He sees OW everyday

[smartgirl]

My husband was involved with a coworker for a year. It was messy at the end and the last year post-affair has been hell. She periodically harasses him with her angry rants. My husband and I have been working hard to put things back together. He has been doing all he can, but the fact that he has to work with her everyday is killing me. It might be better if she didn't still bring it all up, but I don't know if even then it would help. It is complicated, but he cannot leave for some time. She has changed jobs frequently and has the kind of job where you can do that, but this time she is hanging in there - probably out of spite. Does anyone have stories about how they were able to cope with the jealousy, fear, sadness, etc of knowing your H is seeing his ex-lover at the scene of the crime on a daily basis? I would appeciate your help.

[harleygirl92156]

Same situation here. How I handle it. Well, my husbands OW was married. She continued to try and talk to him and be "friends" with him after things were out in the open. I allowed him to handle the situation himself, since he was the one that made the mess. She wouldn't let up, so after several months I took matters into my own hands.

I waited for her one day after work and ask her if I could talk to her, I made sure there were enough people around that she wouldn't say no for fear of the scene it may cause.

I told her I was aware of her relationship with my husband and we could talk about how it should be handled and if she didn't want to talk to me about it, my husband and I would be talking to her husband about how it should be handled. She was contrite, apologized and stated she would stop all contact.

That was nearly a year ago and the woman will walk a mile out of her way to avoid even seeing my huband. She knows I mean business because I did a no no that may be illegal, not sure, but I taped the converstaion and have her on tape admitting the affair and stating she is the one that started it and went after my husband for three years before he finally relented.....he was drunk, not making excuses, but it is just a fact. I let her know I had the tape and she has been a very well behaved OW since then.

If she is married, maybe you and your husband need to have a discussion with her husband.

If she is not married, maybe he needs to file a sexual harrassment charge against her with the employer....that is if it wouldn't affect his job.

Or, maybe you and your husband need to confront her together and tell her that you know of the affair, you and your husband are working things out and you would like her to keep her distance.

Good luck, I know exactly what you are going through. It isn't easy, but it does get better and easier. It has been two years for us and things are finally just getting comfortable. I still have days when I would like to puke thinking about it, but they are few and far between now compared to the daily, hourly thoughts when I first was told.

Good luck and God bless, you have a long road, but sounds like your hubby is being open and honest with you about things and that is a huge plus for your chances of staying together.

Also, sometimes if you just ignore someone and don't participate in their game, ie by giving them a reaction, they get bored and and move on.

You have lots of options, just think it through and do what is best for you.

[Ruby Tuesday]

After D-Day, OW showed-up at FWS work with her kids in the car to bring him back his sweatshirt. She said. Let's not be enemies.

 

WTF? Lets be friends?

 

Showing-up with your kids in the car?

 

they dont work together but this is a small town and she still drives by alot but we just ignore her.

[mopar crazy]

My H also had an A w/ a co-worker also. He left me for her but after a couple of stupidity he realized he didn't want our M to end. He admitted the A (he denied it the whole time it was going on and so did the OW). Anyhow, he ended it w/ the OW. They thought they could be friends but I told him that there is no way in he!! I would allow that. I told them it's hard enough w/ him working w/ her but to be friends, no. He agreed w/ me and said that he will keep their conversations professional only. Well, he told me that she was still flirting, talking about sex, crap like that. He told her to stop, he was trying to work on his M and it was hard enough for me to deal w/ them working together as it was. He copied off the IM between them and showed it to me.

She was always calling him using work as an excuse. One day she called and I told her to stop calling or H would be a restraining order on her. She never called after that and to make a long story short, she got H fired.

 

I'm sorry you are dealing w/ this situation. It's hard enough to deal w/ the fact your H had an A but deal w/ the fact he sees the OW on a daily basis is hard too. I had to try REALLY hard to trust my H but I didn't trust her at all. She was after my H for three years b4 their A started. She would say otherwise but when I called her on her BS she didn't say a word. Ppl that worked w/ them could see that she was a flirt w/ him all the time. Anyhow, my advice is to try to really trust your H. I know it's hard he works w/ her but if he has really shown you he wants to work on the M he will keep the R w/ the xOW professional only. If she continues to have inappropriate behavior I would tell him to turn her into HR. GL! I hope things get better.

[shellys-trying]

H ended the A on dday, and since they worked in the same place, that evening at work, he went up to her, with coworkers' witnessing, and told her it was over,to which the OW told him he didn't have to avoid her.

 

He told her it was best because he was wrong in what he did with her and wanted to work on his M and he loved his W.

@ months later this XOW followed me into a store and I confronted her, telling her exacting what I thought of her behavior. I told her how my H felt about her and then made the mistake of telling her to ask him, if she didn't believe me.

She did and continued for the next several day or weeks to call him over to her work area until he got tired of it and told her to leave him alone.

 

I'm leaving out some huge chunks in the story, but you get my meaning.

 

it was hard from dday till the day she actually quit the place alltogether 6 months late.

I didn't get it that when H said it was over, he'd meant it. He had had no interest in her any after that. Even said he'd last visited her house for a quickie 3 weeks before dday. She knew he'd lost interest and had spent 2 phone calls to me, via a friend, ratting their A out, the last couple weeks before dday.

I went thru he!! those months knowing she was working there. It was awful. I know how you feel, but if your man is recommitted to you, you're on track and this skank at work, she'll get it.

She's just being spiteful and if he needs to tell her, infront of people, to leave him alone, he should.

Obviously, like a homewrecker, she isn't worried about her job, so getting fired is no biggy for her.

H's xOW got mad because she got him to call me from work so she could talk with me, to which I repeated telling her to leave us alone. She ran thru the cafeteria yelling if she got fired he would.

H knew she was a lunatic gold digger for sure then.

He still works there, and really dislikes working there, even tho' she's been gone for 5 yrs. He still has to walk around areas where he had to deal with her, good and bad, and he hates it.

[Curmudgeon]

I did a no no that may be illegal, not sure, but I taped the converstaion and have her on tape admitting the affair and stating she is the one that started it and went after my husband for three years before he finally relented.....he was drunk, not making excuses, but it is just a fact. I let her know I had the tape and she has been a very well behaved OW since then.

 

Iowa state law regarding taping conversations:

 

Iowa Code § 727.8: It is a misdemeanor in Iowa under general criminal laws to tap into a communication of any kind, including telephone conversations, unless the person listening or recording is a sender or recipient of the communication, or is openly present and participating in the conversation. Thus, one party to a communication generally may record it without the consent of the other parties.

 

Since she knew she was talking to you, you didn't break any laws.

[smartgirl]

Thank you all for your words and support. The OW is married and her husband is older. I have thought about going to him, but I am too afraid that it will backfire and he will go after my H or ruin him. My husband did the major stupid - he is an officer of the company and she is a lower level employee. She is emotional and spiteful and might go after him or the H might make her. Sometimes she says she is afraid I will tell her H and sometimes she threatens to tell him herself to scare my H. I just can't be sure what she will do so I don't do anything.

 

My H and I love each other very much, but this is killing us both. I am not religious, but I believe strongly in forgiveness when it is being sought and earned. But I am sad and fear what effect it has on him to be working with her. I let myself get very overweight (complicated) and other stuff that made him ripe for this. He decided I was the one he wanted even so. I've since lost the weight, been working out and look good - but I know that part of his fixation was her implant-aided hot body. She's 15 years younger. I keep worrying that seeing her makes him miss the hot affair sex and her body. He says it doesn't, but would he really tell me if he did.

 

Does anyone else know about this. How does it affect the H? Does it make the recovery take longer because he still gets the mental pictures and misses being with the kind of woman other guys stare at? Is being reminded of it everyday because he is in the same office/parking garage keep it fresh or just make him feel sicker about it over time. This all makes me feel so insecure about my appearance and my sex appeal.

[shellys-trying]

You know, if your H is totally honest with you, only he can answer those questions. I wish I had an answer for you that would ease your mind. I've been in that place.

 

I can say that when my H ended the A with the OW, he was done. As time went on, he got to where the more time, quality time, he spent with us, his family, the more he hated what he'd done.

 

Even just a couple months down the road from the ending of the A, she got to where she was summoning him over to her at work, wanting to know this and that, and he was her supervisor/boss. That really got to wearing on his nerves.

He couldn't try and show everyone at work that he wasn't a cheating MM anymore if she was hailing him everytime he walked by. So, he finally told her to leave him alone. See, everytime she stopped him at work, I'd call her up and tell her to leave him alone at work. It went on and on until she asked him at work to call me, which he stupidly did (thinking she was going to apologize for the A)and when I agreed to let him hand her the phone, I didn't let her get a word in and told her to leave us alone, she was history, the past and to move on herself, it was over. That's when she hung the phone up and took off into the cafeteria yapping like a hyena where the whole shift could hear and see her desperation, knowing she wasn't going to win. He was done with her.

He said it was the most disgusting thing he'd ever seen. That he couldn't believe he'd skanked with something so conniving and deceitful. he!!, one of her xBF's that also worked there had described her as "a sneaky bitch". Very nice on the outside, but inside rotten to the core.

 

So, IMO, I think if the xOW in your and your H's dealings has become a pain in the a*ss to where it's not only grating on your nerves but your H's as well, I can pretty much tell you he isn't having fond memories of their affair times together.

By now he's probably wanting to kick his own butt for even doing what he did. He's probably wondering like my H what it was he saw in her in the first place.

 

Homewreckers always end up going haywire and all psycho when things don't go their way.

She's obviously mad because she can't have the choice of being a cake eater(having her A with your H and keeping her hubby), because your H chose you over her. He didn't give her the choice.

 

I know all about the whole afraid of your H losing his job over a POS like her.

My H had to go before his boss over the skank, when she ran thru the cafeteria whining like a sore loser that if she got fired he would too.

H's boss had done heard some stuff on the woman so he wasn't about to fire H over it. But the homewrecker wouldn't have cared. Atleast she'd have gotten some kind of revenge.

She never did. She left that place 6 months after the A ended knowing she was just a POA, and she'd done slept with several other guys within that time(2 I know of). By then, all the men, single or M knew she was an easy lay and they took advantage of it.

 

The xOW you are dealing with unfortunately is a wildcard by the sound of it. Has your H tried going to Human Resources? Explaining himself and the situation? I'm sure he has coworkers who would vouch for his behavior since ending the A. That may help.

[Trialbyfire]

Depending on the size of the company, execs tend to understand these types of situation and will find a way to get rid of her by dangling a substantial settlement in exchange for a release. As an officer of the company, I'm assuming he's part of this type of brotherhood. If he's not senior enough, if he has networked properly, he may be able to find employment elsewhere. If that's not his style, it might be time to start networking externally. She could bring down a budding career if he's only in the lower tier of exec mgmt.

[shellys-trying]

Depending on the size of the company, execs tend to understand these types of situation and will find a way to get rid of her by dangling a substantial settlement in exchange for a release. As an officer of the company, I'm assuming he's part of this type of brotherhood. If he's not senior enough, if he has networked properly, he may be able to find employment elsewhere. If that's not his style, it might be time to start networking externally. She could bring down a budding career if he's only in the lower tier of exec mgmt.

 

 

Unfortunately, in these situations, the MP's family has to suffer from what the cheating spouse has done. I feel bad for this poster. I really do. I've been in a situation much like hers.

I hope she gets some peace from this and soon.

If only the cheater would think of this beforehand, but it never/hardly ever works that way.

[Trialbyfire]

Unfortunately, in these situations, the MP's family has to suffer from what the cheating spouse has done. I feel bad for this poster. I really do. I've been in a situation much like hers.

I hope she gets some peace from this and soon.

If only the cheater would think of this beforehand, but it never/hardly ever works that way.

I feel bad for her too.

 

It's not an untenable situation though, if he wants to take action in some way. From what I've seen, most of these guys will gamble that the OW leaves before it hits the fan at work. While I normally don't agree that the OW should have to leave, this one is vindictive, therefore I have no sympathy for her at all.

[shellys-trying]

I feel bad for her too.

 

It's not an untenable situation though, if he wants to take action in some way. From what I've seen, most of these guys will gamble that the OW leaves before it hits the fan at work. While I normally don't agree that the OW should have to leave, this one is vindictive, therefore I have no sympathy for her at all.

 

I don't think anyone should have to leave their job, if they get over the A, cheating spouse/SO & OP,and just go on with their lives at work/out of work.

But, like you said, it's clear this xOW is very digruntled. She needs to be removed from this workplace, especially if the MM has realized his mistake and is trying to rectify it and move on with his life.

 

Some people would say that's unfair to the OW but it's not really. She's M too plus she knew the odds of the MM leaving his W for her.

She should be humiliated because of the grief and the ruckus she's showing the BW & xMM, not that she got dumped by the MM.

 

In essence, she needs to have some pride and move on.

[Trialbyfire]

In essence, she needs to have some pride and move on.

Yo baby, bang on.

 

It's over so have some pride and walk away. It was a risk undertaken by two consenting adults with no consideration for others, so why drag others into the equation after-the-fact.

[smartgirl]

Thanks all. It sounds like everyone has experienced a mixed bag. One H got fired because of the A and in other cases the OW left. My family has so much to lose if my H gets exposed. I'm not as afraid as my H that she will do something to get him on purpose. I don't think she would want to risk having other people think of her as a whore - which they would because my husband is a really decent guy and very well liked. She is the type that lives to have men look at her and make women feel envious. The first part seems to work. I think women rarely envy a woman who is so stuck on herself. Our therapist believes that despite the fact that she acts like she is all-that, she is deeply insecure. That is why she can't get over the A.

 

As I said, I'm not as worried that she will try and get him fired, I just worry that her "talks" are going to get them exposed. She doesn't do it as much as she used to. She hasn't for a few months (that I know of)since I came into the office and let her know that I know who she is. After she found out I knew she got really bad for a bit, but my H stuck to his guns in telling her that working on his marriage was the most important thing and he wasn't going to keep me away from the office. The very difficult thing about this OW is she believes that an A is justified if the emotions are "honest" - meaning that both affair partners are in it for love. They both discussed at various points whether they would consider leaving their spouses for each other and concluded they would not. But because he has chosen me, because he didn't continue to see her as "friends" after I found out, because he told me things about her, she feels betrayed. That's rich - she feels betrayed. She wanted to believe that she was more important to him than me and when she realized she wasn't she felt used. Twisted logic for sure. I think that is part of what bothers me the most about her still being there - that she feels justified, that my husband is the only bad guy and doesn't feel bad in the least for my pain since she feels that is my husband's fault too. She is right about that last part, but it seems so inhuman to not feel bad for helping to cause an innocent person's pain. He is paying a big price and she is waltzing away scott free. I wish I could focus on the fact that she now knows I am more important to him than she is, but I am plagued by the knowledge that for a year she gloried in the many ways he put her first and the risks he took to be with her. Am I just being a drama queen?

[shellys-trying]

"They both discussed at various points whether they would consider leaving their spouses for each other and concluded they would not. But because he has chosen me, because he didn't continue to see her as "friends" after I found out, because he told me things about her, she feels betrayed. That's rich - she feels betrayed. She wanted to believe that she was more important to him than me and when she realized she wasn't she felt used. Twisted logic for sure."

 

This woman is very twisted and does need some kind of therapy. I would say in truth your H was telling her what she wanted to hear way back when just to knock off a free one now and then.

My H told me everything about the trash he skanked with. She hated it, too. She wanted what they had to stay a mystery, to me anyway. So, when he told me everything, every sordid detail and I mentioned tidbits to her, she was floored. She had no ammunition against me because I knew everything and I told her, scorning every bit of it. Making all the little special things she thought they'd shared not so special afterall, if he could stab her in the back and tell me, his W. you know, the one he'd told her he didn't love like he used to?

 

"I think that is part of what bothers me the most about her still being there - that she feels justified, that my husband is the only bad guy and doesn't feel bad in the least for my pain since she feels that is my husband's fault too."

 

She wouldn't feel bad anyway, sad to say. She's a very selfish person. She doesn't nor didn't see her own family's pain. She still doesn't. She's so eat up with envy and spite she can't even see if her own H and family are feeling the effects of her behavior, past and present. I mean, what does it say to her H that she's still resentful. Or is that poor man still in the dark about the whole A because I as the harrassed BW of this slut would make a bee line to her H fast, no matter what the conequences.

 

Yes, your H had fault in hurting you(xOW tried this ploy on me, too), but he's working to rectify his mistake, he's back with you, trying to make amends. What's she doing? Has she shown any remorse about the A i.e. hurting you?

If he's trying to make your M work, he's repenting and proving he feels awful. He deserves your forgiveness. She's a resentfull, bitter shrew.

 

"He is paying a big price and she is waltzing away scott free."

 

No she's not scott free. She's a miserable, hatefilled, rotten to the core xOW. She's not getting away with anything.

If you and your H work at this, if he does his part, as time passes, you will get past this, together. She, on the other hand will continue to fester like an untended sore.

And you know, that's the best revenge ever for what she did and is still doing to you.

Most trash like her end up getting thiers all on their own doing. You don't have to do anything.

 

 

"I wish I could focus on the fact that she now knows I am more important to him than she is, but I am plagued by the knowledge that for a year she gloried in the many ways he put her first and the risks he took to be with her." B]

 

It's hard to focus on something someone is shoving at you everytime you turn around, now isn't it, so she's getting what she wants.

For a year, she got the physical side of your H, not his heart. If that were the case, he'd be with her now.

He put the easy piece that she was first, whenever he felt like being with her.

That's what I found out about my H from talking about his biweekly visits, an hour at a time, to her hovel.

He would go over to her house on an overtime weekend(saturday most usually). He'd stop by her house at around 10ish(he worked 3rd shift) and he'd be out of her house and on to work before 11pm. How do you get to know someone like a spouse knows in less that 60 minutes?

 

He said after the same old thing, same sex everytime, he got bored. It was a May to August romance that ended because he got bored and because someone had started to call his wife up telling them about the A.

Hmmm...wonder who would have done that, since he thought the only 2 who knew about the A was him and her. Boggles the mind.

 

"Am I just being a drama queen?"[/

 

I don't think so. I think you're reacting like any BW would or could. You just cling to the knowledge that your H came back to you. YOU.

[smartgirl]

Thanks - I needed that. I was actually able to laugh a little - I especially liked the "untended sore" reference.

 

You are right - he only put her first at selected moments that surrounded sex. I know he never meant for me to be hurt. He somehow saw his relationship with her as something separate that didn't affect our marriage. He knows now he was deluding himself.

 

You all are great!

[shellys-trying]

I'm just glad what i've gone through can be of use to someone else. Some of the harsh lessons I've learned anyway. Which is sad really. I don't think any decent person should have to go through what we have.

 

Good luck to you and your H. Keep in touch on how things are going, and if we can all be of further service to you, of course.