Guest Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 Been married 25 years. My marriage is a shambles due to husband's infidelity. I cannot seem to rebound. He had an affair 5 years ago, then subsequently admitted to having been unfaithful for the 15 years before that. He rec'd 2 yrs. therapy and says he would never cheat again. I am not convinced. It would have been different if he had a "fling" but 15 years is a way of life to me. I have been trying hard to rebound, but cannot seem to let go of the anger and hurt. He has done all he can and seems he's giving up. I cannot blame him. He vacilates and withdraws and then seems to want to make a go of it. I act cold to him. He acts cold to me. On and on it goes. I'm never sure if he has stopped cheating, although he seems to have and swears up and down he would never go there again. He says he was angry for too long over having been abused physically to the extreme by his mother. He says he was taking it out on me. He says the therapy has changed him and he wants his marriage. We have separated twice, briefly, but cannot seem to live apart. I wonder if he ever really loved me. I am insecure and my self-esteem is at an all time low. People say well just cheat yourself and get even then maybe you can move on. But I can't do that. It just isn't me. I don't want a strange man pawing me. I do love him still in alot of ways. But not the same as before. Sexually, I cannot feel the same towards him, where before all this, I found him extremely desirable; now it's hard for me to want him in that way. I have to be sooo horny (sorry) to get myself in the right frame of mind. So... he's not truly happy, I'm not truly happy. We have 3 sons who are the whole world to us. They love their dad and I don't want to hurt them. they have never known any other home than the one we have. But I just feel so stuck because in my heart I feel it is over most of the time. I feel like I'm cheating myself out of a truly happy fulfilled life. Sure, I could stay and have this lukewarm marriage for the boys' sake (they are 24, 12 and 15) and then maybe make this big decision to divorce later. But do I really want to live that way? Is it fair to my husband for him to live that way? He does get tired of it all just like me. Says he'd like to have a wife at home who is happy to see him. Well, I would like to have a man at home who is happy to see me also. This lukewarm stuff hurts. It's for the birds. I hate it. I am truly stuck. For those of you who made that leap. Are you glad you did it? Do you regret it?
RichC Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 Best thing that ever happened to me. My wife never worked even when I got to the point of saying "will you get a job!!!!????". She totally took and never gave, and moved here sister in after her mothers death. Neither of them worked and we had money problems galore which she ignored. Always expected me to make more. I am still going through the divorce process but I consider it one of the smarter things I have done.
RichC Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 Please look through some of the threads on this site about counseling. You WILL need it. You are going through a very tough time and will need to regain you self esteem and stability.
LakesideDream Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 The Male perspective. I too was married for 25 years. I was deeply in love with my ex. Due to my trust and general ignorance, I was completely blindsided by her "I need space, was married to young" speach. At the time I suspected it was code for "I have another love". I was correct. It soon came out that she was "in love" with her High School boyfriend, who just happened to live in the same city we had just moved to, to "make our new start" as empty nesters. What I didn't know is that the affair had gone on for 23 years on and off.. with some large and not so large gaps. As I live in a no fault state, where an uncontested divorce can be had literally overnight, and a contested one with no substantial assets in six weeks, I had no choice. Two months after the speach we filed and were divorced in 72 hours. As to your original question. The answer is an unequivocated NO. Sadly I had no choice. Right up to speach day, I believed I was joyously mated for life, with great adventures ahead. I have found myself in the dubious reality of being a late middle aged man, 57 with very little chance realisticly of being emotionally fullfilled in my late years. I was lucky enough to connect with an old flame long enough to find out how good passion really is/was, but situations conspired to keep that possibility at bay. My advice, think long and hard and only do what you absolutely must. Being alone in the "Golden Years" is a bleek prospect.
RichC Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 both parties want to save the marriage it can be done. Look at marriagebuilders.com for some ideas and what it will take. There are alot of good tools on the site. In my situation I was the only one putting the effort into the marriage. In my own case I would rather spend my golden years alone rather than put up with the stuff I did for 15 years. I am 47 now and looking forward to life. If I find someone so be it. If not I will deal with that.
Mistaken Identity Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 Hi. Sorry to hear about your husband's infidelity. But why do you have to make a decision right now? It might be best to just stick around awhile and work on making yourself happy. You need to look out for yourself financially, emotionally, etc. If you are the one who would have to move out, you would have to start over. That's stressful! If you can get him to leave, that would be better. Otherwise, stay in the safety of your home and work on making yourself happy.
aaaaaiiiiieeeee Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 I've filed but am sitll waiting for the final decree. I kept thinking that still being legally married was keeping me from moving on some how. My wife wants to be with a her "regular" from the club where she danced...well so be it, I'm still hoping that when it's official I'll at least feel some of the pain go. I'll post again when it's official
Mustang Sally Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 Guest, I am not divorced, so can not help you there. I have been considering it, though. A question about your H's behavior. Is he saying he cheated because of past abuse by his mother? Or what is the deal with that? Why does he say he has cheated for that amount of your R? Sorry to hear of your tough situation.
Gunny376 Posted April 9, 2007 Posted April 9, 2007 I wasn’t the one that wanted the divorce, and I wasn’t the one that filed. But seventeen years the other side of it? I’m glad it happened even though it has been pure Hell at times learning how to be single. And, that’s what it is, learning how to be single. I saw on the news today, where there’s a hospital that teaches children as young as one and two how to eat. Now you would think that’s instinctively ~ but its not. The only two things that’s instinctive in humans is the fear of falling and reacting to loud noises. Everything else is learned ~ and what can be learned ~ can be un-learned. Me, myself and I? I have a hard time seeing myself getting married again. And, I don’t buy Lakesidedream’s (whom I've a lot of respect for~) point of view about being old and alone. You could meet the absolute love of your life, spend 30 or 40 wonderful, perfect years with them and still end up old andalone (No disrespect LSD). In fact if you’re a woman, that’s probably going to be your lot in life ~ since women outlive men. I rather be single and alone than married to what I was married to. I’ve been in two LTR totaling 18-1/2 years. When I balance the books, I got more misery than joy out of it. Bottom line? You can’t go wrong by yourself. As I’ve said in other posts, ~ marriage use to be about 99% a matter of day to day function in mutual survivability, and 1% emotion. In these days and times, its reverse. Once you’ve lost the emotional connection? You’re going to have to pay the Devil to get it back. And, its not that hard to have an emotional dis-connect. Induce stress on one side, and boredom on the other ~ BAM! Can you and the DH re-connect emotionally? Sure. But, you’re going to have to roll your sleeves up and work for it! You’re going to have to re-write your beliefs about what a marriage is in this day and age. Your going to have to shed some preconceived notions, ideas fallacies, about what a marriage is. Your going to have to re-refine your concept of gender roles, and marriage. Your going to have to shift from having a functional marriage to having an emotional marriage. You’re going to have to forget about keeping up with the Jones’ and scrape materialism. Get back to the fundamentals of what it is about one woman loving just one man. Bottom line, you’re going to have to un-complicate your life, simplfy you life ~ and get back to the freaking basics! Join LS and get yourself a "handle" (name to go by) and settle in with a cup of your favorite brew! Guns!
Sylph Posted April 10, 2007 Posted April 10, 2007 I don't think that I would ever be able to trust my spouse again after something like that. Trust is important, but mainly there is no peace of mind. Early in my relationship with my husband he cheated on me, and I just could not get past it. I would check on everything that he did, get upset if he didn't want to be intimate for long periods, be suspicious of all of his female friends and coworkers and this lasted quite a while. This was not only because I no longer trusted him, but because my self esteem was shattered and I felt that I had no security in my relationship. I don't know that everyone would react this way, but I couldn't shake it. I was stressing all the time. I am very glad that I am getting divorced (papers filed today). It's very very hard to put the pieces of your life back together and get to a place where you are financially/emotionally ok, but it was very worth it. I do question marriage and how it works for people long term right now, and I'm not sure I would get married again, but I have time to work all of that out. Sometimes I think I've made a mistake and that my life with this person was too much a part of me to just throw away, but the thing is, I am turning my back on that part of my life BUT I hope to be able to make a better life for myself on my own. It's already better.
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