Roxanne Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 Hi ... I wanted to get some advice about some that happened in my relationship last night. I have been with my guy for 10 months (three months long distance) and am currently living with him and his family. We have had our share of fights about where the relationship is going. He is divorced and does not want to get married anytime soon. I am 37 and would like to get married fairly soon. Recently he asked me to move out with him, as the family situation is going to change, and everyone is moving on. I have thought about it, even though my values teach me that living together is a sin. I tried to abstain from sex with him but finally just accepted that I am not good at abstaining, no matter how hard I try. Therefore, I am trying to make it work with him and would like to have a future with him. He is talking about the future, too, and has been pretty committed in his past relationships. Most of his relationships have been long term .. I guess what I mean is, is that he is not a player. So, anyways, about the TV ... last night we got into a fight because I got mad that he was watching Dog Eat Dog and there was a scene where the girl is supposed to strip and play darts to win the challenge. This bothered me so much! It almost feels crazy, how much it bothered me. I started getting mad at him, questioning what it would be like to be together, and he of course got really mad at me, saying I was trying to control his life. I don't want to be controlling but this kind of thing really bothers me. I believe him that to him, it's just mindless entertainment. I know he will not put up with being controlled. Do you think it is controlling of me? By the way, we are both Christians. I was raised in a very strict Christian home but he is not really practising his faith that much. I know he believes but he does not go to church or anything. I am 37, he is 43. It feels like we are both too old to be fighting over stupid stuff like this. Any advice?
VinaAmez Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 By the way, we are both Christians. I was raised in a very strict Christian home but he is not really practising his faith that much. I know he believes but he does not go to church or anything. I am 37, he is 43. It feels like we are both too old to be fighting over stupid stuff like this. Any advice? If your a very religious person and he's not then chances of him not doing religious things are there. Sounds like what you don't like he does and it's conflicting.
TYASAFAHICSI Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 Overreacting. He has asked you to move out of the house with him and you seem to think that staying with HIS family is an option if he moves out? It IS mindless entertainment. I will watch Jerry Springer on occasion. I don't care for soaps. For crying out loud, this is not a control fight it is abot a difference in tastes. If you don;t like it, turn your back and read a book. It is not like kiddie porn or anything. I agree wiht him at this age, you need to fight about much more serious things!
Author Roxanne Posted March 31, 2007 Author Posted March 31, 2007 He has asked you to move out of the house with him and you seem to think that staying with HIS family is an option if he moves out? No, I am not thinking of staying with his family. The two options are moving in with him and getting a place together or each of getting our own place. I know it's not kiddie porn but it still seems kind of like soft porn. I keep going over this in my mind and wishing that it didn't bother me so much but it does. Maybe part of it is that I feel kind of betrayed because he is watching stuff that is so sleazy in nature. It feels like it's against me, but I believe that to him, it's just stupid stuff to watch to relax after a long hard day at work. I feel like if he knows it bothers me that much, he might respect me enough to change it. I guess I wonder why is that TV show, which is stupid to him, more important than me? To the point that he would give up on us rather than give up that show. But maybe that is controlling? It feels like it's just not wanting other women in our relationship. That's how it feels to me. I know that this world is just overall sleazy now, but that still doesn't make it so everything is okay, just because the world has changed so much. I don't want to control his life but I feel like always seeing naked women on TV is a form of cheating. I don't know how to not feel the way I do. Yes, I realize that my view is not the common one but it is mine.
Author Roxanne Posted March 31, 2007 Author Posted March 31, 2007 Why don't you talk to him about it? Hey ... good idea! I tried last night but it wasn't very successful. Now, he's at work for 14 hours and I sit and stew. Yuck! I have to find a way to either not let it bother me or get out of the relationship, because he interprets my concerns as trying to control him, and then he completely turns away from me in anger. Either, he watches his stupid show, and I let him, without complaint, believing that it is no big deal, OR I leave him. He is not going to change this for me, I realize this. He has already changed a lot of things for me, because my beliefs are more strict. Now he sounds like he is resenting it. I guess I am wondering how I accept it without compromising who I am. At what point am I disrespecting myself my not saying anything, and at what point am I disrespecting him if I do say anything? And I have to ask myself, is this worth losing someone that you love over? Am I willing to walk away from him because of Hollywood's sleaze factor?
Walk Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 I don't want to control his life but I feel like always seeing naked women on TV is a form of cheating. I don't know how to not feel the way I do. Yes, I realize that my view is not the common one but it is mine. You might be a little more constricted in what you consider "cheating", but I think you're general ideology is kind of normal. I don't know too many people, male or female, who would be happy that their partner was lusting after another persons body. Problem I think comes with what we interpret as "lust" from our partner. You may have a more narrow view on what creates lust/desire then the average person who has sensory overload from seeing naked bodies as a normal part of day to day tv life. Your bf may have viewed that cheazy tv show as about as erotic as watching re-runs of the nature channel. He probably didn't bat an eye at the girl because there wasn't (to him) anything to be aroused about.. whereas you may have seen it as a nearly naked women who would be arousing to, and creating a strong sense of desire in him... so therefore "cheating". Not sure I'm making sense... guess what I'm trying to say is... If I watch Brad Pitt (fill in whoever the new movie star "hunk" is now) and he's got his shirt off, pants around his ankles, spanking his butt... I'm not going to be aroused by the mere sight of it. Laughing, maybe... aroused...? no. However, if my bf were sitting next to me, I'm sure he could assume that I'd be aroused by the mere sight of the mostly naked male hunk. Would it be true? No. Just because it's the opposite sex, and it's mostly naked, doesn't equate to desire, or arousal, or want. No desire... then there can't be any cheating. I would think you're bf is old enough by now that the mere sight of a partially naked women isn't going to even raise enough arousal to even warrant a concious thought about it. In fact, I'd be surprised if the little guy woke up at all by the thought of that girl. YOU however, can raise the amount of arousal in him. You've probably blown his mind at least a hundred times by now. So ask yourself an honest question... and I'm not saying I'm right.. just asking for an honest assessment of yourself... Are you upset because you feel it was "cheating", or upset because you felt threatened by the girl? The answer will dictate the best method to resolve the problem. But if you lie about the problem, you won't ever solve it. Be bluntly honest (with yourself).
Author Roxanne Posted March 31, 2007 Author Posted March 31, 2007 Thanks so much, Walk, for your response. I am almost crying now because what you said really hit me. He has told me that it is no big deal for him, and what you said about me blowing him away 100's of times: that is true and that really touched me. I like your Brad Pitt analogy. I can relate to that, because I wouldn't be aroused by Brad Pitt, either, and he has told me he is not aroused by stuff like that. To him, it just becomes a control issue where I am trying to take away his freedom. I don't want to do that! So, what you are saying, then, if I understand correctly, is that if I am threatened by the girl, then, that is my problem, and that is my own insecurity and that I shouldn't put that on him. I think I am threateded because I am not skinny. Seeing this stuff makes me feel so inadequate, and that's the truth. You know, I don't want to lose him because of this. He was so mad last night and I slept in the other room. I haven't seen him this stupid fight because he works 12 hour shifts. I don't want to destroy something good because I don't feel good about myself, either. Walk, thanks again. Bless you.
pricillia Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 I don't see how Dog eat Dog is soft porn... She took her top off but I am sure that she had a bathing suit on right... What would you do if you went to the beach, not sure where you live... and there are other women out there with bathing suits on... The last thing most ment want is to be controlled, however if he cares enough about you he will compromize, You just need to know from him that you are more important then his "stuipid show" Also I think that everyone needs some alone time... to veg and relax
Island Girl Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 He is divorced and does not want to get married anytime soon. I am 37 and would like to get married fairly soon. This is a big problem. Apparently you are not focusing on this one. You want to get married - he doesn't. This is where your insecurities stem from. You are hoping he just eventually says - "of course I can't live without you" and marries you. The fact that he does not want to get married seems to strike a thought in you "maybe he just would marry someone else and not me" Recently he asked me to move out with him, as the family situation is going to change, and everyone is moving on. I have thought about it, even though my values teach me that living together is a sin. I tried to abstain from sex with him but finally just accepted that I am not good at abstaining, no matter how hard I try. Therefore, I am trying to make it work with him and would like to have a future with him. So you are having premarital sex which is completely against your religious beliefs - you "finally accepted" that it is too hard to abstain. So you have sex with him but living together (I thought you were living together?) is so much different? I know it's not kiddie porn but it still seems kind of like soft porn. I keep going over this in my mind and wishing that it didn't bother me so much but it does. It is on cable TV. Not a premium station but regular cable. Soft porn? Give me a break. It isn't. You were just upset because you still see him as possibly leaving you for someone else. She represents the possible "other woman". That's all it is. Maybe part of it is that I feel kind of betrayed because he is watching stuff that is so sleazy in nature. It feels like it's against me, but I believe that to him, it's just stupid stuff to watch to relax after a long hard day at work. It's against you -- your beliefs? Obviously your beliefs aren't that strong. Premarital sex isn't an issue anymore and that's a big one, right? So you are finding a reason that is more acceptable to you -- i.e. religious beliefs -- to be against what you are just insecure about so you don't have to admit why it REALLY bothers you because that goes directly to whether you should be together. You want to get married and would tomorrow. He doesn't and that is scary. It feels like it's just not wanting other women in our relationship. That's how it feels to me. Exactly. I don't want to control his life but I feel like always seeing naked women on TV is a form of cheating. I don't know how to not feel the way I do. Because you aren't completely sure that he is happy with you -- completely happy - because he doesn't want to get married and you so obviously do. You feel that if he really loves you he'd want to marry you. The fact that he doesn't want to get married resonates with you that there is something he still may be unsatisfied with or seeking. You could be right. Or he could just be very jaded having been married before. I guess I am wondering how I accept it without compromising who I am. You already have compromised who you are (Christian) by having premarital sex. What does it matter if you compromise yourself to allow him to watch a TV show? Nope. It's not about the TV show. It is about what it represents to you.
Walk Posted April 1, 2007 Posted April 1, 2007 To him, it just becomes a control issue where I am trying to take away his freedom. I don't want to do that! He see's it as a control issue because he doesn't understand why it upset you. If a person doesn't understand a reason for your request, then a person will see it as a power play, a control issue. I think you need to try to explain the deeper feeling behind why you got upset about the tv show to him. Try to help him understand. If he can't grasp the idea, maybe point out that in the (almost) year you've been dating, this is the one time you've ever demanded something. One time in nearly a year is not controlling. (I'm assuming this isn't normal behavior for you.) Maybe you could suggest that if a situation like this comes up again, that he ask you why and try to help you explain yourself better. And that you will try much harder to decipher your emotions before reacting. Maybe try to find a way both of you could attempt to help the situation if it should happen again. Let him know A.) what you're feeling B.) how you think he felt about it and then let him talk about how he felt, and C.) what you think you (and both of you) can do to make sure it doesn't happen again. So, what you are saying, then, if I understand correctly, is that if I am threatened by the girl, then, that is my problem, and that is my own insecurity and that I shouldn't put that on him. Not quite... It's not completely "your" problem. Your bf can help with it. He can also ignore it and make it worse, but it's still a problem. And the both of you can either view it as something you can both work on together and find a good solution, or he can put blinders on and pretend everyone is "perfect"... or you can leave him out of the loop and try to resolve this yourself. I think the other posters have good points on why you would feel insecure right now. Don't negate those aspects. Also... I'm calling bunk on the "comprimised" who you are. You didn't. You did exactly as you wanted to do. Don't make excuses for it. Stand up for yourself and next time you feel like saying "you comprimised yourself", remember that you chose your own path, and you made the BEST choice you could. So what if it went against what you originally believed in. That's how we grow. We challenge our preconcieved notions of who we are and what we believe in. It's the only way to really find out about ourselves. Excuses were made to hide in... don't do that to yourself. Excuses let us slide into paths we NEVER would've walked down conciously, and some of those paths are dark. Don't make excuses. It's either something you chose to do because you wanted or needed it in your life, or something you need to change right now... This might be against your beliefs, so read with an open mind.... Don't negate the power you hold in this relationship. You are something he desires. Both sexually and mentally. One of the best things you can do to feel more secure with other women around is to let your partner know that YOU are there to fulfill his desires. That you want to. That you're willing to. No woman on a stupid tv show will ever stand up to that kind of power. That's really what we all want... to know our partners believe our needs are important and want to fulfill them. Pull that off, and he'll shut that tv off without a thought the second you ask.
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