Is it me or all girls?

[irish99]

i met this guy years ago and from the start the attraction was obvious, from both of us. A lot of flirting and finally he asked me out. I knew he was very nervous in doing so, we didn't even know each others name. Date was great. We made a second date but he canceled at the last minute. Over time we have remained friendly with hot and cold running passions and he has shown his 'desire' so to speak, to be with me. He always tried to make things go further at his place of business and I always said no! But several months ago, after knowing each other over three years things got out of control and we had sex. For all his talk, it was pretty evident he hadn't had sex in quite a while. It was very brief, a bit awkward, and after he couldn't speak. I asked him if that was that and he told me no way, he was crazy about me. Over the years we have established a friendship and I know he trusts me as he has opened up in ways most men would not. He is not a kid, he's 33 and has been married briefly twice and the last one really killed him. After we had sex he barley talked to me for four months. I would see him and he was always nice to me, but very shy and nervous. A couple months ago, it happened again. This time I have walked away, not so much in anger, but I am very hurt by his actions or lack of actions. I saw him a week ago for the first time in about six weeks and could tell he was nervous, but excited, to see me. Everyone who works for him knows his obvious attraction to me as they have all made comments, in a good way. My issue is, could this guy really be that nervous to be around me? He stutters and most of the time can't find the words to say anything intelligent. I don't think he is a player, it wouldn't have taken him three years to have sex with me!!! What do I do now? I really care about him and value his friendship but can't be with someone who is so terrified of me. So is this a game or Is he a beautiful jerk or maybe just scared to death of girls?

[AHIWON]

He likes you so much he is nervous. Thats why. ....well maybe. Try to loosen him up by you displaying any thing but nervous behavior. Bring up something different to talk about or tell him to get up and come look at something, the shape of that puffy cloud and how it looks like his uncle Jim. Anything, break the tension and nervousness. Distractions are good or a change in atmosphere, even a different topic to talk about.

 

He might have signs of more serious problems like low self esteem. Red flag and a sign of much worse stuff to come later in the relationship if it isn't corrected. There is what I should have not put up with early on, later it turned into outright verbal and emotional abuse. That took 13 years to finally end and it was miserable and sad for the last 6 or 7 years. It will suck the life out of you. Nobody should have to go thru that but many do. Watch yourself and look for any signs of something wrong with your SO mentally. Personality disorders in particular.

[irish99]

Well, goodness, that is certainly what I thought, that he liked me....a lot! but something has happened but now he barely speaks to me. I have a feeling he read a poem I wrote which made him even more skittish. I saw him the other day and he couldn't get away from me fast enough. He was friendly, but quickly found an excuse to get the hell out of dodge. What now? I just wish I didn't care for him so much. I wonder if he is gay!

[Road Rage]

It seems all men are speechless around you:laugh:

[Curmudgeon]

I wonder if he's not using you for occasional sex which makes him nervous and embarrassed to be around you lest you figure it out.

 

On the other hand, perhaps he really is shy and unsure of himself.

 

Maybe he is gay or bi.

 

Why don't you just come right out and ask him what's going on?

 

Then ask yourself why you persist in a relationship that really isn't and seems to be going nowhere.

[guest]

For some reason it won't let me log in--its me irish99

 

Point taken! And i have asked myself that same question, repeatedly. He got under my skin. I wondered about the whole casual sex thing as well, but he is a bit too awkward. I have backed way off, I just don't like that he feels he has to be so nervous around me after all this time.

 

I did pose the question to him, what happens now, and he assured me it would be ok. Obviously it is not, that is why I backed off and am keeping my distance. It just makes me sad that he has to be so weird when he sees me. He lights up, but he runs scared. Go figure!

 

Thanks for the insight.

 

(and yes, men are sometimes speachless around me! you should see me!)

[Limerent]

Hi Irish99,

 

Just a thought, but could it possible that perhaps he is involved with someone else? The reason I say that is because his behaviour reminds me of something similiar a friend of mine was going through with her "crush" and the end result was that he had a long time live in girlfriend. Other things that stood out were:

 

He always tried to make things go further at his place of business and I always said no

 

Why at the place of business? Why not invite you out somewhere? Unless he is the owner, and he is concerned what his employees might think were he to take you outside of it?

 

I saw him the other day and he couldn't get away from me fast enough. He was friendly, but quickly found an excuse to get the hell out of dodge.

 

Why run when he says he is crazy about you? Furthermore, why avoid you like the plague? 4 months??? That is a heck of a long time to stay away from someone who they claim they are crazy about.

 

Nerves, sure, I buy it. It has happened to me, some guys just get anxious, but something tells me its a little more than his nerves at play here. Especially since you both have broken the ice and had sex twice. Aside from it being a little akward, he didnt seem too nervous about having sex with you or it would have never happened.

 

Dig around a little. Find out if perhaps he might have a wife or gf stashed away somewhere that no one knows about.

[Trialbyfire]

I would ask this guy about what his issues were. This guy has my spidey-sense tingling to the point where I would run like the wind...

[irish99]

Thanks for the insight. I wondered about the wife, girlfriend thing, however, I found his myspace page and there is no way the guy is married. He was married, twice, and I know he was really hurt If he still is, his wife is very tolerant, or they have a very, very open relationshiop. He does own the business, and I know he is very busy. He at one point, long ago, told me, when anything happens its between us and he didn't want his employees to know. RED FLAG!!! But he quickly changed to being very open about me. No matter how much distance I put between us, he always comes back to me. However, I just saw him, not planned, just ran into him, and with great hopes I was going to talk to him and find out what was going on, but he was as nervous as a cat in a room full of rocking chairs. I played with his dog and he got a bit angry and told me it was time to stop playing, he had work to do and walked away. So, I too, am walking away. I don't know what his trip is, I know I really care about him, and if I was a betting girl, I would ride it all on his feelings for me. After all this time, though, I can't keep playing his way.

[Curmudgeon]

(and yes, men are sometimes speachless around me! you should see me!)

 

...but I have to warn you, I wouldn't be speechless. For one thing, I'm getting up in years and I've yet to find anyone or anything that intimidates me or strikes me dumb. I'd be much more likely to flirt with you than be agog of you. I work in politics and am around gorgeous women every day. It attracts them.

 

Besides, we old farts will say almost anything, don't you know? We can always pass it off as a senior moment!

[irish99]

Thanks for the assumption, but who said anything about gorgeous??

[Curmudgeon]

Well, you know what they say about assumptions!