bridget_jones Posted April 4, 2007 Posted April 4, 2007 That is odd that they are that religious yet are expecting you to sleep in the same room together.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted April 4, 2007 Author Posted April 4, 2007 That is odd that they are that religious yet are expecting you to sleep in the same room together. well that kind of confuses me too..they are brotheran though so i dont think they have a problem with premarital sex though. the only thing they are strictly against is drinking and smoking, because according to their religion u are not supposed to take anything that alters ur statement of mind or something like that. so i dont know. actually they know we sleep together so maybe thats why they are ok with it. he comes up to visit me at school and they know this..i dont think they are naive enough to think he sleeps on my couch! the drinking thing doesnt really bother me that much, athough if i end up marrying him someday there wont be any alcohol at my wedding! also my bf told me that if his parents mention anything about drinking (ask if me or my bf ever drink) i'm supposed to say not really lol
Author Lauriebell82 Posted April 5, 2007 Author Posted April 5, 2007 oh no..i'm not sure what to do now. last night my bf asked me to pay for some of the expenses on the trip. he even tallied up everything. he wants to pay for 1/2 of the trip. he went as far as to give me an exact number. $13 dollars for the tolls and $25 for gas. which i have to pay my own gas to come home from college to even go on the trip. i am starting to get the idea that he is having seconds thoughts and doesnt want me to come. i told him that i did want to go, so i guess that means i have to chip in. he's crazy, i have no clue what to do. he thinks it has to be 50/50 whenever he wants it to be. he said he wants an equal partnership, but i guess he meant financial equal partnership. he's a cpa and i'm a broke grad student so its not exactly equal. PLEASE HELP ME! i love him so much, what am i going to do??
dropdeadlegs Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 oh no..i'm not sure what to do now. last night my bf asked me to pay for some of the expenses on the trip. he even tallied up everything. he wants to pay for 1/2 of the trip. he went as far as to give me an exact number. $13 dollars for the tolls and $25 for gas. which i have to pay my own gas to come home from college to even go on the trip. i am starting to get the idea that he is having seconds thoughts and doesnt want me to come. i told him that i did want to go, so i guess that means i have to chip in. he's crazy, i have no clue what to do. he thinks it has to be 50/50 whenever he wants it to be. he said he wants an equal partnership, but i guess he meant financial equal partnership. he's a cpa and i'm a broke grad student so its not exactly equal. PLEASE HELP ME! i love him so much, what am i going to do?? That's ridiculous. If you weren't going, he would have to pay the tolls and gas anyway. How does your riding along cost him more? I'd balk at his reasoning, whatever it may be. I certainly don't "love him so much." I'm beginning to not even like him. If you stay with him, expect a lifetime of chipping in for half of every bill. "Lauriebell, I need your half of the mortgage today. Lauriebell, the groceries were $212.16, so write me a check for $106.08." etc., etc., etc. relationships and expenses are not always equitable. How do you determine who is using more electricity, or eating more? Or will there be a his and hers side to the refrigerator? I would tell him to take his $38 trip fee and shove it, well, you know where. If you allow all this cost divvying now, it will only get worse later. He has some serious issues with money. I'd be charging him for sex if I were you. A broke grad student has to earn a living somehow.
melodymatters Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Oh, I'm sorry about the latest update LB, that sucks !!! I had a guy like that, and he was also cheap with his heart. In the end, he left me and I had to pay for the divorce, buy him out of the house, and all when he had WAY more money than me. It's a sickness with these guys. I would just be honest and get this issue on the table QUICKLY. Say " oh hon, I was so excited to meet your parents, but if I have to split the tolls and gas, I don't think I can come !" I mean my guy would want to take me fishing, and then when we'd start out in the morning, he'd spring it on me that I'd need to pay for half the gas, the bait etc. I could NEVER go back to that type of thing, it's not the money per se, but feeling SO not ...cherished. Now I joke about how cheap he was and other guys freak out asking WHY did you put up with that. Your BF should be ashamed. He needs to deal with this issue, Or YOU WILL BE dealing with somone who is thrifty in every area of your relationship.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted April 5, 2007 Author Posted April 5, 2007 thanks for ur support..i'm just going to have to tell him i cant go because i just cant afford to drop like $60 bucks in one weekend. thats like 40% of my paycheck! his reasoning for this is that it is common courtesy for people to pitch in who are going on a "road trip." yeah thats what he called it. so screw that, i'm going to let him go and take the weekend to think whether or not i can be with him now. i wonder what he is going to tell his mom why i'm not coming. i should tell him to tell her that he charged me to come and i cant afford it. she'd flip out! she sounded sweet on the phone i doubt she would approve of that. oh yeah he actually asked me if i could borrow money off my parents so i could go! i dont think i can afford to be this kid's gf! what the heck am i going to do???
dropdeadlegs Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 It is common courtesy for three college buddies to split road trip expenses on spring break, but you are his girlfriend and are going to his parents house. That's not a road trip, it's a family holiday. There's a difference. This isn't even a vacation.
melodymatters Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Yeah, I thought of you telling his mom too " gee, mrs so and so, I was looking forward to meeting , but i just can't afford to come". I'm sure her response would be "WHAT ??????" followed by huge embarrasment for raising such a dumbass !!! Unfortunately I think you will have to take the higher road, UNLESS she call you and asks why you aren't coming. And i SO agree with DDL's explanation of road trip, vs, bf taking you to meet his parents !! I know you love him, but if it does end, I can't tell you how good and special you will feel again, when you are with somone who values YOUR feelings, more than say... $16.32 for gas
dropdeadlegs Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Yeah, I thought of you telling his mom too " gee, mrs so and so, I was looking forward to meeting , but i just can't afford to come". I'm sure her response would be "WHAT ??????" followed by huge embarrasment for raising such a dumbass !!! Unfortunately I think you will have to take the higher road, UNLESS she call you and asks why you aren't coming. Not that it has worked in the past, but I'd rip son a new a**hole if that story came to my attention. My son has so many a**holes now that he could be defined as one big a**! I swear I brought him up better than that, but between us girls, he's a stupid mess. Yet I still keep trying to impart just a bit of wisdom, often to no avail. Still, it probably won't be revealed to his parents that he wants you to contribute to the trip. Good luck, Lauriebell, I'm hoping the best for this relationship.
allina Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 WTF?!?! this is very upsetting! Some people are weird about money but this is not normal or acceptable. Please sit down with him and talk about this because his weirdness about money will keep coming up. Seriously ask him why he would expect you to pay, and explain to him how this makes no sense. This is insane!
Author Lauriebell82 Posted April 5, 2007 Author Posted April 5, 2007 i just talked to him and told him i couldnt afford to go..and he didnt care. so i think maybe our relationship is just going to be over. i'm going to take some time to think about it this weekend. he knew how much i was looking forward to it, but since i cant pay he doesnt care. u dont do that to ur gf, just shows how much he actually cares about me. what should i do???
allina Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 i just talked to him and told him i couldnt afford to go..and he didnt care. so i think maybe our relationship is just going to be over. i'm going to take some time to think about it this weekend. he knew how much i was looking forward to it, but since i cant pay he doesnt care. u dont do that to ur gf, just shows how much he actually cares about me. what should i do??? I don't understand where he's coming from at all. Did he explain why he feels so strongly about you paying? This is not rational.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted April 5, 2007 Author Posted April 5, 2007 I don't understand where he's coming from at all. Did he explain why he feels so strongly about you paying? This is not rational. no i didnt talk to him for very long cause he was on his lunch hour. i just told him i couldnt afford it and he was like "ok." like it was no big deal. i was so looking forward to this and we were even going to go see the town i grew up in before we moved. (its like 15 minutes from his hometown) i told him how happy i was to be going and how excited i was. i guess i'll talk to him after work i dont have any clue what i'm going to say though. he did say last night the reasoning that its not "equal" if i dont help pay, and that i'm just hitching a ride with him. what should i say to him? i dont even know what the heck to do. how could a guy i thought loved me do this?!?!?!
dropdeadlegs Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 LB, I saw this coming. Just by asking for a contribution, I guessed that he would stand firm on the issue. This isn't the first time the 50/50 money issue has come up, either. Maybe he will think about it and change his mind, but if he does, it will still be an issue next time. I know you love him but this may be a lifelong problem if it's rearing it's ugly head at this stage of courtship. Money is one of the biggest problems in marriage. I would say it's THE biggest. I have spent (wasted) years of my adulthood ignoring red flags. I have run them down, they have left me battered and scarred, and I kept looking the other way. Wanting things to get better and change doesn't make it happen. Believing doesn't work either. This needs to be addressed and challenged now, and then you can decide if you can live with it or he can change his mindset. It's your life and your call, but this must be decided and determined and agreed upon now. It's not what I think of as "normal" behavior, but my definition of normal will be different from others. One partner almost always has more earning power, and if expenses are to be split, it is fairest to split them based on the percentage of earnings brought in by each partner. that allows each to keep a percentage for their own use. The one with higher earnings would have more, but that's as close to equitable as I can come up with. I haven't been in a situation like that before, but that sounds as close to fair as it can get. In most partnerships, there is value placed on far more things than money. There are contributions that defy a monetary value and are accepted as worthy contributions, nonetheless. Good luck, sweetie!
melodymatters Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Hang tough lauriebelle ! His not caring if you go if you can't pitch in for gas, pretty much tells you where his priotities are : HIS WALLET !!! I would be pissed, and I would let him know ! I used to "worry" about bringing up my ex's cheapness, because he would turn it around and make ME look like a money grubbing golddigger. DON'T FALL FOR THIS. Be cold and clear and tough. " I find it highly disturbing that you ask me to meet your parents, THEN try and charge me for the ride, and now don't even care that I can't go due to the financial burden. That is not normal, healthy or loving and I am seriously going to reevaluate our relationship while you are gone" If he loves you he will be sweating it, and MAYBE try and work on his cheapness issue. If not, FORGET ABOUT HIM !!! My cheap ex has hooked up with an unattractive older woman who is a : Banker !!! Fancy that. he wanted a new 15,000 fishing boat, and of course a bigger truck to tow it, and he's making her pay half of the whole deal because " she eats the fish he catches" !!! LOL THIS WAS ME, and COULD BE YOU !!!!! RUNNNNNN !!!!!!!
JeanQueen Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Sad that this is called "very happy thread finally!!!" Ouch, Lauriebelle. I get the feeling that he may have been burned in the past or mabe felt used for his money by a past girlfriend so he's trying not to make the same mistakes. However, it's not really a good excuse for his stingyness. You are obviously not using him and are genuinly in love with this man. I'd sit him down and let him know that you love him but thiis moany thing is drivng you crazy. He is aware that you don't have a lot of money for luxaries like taking trips. And, let him know that you'd like to think you are worth spening a little money on now and then especailly when it's his family you are going to see. Another question. Is he going to go without you then and pay for the whole trip himself? If so I'd say it's time to think about moving on.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted April 5, 2007 Author Posted April 5, 2007 Sad that this is called "very happy thread finally!!!" Ouch, Lauriebelle. I get the feeling that he may have been burned in the past or mabe felt used for his money by a past girlfriend so he's trying not to make the same mistakes. However, it's not really a good excuse for his stingyness. You are obviously not using him and are genuinly in love with this man. I'd sit him down and let him know that you love him but thiis moany thing is drivng you crazy. He is aware that you don't have a lot of money for luxaries like taking trips. And, let him know that you'd like to think you are worth spening a little money on now and then especailly when it's his family you are going to see. Another question. Is he going to go without you then and pay for the whole trip himself? If so I'd say it's time to think about moving on. yeah ironic that this was a happy thread to start out with. figures it would turn into this hell. he's only had one other serious gf when he was 19 who cheated on him a year into their relationship. i dont think it was a money issue because he was still in college and wasnt making any yet. i've told him repeatedly i'm not after his money. that i love him and could care less how much he has. i'm going to tell him how i feel AGAIN but i really cant keep doing this. and yes he is going to still go and pay for the whole trip. he was originally going to go home anyway and then his mom asked him if he was going to bring me with him. so then he agreed that he wanted me to come meet them and asked me to come. i'm not sure what to do, i'm so conflicted. i love him but i cant be with someone who is THIS hung up on money. i have no clue what he is thinking. i'm going to talk to him about it, but i'm probably not going to get the answer that i'm hoping for. just tears me up inside to even think about that possibility.
allina Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Is he going to make you pay half for gas to drive there? Ah man, BJ you must feel like such an ass I wonder if maybe his parents raised him to be like this with money? He must have some sort of reasoning for this, non that I can see but there must be something to this. Is there a chance that he got nervous/freaked out and is using the money thing so you don't go?
DanielMadr Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 I'd take pepper spray....better safe than sorry. And make sure to cover tatoos, piercings and needle scars. And try to be sober when you get there. Just kiiding. I wouldnt be much afraid. Guys parents are usually OK. Your mother vill be a problem:confused:
Author Lauriebell82 Posted April 5, 2007 Author Posted April 5, 2007 Ah man, BJ you must feel like such an ass I wonder if maybe his parents raised him to be like this with money? He must have some sort of reasoning for this, non that I can see but there must be something to this. Is there a chance that he got nervous/freaked out and is using the money thing so you don't go? no actually his parents are the opposite..they are broke because they are bad with finances. they spend more than they can afford and are in really bad debt. i guess he decided to become an accountant and not be like them, but he is going soooooooo far overboard. my mom said that maybe he is getting nervous about me going and instead of telling me he doesnt want me to go (he knows that would crush me and he prob doesnt have the balls) he is trying to get me to back out myself. he knows i cant afford to pay for half the trip, which is why i was so shocked that he even asked me last night. maybe his parents are weird or their house is really run down and little so he doesnt want me to go. bythe way: my family is well off and my parents make a lot of money. maybe he's just embarrassed that i will think he is beneith me or something. (which i would never ever think, i could care less where he lives or what size house he has).
DanielMadr Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Oh yeah the split thing....oh well, it is weird. Isnt he an accountant? When he pays for dinner fro example, do you at least say 'thank you'? If not then he is maybe on alert, that yu could be princess or gold digger and hes trying to figure you out. I would by him expensive dildo with note to show it up his harpagon azz.
allina Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 I think that no matter what the true reasons or motives are he owes you an explanation. I'm not sure how long you've been with him (sorry if you said in this thread and I forgot) but I'm guessing it's been a while, he should be able to communicate these things to you. Ask him if he's just using this as an excuse, and tell him you love him and that if he's changed his mind you would like to know and why. But after all is said and done and he's just a cheap, rude, thoughtless ass you may want to consider saying bye bye.
bridget_jones Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 Ah man, BJ you must feel like such an ass I wonder if maybe his parents raised him to be like this with money? He must have some sort of reasoning for this, non that I can see but there must be something to this. Is there a chance that he got nervous/freaked out and is using the money thing so you don't go? Why would I? It was a serious question because she has posted before about what a jerk he was about money.
Author Lauriebell82 Posted April 5, 2007 Author Posted April 5, 2007 Oh yeah the split thing....oh well, it is weird. Isnt he an accountant? When he pays for dinner fro example, do you at least say 'thank you'? If not then he is maybe on alert, that yu could be princess or gold digger and hes trying to figure you out. I would by him expensive dildo with note to show it up his harpagon azz. yeah he's a cpa..and makes a ton of money. 20 X times what i have, more than i'll ever make even after i get my masters. as far as when he pays for something, i ALWAYS say thank u and am very appreciative. i have told him repeatedly that i am not a gold digger and dont care how much money he has, that i would love him if he was as broke as i am. and its true! he usually expects me to then treat him for something if he pays for something. he doesnt want to pay for more than 50% of what we do. i have no freakin idea why that is. i asked him and he gave me the bs about he wants an equal partnership blah blah blah. well if he's looking for an equal financial partnership a gf with a bachelors in psychology probably isnt going to cut it. i dont know the hell to do here. i'm at a loss.
bridget_jones Posted April 5, 2007 Posted April 5, 2007 I would not contact him. If he calls, apologizes, and still wants you to go on the trip without paying, then fine. If he doesn't, I would just write him off. I definitely wouldn't be the one calling him though.
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