"She feels lonely" and sensitive to touch even after showing this affection herself?

[Spirit]

Hi Loveshack,

 

Would you help me out? This is a long read, so thank you to those with the interest.

 

I've been friends with a woman for about two years. We are both in our late twenties. She and I have uncanny similarity in core values, interests, family background and upbringing, plus similarly conservative personalities; we “get each other”. Because such individuals have been very difficult to find in my life, I wanted to maintain her friendship by “being a good friend to her”. I even liked her enough to want to take this relationship to the next level. Despite that she seemed very happy to see me whereever we met, I always initiated the phone conversations, e-mails, and get-togethers. With my understanding that women don’t hesitate to call somebody whom they want to speak with, I assumed that her reciprocal interest just wasn’t there. Another sign of her likely disinterest in me romantically was that she was not touchy at all. (I know that she is a touchy person for I’ve seen her do this to friends.)

 

We still meet up every four months or so to catch up, enjoying a ballgame/exhibit/show with a nice dinner. We both have been very busy in our professions and so we have not had much experience in dating, period. In conversation, she revealed to me that her only two relationships were with friends who became her now ex-boyfriends. Notably, she stated that she did not want to go through such a experience again.

 

In our last couple of outings, she seemed to be much more curious about me than before: she asked many personal questions wanting to know my opinion on varied issues, and asked many questions about my family. She continues to smile and laugh at anything I say, and she gives me lots of eye-contact. At the end of the evening, she confided repeatedly that she feels sad because she feels alone, very lonely.

 

(1) By confiding that she feels lonely, was she implying that she’s interested in a relationship with me or was she simply ranting to me, as her friend, her frustration of being single?

 

Plus she is now very touchy (putting both of her hands on my arm a dozen times last day!?). Interpreting this as comfort, I lightly touched her twice (at separate times on the forearm and shoulder) to which she seemed very startled, perhaps nervous, in reaction:

 

(2) By reacting startled to my return showing of light affection, how was she feeling about me even though she was very comfortable in displaying that same kind of affection many times towards me?

 

Furthermore, a couple of firsts happened last week: (1) she initiated contact with me (via msn messenger) to tell me again how alone she feels, and (2) she asked me out – only two weeks after we went to the art gallery and the movies!

 

I still have feelings for her so I will observe what I hope to observe. I know that I ought not to have my hopes too high for building a romance with my platonic friend. I realize that it is her feelings toward me, not mine towards her, that matters. Having said that, I will let this relationship mature slowly and “let the chips fall where they may”. I just hope to get a more clear sense of her feelings before I express how I feel – I don’t want to scare her away.

 

If I can get some input on the two questions above, I’d be appreciative. I hope to have provided enough background information. Thank you again for your time and interest.

[Island Girl]

(1) By confiding that she feels lonely, was she implying that she’s interested in a relationship with me or was she simply ranting to me, as her friend, her frustration of being single?

 

I would err on the side of caution and say she may really have bee venting her frustration.

 

After she stated quite clearly that she doesn't want a platonic friend to grow into a boyfriend - and then proceeded to become better friends with you.

 

Sorry but unless there are very big clear signals I wouldn't think anything has changed.

 

(2) By reacting startled to my return showing of light affection, how was she feeling about me even though she was very comfortable in displaying that same kind of affection many times towards me?

 

She may have just been startled at the contact because it hadn't happened before.

 

Or she could have been instantly reminded of how those other friendships started to become more so and had a "red flag" moment.

I have had plenty of these moments when I am aware that there are thoughts of being in a relationship because of a change in the guy's demeanor.

[JCD]

It seems to me that she likes you. Take her up on the offer and set up a date. Someone told me that men have a gut instinct to trust others who won't physically hurt them and for women they have a gut instinct to trust others who won't emotionally hurt them. So take is slow and be there for her. She probably needs to gain trust and your confidence before she gives herself to you. I noticed that in my work, once I've been there for a year that girls are starting to hit on me more and more. I think they are getting used to seeing me not as a threat as you would if you didn't know them well enough.

[Starry-eyed]

Hi Loveshack,

 

 

(1) By confiding that she feels lonely, was she implying that she’s interested in a relationship with me or was she simply ranting to me, as her friend, her frustration of being single?

 

Hi Spirit,

 

Well, I guess I'd want to know her tone of voice and body language as she was saying this stuff. If you're very close friends, it might just be expressing frustration. But if you're not very close, it actually might be a hint that she'd like to do something with you or is interested. It's really hard to say since it seems that previously she was not interested romantically in you. Maybe things have changed for her in some way?

 

 

(2) By reacting startled to my return showing of light affection, how was she feeling about me even though she was very comfortable in displaying that same kind of affection many times towards me?

 

 

I don't usually touch people that I don't like or have some attraction to, unless I'm comforting them or trying to squeeze past them. So if she's touching you, and you're not crying over a dead pet or standing in a crowded hallway, again I think she might be attracted or interested in you.

 

Definitely you should go out on the date with her and still take things slowly and try to check out her body language. So often that tells us more than words ever can. Good luck!

[Spirit]

Thank you very much Island Girl, JCD, and Starry-eyed for your insightful responses. I really appreciated them.

 

Furthermore, a couple of firsts happened last week: (1) she initiated contact with me (via msn messenger) to tell me again how alone she feels, and (2) she asked me out – only two weeks after we went to the art gallery and the movies!

 

She initiated this conversation on my birthday, two weeks ago. I told her that it was my birthday, and she seemed pretty excited about it. She asked gleefully if I wanted to go to the comedy club (where we always had a story to tell from each visit) and to quote her, "as well, you know, to celebrate your birthday!!!". We mutually agreed to go on the following weekend (which was this past weekend). She seemed really keen about this meeting by her tone (again to quote her, "I'm really looking forward to this!"). I told her then that I'd call her later to set a date and time.

 

So yes, my plan was to go on a date with her (in following along with your suggestions).

 

Last week, I called her and left a message with her brother. He said that he'd tell her that I called. She has yet to reply. I figured that she would've at least returned my phone call if she sincerely wanted to go out but couldn't go. What really stung me was that she even acknowledged the outing as special -- to celebrate my belated birthday. In my opinion, it was insincere of her to say and commit to those kind of things if she wasn't serious about it. She seems very aloof of the situation.

 

Even if she didn't get my phone message to begin with, I believe that she could've initiated a phone call for the meeting if she really wanted to keep to her word (if it mattered to her to begin with).

 

Perhaps I am drawing this conclusion too quickly because I feel a little sad, but this picture to me seems more clear now; from her standpoint, this relationship is what it is.