sungrl Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 do you think it is something that needs to be said everyday when in a relationship? my b/f hardly ever said it..it was once a month or every couple of months. He never said it before bed on the phone, hardly at all. I complained saying i need to hear it more often..i just need to hear my b/f say it if he does in fact love me. But now..he has been saying often..pretty much every night on the phone before we go to bed...but then i noticed how the other night he did not say it(i initiate it too at times but i noticed that he did not initiate it a night before that as well)..now is that worse? to have someone saying it most nights before we go to bed and then one night, they dont? i get anxious about this..like why didn't he say it when he has been saying it more often..what if it becomes a pattern like before of not saying it..i definitely hold back on always initiating it b/c i dont want to be the only one to say it first..but now its the "tonight he did not say" that is what is bothering me...getting anxious over nothing?
Island Girl Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 Kind of. I have always been in situations where it is always said. My husband and I are long distance right now so of course we say it every time. -- But I think he did when we were living together too. I don't remember. He didn't say it all the time before -- so you must be able to see it in his actions. Have his actions changed? Probably not. So your fears because he didn't say it may be unfounded. What was the conversation like when you discussed it before?
bridget_jones Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 I have an idea. I was seeing someone a few years ago, and 8 months into the relationship it was Valentine's Day. He gave me a heart shaped cake which stated "I love you" on it. I then said "Wow, this says I love you." He said "Yes, I do. I do love you, (insert my name.) after that we started saying it. Maybe you could do something similar for him, or just slip in an "I love you" at the end of a phone conversation.
boshemia Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 It is nice to hear it, but so much nicer when they show it. It reminds me of an example I heard in regard to "Divorce Busting" (by Michelle Weiner Davis) I don't remember if she actually said it or if it was just how I understood it, but she said women get in the habit of watching their man to see if he makes a mistake. Like saying "If he forgets to put his socks in the hamper one more time I'm going to let him have it." So she watches and waits... and misses all of the times he did put his socks in the hamper, just waiting for the one time he didn't. She says often is is as easy as changing your perception. "I am going to remember to thank him every time he remembers to put his socks in the hamper" you begin watching for the positive behavior, and stop seeing just the negative. People respond to positive re-enforcement much like animals do. When he does something you like, give him some kind of praise or reward, and let the negatives go... don't hold on to them or they build. It's probably nothing major... next time he does say it try saying something like "Thank you, it means so much to me to hear you say that. I love you too" and see what happens? Worth a shot right?
Island Girl Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 I don't remember if she actually said it or if it was just how I understood it, but she said women get in the habit of watching their man to see if he makes a mistake. Like saying "If he forgets to put his socks in the hamper one more time I'm going to let him have it." So she watches and waits... and misses all of the times he did put his socks in the hamper, just waiting for the one time he didn't. She says often is is as easy as changing your perception. "I am going to remember to thank him every time he remembers to put his socks in the hamper" you begin watching for the positive behavior, and stop seeing just the negative. <edit> It's probably nothing major... next time he does say it try saying something like "Thank you, it means so much to me to hear you say that. I love you too" and see what happens? Worth a shot right? Great post. And I love learning something too -- which I did. I could be better about the type of example you have listed. Thanks!
hugznkisses21 Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 This reminds me of my situation at one point - my ex used to say is ALL the time - every phone call every time we parted etc - and i felt and soemtimes still do think you should let people you love know u love them all the time - at least once a day - Well needless to sayi look back now and him saying it so often was simply cause he didnt show it. My current bf said to me that he doesnt say it all the time and wants each and everytime we say it to feel so special - so we say it every now and then and forsure when we get upset with one another to show no matter what we still love eachother - so we say it about a couple times a week and the more important thing is we show eachother ALL the time. So i have come to realize that is what is more important - if he never said it i still know he loves me and he know i love him through our actions and loving ways - whereas my ex if he stopped saying it - i would have nothing to back u that he did love me.
Aloros Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 It's funny. With my ex, I had to hear it a lot. A couple times a day, at least. We used to argue over how often he would say it to me. With my current bf, sometimes it doesn't get said at all for a couple days, but it doesn't bother me at all because he makes me feel loved. I don't need to hear it as often because I have no doubts about how he feels about me. I'd stop focusing on the actual words and more on what he does/does not do to make you feel loved. Actions speak louder than words, right?
EC Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 How long have you guys been together? Just curious because in the begining my bf wouldn't say it so much..He was the first to say it though and then he told me that it would be best not to say it so much so that it would really be meaningful when it was said. 2 1/2 years later he says it every 5 mins lol We say it all the time. But mostly I think its out of force of habit. But I feel loved and that is what's important. If you guys are just starting out then just don't worry so much about how many times he says it or doesn't say it. As long as you feel he loves you then you shouldn't worry too much if he didn't say it every single time. My bf also admitted that he didn't want to seem 'whooped' lol by always saying it first so he would let me initiate it sometimes. He liked it when I said it first sometimes
Author sungrl Posted April 2, 2007 Author Posted April 2, 2007 we have been together for over 2 years so this is not new.
EC Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 Over two years? Hmmm IMO that would raise a mini red flag for me..but You said he didnt say it much before..then he started to say it a lot and now he hasn't said it for what two days? Besides the I love you thing are you having any other probolems in the relationship? If not, I suggest if he doesn't say it again for a while bring it up. He might not know how you feel. Maybe if you were to let him know how happy it made you when he said it a lot he might do it more. For exp; My bf used to never leave me messages on my myspace..lol I know w/e childish but it made me happy when he would leave me messages. He did it for a while and then suddenly just stopped. I eventually brought it up by saying " Hey babe how come you don't leave me more messages when your on myspace? They always brighten my day when you do and leave me in a good mood at work." His response "I didn't know you liked them so much. I will leave more from now on when I get the chance." Next day he left one with a huge sun saying hope this one lightens your day. SO now he leaves them all the time. If it continues just try bringing it up.
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