LadyJane was damn right about something... I love my husband more than I ever knew!

[RecordProducer]

Unfortunately LadyJane has never shown up in my threads, which doesn't mean I can't contact her, but she said in another thread that often we feel like the love is gone and it can be easily reborn. Well, I didn't believe her..

 

 

Hubby and I had plans to go to Florida together and after some fights, I made sure he goes by himself. So he left. I took a nap and when I woke up, I realized that I missed him so terribly that I could never imagine my life without him. I wasn't angry, I completely understand why he left, I have no problem with him taking a vacation on his own (I fully trust him), and it wasn't abandoning on his side, it was more on my side (he repeatedly asked me if I wanted to go). I have some experience in love and I know how things work so this time I know that what I felt was just enormous sadness and missing.

 

I did some thinking and realized that I haven't been a good wife (said this before) and while he has failed in some aspects, he is a good man; honorable, faithful, loves my kids and me and deserves more than what I gave him.

 

I have to get him to a marriage counselor and we have to work on re-building our romance. I don't want anyone else in my life. I love him to death.

 

I called him and told him how much I missed him and loved him and said I would come to Florida with the kids on a commercial flight. He should call me when he setles in the hotel. He was upset with me.

 

I was so stupid for thinking I could ever live without him. And our problem with his brother - I will get rid of it. I'll make him move in a couple years, but as hubby said: I should try to be nicer to him. His brother is a grumpy, moody jerk so I should prove that I am better than that.. So far I haven't, I've been abusive myself.

[Mr. Lucky]

So he left. I took a nap and when I woke up, I realized that I missed him so terribly that I could never imagine my life without him.

So all the back and forth discussion between the two of you you've described in your previous posts had no effect but you slept for an hour and came to a conclusion? Did you eat jalapenos or dark chocolate before your nap?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Tony T]

The idea of going to a counselor is the best one you have. You need to start from scratch. It's been my opinion from the very start that neither of you know what marriage is all about. I don't mean this as an insult, I say this out of love for both of you. The two of you aren't the only ones.

 

The first hint of problems I had was that you were posting on this forum about problems just hours after your wedding. That frightened me a little.

 

It strikes me that neither of you know what marriage is all about or what's supposed to happen between two people who are in that union. No, you don't have to feel lovey dovey all the time. However, there are matters of consideration, respect, caring, communication, forgiveness, etc. that are essential to any married union. There also MUST be passion or you are only roommates. Too many expectations can be the death of any relationship, romantic...friendship...business or whatever.

 

It is essential that you see an excellent counselor and resolve to take the whole relationship once again from the top. Start it anew with some skills that will take you to the finish line.

 

Sadly, at this point some people realize they simply aren't right for each other as marriage partners. That's perfectly OK. It's better to find out earlier than later.

 

I regret that there are people here who are taking this lightly and posting what in my opinion are pointless responses to what I feel is a very serious matter you are now having to deal with.

[RecordProducer]

Tony T, thank you for your absolutely wonderful, thoughtful, and caring response. If you have followed my threads, you might have read that he is not into counseling, but he stated once that if I go and the counselor wants to see him, he would come. So maybe I'll just do that. But first I will see the psychologist I made a first appointment with.

 

As you said, some people give up, but now I know that I can't give up when I love. And if I let him dump me, it's still giving up. I need to "take control" over him in the sense that he needs to start trusting me and seeing me as a friend more and his brother and family less. Unfortunately, every relationship has some major problem. Even if not every relationship has them, as demanding in love and about partners as I am, I could never have everything right. So I have to fight. But it might be worth it, after all. Because looking further might not lead me to a perfect love, but to more disappointment and a realization that love is a lot of effort in one way or another.

 

And if I would find someone that could understand me completely, he would most likely have other faults or not love my kids so much or I would simply never fall in love with the person who would be right, because I wouldn't meet him or wouldn't like him on the third sight.

 

Mr. Lucky, despite of reading it twice, I didn't understand your comment. I hope whatever you wanted to say was constructive.

[JamesM]

Good luck. You know you have our support.

 

It is interesting that many people when they realize that they may actually lose the person that they think they hate...they suddenly realize that they actually love that person.

 

Hate and anger are not the opposite of love. Usually they are because we love. When we no longer love, we become apathetic.

[RecordProducer]

Hate and anger are not the opposite of love. Usually they are because we love. When we no longer love, we become apathetic.

This is so very true.

[Porn_Guy]

Hate and anger are not the opposite of love. Usually they are because we love. When we no longer love, we become apathetic.

The opposite of love is indifference...RP as long as you're not indifferent all is OK

[Mr. Lucky]

Mr. Lucky, despite of reading it twice, I didn't understand your comment. I hope whatever you wanted to say was constructive.

Let's just agree that whatever I was trying to say did not come across well. Sorry!

 

My intent was not so much constructive as it was inquisitive. You have posted in some detail the discussions that you and your H have had (arguementative and otherwise) about your relationship and in-laws. Whatever value those discussions had, it took his departure and absence (and a nap, that was the part I thought was funny ) to clarify your feelings. I thought that was strange and wonder why you thought it happened that way?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ladyjane14]

Unfortunately LadyJane has never shown up in my threads...

 

I've turned up a time or two, early on. But honey... you're a stubborn girl. Sweet. But stubborn.

 

 

 

But if you want an opinion on a few of your earlier threads, I'll tell you this:

 

You were right about the mattress. That's just gross.

 

You were wrong about his family. Putting up with the in-laws is something you don't do for their sake. You do it for your spouse.

 

You were wrong about the cops. Those guys were just doing their jobs. AND... you don't leave during an argument unless it becomes violent. You take a time-out on the premises if you need one, but you don't leave.

 

And finally, I'm withholding opinion on the abortion. If YOU were fine with it then I'll follow your lead. But if you weren't and you felt pressured... then he was wrong.

 

Gosh, it feels GOOD to let all that out!!! I'm such a Nosy-Nate.

 

 

 

many people when they realize that they may actually lose the person that they think they hate...they suddenly realize that they actually love that person.

 

I agree with James... sometimes we don't know what we had until after it's gone. But when you get to wondering 'why' that's true, it leads you back to your own emotions. In that moment, when 'what you had' is lost to you... there's an absence of the former hostility you might have associated with that person. The labels come off, and you can see CLEARLY.

Those feelings of resentment and frustration aren't impeding the view any more. And with them out of the way for a few minutes... your other feelings have an opportunity to surface. I think the trick to keeping them out of the way is in keeping those more "red-hot" feelings under control.

 

Of course, there will be times when your mate pisses you off, but it's okay to take some time to work through all that and decide in a definitive way if it's really something HE needs to address or something that YOU need to address. I've got to tell you... alot of times I stew on a problem for as much as three days and finally determine in all fairness that the problem was ME.

Sometimes, I just take a comment (or action) the wrong way, providing intent that really wasn't his.

 

Anyway, I think it's a GREAT idea for you to begin marriage counseling, even if you initially need to go alone.

 

To be honest, I can't think of a single relationship IRL that began on the internet and survived. I'm sure they're out there, but I've never met anyone in person that it's worked out for is all I'm saying. It's possible that there's a fantasy element that can result in a handicap as people get to know one another close up and personal. IOW, I think there's a possibility that internet relationships begin behind the 'start line' and have to make up lost ground.

 

In a scenario like that, we have two people who believe they know pretty much all there is to know about one another, but in reality... they've spent less time in each other's company than most other couples who decide to marry have spent. We take in ALOT of non-verbal information when we're in close observation of another person, and THAT doesn't have as much opportunity to happen when the relationship is mostly a long-distance one.

 

You're playing behind the line, RP. But.. that doesn't mean you two can't work it out. You're just going to have to be more understanding and gentle with one another while you do it. :bunny:

[RecordProducer]

Thanks everyone for your replies. LJ, I read your post carefully. Thanks.

I am flying to Florida in a three hours. I have to go. See you in a week, guys.

[whichwayisup]

Have a safe flight RP, and go kiss your hubby as soon as you see him. Tell him you're gonna do what is necessary to make sure the marriage works, though he has to do the same. Compromise is a good thing!

 

As for his bro and sis-in-law, you're gonna have to be the bigger person and take the first step. I know it will be hard to do...Admit that you all got off on the wrong foot, and for the sake of the family and the kids, make them understand that you intend on starting off on a clean slate. Hopefully bro and sis-in-law will follow suit and do the same. (*this also means that your husband MUST NOT allow his twin bro to bash you anymore in his presence.)

[Ladyjane14]

Have fun!

Don't make the whole week about marriage-building or emotional bonding. Keep it light. Your temptation will be to spend every minute 'joined at the hip'. But it'll come off as insecurity if you do. Time for individuality is just as important as time for being a couple.

 

Apologize nicely for whatever YOU brought to the disagreement... but don't prostrate yourself. You don't want to give away the store, honey. He ain't perfect either.

[Gunny376]

To be honest! You're still young and hard headed. You've a lot to learn about what it takes to make a relationship ~ let alone a marriage work.

 

I know and the reason I know is because at 49? I still don't know! Its a lifelong journey there RP!

 

At some point, you've got to make a turn, and make a stand! At some point you've got to turn around and say, "Semper Fi ~ Do or Die" or "Come Hell or High water!"

 

At some point ~ you've got to quit running from yourself!

[Trialbyfire]

Glad to see you working on your relationship RP.

 

Have fun in Florida. Three weeks of fun in the sun.

[mental_traveller]

Don't smother him. Bite your tongue if he says or does something a bit insensitive. And be patient with the relatives. Other than that, good luck!

[enoughisenough]

It doesn't surprise me that he had to get away from you for a while. And that's actually a good thing to gain some space for even a small period of time.

You smother him, are self-righteous and apparently try to make his life a living hell. You might feel like you love him but you've been there before and that ended up not true in hind-sight. The question is if he loves you? He doesn't cater to any of your needs whatsoever. You both seem very incompatable and need counseling pronto but you've mentioned before that he would never go.

You sound moreso co-dependent and fearful of being alone again.

How long has he been living along-side his brother? You knew what you were getting yourself into before marriage. He lived next to his family and in-laws stereotypically and many times rightfully so are not a cake walk.

You brought many of these problems on yourself. You didn't wait for him to change his lifestyle before marriage and rushed into it expecting that to come later. You mentioned you wanted to change your man. He's an old dog. That liner has been used by women for ages and is almost never fruitful.

 

I'm with gunny all the way.

But you just seem entirely mixed up and have huge emotional swings. Ever persue consultations to see if there is a mental problem there? It's nothing to be ashamed of. My family has a history of anxiety and other problems. You are young and stubborn. I don't think you will really ever come to terms with the your role in the problems of your marriage or with your in-laws. And then when people make a little criticism against your hubby, you can't handle that either. A lot of denial going on. I don't know what else to say here.

 

But besides that, there is hope to straighten things out but you have to look inside yourself for what problems you are contributing; not just concentrate on other peoples wrong-doings. There are things people do and they just can't or don't want to realize it. Counseling for BOTH parties ( you and hubby ) and maybe even a psychiatrist if there are other issues you both have.

 

Sorry if that sounded harsh, but good luck anyways. We all need it.