dazednconfuzed Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 I have been dating a 36-year-old woman since March. She lives 2 hours away from me, but she has family in my city, so we've been able to strike up a pretty hot relationship ... even though we've only been together two days so far. Anyway, I had planned to visit her on Saturday. Saturday morning, I called and cancelled on her. I apologized and said I'd thought about it and it seemed like a long drive to see her for only four hours. She'd have to work till 1 p.m. that day. She'd be able to spend from 1-5 alone with me, and then we'd have to go to her sister's house to babysit her 2 little nieces from 5-9. Well she would babysit and I'd just tag along. We'd get back to her house, and she'd have to get to bed early because she has to be up at 6:30 a.m. for work on Sunday. That means, I'd have to embark on my 2 hour drive back home at that time. Admittedly, I should've planned to visit her when she didn't have all of these obligations (work, babysitting, work the next day). I made a mistake. And, I apologized several times. I called her Saturday, to see if she wanted to talk, but she didn't return my call. She finally text messaged me today, but she is sooo upset. According to her, I have really disappointed her. She had really wanted to see me. I let her know I was awfully sorry, and that I made a mistake, and to please forgive me. I asked her if we could talk about it, but she didn't respond. So I told her what I told you readers using text messaging ... that it was a long trip for such a short visit. When she finally decided to respond, she said maybe we should stop seeing each other before I do something else to hurt her. I asked her if we could talk, she refused to talk to me and went to bed. I have to add, she was coming to my town on Thursday to visit her relatives and was planning on staying until Saturday night, so we could've seen each other on Thursday night. Now she told me she is sad and to have a nice week. In otherwords, you're not going to see me on Thursday. Is it just me, or is this woman over-reacting? Thanks.
Not_That_Innocent Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 I don't think she overeacted. Essentially, what you told her is that she isn't worth your time. So what if you had to drive two hours - if you really wanted to see her you would have done it w/o analyzing how much time you would actually get to spend together. I'm the type that I hate being disappointed. I would rather someone not make plans with me than to make them and cancel. I can't stand that!! I mean sure, things come up. But from what you said nothing actually came up, you just didn't feel like doing what you agreed to do. I'm the sensitive type, so that would have hurt me too!
Reckless Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 I don't agree. Sure, the message (she and most women in her situation would have got) was a big clear "YOU ARE NOT WORTH THE EFFORT". Don't forget that women deal in emotion and the worst thing you can do in a relationship is make the other person feel unimportant. (As an aside: when a couple I know who live in Australia (big BIG country, long distanced) were seeing each other he would drive like 3 hours just to have breakfast with her!) HOWEVER and this is the point, you don't demand that someone is crazy mad in love with you, enough to waste his day and ruin his health to see the sunshine of your smile and get a whiff of your morning breath - this is not a right its something that comes with love. She was out of line to EXPECT that. She is not, however, out of line to expect you to honour your word but look at how she reacted when you recognised your mistake in this area and apologised... ...I made a mistake. And, I apologized several times.... I let her know I was awfully sorry, and that I made a mistake, and to please forgive me. I asked her if we could talk about it, but she didn't respond.... I asked her if we could talk, she refused to talk to me and went to bed. Thanks. Watch yourself starting a relationship with someone that doesn't want to talk over problems because if there's one thing for sure, as a couple you will have problems, we all do. The important thing is 1) can you communicate about them 2) can you forgive your partner for his/her mistakes? Did she over react? Well... over reaction is relative. Calling off a fledgling relationship because you fear there may be more trouble ahead is sensible if what you've seen so far are indications of a selfish, callous and insensitive person. Calling off a good relationship because someone made a mistake/hurt your feelings but apologised IS overreacting. So it depends on how she views the relationship at this stage. You don't dump a good man because he was thinking like a man (being practical thinking about petrol consumation and baby-sitting allergies..) and not like a love-crazed teenager.. Either she wants you to 'try harder stoopid' and is punishing you (red flag) or she doesn't value the relationship (red flag) or is overreacting (red flag). To sum up.. the problem is not the misunderstanding but how you are both handling it...
Ripples Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 Her reaction seems that she definitely got the message that you don't believe she's worth making the effort for. (As an aside, two hours isn't that long a drive) I don't believe she was unreasonable to expect you to make the effort either; if anything it shows she values herself and believes she's worth making the effort for. However, the fact she was 'hurt' by you speaks volumes to me. If she were secure and in control I don't think your action at this stage of the relationship would have hurt her, rather it would have been something more akin to irritation. I would feel quite happy to dump someone if they did something similar to me, however I would have ignored them after saying "Bye bye" rather than send a text that could be read as leaving the door open.
serial muse Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 I don't think two hours is all that long a drive, either. But regardless, you knew that going in, and had already made plans to do it anyway. As you said, if you felt the drive was too much for too little, you could easily have made plans with her for a different day. Cancelling at the last minute as you did is rude, rude, rude and would definitely send the message that you're not that into her. Do I think she's overreacting? I don't know; I think she could have just ignored you. But I think that Ripples is right - the texting does suggest that the door is still open. You could probably make it up to her, but it doesn't sound as though you want to. You just want her to get over it, instead - and from that perspective, her reaction is exactly right. If you really believe that your actions were perfectly justified, while her responses weren't, then sure, she could get hurt again, the next time the same sort of misunderstanding occurs. So maybe you two just aren't the greatest match?
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