trying to cope without my first love

[FeltonRoad]

I broke up with my girlfriend a month or so ago, I knew she didn't want to be in the relationship anymore but she was afraid to tell me so I told her I wanted to end things. We were already sorta broken up for a week, but it didn't feel like we were. The reason for the breakup was because she kissed another guy, and she confessed and I forgave her. But she kept hanging out with him. We were in a long distance relationship so I don't expect to have a whole lot of time to spend with her. But she would spend all her time with him instead of me, and not give any time to spend with me. All the contact we had was over the phone and the internet. I wasn't being needy and even tried to give her space, but she'd promise we'd do things then suddenly not be available when the time came. She was never available for me and spent too much time with the guy she kissed. I got fed up with being put on the backburner for another guy and told her I didn't want to be in a relationship anymore (we were trying to work on our friendship and go back to a relationship later on). We got really serious before all this, we had been talking about moving in together and having kids and getting married. And it wasn't even like i was pressuring her or anything, she would say every day that she wants to have babies with me and she'd say things like "i'm gonna get you to marry me if i have to force you" She'd say it half jokingly. We met twice over winter and it was like the best time of my life. I just don't understand how things changed so quickly. How she suddenly became distant and dropped me so quickly. After the breakup I told her I didn't want to be friends and immediately tried to cut off contact with her, but I regretted it immediately and ended up asking if we could stay friends. I think she might have out of pity or something. So after that we were just friends. We talked occasionally, but not much. And I ended up telling her I still had feelings for her. And i could tell she didn't in return, and regretted saying it. Now I've finally let it sink in that things are completely over. I read a blog of hers and she's talking about how much she loves someone and it felt like my heart was taken out of my chest and stretched and punched and burned. I don't know why I torture myself. I should just let it go and not read her profile. I know one day she'll no longer have herself as "single" and then I'll see pics of her and the other guy being happy. I don't know if I'll be able to handle that. I feel pretty pathetic, i still consider her my best friend and i love her even after how incredibly hurt I am. I have been told she's not good for me and I can find someone better. And I know thats true, but she was my first love and I know it will take me a while to get over it. I'm thinking after reading these forums that I should probably not try and contact her anymore. I feel like whenever I contact her I just remind her of how she burned me even though I never mention it. I feel like I'm a constant reminder to her that she is a cheater, and not like I"m a friend. I don't want to induce pity in people. Oh well, I gotta leave. I've written this topic quite a few times but never hit submit.

[Island Girl]

You are younger. And "love" is strange when you are just learning how it feels or what things happen in relationships.

 

I am not telling you that you do not love her.

 

But she seems to be in love with love. She is searching for the butterflies and tingles that come from being in love and she probably does really want to get married.

 

She doesn't understand what a huge commitment it really is and sees it as a path to happiness. It can be but it takes a lot of time and work to get to the point where you are truly ready for it.

 

She probably does feel guilty when she is reminded of cheating on you. That is why she is choosing not to be reminded of you and is focusing on a relationship that is right there in front of her.

 

It sucks. It really does, I know.

 

But you will move on -- it will be easier for you if you stay away from her page. That only serves to wrench your emotions. So quit torturing yourself and don't look anymore.

 

You are at a difficult time in your life. It will all get better.

 

Just focus on what you like to do and get really involved in other things.

 

It will help you.

[LakesideDream]

Just because you are young, and it's "first love" does not mean it doesen't hurt.. I'm sure it does.

 

What it does mean is that you will have many more chances for happiness, and experiances you cannot even imagine now in the near future.

 

For all the pain you feel, try and remember that you will have many things to look forward to.

[FeltonRoad]

I'm not too young actually, i'm 24. I never had a girlfriend before her and I was totally shielded all of my life because I didn't ever want to risk getting hurt. I guess I was always afraid to let myself be vulnerable and she's the first person I ever let do that. Even though I got hurt really bad it was worth it. And it was a learning experience. I wish it hadn't went the way it did, but I guess things don't always work out in the end.

[Island Girl]

I'm not too young actually, i'm 24. I never had a girlfriend before her and I was totally shielded all of my life because I didn't ever want to risk getting hurt. I guess I was always afraid to let myself be vulnerable and she's the first person I ever let do that. Even though I got hurt really bad it was worth it. And it was a learning experience. I wish it hadn't went the way it did, but I guess things don't always work out in the end.

 

No they don't always work out in the end.

 

But it is always worth the journey. I'm glad that you see that it was worth it.

 

This is your first relationship. It taught you a lot about what you want and possibly some of what you don't want.

 

There'll be another hopefully much closer to home!

[thatmatt]

I feel for you, I am getting over my first love as well, and it's definitly a journey. At first I focused on her and how angry I was and it just brought me down. But I've focused on learning about myself, taking a look at the relationship and what I learned and will take from it, and just kept it positive. It sucks a lot to be put on the backburner, especially in long distance, when it's done because LDR is not as convenient or easy, rather than it's just not possible. Don't look at it as you finally let your guard down, and you got burned. Look at it as you learned how to open up, you learned a lot about relationships and will learn a lot about yourself, you've taken a lot of positive steps. Look ahead, you have great things coming for you. good luck!

[MF2000]

Hey I have to agree with what the other ppl have said here.

 

I was in a similar situation as you Felton. I broke up with my first love last June after 2.5years together. She went out immediately with someone and I was in the doldrums. Best way to recover is to reconnect with friends, go out and be occupied. It may take a while but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger and yes you'll learn from it.

 

Don't read her blog as it will slow the healing process and constantly remind you of her!!

 

Think of it as a wound. Would a wound heal itself if it was constantly scratched?

 

I've made that mistake as I was constantly seeing my ex every weekend and it hurt seeing her all jolly etc and its a mistake I've only relearnt recently after I just broke up with someone after my first gf (though the break up was mutually unlike the first which was her!) The only way I recovered was keeping occupied and finding more about myself. Book a holiday or something you always wanted so you got something to look forward. You never know!

 

Keep strong mate and keep occupied!! We've all been there. Hell, I'm just going through another break up and what I learnt from the first helped alot recently!

[FeltonRoad]

I guess my situation is kinda weird, because I've told her she's the only close friend I have, and she told me I'm her best friend. I want to leave her alone most of the time because I feel like I'm a constant reminder of bad things. But at the same time, friends don't normally purposely not talk to another friend do they? I guess I get the impression sometimes that she wants to be left alone. I want to try to go no contact for a while to give her space. I think it would be good for her and for me. She tells me she doesn't want me to be afraid to call her and stuff, but I still find myself afraid to do it. I guess it feels awkward talking to her, I still feel like I can say stuff like I said when we were together, but I never do, it just feels weird. "i love you" is always on the tip of my tongue or I almost call her "babe" like we did when we were together. Sometimes I feel like telling her she's sexy and beautiful, but I know thats inappropriate since she's with another guy now. I wish i could get her off my mind, I think about her every day for most of the day, and when I go to bed I have dreams about her. Its funny because she constantly doubted my love for her when we were together. I think its something with my voice, I have been told I lack enthusiasm when I talk. I think its because I have been having problems with depression most of my life and it makes me always sorta unexcited about most things. oh well, i gotta go to work. Good thing its friday.

[Island Girl]

I guess my situation is kinda weird, because I've told her she's the only close friend I have, and she told me I'm her best friend.

 

You moved very quickly and unfortunately it usually leads to this kind of situation for the person who was "neediest". It is a really difficult thing to come to terms with.

 

But you centered your world around her -- a great compliment and great in the beginning of a relationship.

 

However this quickly turns when there is a person without many outside interests or friends involved.

 

There is a sense then of being overwhelmed by another's needs but because it is young love these feelings are stifled. It is a difficult subject and the one who is feeling overwhelmed doesn't want to hurt the other.

 

So it festers until it it becomes too big of a problem to ignore.

 

Then there is usually (in my experience 100%) a break up.

 

I want to leave her alone most of the time because I feel like I'm a constant reminder of bad things.

 

You should leave her alone.

 

When she talks to you, she is reminded of good things which makes her feel guilty because she hurt you.

 

She is also reminded of being overwhelmed by your relationship.

 

Both of those are not good for you.

 

So again, you should leave her alone. Complete NC. And do not explain this to her. Just do it.

 

But at the same time, friends don't normally purposely not talk to another friend do they?

 

Did you start off as friends for a long time before the relationship? Because if not, I hate to have to say it, but nothing really remains of the friendship.

 

If a very short friendship develops into a relationship there is really no foundation.

 

The "friendship" is embroiled in the romantic relationship. When the relationship ends it is the end of it all.

 

It can't be what it was -- and there really wasn't anything before that -- so there isn't anything left.

 

I guess I get the impression sometimes that she wants to be left alone. I want to try to go no contact for a while to give her space. I think it would be good for her and for me.

 

NC will be great for you. You need to move on and forget her honestly.

 

She has moved on. So should you.

 

You may not have a romantic involvement yet. But you have to have interests -- ? You really need to do the things you are interested in - this summer see about taking a couple classes in summer school. Look for art classes, etc. Whatever you're interested in.

 

If you are severely entrenched you could look at an exchange program to get away completely. It wouldn't hurt to have a new perspective of the world and how many people there truly are in it - and a new culture would help as well.

 

Whatever you do try to stay very busy learning new things and having fun.

 

Try to reach out to others to build more friendships. I know it can be hard but if you ARE going to take classes it is easier because you already have that in common.

 

She tells me she doesn't want me to be afraid to call her and stuff, but I still find myself afraid to do it.

 

She tells you this because she cares about you and wants you to be okay with the break up.

 

It alleviates her guilt because she is offering. But she doesn't want you to really do so. Unless she is looking for a boost and then knowing you are still hooked feeds her ego.

 

---- As a side note, if she was desperate and jumped in (sorry but that is usually what it is when things get to the "we're soul mates" phase so quickly) she was "fed" by your constant reassurances of how beautiful she is, how sexy, etc. It made it easier to find another who was there.

 

The lesson is don't just jump in and give yourself over completely.

 

You still need to keep some of yourself for yourself. It is a lot easier to get through these times when you haven't given it all up.

 

I guess it feels awkward talking to her, I still feel like I can say stuff like I said when we were together, but I never do, it just feels weird. "i love you" is always on the tip of my tongue or I almost call her "babe" like we did when we were together. Sometimes I feel like telling her she's sexy and beautiful, but I know thats inappropriate since she's with another guy now.

 

It IS inappropriate. You shouldn't say what you still feel like saying.

 

I'm so glad you haven't.

 

She is with another guy now. They are sharing time, etc.

 

Think about this. Why do you want to talk to another guy's girlfriend?

 

And if she were your girlfriend again would you want him calling her for any reason? Probably not.

 

So don't call her. Complete NC.

 

I wish i could get her off my mind, I think about her every day for most of the day, and when I go to bed I have dreams about her.

 

You won't begin to get over her until you let her go.

 

You won't begin to let her go until you go NC. This is what it is for.

 

NC lets YOU move on. --- She already has.

 

Its funny because she constantly doubted my love for her when we were together.

 

She is insecure and needed constant reassurances. You provided those and she used that borrowed confidence to move on to someone else.

 

I think its something with my voice, I have been told I lack enthusiasm when I talk. I think its because I have been having problems with depression most of my life and it makes me always sorta unexcited about most things. oh well, i gotta go to work. Good thing its friday.

 

I'm sorry to hear you have struggled with depression. Have you been to a psychiatrist?

 

And I do mean a psychiatrist NOT a psychologist.

 

A psychiatrist is a medical doctor who went through medical school, graduated, and went further to study the brain, it's processes, and the chemical imbalances that can cause things like depression.

 

It sounds like you are somewhat disengaged from aspects of your life. I hope you can get help with that.

 

Yes - it is Friday. I hope it is the last Friday you feel this much in turmoil over this.

 

Go NC. And it will help you get better each day. If you don't you'll be so busy looking behind you that you won't be able to see what could come next.

 

Good luck to you.

[FeltonRoad]

Yeah you're right, it will be tough, but I'll do my best too keep NC. I guess the annoying thing about the relationship is I wasn't needy at all for most of it, I was pretty good at keeping myself happy, then she would get mad whenever I'd be hanging out with other people and I started feeling bad about leaving her alone while I was out having fun. Then I started avoiding my friends to spend time with her. And actually i never ever had any problems with her hanging out with other people until she kissed that dude and hung out with him repeatedly afterwards. If he had really been "just a friend" I wouldn't have gotten mad at all any of the times they hung out. I guess I just can't believe how things changed. You explained it pretty well though, thats what I felt too, like I got her out of a slump so she could meet other guys. I'm pretty sure I was a rebound from her last relationship which was 2 years long. I just feel so used and spit out. I guess I'll get over it eventually. I'll try out this NC thing. I guess I'll have to see how it turns out.

[Island Girl]

Yeah you're right, it will be tough, but I'll do my best too keep NC. I guess the annoying thing about the relationship is I wasn't needy at all for most of it, I was pretty good at keeping myself happy, then she would get mad whenever I'd be hanging out with other people and I started feeling bad about leaving her alone while I was out having fun. Then I started avoiding my friends to spend time with her.

 

Part of her insecurity led her to cut you off from your outside interests and other people. She wanted to be the one and only in your life. But when she got that she flipped the dynamics of the relationship so you were chasing after her and she was leaving you alone all the time.

 

Lesson to be learned here. Keep your friends and stay involved and maintain a separate life. It keeps you strong and less needy in the relationship and also preserves a support system so if something happens like this -- a break up -- you have other people to see and places to go.

 

And actually i never ever had any problems with her hanging out with other people until she kissed that dude and hung out with him repeatedly afterwards.

 

You sound like you were a lot more secure than she was. I hope you get back to that.

 

If someone commits any form of cheating - to me that is an emotional affair or anything physical like kissing, etc. - and you are trying to stay together and work through it, one of the clear MUSTS is that the other person has to be gone. No time spent together or seeing each other, etc.

 

The big red flag is she hung out with him afterwards. The first time she did that it should have been a deal breaker.

 

If he had really been "just a friend" I wouldn't have gotten mad at all any of the times they hung out.

 

As much as it may have hurt, it should have just been over. She betrayed you by kissing him and then again repeatedly by hanging out with him.

 

I'm sorry to say but even if you were willing to work it out after she kissed him, after she hung out with him the first time afterward, you should have broken up with her.

 

She should have been making reparations not doing more damage. That is a big clue that the person who cheated is not remorseful and is not willing to do what is necessary to repair what they themselves damaged.

 

I guess I just can't believe how things changed. You explained it pretty well though, thats what I felt too, like I got her out of a slump so she could meet other guys. I'm pretty sure I was a rebound from her last relationship which was 2 years long. I just feel so used and spit out. I guess I'll get over it eventually. I'll try out this NC thing. I guess I'll have to see how it turns out.

 

She treated you terribly.

 

She did not treat you as a person that she cares about.

 

She did not treat you as a friend.

 

She did not respect you or the relationship.

 

Now she has moved on to another.

 

NC is the only thing you can do to get over this and get on with your life.

[FeltonRoad]

thanks island girl, those last two replies to my posts have really woken me up. I had always thought everything she was doing was completely wrong, but I guess part of me was too attached and I couldn't let go of her even though I knew i wasn't being treated right. I think another reason I let the stuff happen again is because she was always telling me sob stories about him and his family and how he was having hard times and needed a friend. It made it really hard to argue or say anything. But once again, if she hadn't kissed him I wouldn't have complained. Although I probably wouldn't have been happy with him monopolizing all her time. I'm actually doing very well yesterday and today, I'm starting to feel more independent and I'm confident in this NC thing. And I actually feel like I don't need her anymore. Thanks for your advice people.

[Island Girl]

You sound so much better in your posts too!

 

I'm glad I could help you.

[KaneNAbel]

Part of her insecurity led her to cut you off from your outside interests and other people. She wanted to be the one and only in your life. But when she got that she flipped the dynamics of the relationship so you were chasing after her and she was leaving you alone all the time.

 

Lesson to be learned here. Keep your friends and stay involved and maintain a separate life. It keeps you strong and less needy in the relationship and also preserves a support system so if something happens like this -- a break up -- you have other people to see and places to go.

 

 

 

You sound like you were a lot more secure than she was. I hope you get back to that.

 

If someone commits any form of cheating - to me that is an emotional affair or anything physical like kissing, etc. - and you are trying to stay together and work through it, one of the clear MUSTS is that the other person has to be gone. No time spent together or seeing each other, etc.

 

The big red flag is she hung out with him afterwards. The first time she did that it should have been a deal breaker.

 

 

 

As much as it may have hurt, it should have just been over. She betrayed you by kissing him and then again repeatedly by hanging out with him.

 

I'm sorry to say but even if you were willing to work it out after she kissed him, after she hung out with him the first time afterward, you should have broken up with her.

 

She should have been making reparations not doing more damage. That is a big clue that the person who cheated is not remorseful and is not willing to do what is necessary to repair what they themselves damaged.

 

 

 

She treated you terribly.

 

She did not treat you as a person that she cares about.

 

She did not treat you as a friend.

 

She did not respect you or the relationship.

 

Now she has moved on to another.

 

NC is the only thing you can do to get over this and get on with your life.

 

 

Hey, this is almost identical to my situation. Except the guy my girl kissed was an ex who had cheated on her and we were only a week into our relationship, so I let things kinda slide since we were very new and weren't committed but we were intimate. She felt bad and still had plans to see him from before we even met. Does this change the dynamic of it all?

[Island Girl]

Hey, this is almost identical to my situation. Except the guy my girl kissed was an ex who had cheated on her and we were only a week into our relationship, so I let things kinda slide since we were very new and weren't committed but we were intimate. She felt bad and still had plans to see him from before we even met. Does this change the dynamic of it all?

 

Be careful. This ex is the dangerous "why doesn't he want me?" guy. Meaning that is what she felt because he cheated on her she felt somehow worth less to him and his opinion counts -- a lot. If he showed a lot of interest she may be swayed very easily.

 

Kissing an ex is a deal breaker for me. New or not. If you are still that wrapped up in your ex that you'd kiss or do anything else, then I'm not going to invest my time --- I would be investing in a relationship with someone who clearly isn't prepared to forge a new emotional bond.

 

Sorry for the thread-jack FR

[KaneNAbel]

Sorry for the thread-jack as well FR, one more comment for Island Girl though...you were totally right....the guy came back ready to put a ring on her finger and slowly crept back into the situation and that's where it is now. She broke things off with me and I feel devastated and she doesn't necessarily want to get back into a relationship with him but she doesn't want to cut him off and if she decides to go back, she told me it would be to actually marry him. Basically, I was the rebound and I was f*cked over.