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2day my boyfriend may dump me if i don't agree to get married

Chomage

By Chomage
in Marriage and Life Partnerships

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Chomage New Member

Chomage

Posted
Posted

Please married people help me! I won't be surprised if later today he leaves me. :o

 

My boyfriend, 30 yrs,who is away in the military for a few mths - is in a rush to be married - we love each other very much - today we are supposed to have a conversation about all the reasons I am not ready/need to be addressed. I can't explain what the issues are here - i wrote over 10 pages on info to discuss with him. Point is: I believe this stuff should be worked out B4, not after marriage. They include really valid stuff which i think any mature adult should at the least ponder before choosing a spouse. I think that if these issues still exist the way they are now, in 3 yrs or less - we will DEFinitely divorce. :sick:

 

He thinks I have no faith in the relationship and that anything can be worked out if people love each other.

What it is is: he is blatantly ignoring issues which HE himself will not put up with in the marriage - thinking we'll "work them out" even though we haven't been able to work them out for the past year because we've had my problems and money problems to address first.

 

He says he feels inadequate & him not being married is bull****.

He asks if he's not good enough.

He will listen to the concerns I have but he doesn't see why we can't work them out AFTER we get married.

He says if two people are truly in love then that is enough.

I disagree. :mad:

 

Background:

He is older 30, I'm 26. I think his rush is fueled not by his love, but by low self esteem. He has no desire to have children anytime soon if at all, he's not religious and he's broke - so I don't get the rush.

We've been living together for just over a year - the only reason why we've been living 2gether is cause I was in a TERRIBLE situation where I was unable to work for over a year it was really really bad and he was helping me. I have all plans to repay him for his sacrifices whether or not we stay together. Now, even though we both agreed that i would move out when things worked out for me - which are they working out now - he has started to threaten me with ultimatum after ultimatum - well if you move out we'll break up - as if WE didn't have this agreement.

So we can't stay 2gether if we don't get engaged NOW

and,

EVEN IF I agree to get married, I don't even have the option of livin where i want to friggin live before the wedding.

 

MARRIED PEOPLE HELP !!!!! :confused:

Curmudgeon Established Member

Curmudgeon

Posted
Posted

Long story short, don't do it. His rush is a sign of HIS insecurity and also, likely, a sign of distrust. He wants everything, including you, nailed down before you have a chance to become independent and lest you might meet someone else.

 

I met my wife when I was 45 and we married when I was 50, two years after I divorced the ex. I waited out those two years before asking my wife out for the first time (we'd met at work) just to make sure I was right for marriage after a long-term one (25r years) failed. I needed to be whole first.

 

Anything worth having, especially for life, is worth waiting for. There's no rush, especially not at 26 and 30. The last thing you should do is rush into a marriage because of someone else's pressure and insecurities.

 

If you have to ask for help then the time isn't right for you.

norajane Established Member

norajane

Posted
Posted

You have plenty of good reasons to be concerned. Marriage isn't something you should rush into, nor should you feel pushed into it. It's a lifetime commitment that both of you should want with a whole heart and be ready to agree to. If that's not where you are, then you have to listen to your gut instincts and wait until you can work through your issues.

 

If he breaks up with you, then what kind of commitment has he made to your relationship? He chooses to walk away instead of even considering your viewpoint might be valid, instead of working through it - not a good foundation for a marriage. Sure, it's romantic to think love conquers all, but love isn't the only thing that matters and it doesn't conquer all.

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

Posted
Posted

No one should try to strong-arm anyone into a relationship, nevermind marriage. If you don't address your issues pre-marriage, you are looking down divorce row in a few years. He sounds controlling. Don't back down unless it's what you want to do.

IpAncA Established Member

IpAncA

Posted
Posted
If you don't address your issues pre-marriage, you are looking down divorce row in a few years.

 

I agree too.

 

Seems like he would want to be with you no matter what. Kind of like taking you anyway he could. Even if that meant waiting. What's the hurry BTW?

Island Girl Established Member

Island Girl

Posted
Posted

He's seeing marriage as some kind of "fix" as if problems just get easier to work out, etc.

 

This is absolutely the opposite. Any problems you have before marriage are magnified after.

 

This is for a lifetime. There has to be giving in and compromising to get you through.

 

If he doesn't do these things now then the writing is pretty much on the wall as to what will happen if you go through with a marriage.

 

You don't want to end up divorced and you have 10 pages of written notes as to why you will be.

 

It shouldn't matter what he wants or says at this point.

 

You have to make your own decision for you.

 

If he gives you an ultimatum, look for the nearest exit, and tell him you will not be forced into a marriage when there are glaring problems that need to be addressed first.

Walk Established Member

Walk

Posted
Posted

I agree with the rest of the posters. And I think you're reasons for not getting married are EXTREMELY VALID.

 

Part of a good relationship is being able to listen to our partners concerns and problems with out resorting to threats, ultimatums or fear tactics.

 

If the relationship fails, it's his fault. To me.. sounds like you were prepared to discuss ways that would help the relationship, and he reacts like a spoiled child. His way or the highway mentality. I honestly think you'll be better off in the long run to find someone who's a lot more mentally mature then this guy is.

4whatItsWorth

4whatItsWorth

Posted
Posted

To be honest he does not only sound insecure but a bit controlling. People who give ultimatums for no reason are people you should look out for and try not to get trapped with them.

 

He's broke? If you're not, he'll get half your money least if you marry. I don't think he wants to marry you for love reasons only...I think there is more that lies beneath.

 

If he's not ready to commit to you in a way to respect your decisions and feelings - he is not husband material for you. If he gives the ultimatum, say no, and see if he'll really leave or simply say "Well, if you haven't changed your mind in a week I WILL leave you" and so on...you might find out he never does.

 

Then again, "If you love someone, you let them go. If they don't, then you were never meant to be." (or something)

Island Girl Established Member

Island Girl

Posted
Posted
Then again, "If you love someone, you let them go. If they don't, then you were never meant to be." (or something)

 

I think you mean "If you love something set it free. If it comes back to you it's yours. If it doesn't it never was."

Trialbyfire Established Member

Trialbyfire

Posted
Posted

Not to denigrate your thread OP but hopefully a little bit of humour will help:

 

*If You Love Something Variations*

THE ORIGINAL VERSION: If you love something, Set it free... If it comes back, it's yours, If it doesn't, it never was yours....

THE PESSIMIST VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

THE OPTIMIST VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... Don't worry, she will come back.

THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, ask her why.

THE IMPATIENT VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she doesn't comes back within some time limit, forget her.

THE PATIENT VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...

THE PLAYFUL VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat

THE LAWYER'S VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free... Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

THE BILL GATES VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free... If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

THE STATISTICIAN'S VERSION:: If you love somebody, Set her free... If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.

THE POSSESSIVE VERSION: If you love somebody don't ever set her free.

THE MBA VERSION: If you love somebody set her free... instantaneously... and look for others simultaneously.

THE PSYCHOLOGIST'S VERSION: If you love somebody set her free... If she comes back, her super ego is dominant If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

THE FINANCE EXPERT VERSION: If you love somebody set her free... If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans. If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

THE MARKETING VERSION: If you love somebody set her free... If she comes back, she has brand loyalty If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

4whatItsWorth

4whatItsWorth

Posted
Posted

THE IMPATIENT VERSION: If you love somebody, Set her free ... If she doesn't comes back within some time limit, forget her.

 

I think I liked that one the most. :love:

bridget_jones Established Member

bridget_jones

Posted
Posted

He doesn't sound very understanding or rational. I agree with the other poster that he has other motives besides love to get married.

If you agree to get married to him, definitely insist on a prenup.

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
He's seeing marriage as some kind of "fix" as if problems just get easier to work out, etc.

 

This is absolutely the opposite. Any problems you have before marriage are magnified after.

Makes sense. The idea that marriage will fix a relationship is a flawed approach - similar to those couples that try and fix their marriage by having a child. Never made sense to me...

 

Mr. Lucky

mental_traveller Established Member

mental_traveller

Posted
Posted

Here's a cast iron rule of relationships. Whenever anyone says "Marry me now or I'll leave", you don't even think for a moment - just dump them.

 

Believe me you will regret it otherwise. Someone who really loves you will understand your issues, and the fact that you want to be sure before making a lifetime commitment. Giving this ultimatum shows they don't appreciate or understand that, and therefore don't really love or respect you. Get out now before you mess up your life and your future.

Craig Established Member

Craig

Posted
Posted

Love would never demand that you sacrifice your-self in the manner that he is demanding.

 

1. Do not marry this man.

 

2. Release yourself from his influence, end the relationship and go no contact. You are better than this and deserve a healthy relationship based on things like love, trust and understanding among other things.

 

3. Seriously consider some counseling to address the issues that have you even thinking about marrying someone that threatens the relationship.

 

Best of luck to you.

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