, not his kids, not his wife and not his OW. If he truely wanted to put his kids first, he would suck it up and fix his marriage. Maybe I'm old fashioned or just see marriage differently, but when having kids, THEIR needs come first, well beyond your own happiness.
Trialbyfire Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 OD doesn't realize that he's using staying for his kids as an excuse. I feel bad for the kids if/when they find out the truth.IMO, the longer you wait the greater the hurt. Yes, I know an affair/divorce situation where one of the three daughters, the sixteen year-old, tried to commit suicide because her father had told the kids that he stayed in the marriage for them. She had always revered him so she was torn between the two parents, loving/having loyalty to her mother and loving/hating/feeling guilty about her father. It finally came out in therapy after this happened. It was very sad and unnecessary.
herenow Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 It's all about him, not his kids, not his wife and not his OW. If he truely wanted to put his kids first, he would suck it up and fix his marriage. Maybe I'm old fashioned or just see marriage differently, but when having kids, THEIR needs come first, well beyond your own happiness. WWIU, you have to admit that this story sounds fishy. Even when we heard it from YSM (strangely in the same words), it didn't sound right. He will leave soon, but not now. Neither YSM or OD has ever answered the question of why he doesn't leave now. I think that is a very important question to be answered, and they both avoid it and say it's what's best for the kids. Well, if he's planning on leaving soon, how is that best for the kids?
Sheba Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Oh my - I am so confused. Are YSM and OD really the same person, trying out the story from two different angles???? Whether or not they are two different people, I do think this whole story lacks the ring of truth, as it has been told so far. WHAT, pray tell, is going on with the "one child" that makes this business of staying for that child so very crucial? Is there really some "thing" occuring in the child's life that would make it not ok for Daddy to leave now, but it will be ok-ish in a couple of years"? I would like to know what that thing is, exactly. If it is some medical crisis, I wonder at a parent who is so distracted from his family at a time when his child is so ill. I can't think of any other crisis that has a potential two year time limit. I suspect that if OD is really YSM's MM then he might be using this forum to feed YSM a little extra BS to keep her waiting patiently. I could be wrong, of course, but if I were YSM I would consider this child's "thing" very very carefully.
whichwayisup Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 I do believe that it's her MM, I just think that he isn't being truthful with her or his wife. He's only thinking of himself. His reasonings of not wanting to leave now (cuz of the kids) and saying the time isn't right - MUST mean that he is playing something at home so his wife doesn't screw him over and take him for a ride. I doubt either of them will share the real reason.
whichwayisup Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 I suspect that if OD is really YSM's MM then he might be using this forum to feed YSM a little extra BS to keep her waiting patiently. I could be wrong, of course, but if I were YSM I would consider this child's "thing" very very carefully. That is why I suggested for him to go back and read ALL her previous posts. Atleast if he does that, he'll (maybe) understand HER and see WTF he's doing to her. Yes, she is allowing it all to happen too, but she's inlove and obviously thinks he's worth waiting for. One thing I don't understand, after all that's said and done - If I were YSM, I don't think I could ever trust MM fully. If his marriage vows didn't make him stay in the marriage, having kids didn't make him stop cheating and betraying his whole family, how the heck can someone start a new life with someone who is so capable of leading two women on so selfishly? Yes, I know this is a harsh read...
BenThereDunThat Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 I don't know what it is about these two that always brings me out of hiding. There are only a "couple" of "OW's" here "lucky" enough to get their MM's to start threads professing their undying love, oh if it just weren't for the CHILDREN....blah, blah, blah. Cool with me though, I was starting to get bored with LS for a while there.
Sheba Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Well, some obscure allusions to the "best interests of ONE of my children", and "an important time in one child's life that could affect them" would not satisfy me if I were YSM. I hope she has sought more information than THAT. Or, perhaps she is content to be the OW because she is herself a commitmentphobe or a one of those people who thrive on drama? I was feeling very sorry for her throughout the first part of this thread, but it occurs to me now how lame the MM's story is - as told here, in any case.
herenow Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 I don't know what it is about these two that always brings me out of hiding. There are only a "couple" of "OW's" here "lucky" enough to get their MM's to start threads professing their undying love, oh if it just weren't for the CHILDREN....blah, blah, blah. Cool with me though, I was starting to get bored with LS for a while there. Hi BTDT. I miss you! I don't hang out here much anymore either, but I couldn't help myself on this one. OH NO, maybe I like drama. I think I need some help. :lmao:
Sheba Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Well, I WAS the OW, briefly, and my current husband was the OM for a little longer. My current husband left his then wife about 4 or 5 weeks after our relationship started. I waited until my kids had finished school for the year before I separated from my first husband. In the mean time, for those who are curious, we did not have sex with or sleep with our spouses after starting our relationship with each other. Those marriages were at death's door anyway, or we would not have "found" each other, I believe. Yes, we did both deceive our spouses. In fact STILL they don't know that the relationship started while we were living in our marriages as we were very discreet until we had both been separated for many months. We were secretive partly out of kindness (I was leaving my husband anyway, why stick the knife in any deeper?) and partly so that my current husband could stay on good terms with the mother of his children so that he could establish a shared parenting arrangement. So, sometimes people do leave their spouses for their OW/OM, but the leaving in our cases was done as quickly and cleanly as possible. Anyway, this thread is VERY compelling. I rarely respond to threads, just read and ask. But this one has me going too.
BenThereDunThat Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Hi BTDT. I miss you! I don't hang out here much anymore either, but I couldn't help myself on this one. OH NO, maybe I like drama. I think I need some help. :lmao: Back at ya! haha, I love the drama....as long as it's someone else's, no more for me, thank you!
Author openingday Posted April 3, 2007 Author Posted April 3, 2007 I really had no intentions to come back here. I now see how things can get on here. As far as YSM. She didnt know I was coming on here. I took the time to get on here when she wasnt around to maybe enlighten some people that the so called excuse "staying for the children" isnt a lie. But does exist. I did mention her by name. And IMO she came on here once she read the post regarding that. Someone mentioned I should go back and look at her threads. I have. Not to mention I see her everyday and see the effect it has on her. And yes I am terrified that one day she will say to hell with it all and leave. You want to attack someone fine attack me for going about things the wrong way. As far as why I am staying there is a very important reason. That she is aware of and does agree with. The wait isnt long. I have asked her time and time again not to come to this forum. Not to read and express ideas and stories but because of the effect and aftermath it creates. I did come on here in peace to tell my side and answers some questions. I hope you dont welcome all your new comers in such a manner.
outofdarkness Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 I really had no intentions to come back here. I now see how things can get on here. As far as YSM. She didnt know I was coming on here. I took the time to get on here when she wasnt around to maybe enlighten some people that the so called excuse "staying for the children" isnt a lie. But does exist. I did mention her by name. And IMO she came on here once she read the post regarding that. Someone mentioned I should go back and look at her threads. I have. Not to mention I see her everyday and see the effect it has on her. And yes I am terrified that one day she will say to hell with it all and leave. You want to attack someone fine attack me for going about things the wrong way. As far as why I am staying there is a very important reason. That she is aware of and does agree with. The wait isnt long. I have asked her time and time again not to come to this forum. Not to read and express ideas and stories but because of the effect and aftermath it creates. I did come on here in peace to tell my side and answers some questions. I hope you dont welcome all your new comers in such a manner. Well...we try to offer our honest opinions in a respectful way, but sometimes, when dealing w/ a heated topic like A's...That's just too hard and painful for too many here. I don't understand your need to come on a public forum and declare you love for your OW and defend her. Against whom??? IMO, if you see her upset, it's most likely b/c we DO give our honest OPs and it can hurt and really hit home and push buttons. An A is just that an Affair! No matter what spin you put on it, how many excuses you give, how often you declare your love for the OW, etc...it will always be a fact that you cheated on your W. You stood somewhere, a church mabey, and exchanged vows w/ your W...IMO, you at least could have showed her to respect and compassion to tell her of the A so that she had the choice of whether or not to stay from the get go. I said before, if you wanted out and the M was bad when the A started, why didn't you just leave and THEN have the R? I am very interested to know how your R with your OW goes after you have finally left your W. IMO, part of the appeal of an A is that it is secretive...and it's sort of like being a teen again w/ the butterflies, etc...I have heard some success stories on here, but more often, I have heard stories of heartbreak when the MM leaves his W to be w/ the OW...It changes the whole dynamic... Lastly, if you want to come here and post, then I think you need to expect to be "flamed" by some...It's just part of the whole deal...Don't feel like you need to defend your OW here...I would save that for the people that you love, as you will have some explaining to do whenever you do decided to leave. I can think of a zillion other things to add, but I am not a very outspoken poster most of the time...I wish you both luck...I think you will need it...
herenow Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 As far as YSM. She didnt know I was coming on here. I took the time to get on here when she wasnt around to maybe enlighten some people that the so called excuse "staying for the children" isnt a lie. But does exist. Seems you have a habit of doing things behind the backs of people you say you love. First your wife (I'm assuming at one point she thought you loved her) and now you are coming here without YSM knowing. She did say she wasn't happy about it. Do you always deceive people who care about you? Also, as far as I see, no one was asking about YSM. She admits she hasn't been here in a while, so why do you feel the need to "enlighten" anyone? Everyone, including myself, has said that there are exceptions. No one ever said that it never happens, we just said that it RARELY happens. So what is the point of your thread? And, if you are here to answer questions, why won't you answer the one about why it's so important to stay for one child? You are getting "flamed" because you are being vague in your so called answers (just like YSM always is).
Author openingday Posted April 3, 2007 Author Posted April 3, 2007 I didnt and have not deceived and NEVER will YSM. I dont tell her everytime I take a crap. But in your eyes is that deceiving her? I mentioned her on here. That was me. Just so we can set the record straight. I did not use the letter A as a reference to the word affair. My answers I feel are not vague. But I do not feel the need of giving out every bit of my personal information. I in my opinion I felt my answers were enough for this type of format. Was enlightening on the so-called excuse phrase many of you state. Seems you have a habit of doing things behind the backs of people you say you love. First your wife (I'm assuming at one point she thought you loved her) and now you are coming here without YSM knowing. She did say she wasn't happy about it. Do you always deceive people who care about you? Also, as far as I see, no one was asking about YSM. She admits she hasn't been here in a while, so why do you feel the need to "enlighten" anyone? Everyone, including myself, has said that there are exceptions. No one ever said that it never happens, we just said that it RARELY happens. So what is the point of your thread? And, if you are here to answer questions, why won't you answer the one about why it's so important to stay for one child? You are getting "flamed" because you are being vague in your so called answers (just like YSM always is).
JustBreathe Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 So... does your wife know you are still seeing the OW even though she asked you not to? Have you been completely honest with your wife that you love someone else and do not intend to give her up and in fact are still seeing her?
Author openingday Posted April 3, 2007 Author Posted April 3, 2007 I was honest with her. So... does your wife know you are still seeing the OW even though she asked you not to? Have you been completely honest with your wife that you love someone else and do not intend to give her up and in fact are still seeing her?
Izzar Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Ok, YourVagueness, Good luck with everything & please keep us posted down the road.
JustBreathe Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 I agree with you Izzar. Seems he can't give me a direct answer. Yes or No is apparently not in his vocab. What was he honest with her about? That he loved his OW? That he was going to leave his wife for her? That he had no intention of giving her up? My guess is his wife doesn't know he's still seeing the OW, therefore, he is deceiving her and not being honest at all. Good luck to his OW if in fact she does come here as more than likely he won't be completely honest with her either. I wonder if it even enters his mind that the kindest thing to do for both women is to go ahead and divorce his wife NOW, whether she is amenable to it or not, as this will give her the opportunity to find someone who can love her like she deserves to be loved. Instead, he lies to both and keeps them tied to him. How very sad for those women. As for being a good father, well a good father respects his children's mother and treats her fairly. If he doesn't love her, he should do the right thing and LEAVE.
HappyAtLast Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 and she really is the most important person in the world to you, you would not disrespect her by living with and sleeping with another woman (your wife). When I fell in love with my OW there were no choices to make, I could no more be without her than I could be without air. It really is that simple.
Trialbyfire Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 OD, I'm honestly not certain why you bothered with this thread. There's no honesty, only vagueness. If need to know is your criteria for communicating, I hope this isn't the way you handle either one of your relationships. It pretty much sums up how you feel about people in general, almost a contempt for their abilities to process full information. You may want to read the threads about narcissists. I've also enclosed the Wikipedia version of it. Hopefully it will be of some interest and possibly some concern. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissism
JustBreathe Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Right on TBF. He is being vague and dishonest with both women. So you meet someone else. So you fall in love with that person and want to be with them. That happens sometimes. Sometimes it really does happen that the person you married is simply wrong for you. But be honest about it. Don't string both women along while you sit on the fence and make dumb excuses about why you won't leave. Narcissist. I would agree with that assessment as he is using both women, each one feeds a different need inside him. He is using them for what they bring to HIS life with any concern as to what he is doing to theirs.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 He is using them for what they bring to HIS life with any concern as to what he is doing to theirs. THAT is the exact nature of the beast!
outofdarkness Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Ok, YourVagueness, Good luck with everything & please keep us posted down the road. LOLLLLLLL That gave me a chuckle...yourvauguenes!!!
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