taking a break - can it be useful?

[mattea]

my b/f of 1 1/2 yrs and i are "taking a break". maybe it's just a euphamism for breaking up, maybe it's just a way to help ourselves move on in phases instead of feeling it is just immediately and permanently over.

 

i would like to hear from people who have "taken a break" for some time in their relationships in order to get some clarity. what purpsose did it serve? did it lead getting back together and having a fulfilling relationship with that person? did it lead to better understanding?

 

we've been so muddled down in our problems and i guess i'm hoping that taking a break from all the tension and confusion might help us get some clarity around what we both want, whether we truly want to be together, and whether we think our problems are solvable. i'm struggling here because i'm sort of the one who made this decision (he said it sounds reasonable to his head but causes pain in his heart). no sooner than we decided it i wanted to call him back and tell him to come over and be with me and let's commit to really trying (i know he wants to try). but then there are the doubts that we can work things out, and my hope that taking some time apart will make things clearer...

[thatmatt]

not to be too personal, but what types of problems are you guys having? I think in certain situations, breaks work. I think in a situation where one or both of you needs to cool down, like after a lot of fighting or problems. In my last relationship, she initatied breaks a few times, it felt like she was running away from the relationship, like it was getting too hard or too much work. I'm not saying your situation is like this, but in my opinion, breaks are usually an easy way out of a situation that could be fixed or helped with a few changes, whether its giving more or better communication, etc. If your problems are outside of the relationship, look at how you can both support each other, maybe give space, ways to relax and comfort each other, etc. But I think if you guys are confused, a little space might be all you need. You've been together for a year and a half, so I'm assuming you've been through rough patches before. I think in relationships the rough spots can tell you just as much info about whether a person is right for you than the smooth spaces. Anyways, I hope this helped a little, it sounds like you both are very committed to each other and love each other, and I wish you the best of luck.

[Island Girl]

Sometimes breaks work -- sometimes they don't -- as far as the relationship working out.

 

The obvious time out can work the other way and also cause one of the parties to not want to go forward.

 

What types of problems were you having?

[mattea]

thanks for the feedback and thanks for asking.

 

biggest problems are

 

1) he's likely going away to school, although he has been admitted into a good school locally. part of the reason is that he got a scholarship to a school out of state. we discussed the possibility of moving together awhile back, and i told him i would be willing to but needed to hear certain depth of feeling and desire to be together. he said he loves me and he feels we are "still developing" our relationship and "getting to know each other". he said this after we'd been together over a year. i don't really want to leave where i live as i am very rooted here, but would have done it to be with him if i felt our relationship was evolved to that point. given where he was at emotionally, and the other problems we are having, i don't feel i can upheave my whole life in the hopes that we can work out. long distance would seem to require a serious commitment and desire to make it work, too.

 

2) the amount of time we spend together is an issue for me. it was fine at first, a few times a week. but it has dwindled to maybe 2 times a week and maybe only one of those actually spending the night together. i'm wanting a partner with whom i share a life, including a considerable amount of alone time together and daily activities, etc. he is extremely social and has a lot of commitments and activities. he invites me to these things, but i'm kind of an infrequent socializer (maybe 1 or 2 times per week with a close friend), and i don't like making small talk or hanging out in big groups. often lately he doesn't seem to have time or desire to spend time with me just the two of us. i have grown to resent this. we have talked about this a lot over the last 5 months or so. it only seems to make it worse as i think he feels pressured. he says he's not totally relaxed/comfortable around me because i often misinterpret things he says and so he's afraid of doing/saying the wrong things. i guess this, along with the general tension, leads him to not want to be with me so much.

 

he says he thinks we got into a negative, downward spiral type of scenario and wants to try. he didn't want to split up - feels that we love each other and it feels wrong to give up. he thinks maybe we can start to make small changes and "reverse the trend".

 

i am so sick of spending the majority of my time sleeping alone and being alone or just with friends, even though i have a boyfriend. i'm also feeling like maybe he needs someone who can spend a bunch of time socializing and being with him doing the things he likes to do. plus, i feel like i'm just here waiting for him to move away to go to school. i guess i've been a little resentful that what will happen with our relationship if he moves away doesn't seem to be more of a concern/factor in his decision.

[thatmatt]

from what you've posted, I think a break might be the right choice. It sounds like he can barely make time for you now, when you two are in close proximity, what will it be like when he goes away out of state. My saying when it comes to LDR is that most of the time they fail because of problems already present in the relationship. Looking back at my past relationship before it went long distance, there were obvious signs of things that I should have caught, but didn't. But hindsight is 20/20. What I mean by telling you this is these could be problems that you might not have seen or havent had the opprotunity to peek their heads out yet.

 

What was his reaction like when you suggested moving with him out of state? Look for small hints, and take this break to look for any patterns or trends from you year and a half together. Some distance from the relationship could help you do that. To me, it sounds a bit like the relationship is more something that is nice to have, but he can go without, rather than something he needs. I'm not saying that he doesn't love you, but from what you posted it sounds like he could take it or leave it. I almost moved 3000 miles across the country to go to college closer to my ex, but I realized that it would have been a huge mistake. She didn't really need me much anymore, had moved on, etc among other things. Anyways, just take a long look at whether or not this relationship and this guy can give you what you deserve. And trust me, you deserve something great if your committed enough to someone to make a sacrafice as big as moving for them.

[Zapbasket]

Hi,

 

I referred to your thread in my response to you on mine. Re: your situation, I do think breaks can be productive, especially if you're not really sure you want to break up. A breakup changes the chemical equation that defined your relationship; it effectively denatures it, so to speak. A break keeps the relationship alive while allowing both parties to cool down and have some space to figure out their priorities. I think a break can be a good think if a) it has an agreed-upon time limit, and b) there is agreement that regardless of whether you want to continue the relationship after the break period, you will meet face to face to discuss things.

 

My advice is coming from no experience with breaks, mind you--only the recent breakup I experienced, where I felt a break would have been more appropriate, at least on my side. Once someone ends it, the trust is shattered because the relationship is a living, breathing thing that takes on a life of its own, fed by two individuals. Once one individual ends it, the relationship dies and the whole context for being together changes, perhaps irreversibly.

 

Also re: your problem #2 and again, coming from my recent experience. Don't think that just because your guy doesn't make the kind of time for you and the relationship that you feel is necessary it means he isn't as into the relationship as you are. After the response I wrote to you on my thread this evening, I realized that a major reason I didn't visit my boyfriend at his apartment was because I didn't feel safe. I felt how resentful he was and rather than that induce me to be with him more, it induced me to stay away, in some misguided effort to preserve some good feeling between us, and to draw closer once I felt safer. It did not mean I didn't love him, and pine to be with him, too. In your case it sounds indeed like you're in a rut, but it doesn't have to mean the end of the relationship. Maybe a break will take the pressure off of you both so that you can return to the relationship better able to communicate your needs and fulfill the other's needs.

 

I really think you're doing the mature thing and I hope it works out as you hope.

[Trialbyfire]

No, I don't believe that long-term breaks do much except put more distance between couples.

 

If he's spending insufficient time with you now, how will it be like when he's at a distance?

 

While you may love each other, sometimes love is not enough. You should be out looking for a guy who has similar interests and values, instead of someone who's so opposite. Don't settle.

[mattea]

To me, it sounds a bit like the relationship is more something that is nice to have, but he can go without, rather than something he needs. I'm not saying that he doesn't love you, but from what you posted it sounds like he could take it or leave it.

 

that is just how i feel! like he doesn't need me, like he could take it or leave it. i guess that's why i was so shocked at how visibly upset he was when i said i thought we should split up. we talked about it and took awhile and several discussions to getting to the point of agreeing to take a break. again, it was me he made that call rather than saying i wanted to try. and again, he was really upset.

 

i guess i just don't get it. it seems like he hardly wants to spend any time with me, like often when i ask him to he feels cornered and pressured. yet he doesn't want to let go. aaah! i don't understand.

[soft heart]

Hello there,

 

I am sorry how you are feeling. I have made exactly the same decision, we are spending some time apart to clear our heads and refresh our feelings. However, I am doing for a reason as I was too needy with my boyfriend while he has been stressing about his job and job search. He wanted to end our relationship and in order to save it, I asked him if we could take a break, spend some time apart until he sorts himself out rather than break up. He agreed.

 

You see my boyfriend has been really stressed out with his job situation, he didnt get his promotion and since then he has been quite down about his job. He;s looking for a new job but he has not been successful in getting any of hte jobs he applied for. He has been feeling really bad about it. Since then he has been really upset, feeling down and unhappy. I guess I did not give him the best support as I started to worry about our relationship, worrying he stopped loving me and caring for me. He kept saying me that he needs to sort his situation out but I was needy with him. He became quite upset with me after a while and he told me last weekend that it's for the best if we separate. He was very sorry but he said he could not continue. I was so upset and hurt. I asked him if we could take some time apart so he can focus on himself, sorting out his situation rather than breaking up. He agreed to that. I told him I will let him be for the next couple of months and then we can talk again.

 

So I am doing the same thing hoping it will help. However, I am also prepared for plan B, in case he will still choose to end it. But I am glad he agreed with it.

 

So just to let you know, you are not the only one who has suggested it, however, look at the real reasons why you have chosen to take a break from your boyfriend.