bridget_jones Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 It sounds like he wasn't giving you what you need in a relationship for a while, like you need him to spend money on you, take you out, etc. Yet you stayed with him knowing that. What did he do that was so bad that you feel he f**ked you over? Because if he stayed with you and faked feelings for you he didn't have, wouldn't that be f**king you over even more? Look at it this way, be glad you don't have to be with this selfish jerk any longer and you can find someone who does fill your needs! Link to post Share on other sites
Faith2 Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 I've read through this thread several times. There's a lot of focus on the computer and the "how are you" issues - but I think those are side issues. No one has mentioned the one line in his email which I think is the most hurtful - or at least I know that I would have been hurt by it, so I'm guessing that you were too, since you said upfront that you are overly sensitive. He wrote: "I'm sorry I'm still scared to speak with you." You blew up at him in your reply and thus reinforced his reasons for being scared to speak with you. Then he responded: "That's the kind of reply I was expecting.." You couldn't help yourself, and believe me I do understand how that works. I'm struggling with the same problem in my breakup. You're still seething with resentment, so ANYthing he says will touch off your anger and make you boil over. It seems that both of you are still awfully raw from the breakup. It would be best to pull back into no contact for a good long while, to allow that rawness to heal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted April 2, 2007 Author Share Posted April 2, 2007 It sounds like he wasn't giving you what you need in a relationship for a while, like you need him to spend money on you, take you out, etc. Yet you stayed with him knowing that. What did he do that was so bad that you feel he f**ked you over? Well he kept telling me that his situation will get better in time and that he will eventually be able to treat me better because he loved me. So the fact that he doesn't care to know how I'm doing now kind of contradicts how he said he loved me, voiding all the reasons for which I kept giving and giving to the relationship without demanding to receive anything in return. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted April 2, 2007 Author Share Posted April 2, 2007 I've read through this thread several times. There's a lot of focus on the computer and the "how are you" issues - but I think those are side issues. No one has mentioned the one line in his email which I think is the most hurtful - or at least I know that I would have been hurt by it, so I'm guessing that you were too, since you said upfront that you are overly sensitive. He wrote: "I'm sorry I'm still scared to speak with you." You blew up at him in your reply and thus reinforced his reasons for being scared to speak with you. Then he responded: "That's the kind of reply I was expecting.." You couldn't help yourself, and believe me I do understand how that works. I'm struggling with the same problem in my breakup. You're still seething with resentment, so ANYthing he says will touch off your anger and make you boil over. It seems that both of you are still awfully raw from the breakup. It would be best to pull back into no contact for a good long while, to allow that rawness to heal. Yes, that too!! I can't exactly explain why it hurts me so much that he "expected" this type of reply.. it's as if I was a villain in his mind! Being "scared" to talk to me is also something that he always used to say after our fights.. It was his justification for ignoring me for days.. that he was "scared".... all I ever wanted was for him to understand that had it not been for his defensive reactions and lack of empathy, I wouldn't have blown up in the first place... Ah I'm really at a loss about how to express my frustration towards this... Link to post Share on other sites
Faith2 Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Ah I'm really at a loss about how to express my frustration towards this... I understand. I'm dealing with the same thing. I recommend NC for a while. Any contact with him now will only increase your frustration. NC will allow that rawness and turmoil to cool down. It may take a while, but it will get better. Meanwhile, I really recommend talking to a therapist about your anger. That's what I'm doing, and it's helping me regain my self-control. (Well, I've had a couple lapses, but that's normal I think.) Therapy is a safe way to blow off steam and get it out of your system. A good therapist can help guide you through these feelings, so you can deal with the anger and look at things with fresh eyes. Best wishes, Faith Link to post Share on other sites
vivrantflo Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Princessa, in my opinion, the best thing for you to do right now, is to go into NC. Obviously, you still have resentment towards him, and that will go away with time.. but every time you contact him, the scab gets ripped off, and the healing process has to begin all over again. You're hurting yourself by contacting him, and it's not worth it. You know in your heart that he wronged you, and didn't treat you as well as you wished.. but at least that relationship is over, and you can take solace in the fact that there are better men for you out there. You still have your health, and you know how to treat a man when you have one... chalk this relationship up as one that didn't work out. Don't contact him again.. heal.. and you'll know when you're ready to date someone else that will appreciate what you have to offer. You'll be fine hun, just put your feelings first, and forget about the guy that has hurt you so much. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Princessa, in my opinion, the best thing for you to do right now, is to go into NC. Obviously, you still have resentment towards him, and that will go away with time.. but every time you contact him, the scab gets ripped off, and the healing process has to begin all over again. You're hurting yourself by contacting him, and it's not worth it. You know in your heart that he wronged you, and didn't treat you as well as you wished.. but at least that relationship is over, and you can take solace in the fact that there are better men for you out there. You still have your health, and you know how to treat a man when you have one... chalk this relationship up as one that didn't work out. Don't contact him again.. heal.. and you'll know when you're ready to date someone else that will appreciate what you have to offer. You'll be fine hun, just put your feelings first, and forget about the guy that has hurt you so much. Good luck! Well said. Emotions are raw so nothing will get resolved. Time to put the boy on the backburner and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted April 2, 2007 Author Share Posted April 2, 2007 Thanks for the kind words people It's true, it's not worth fighting or being angry anymore.. It's like beating my head against a brick wall in the hopes that it will soothe my heart just a little bit... Ah I have to keep repeating this to myself all day long... I was browsing old LS posts.. and came across a post by this lady, which I found inspiring.. I'd like to be able to do the same thing: Forgiveness is a major part of healing now. I have had painful memories of the relationship and felt bad on that rehashing the past. But I couldn't keep doing that to myself. It's not hurting him and it only made me feel upset. In came forgiveness. And for each and every time a painful memory that pops up unexpectedly instead of my feeling indignant hurt angry, I quickly say "I forgive that moment." Now this is tough bit because I do feel me wanting to call him every vile name in the book, but I know I can't. And its not reversing o denying he did me wrong its releasing myself..sometimes I choke back tiny tears as I say it, but I say it.. and I feel less imprisoned by it than I did four and five months ago. I see now that hanging onto the memories is just my pride wanting to be in the right. Ok, so as we can't always control our thoughts we can catch ourselves when we get riled up by a thought. Link to post Share on other sites
soulseeker Posted April 2, 2007 Share Posted April 2, 2007 Princessa: I'd venture to say that he probably feels a bit guilty for the way he treated you and just hasnt forgiven himself enough for that to feel good about talking to you about it. Relationships are a learning process for both parties, and sometimes you learn the lesson after the fact. It seems like you've both got to get to better places individually before you can have an honest conversation in which you both own up to what really happened. Come on, you have to have contributed to the demise in some way, even if it wasnt as large as his part. Or maybe he really just doesnt give a $hit, which is why you cant wait around for him to say what he may never feel like saying. I'm in the same position, so trust me, I know how badly it can hurt at times. My ex even emailed me a belated bday card last week. He said the same, "I hope things are well with you." And I took it as a copout too. I just replied, "Thanks for the birthday wish." I havent heard from him since. And I was totally cordial! Point is, I cant wait for him to say what I want him to say, because maybe he never will. Maybe he feels like I made a bigger contribution to our demise than I do. Maybe he is waiting for me to say what I'll never feel like saying. Who knows!! But we have to live our lives based on facts, not assumptions. We're likely to go crazy otherwise. You've both made mistakes and it's ok. You're human. Best thing is to take what you've learned into your next relationship so you then at least make different mistakes Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted April 3, 2007 Author Share Posted April 3, 2007 Princessa: I'd venture to say that he probably feels a bit guilty for the way he treated you and just hasnt forgiven himself enough for that to feel good about talking to you about it. Relationships are a learning process for both parties, and sometimes you learn the lesson after the fact. It seems like you've both got to get to better places individually before you can have an honest conversation in which you both own up to what really happened. Come on, you have to have contributed to the demise in some way, even if it wasnt as large as his part. Or maybe he really just doesnt give a $hit, which is why you cant wait around for him to say what he may never feel like saying. See I didn't even want a conversation.. I just wanted to know that he was okay, and to have the kindness of checking up on him returned to me... Yes we're broken up, but I can't stand the fact that he's being so cold!! It's because all throughout our relationship I had put so much emphasis on both of us being pure and true to eachother.. ah but I guess I should undrstand that maybe that's his way of coping... I don't know whether he feels guilty or not.. I hope he does.. But you're right, even if he does, I will probably never get to hear anything about it.. You've both made mistakes and it's ok. You're human. Best thing is to take what you've learned into your next relationship so you then at least make different mistakes Thanks for the insight Link to post Share on other sites
soulseeker Posted April 3, 2007 Share Posted April 3, 2007 ah but I guess I should undrstand that maybe that's his way of coping... I think you just nailed it on the head. He's got to cope the way he knows how to, not the way you know how to. $hitty that we f**k oursevles by placing expectations on others based on what we would do. Good insight there Princessa. Link to post Share on other sites
David H Posted April 3, 2007 Share Posted April 3, 2007 I've read through this thread several times. There's a lot of focus on the computer and the "how are you" issues - but I think those are side issues. No one has mentioned the one line in his email which I think is the most hurtful - or at least I know that I would have been hurt by it, so I'm guessing that you were too, since you said upfront that you are overly sensitive. He wrote: "I'm sorry I'm still scared to speak with you." You blew up at him in your reply and thus reinforced his reasons for being scared to speak with you. Then he responded: "That's the kind of reply I was expecting.." You couldn't help yourself, and believe me I do understand how that works. I'm struggling with the same problem in my breakup. You're still seething with resentment, so ANYthing he says will touch off your anger and make you boil over. It seems that both of you are still awfully raw from the breakup. It would be best to pull back into no contact for a good long while, to allow that rawness to heal. Yes, there is a BIG anger issue here over something we are not being told... David Link to post Share on other sites
Author princessa Posted April 3, 2007 Author Share Posted April 3, 2007 Yes, there is a BIG anger issue here over something we are not being told... David Why do you say that?? Link to post Share on other sites
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