Author Lauriebell82 Posted April 5, 2007 Author Posted April 5, 2007 I would not contact him. If he calls, apologizes, and still wants you to go on the trip without paying, then fine. If he doesn't, I would just write him off. I definitely wouldn't be the one calling him though. i should just let him go? oh god i cant believe this is happening. i wonder what he would say if i said that i borrowed the money from my mom and could now pay half. i wonder if he'd want me to go again.
dropdeadlegs Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 i should just let him go? oh god i cant believe this is happening. i wonder what he would say if i said that i borrowed the money from my mom and could now pay half. i wonder if he'd want me to go again. LB, you gotta do what you gotta do, but be prepared to be borrowing money from your mom again in the future to pay your 50% of the next ridiculous financial split. You are setting the precedent of acceptance, here. Can you really accept this long term? Red flag, Red flag, Red flag. Run over them and be prepared to be miserable and divorcing by 30. Playing his game by his rules will be the norm if this money thing isn't addressed now. There is no better time because THIS incident is the best one I have read of this nature so far, and I cannot see any way that he can be considered "right" when he would be paying 100% in going alone. Go back and read this thread starting with this issue. You are losing your spine in the name of fear. Fear of losing a stingy man. Better yet, go back and read all your posts and maybe you will clearly see that he is not the catch you perceive him to be. Take the love blinders off. You are psych major, look at yourself through your psych eyes. Look at him too! Let him go on this trip[ alone and spend the weekend reading your threads and analyzing the entire relationship.
DanielMadr Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 yeah he's a cpa..and makes a ton of money. 20 X times what i have, more than i'll ever make even after i get my masters. as far as when he pays for something, i ALWAYS say thank u and am very appreciative. i have told him repeatedly that i am not a gold digger and dont care how much money he has, that i would love him if he was as broke as i am. and its true! he usually expects me to then treat him for something if he pays for something. he doesnt want to pay for more than 50% of what we do. i have no freakin idea why that is. i asked him and he gave me the bs about he wants an equal partnership blah blah blah. well if he's looking for an equal financial partnership a gf with a bachelors in psychology probably isnt going to cut it. i dont know the hell to do here. i'm at a loss. I personaly do pay for girls. I think Im old school. And I dont think Im buying something else with it. Sometimes I get a hint girls think that I think Im buying her or what. I meet a lot of girls, who are highschool students with really small income (they go to club and buy one drink for the whole evening) and they still wanted to assure me they are not gold diggers or spoiled by even paying for me....like I brought her drink and she paid the next round or even paid for key rings with our photo on top of it, which is not cheap for a girl in her situation. It happend on more than one occasion even when I was telling her its OK...I have a job and she doesnt. So in my experience girls do pay for themselves when they want to be independent. They get summer job or ask parents. I also know girls who go to clubs without any money depending on guys buying them drinks. And I met a few who cant say thank you and behaved that its absolutely normal to be treated like princesses (the woke up very quickly . He can have second thoughts about you. He probably is not OK with woman who wants to be independent and on the other hand to live from partners wage. Like he finance your freedom. There is difference between Man Provider and Jackass. He wants to be sure he wont be Jackass. Your case is a little different b/c you know each other for longer time and he is taking you to his parents for christ sake. Its easy to tell it is cheap from him but it is also cheap from you:o Emancipation sucks:D
bridget_jones Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 What I'm saying is that he should be contacting you about this, see how long it takes for him to call. I wouldn't be giving him the satisfaction of contacting him, let him wonder, worry about if he's going to lose you or not. If this is on his mind that you aren't going and he is truly disappointed, he should call, right?
Author Lauriebell82 Posted April 5, 2007 Author Posted April 5, 2007 thank u everyone..i havnt talked to him yet but i'm sure he's still gonna go. so i'll take the weekend and think about what im going to do. unless he is willing to come to some kind of compromise (which i doubt) i'll proobably just end up breakin up with him. i cant live my life like this. i just wish it didnt hurt so bad! i love him so much and its so hard to be without him. why is this happening???
dropdeadlegs Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 I don't know that you'll have to break up, but I think if you really look at the relationship hard and without considering the "love" factor, that you might see that there are some pretty big issues. Those need to be talked about and resolved. I really do suggest going back and reading the threads you have started involving this man. Try to read your posts as if it were someone else writing them and think about how you would respond to yourself and your issues if they were posts by other board members. Consider the advice that was given and take what you can use and leave the rest. Make a list of pros and cons and do some soul searching about the weight of each pro and con. Get things together in your mind so that you can have one calm and intelligent conversation about the things that bother you/are hurtful.Think of examples of these things happening and about how it makes you feel. have your discussion and clear the air, and go from there. You don't have to scrap the relationship, just examine it and do your part to try to correct and repair things. If he has some issues to discuss, you need to listen (calmly) and agree to work on your side. If he won't make any changes at all, thats when you would have to determine if breaking up is the best solution. I'm sorry that things went from great to bad overnight. I want you to be happy, but also to be smart. It is easier to see warning signs from my position, but they don't matter unless you see them as warnings. I don't live in your world and things have great importance to you, may not have the same priority to me, and vice versa. Hope it all works out the way you want it to.
DanielMadr Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 What I'm saying is that he should be contacting you about this, see how long it takes for him to call. I wouldn't be giving him the satisfaction of contacting him, let him wonder, worry about if he's going to lose you or not. If this is on his mind that you aren't going and he is truly disappointed, he should call, right? GAMES...clear and simple
bridget_jones Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 It's not games, there's no point in calling him at this point. If he wants her to go with him, he'll call, if he doesn't he won't. He has some ground to cover.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted April 6, 2007 Author Posted April 6, 2007 update: well i talked to him last night. i kind of got mad and flipped out on him for being an *******. he said that he wouldnt have cared that i couldnt afford to pay for it, but he said i acted like a spoiled brat saying i shouldnt HAVE to pay for it. (thats bull i said i didnt have the money, same freaking thing). so like usual he tried to turn the entire thing around on me. so then he started saying maybe we should not see each other for awhile because we were both making each other miserable. he said he was now happy without me than with me. that made me upset and i started crying. he then said he's sorry for saying that and that he does love me. so i asked him if he did want to try to work things out, or if a break would be better. i said i did want to try to work things out (i love him, sorry) and that maybe we could come to some sort of understanding and compromise on our problems. we talked about the whole thing about money and he said he doesnt consider himself cheap (yeah thats bs) and that the reason he asked me for the money is just what he said. any kind of trip is a road trip and he believes everyone who is coming should chip in. all goes back to him not liking people mooching off him. so he told me he would try to be more understanding about the fact that i dont have money and not give me a hard time. i asked him what his attitudes towards marriage and money were and he said "when i get married, and i dont mean to u just in general, (which was an a-hole thing to say) i dont believe in having seperate bank accounts, whats mine is urs, whats urs is mine. he just believes that before u are married everything should be even 50/50. he said he would try harder not to be so strict about it cause i dont have money. well we'll see. than he said that he didnt care if i couldnt pay for the gas and tolls but maybe if i could contribute a little bit when we get there (like pay for a movie or something) which i agreed to do cause i am coming. so i guess now i'm going for the weekend. i'm still a little angry, but i do want to meet his family. we are both a littel shaky i guess but we are going to try to work thngs out. i'm still going to be a littel cautious cause i do think that he says some rude stuff to me sometimes, so we'll see. do u think i did the right thing? should i have just agreed to a break? it was wonderful seeing him last night when i got here, he told me how much he loved me and everything and that he was sorry. i just hope that it doesnt crumble after this and we can work things out.
DanielMadr Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 update: well i talked to him last night. i kind of got mad and flipped out on him for being an *******. he said that he wouldnt have cared that i couldnt afford to pay for it, but he said i acted like a spoiled brat saying i shouldnt HAVE to pay for it. (thats bull i said i didnt have the money, same freaking thing). so like usual he tried to turn the entire thing around on me. so then he started saying maybe we should not see each other for awhile because we were both making each other miserable. he said he was now happy without me than with me. that made me upset and i started crying. he then said he's sorry for saying that and that he does love me. so i asked him if he did want to try to work things out, or if a break would be better. i said i did want to try to work things out (i love him, sorry) and that maybe we could come to some sort of understanding and compromise on our problems. we talked about the whole thing about money and he said he doesnt consider himself cheap (yeah thats bs) and that the reason he asked me for the money is just what he said. any kind of trip is a road trip and he believes everyone who is coming should chip in. all goes back to him not liking people mooching off him. so he told me he would try to be more understanding about the fact that i dont have money and not give me a hard time. i asked him what his attitudes towards marriage and money were and he said "when i get married, and i dont mean to u just in general, (which was an a-hole thing to say) i dont believe in having seperate bank accounts, whats mine is urs, whats urs is mine. he just believes that before u are married everything should be even 50/50. he said he would try harder not to be so strict about it cause i dont have money. well we'll see. than he said that he didnt care if i couldnt pay for the gas and tolls but maybe if i could contribute a little bit when we get there (like pay for a movie or something) which i agreed to do cause i am coming. so i guess now i'm going for the weekend. i'm still a little angry, but i do want to meet his family. we are both a littel shaky i guess but we are going to try to work thngs out. i'm still going to be a littel cautious cause i do think that he says some rude stuff to me sometimes, so we'll see. do u think i did the right thing? should i have just agreed to a break? it was wonderful seeing him last night when i got here, he told me how much he loved me and everything and that he was sorry. i just hope that it doesnt crumble after this and we can work things out. Find a job or ask him to marry you.
Totoro Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 Everyone has his/her own criteria/dealbreakers about boyfriends/girlfriends. If you really can accept his f****d up ideas about money and still love him, than you have your answer. If you can't...then you also have your answer. In my opinion (which shouldn't matter to you but just for the record), I think he's treating you like crap. Have you ever seen The Joy Luck Club? The story of "Lena" and her husband is *exactly* like this and it's awful. He makes her pay for the cat's flea treatments even though he bought the cat for her as a b-day present, and everything is divided 50/50 and posted on the fridge. I think he's even an accountant. If you haven't seen the movie, check it out... Good luck.
bridget_jones Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 I have to agree. Then to have the nerve to tell her "You can pay for a movie then" give me a break.
melodymatters Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 Yeah, i agree too, I've been biting my tounge a LOT on this thread, trying not to project my HORRIBLE SIX YEARS with a man of this ilk. BUT, we are here for support, so.... Lauriebell, you are getting lots of good advice on this thread just as I got the same advice from friends and family for 6 yrs, but I didn't want to see it. I understand that you aren't ready to see it either, and there IS always the hope he will grow and change of his own accord. ( not much, but still a chance) We are not judging you, and we will be here to pick up the pieces and give you a big hug if needed !!!! Just PLEASE, keep your eyes open. Be true to yourself and your gut feelings, and don't let him turn the situation around and make you the bad guy. Good luck sweetie, and have a good weekend !
DanielMadr Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 Yeah, i agree too, I've been biting my tounge a LOT on this thread, trying not to project my HORRIBLE SIX YEARS with a man of this ilk. BUT, we are here for support, so.... Lauriebell, you are getting lots of good advice on this thread just as I got the same advice from friends and family for 6 yrs, but I didn't want to see it. I understand that you aren't ready to see it either, and there IS always the hope he will grow and change of his own accord. ( not much, but still a chance) We are not judging you, and we will be here to pick up the pieces and give you a big hug if needed !!!! Just PLEASE, keep your eyes open. Be true to yourself and your gut feelings, and don't let him turn the situation around and make you the bad guy. Good luck sweetie, and have a good weekend ! I second that. Take it easy.
allina Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 It seems like he still doesn't get it, at all. He's so focused on the damn money thing that he told you to at least pay for a movie, and that was in the middle of a serious talk which was on the verge of a break. This is so bizarre. Does he have some huge fear of being taken advantage of? He lacks a lot of common decency and respect.
bridget_jones Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 I agree. I will very willingly pay and give monetarily in a relationship, but I couldn't handle being given these terms by the guy.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted April 6, 2007 Author Posted April 6, 2007 hey guys..yeah i dont understand what is giong on. he's saying that in marriage he doesnt care about what gets spent, his who "mine is urs stuff" but is soooo crazy about the 50/50 paying crap when ur dating. i'm not sure why he feels this strongly about it. He has some big fear that i'll take advantage of him or something. i dont get it. he also cant handle fighting AT ALL. last night was the most confusing conversation. he was talking about how he hates fighting (i mean everyone hates it but he says he feels sick to his stomach, cant concentrate, and is completely miserable) when we fight. and fighting is going to be part of a relationship, so he's dreaming if he'll find a gf who he wont fight with. esp. one that will put up with his b.s. i have no clue what to do. this relationship is getting so confusing. when we fight he says how he has doubts about me and how he cant stand my drama (when i'll talk to him about an issue its drama apparently). but he'll say after the fight that he's sorry and he loves me soooo much, blah blah blah. what really hurt was when he said that he was feeling more miserable with me then without me. which hurt like hell. he apologized and said he didnt mean it and that he was just angry but i dont know. he doesnt want to pay for more than i pay for him..i have no freaking idea why. we went to the liquor store and he said he'd split a 6 pack with me (all his friends were buying beer) and then changed his mind and bought a 6 pack of beer for himself leaving me stuck(i hate beer). i didnt want to have to buy a whole 6 pack or even a bottle, but he bought his own and he asked me if i was going to get anything. i said no, and he was like oh ok, well we are going to be drinking though. so i picked out a bottle which i didnt want to buy, and he didnt even offer to buy it for me. it was like 3 bucks buts thats a lot for me. then we get back to his friends and he says that he is going to play poker and puts $15 bucks on the same. i dont understanding this. what the heck is he thinking????
someone2 Posted April 6, 2007 Posted April 6, 2007 lauriebell, was he always like that? Or is this something you are noticing only recently? I have a certain idea in mind, but I need to know first if this is only a recent change.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted April 7, 2007 Author Posted April 7, 2007 well in the beginning of our relationship he paid for the first like 3 dates. i offered a couple times and he would always tell me no i'll pay. so then i offered the next time and he took me up on the offer. then he paid the next time, and the next time i paid. he told me that he preferred it to be 50/50 and that so he can up with the whole "taking turns" stuff. i ran into a problem with it and said well ya know i'm in grad school and broke and ur a cpa. so now he'll pay then we dont do anything for awhile until i pay. so its still the taking turns, crap. if i dont have the money to do something we dont go. i think its rediculous and i've tried to tell him, and he's said its not fair if he pays for everything and that he wants an equal partner. i cant be an equal financial partner right now, and he said he would cut me a break, but he's not going to stop the 50/50. he wont pay for more than his fair share. which i think is stupid as hell.
allina Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 This guy really sounds nutso It's almost funny, not your situation of course, just the scenario of the 50/50. During the week when my bf is at work I go out and get food to make for dinner or pick up dinner on nights we dont go out. This situation makes me picture myself cooking dinner and saying "babe this was $23.50" and asking for half before serving it I'm not meaning to make light of your problem, it just confuses me and almost amuses me to see how far this guy will go with this. The beer thing was silly and just rude, I would actually be embarrassed if my bf acted like that.
mental_traveller Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 oh no..i'm not sure what to do now. last night my bf asked me to pay for some of the expenses on the trip. he even tallied up everything. he wants to pay for 1/2 of the trip. he went as far as to give me an exact number. $13 dollars for the tolls and $25 for gas. which i have to pay my own gas to come home from college to even go on the trip. i am starting to get the idea that he is having seconds thoughts and doesnt want me to come. i told him that i did want to go, so i guess that means i have to chip in. he's crazy, i have no clue what to do. he thinks it has to be 50/50 whenever he wants it to be. he said he wants an equal partnership, but i guess he meant financial equal partnership. he's a cpa and i'm a broke grad student so its not exactly equal. PLEASE HELP ME! i love him so much, what am i going to do?? Tell him that he can be an accountant at the office, but when he's with you he needs to behave more like a gentleman I'm all for equal partnerships, but come on, this is ridiculous. It's a relationship, not a board meeting where every last dollar has to be accounted for!
dropdeadlegs Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 It may not seem like it, but I have been biting my tongue quite a bit, too. I like to contribute monetarily to a relationship, myself. I have issues with "debt" as far as money is concerned. I don't like to lend, and I don't like to owe. I have never encountered a man that wasn't willing to pay for our activities. I have offered, even insisted, and with much wrestling, I have been allowed to pay on occasion. When I could afford it. Your beer situation. I like beer and so does my BF. He regularly buys a case of beer. I drink 80% and he drinks 20% in general. Not necessarily in one day! He keeps on buying. If I go to the store for some food, he wants to pay, but I don't always accept his money due to my issues. I have kids that are eating, so I feel it is more my obligation to pay for food. I clean his house, do most of his laundry, all of his dishes, sometimes pay his bills with his money (errands) and when we have vacationed or traveled I didn't buy anything other than souvenirs for my family. His take is that he would be paying for gas and motels whether I was there or not, but he prefers my company/attendance. I do pay for pizza about 50% of the time. I talked to my BF about this situation this morning and he was stunned and confused. I would dare to say that he was appalled. At any length, he just "didn't get it." I just wanted you to see how many partnerships work. Value is placed on many things. My BF would not PAY for housecleaning or laundry, etc, but he accepts it as a big contribution on my part towards his well being and happiness. We do not live together. Only YOU can decide what is acceptable to you. He may or may not marry you, and that comment about being happier without you than with you would have been the end for me. But that's just me. We're talking about you, here. Best wishes, sweetie.
melodymatters Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 yikes ! ANOTHER similarity to my cheapo ex I referred to in earlier posts !!! He could not handle ANY sort of discussion in which I expressed anything but pure contentment with him ! I would always phrase things as the books would suggest : "I feel" instead of "you always do this or that" I would be calm and polite and wait for an appropriate time. No matter, I also got accused of being dramatic, angry, looking for a fight, and he also would "get sick" . This is TOO weird, I wonder if there is a name for this disorder ?!? Let me tell you, this is not a good sign. I am forty years old and have had lots of relationships. My relationship with this particular ex was the most damaging to my self esteem and sense of self. Do you really think suddenly he'll be generous after marriage ? I doubt it. I REALLY don't want you to think I'm projecting my issues with one particular person onto your relationship, but this thread is freaking me out. If I didn't know you were a grad student and he was a CPA, I would be sure you were dating MY ex !!!! Please keep me ( us) updated, and feel free to PM me if you can !
Author Lauriebell82 Posted April 7, 2007 Author Posted April 7, 2007 wow u guys are the best! i dont know what i would do without u! anyway i met his parents and they are sooooooooo sweet!!!! i have no clue how they raised such an idiot. his mom would probably flip if he knew what she did. ok well anyway i wanted to see what would happen if i actually did pay for something for him, and see if he would do something for me in return, not that i care he doesnt have to do anything in return, he always says that he always "gives" and gets nothing in return. his 50/50 b.s. means we take turns paying and stuff also. so we were at starbucks buying coffee and i ordered mine then asked him what he wanted and paid for it. i think he was shocked and he said "wow thanks babe." so that made me feel good. well we then went to walmart and i said i was thirsty. so he said he would go get in line (he was buying a dvd) and i went to get a bottle of coke. so i went over and there were people who had gotten in back of him. so i waited there hoping he would just be like "oh put her coke in with my order." so then i wouldnt have to wait in line. but no. he waited there while i waited behind some guy with a huge order and he jsut sat there and watched me pay. so now i'm afraid if i do start offering to pay for him more, he's not even going to offer! i dont get this at all. he's not cheap to himself, he buys himself stuff all the time. he buys his friends, parents, siblings stuff. but with me, its like he treats me like a friend when we go out. i mean u wouldnt pay for ur friend all the time, and if u did then u'd expect them to treat u the next time. thats how he feels about our relationship and i think its f'ed up. his family is soooooooo wonderful, i cant believe he is actually a product of them. the fighting thing bothers me too. i'm always afraid to talk to him now cause he makes me feel guilty that i'm making him miserable. he says hurtful things when he's mad, but when he's not we have such a great time together. this is so confusing. i dont get the strict 50/50 thing. and then he said in marriage "whats mine is urs?" what about doing that for ur gf who is madly in love with u? i dont understand this and i am so incredibly confused. i'm afriad to even fight with him, cause i'm making him "so miserable." this is a great weekend so far, we are having so much fun and his family loves me and i love them. maybe he'll see how lucky he is to have such a wonderful gf and stop being a jerk. please help me guys, i really have no idea what to do. oh best comment ever: we were in walmart and he was looking for furniture (he's moving into a new apartment soon) and he said "babe i hope u dont think i'm cheap for buying furniture at walmart." i almost laughed because it was such a rediculous comment. this isnt even cheapness, its something worse then that. sorry this is so long it feels good to have people to talk to. thanks for being there for me everyone, please continue to help me cause i dont know what to do.
someone2 Posted April 7, 2007 Posted April 7, 2007 I don't know lauribelle, there is a certain change of attitude I am seeing in this last post... For example... i have no clue how they raised such an idiot thats how he feels about our relationship and i think its f'ed up. i almost laughed because it was such a rediculous (sic) comment. this isnt even cheapness, its something worse then that This is quite different than the earlier posts (I love him sooooooo much ). Do you feel different about him now? To be honest, I like the new you. You seem much stronger, and much calmer now. I can sense a confrontation soon. He will have to shape up. He has found his match
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