buggie4u Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 I am new to this so I hope that I am writing this in the correct place. Here it goes So, I have been dating this guy and in September it will be 5 years. Two years ago we bought a house together and everything has been going great. All of the sudden about a month ago I start getting these phone calls anywhere between 3-5 Am in the mornings. And the girl (mind you I know who she is and have known her for some time) would say on the answering machine, "hey where are ya, I am at the bar if ya want to come on down." Well, I asked her why she was calling my house and she said that she wasn't so I was like whatever and walked away. Well, a couple days later she said that she figured out why she had called my house and it was because she was looking for my brother. My brother had lived with me for about 2 years do to a illness. But, at that point about 2 months prior he had moved into his own house. I thought everyone knew that he had moved but I gave her the benefit of the doubt that possibly she did think that he was still living there. However, I still had a eerie feeling in my stomach about it. Well then one night I had fallen asleep on the couch and his cell phone was sitting beside my head on the stand and it started ringing at 3:30 Am. Well, I did not make it to his cell in time so it said missed call. I looked at the number and I did not reckognize it and so I asked him the next morning whos number it was and he stated that he did not know. Well so I called it and yep it was hers. So now the feeling in my stomach obviously is 10 times worse and so again I confront him and ask if there is anything that he needs to tell me. And he states no. So the next day at work I decide that I am going to take a look online at the cell phone bill. (mind you I have never done this before. I have never had a reason to not trust him and I have trusted everything that he has done for almost 5 years.) Well upon accessing the cell phone bill I realize that her number is on his calls several times. So, I call him at work and say yet again, please tell me if there is something I need to know. He states yet again that there is nothing. So I get back to work and decide to look at the text messages and there it was. 62 between the two of them in 5 days. So I get home that night and bring it up to him and low and behold he admits finally that they were talking and trying to "hook up" however they "supposedly" were never able to. Now I have a hard time believing that. But, I trusted him that, that was the case. Now though I am having a hard time believing anything that he says. When he is late showing up or anything of that nature she is the first thing that pops into my head. Like is he with her or??? What do I do. Will I gain trust back or is this where I need to say I tried and it just is not going to work? I am lost....
Dadaal Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 He's CHEATING on you. Get out of this relationship as soon as possible.
norajane Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 Even if they never hooked up - and that's a big if - isn't it enough that they tried to hook up and he wanted to? He lied repeatedly about her to you as well. Has he agreed to cut her out of his life? Has he agreed to do anything that might help you trust him - like informing you of his whereabouts if he's going to be late, etc.? Has he done anything to try to make this up to, anything at all? Major apologies? Did he at least admit that what he was doing was wrong and hurtful? Did he tell you why he did it? If he makes no effort to be an open book and if he doesn't understand what he did and why it's the wrong thing, then there's no point in trying to trust him. But if he "gets it" and is sincerely sorry and tries to rebuild trust with you, it might be worth giving him one more chance.
Author buggie4u Posted April 2, 2007 Author Posted April 2, 2007 He somewhat gets it... I want to trust him again but it is real hard. He has apologized many times over and sounded sincere. But last night he was late and then I found out that he was at the bar that this all started at. That is the first time that he has done anything wrong since this has happened. The only thing that I do not think he is getting is when he cannot stay away from the bar that this all started in to begin with. And he thinks I am crazy for wanting him to cause he says that it is not the bars fault. I agree that it is not but on the same not he should understand why I cannot trust him there...
lrae Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 So I get back to work and decide to look at the text messages and there it was. 62 between the two of them in 5 days. So I get home that night and bring it up to him and low and behold he admits finally that they were talking and trying to "hook up" however they "supposedly" were never able to. Now I have a hard time believing that. But, I trusted him that, that was the case. Now though I am having a hard time believing anything that he says. When he is late showing up or anything of that nature she is the first thing that pops into my head. Like is he with her or??? What do I do. Will I gain trust back or is this where I need to say I tried and it just is not going to work? I am lost.... I am so sorry!!! I was there - I found the text messaging and phone records too. My heart hit the floor. I was devastated. To make it even more ironic - I was 3 months pregnant with our 2nd child. Fact. He has lied to you (about her number and about his contact with her). Fact. He was looking to hook up with her. Did the hooking up happen? Unfortunately for you, most cheaters never admit to anything (even when confronted with the "smoking gun") and she won't tell you anything cause she's covering his ass. Does it matter whether they hooked up? Is his looking around and dishonesty enough? Problem. Why does he feel that he needs to lie about this girl? Why is he not being honest in his relationship with you? You need to decide what is and what is not acceptable to you. Options. Choose to put your head in the sand. Beat him up with your accusations. Question your sanity wondering what is the reality of your situation. Run fast and get the hell out. Stay and try to fix it with counselling. Only you know what is right for you. I suggest you do that - do what is right for you.
Author buggie4u Posted April 2, 2007 Author Posted April 2, 2007 Well glad to hear from someone who has been there in the same situation. I do realize that the decision inthe end has to come down to me and only me and how I feel about the situation. You would think that the intentions being there were completley enough to say hey... But 5 years is a long time and I guess that I am trying to hold on. Do not know at this point. That is why I thought maybe I could get some good insite from here as I was at a loss trying to figure it out for myself...
lrae Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 You would think that the intentions being there were completley enough to say hey... But 5 years is a long time and I guess that I am trying to hold on. Do not know at this point Buggie there is nothing wrong with trying to hold on - just be real about what you are really holding onto and whether it works for you anymore. you might want to take time out to re-evaluate that ocassionally you both have a boatload of stuff (doubt, lies, pain, withdrawal to name a few) to deal with now; make sure that you are not the only one dealing with it can he be considered trustworthy again? will you ever return to normal from the insecure, second guessing, doubting your sanity person you have become? can you get over the urge to retaliate and your feelings of bitterness and disillusionment? (those were the majority of my concerns. but wait a minute, this isn't about me) it's really very hard to say. But I liked to think I would. focus on yourself. work on the things you can do better. work on becoming a better you through all of this. absolutely get some professional help. you are not crazy but your circumstances are and everyone needs help from time to time. keep in mind that you can't control others - you can't force him to be the person you want. but never doubt that you have every right to honesty and real commitment and intimacy in a relationship.
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