very happy thread finally!!!

[Lauriebell82]

Hows THAT going to work seeing as this is his biggest issue ?

 

Scene - "Lauiebelle and BF walk into restuarant, LB, is nervous because she knows she can't afford the check, and is also nervous because she has been forbidden to talk about the subject or he will get " pissed" or "sick" She doesn't know what to order because she only has 8 bucks on her. She doesn't enjoy the meal because she's worried the whole time. Check comes....Now what ??"

 

yeah, good luck on this ONE !! Would not talking about money be like when he flat out told you you had to pay for half the gas and tolls to go see HIS parents ?

 

yeah i'm a little confused on the issue. apparently he's going to say he's "taking me out," and he's going to pay. so i guess the person doing the inviting is paying? i really dont know, he's hypersensitive about the issue. he doesnt like it when i "expect" him to pay, and asking him nicely if he's paying is "expecting." so i'm really not sure what to do. i dont know if he is going to suggest something, and then expect me to pay for myself or not. i guess now he is going to say that when he suggests we do something, it means he's going to pay for me. i dont know i'm so confused, but he's so weird about the subject. What am i going to do?

[melodymatters]

Well, I don't "love' this man like you do, so i'm trying to be objective.

 

Ok, that makes sense that if he says ' hey LB, lets go to a movie and get some sushi" he has "stated" he is paying.

 

But, If you ever find yourself in an embarrassing situation in which you want to just slide under the table. I would throw my credit card on the table, and hiss " I am paying for this, and after i'm done, do NOT speak to me until you get help for your money sickness" and walk right the f*ck out of his life.

 

A year later you will be like " ok that cost me 68 bucks but I got off cheaply compared to a lifetime of that crap !!!

 

Good luck and let us know how this new " don't ask don't tell" fiscal policy works out !!!

[dropdeadlegs]

Lauriebell, I'm really proud that you have tried to resolve this issue, but it would be nice if he could "desensitize" long enough to actually get to a real solution. It sounds like you had a good conversation, but didn't really come out with a clear definition of what the future holds. When it came up again, he went back on the defensive, even after the tearful phone call.

 

Discussing it rationally and calmly deserves a big pat on the back. I assume that you also stated that you are "traditional" in many ways. I think that says a lot, and like melodymatters said, there's nothing "wrong" with feeling that way. I'm pretty traditional, too. I take on all the typical "womanly roles" like laundry, cooking, cleaning and feel that those are contributions as equal to financial contributions, even though I know he wouldn't pay anyone to do those things (they would just go undone! Or poorly done...)

 

It's having the same ideology that is important. I'm not convinced that you share the same ideology, but I suppose the next few weeks will answer that question.

 

If it came down to it, I would do what melodymatters suggest and pay if forced to at the last minute, but it would be the last time for me as well.

 

Communication is so important, and if you can't discuss this issue and feel that it has been resolved, there will be more instances of that nature to come. Sure, some topics are highly charged and can be hard to tackle on the first try, but a willingness to calm down and think, then revisit the topic as soon as possible is best. We all get defensive about certain things.

 

I hope it goes well, but I'm concerned that it's still unclear as to how things will work in the future. Until you say differently, I'll assume all is well.

[Lauriebell82]

Lauriebell, I'm really proud that you have tried to resolve this issue, but it would be nice if he could "desensitize" long enough to actually get to a real solution. It sounds like you had a good conversation, but didn't really come out with a clear definition of what the future holds. When it came up again, he went back on the defensive, even after the tearful phone call.

 

Discussing it rationally and calmly deserves a big pat on the back. I assume that you also stated that you are "traditional" in many ways. I think that says a lot, and like melodymatters said, there's nothing "wrong" with feeling that way. I'm pretty traditional, too. I take on all the typical "womanly roles" like laundry, cooking, cleaning and feel that those are contributions as equal to financial contributions, even though I know he wouldn't pay anyone to do those things (they would just go undone! Or poorly done...)

 

It's having the same ideology that is important. I'm not convinced that you share the same ideology, but I suppose the next few weeks will answer that question.

 

If it came down to it, I would do what melodymatters suggest and pay if forced to at the last minute, but it would be the last time for me as well.

 

Communication is so important, and if you can't discuss this issue and feel that it has been resolved, there will be more instances of that nature to come. Sure, some topics are highly charged and can be hard to tackle on the first try, but a willingness to calm down and think, then revisit the topic as soon as possible is best. We all get defensive about certain things.

 

I hope it goes well, but I'm concerned that it's still unclear as to how things will work in the future. Until you say differently, I'll assume all is well.

 

yeah i'm a little concerned as well. i told him i was traditional and enjoyed "taking care of him." i guess the concern now is that he cant afford to pay for every single thing we ever do (which i can understand i mean he does have bills). i guess the understanding is that he wont suggest we do something unless he's treating me. i told him i would suggest doing things to and treat him when i could. so i guess its a "pay when he can, pay when i can," deal. i'm not supposed to expect him to pay for me however. so i'm sure i'm still going to get stuck in situations where i'm going to have to pay. i think maybe i need to tell him not to invite me to do something, and then stick it on me that i gotta pay for myself. i think thats a fair thing to do since he has so much more than i do. i think the convo got a little confusing though when i tried to say that since i'm "taking care of him" he treats me to do things.

 

i dont know if i should rehatch all this, but he siad he doesnt want any "payment rules." but what happens is, i dont know if i should expect him to pay if we go out, or if i'm going to get stuck. i think he's making progress offering to take me out to dinner, but i'm still confused about all this. what should i do? bring it up again? or just leave it go? i told him i am traditional, i dont know if he understands that means he treats me to things or not. i thought it did, but then he started saying how i shouldnt expect him to always pay, and that it makes it sound like i'm taking advantage of him. this guy is driving me nuts, if i get in a situation where i have to pay and wasnt expecting to then i'm done.

[allina]

I'm still confused about one thing, does he realize that he has major issues when it comes to money or does he think this is how money is handled in relationships? If he thinks this is normal, can't a few couples he is friends with show him that this is NOT normal?

[Lauriebell82]

I'm still confused about one thing, does he realize that he has major issues when it comes to money or does he think this is how money is handled in relationships? If he thinks this is normal, can't a few couples he is friends with show him that this is NOT normal?

 

i dont think he thinks he has issues. he says he doesnt consider himself to be a cheap or stingy guy and that he has never had money issues/arguements in other relationships. of course he's only had one other serious long term relationship. he said that in that one she suggested to do things and paid, and then he suggested they do things and paid. so i guess we are going to do what he did. i dont know if he really does understand that me taking care of him domestically means he treats me financially. maybe i should clue him into that.

[melodymatters]

It sounds like you two have talked this to death and still don't see eye to eye, so in my opinion it is time for actions on his part and for you to sit back and observe said actions.

 

Talk is cheap, lets see what he DOES in the coming weeks.

[dropdeadlegs]

This is probably what I would do in your situation. I would be applying how I would act in a situation with a friend, but I wouldn't be comfortable with getting "stuck" in a bad situation, so this is what I would do.

 

When he suggests doing something where you know you could not afford to pay half, I would tell him that I can't afford it today. Then he could say that he is paying, or the suggestion would be nixed.

 

As far as you contributing, maybe cooking a meal and renting a DVD would be more suited to your current finances. I know we all like to go out now and then, but fun can be had at home, too. Cooking and DVD's have been long time staples for me because I have young children that require a babysitter, and my best babysitters have recently gotten jobs! I haven't taken the time to scout out some new ones, and babysitting is certainly an added expense to an evening out. I'm lucky that my BF offers to pay for it if I'm a bit strapped. I don't often let him, but he has paid in the past.

 

Since he is sensitive, I wouldn't bring the subject up again until it presented itself, not just for further discussion, since he doesn't seem to want it.

 

I actually understand not wanting any hard rules in this area. As long as things don't revert to the past behaviors (like paying half the gas and tolls for a trip he would have had to pay them all himself anyway) then rules won't be needed.

 

Good luck, sweetie!

[Lauriebell82]

This is probably what I would do in your situation. I would be applying how I would act in a situation with a friend, but I wouldn't be comfortable with getting "stuck" in a bad situation, so this is what I would do.

 

When he suggests doing something where you know you could not afford to pay half, I would tell him that I can't afford it today. Then he could say that he is paying, or the suggestion would be nixed.

 

As far as you contributing, maybe cooking a meal and renting a DVD would be more suited to your current finances. I know we all like to go out now and then, but fun can be had at home, too. Cooking and DVD's have been long time staples for me because I have young children that require a babysitter, and my best babysitters have recently gotten jobs! I haven't taken the time to scout out some new ones, and babysitting is certainly an added expense to an evening out. I'm lucky that my BF offers to pay for it if I'm a bit strapped. I don't often let him, but he has paid in the past.

 

Since he is sensitive, I wouldn't bring the subject up again until it presented itself, not just for further discussion, since he doesn't seem to want it.

 

I actually understand not wanting any hard rules in this area. As long as things don't revert to the past behaviors (like paying half the gas and tolls for a trip he would have had to pay them all himself anyway) then rules won't be needed.

 

Good luck, sweetie!

 

thanks thats a good idea. well i'm going to cook him dinner and stuff, and do things for him. i still dont think he makes the direct connection that he pays for stuff now, i dont really want to tell him because he might get pissed. he's so used to us paying seperately for everything that he is still most likely going to do that. it pisses me off, i guess i do expect him to pay but not cause i'm a goldigger cause thats what the guy is supposed to do. i'm just going to drop it for now, he is all gung ho about the whole "traditional gf" type thing, although he probably doesnt think of it like the guy pays then. if its a 1 or 2 dollar thing i'm sure he'll still make me pay for it. i mean i dont mind but thats a little rediculous. maybe when we go out i just wont get anything and let him offer.

 

if i clue him in that the guy pays, he might get real pissed off and it could start something. should i? i think i'll just wait and see what happens. he did say he likes treating me to things and offering but he hates when i "expect" him to pay cause its like i'm taking advantage of him and then he doesnt want to pay for anything for me. which is stupid.

 

anyway thanks for all ur help, u guys are the best! i'll keep everyone updated on whats happening, i still dont know if he is the right guy for me but i guess we'll just have to see.

[Lauriebell82]

update about the weekend:

 

well we went to dinner on sat night..we went to this steakhouse (my bf's idea) and it was like an hour wait. the place is expensive so we went to sit at the bar. i offered to pay for our drinks (they were on special) and he said thank u. we then ate dinner and our bill was probably real expensive. he paid it and i was greatful and said thank u. as we were getting in the car we were saying how fun it is to go out once in awhile (neither of us like to go out to eat constantly).

 

so we had a really great night. he complained a little bit about how expensive the bill was, which i didnt like. i told him that it bothered me when he paid for stuff and then complained about it later in front of me so he said he would stop that. maybe he's just cheap, i still think he has a lot of issues with money. but i like the occasional going out thing, i pitch in a little bit like i did and he pays for something mroe expensive when he offers. so what do u guys think? seriously we dont fight ever, except about money. we had the best weekend together because neither of us were worrying about who is paying for what. if i do ever get stuck in a situation where i dont have a lot of money and am expected to pay i am going to consider leaving. if we continue going on dates and stuff like we had last night and who pays for what, then i think it will be fine. hopefully anyway. i just dont know what his problem with money is.