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Posted

This is my first post and by reading some of the relationship issues going on it helps me cope, just knowing that I and others are not alone. My story is similar yet unique in that its mine. I came from a broken home were by my mom was an abused woman. She finally had the strength to leave my Dad when I was 17. My life changed when I was about 22. I had my first panic attack and from their my life spiraled into depression and anxiety. I went to counselling,was put on medication,etc etc..I met my wife shortly after at work and we hit it off pretty god. The passion and love she gave to me seemed to make everything better . After having our son we married a year later. (I feel now that there was a lot of pressure from her and her parents to do so. )2 years later we had our daughter. Life seemed to be great. 2 years ago this august we seperated out of anger.Her parents were both diagnosed just previously with cancer and her career was very hectic.She told me I was cold to what was going on and insensitive. Yet she was the one who was very distraught at having me gone and called me every night,drove by were I lived and pretty much stalked me. She was a wreck. We got back together 3 weeks later and I can honestly say on my part it was for the wrong reasons. I was not financially stable and my living conditions were horrible. It was easy to go back to someone who still loved me and have all the normality back into my life. Well here I am and seperated again. Its been 2 months now and the tables have turned. I came home from work on a Monday and my wife sat me down and asked for a seperation. I willingly said yes. (our relationship was back to normal for maybe 2 months after the first split)As far as me wanting out as well as her our relationship deteriorated in the sense that there was no passion or communication,we just drifted apart. Our sex life was crap and we didnt have any interest in each other anymore. I now know that their is another man in her life and probably was before we seperated. She denies the before part.I am bitter and angry and have experienced all of the anxiety and depression I felt prior to our marriage. As much as I wanted out of our marriage I didnt realize how hard it would be. I dont know if she is on the rebound or not but am very bitter towards the fact that she now has seemed to move on. I am going to therapy next week to try and sort things out.I have been very good with the kids as far as not trying to pit them in the middle but am also worried that her relationship with this man is too soon for the kids to handle. I on one hand am jelous of her and want her to suffer as I do, I think she should be grieving the relationship we did have and maybe she is deep inside, who knows?.I also feel empty and lonely as I did in my past. I wonder if I was uncapable of love or just didnt love her?.I have yet to figure all of this out but I intend to try. all and any feedback will be appreciated.

Posted

I think one of the hardest things about my divorce and separation was the amount of anxiety I went through. I had so many questions and kept replaying my whole life history over and over again. I relived childhood memories and all the things that happened in my marriage, all the good and bad. My anxiety went on overdrive. However, it also helped me sort things out. I finally realized that I did suffer from anxiety, and I learned how to deal with it. I still suffer from anxiety, but atleast now I have more compassion for myself when I go through my anxiety attacks.

 

This anxiety that you have is something only you can fix. It's something you have to try to resolve and it's not fair to expect a partner to come into your life and "fix" you. You dont need "fixing", you just need to learn what's important and what's not. You have to sort out what's worth worrying about and what's not. You have to start analyzing your internal dialogue, listen to the things you tell yourself, and if it's negative, cut it out of your life. You need to make a decision on how you want to feel, if you want to feel good or bad, it's all your choice. Only you have the real power on how you react to life.

 

I think your top priority should not be your marriage right now but your anxiety and depression. Fix yourself first, because no matter where your life goes, if you get back together with your wife or not, you need to be healthy.

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Posted

Thanks for the good advice dgirl, that is what I intend to do.

Posted

Man, I go away for a while and when I come back you guys are all bicker, bicker, bicker! :)

 

But, ahem, back to the OP...

 

As usual, dgiirl has great advice that I agree with. You need to become a whole person. I think when you were growing up, you might have missed some of the progress towards this because of your difficult home situation. Then, once you found your wife, and you felt like she "finished the puzzle" and everything was OK, you still didn't end up being able to finish that job of becoming a whole individual, on your own. So dgiirl's advice to focus on yourself is good.

 

Incidentally, how old are you and the kids now?

 

I agree with and support a number of things you have said. Take care not to put the kids into a position where they are in the middle or have to choose sides or divide loyalties. Go work with someone to talk some of these things out, and enter that process with an open mind and an honest heart. Just getting to the point where you can take that step is a really good thing.

 

And as far as your wife, it is natural to wonder what she is thinking, what she is going through, what's the deal with that guy (and when did that start?) and to hope that she will experience some of the same pain and grief that you are. I remember all these feelings quite well. But in the end, you have no control or insight into any of these things; none of the answers will really solve or even ease any of your current problems, and so your job right now is to focus on you. What I found in my case is that I really couldn't imagine moving forward until I started on the job of making myself whole - in a way, I had to finish the job of growing up.

 

As hard as it is to imagine, whatever is going on with her is unrelated to your quest from here out. She sounds at least a little messed up herself, and whether she works on straightening herself out sooner, or later - or never - you can get started working on yourself right now. Recognizing that you can take full ownership and control of your life, that you don't have to depend on someone else to fill in the blanks or to complete what is missing in you, may be your first difficult stage, but it can be an incredibly empowering force.

 

When I first separated, something I wanted quite powerfully, out of my anger, grief, and pain, was for my wife to realize what she had done - to recognize her mistake, to feel grief and pain like I did. While I admitted that to myself, I also avoided dwelling on it, and over time I started down a good path of getting myself straightened out, with that philosophy that I needed to become whole again myself, not to go looking for someone to fill the empty spaces of what was missing in me.

 

Things are much better now (what are we at, DG, about 2 years? The Loveshack "Class of 2005.") And recently, as we were exchanging the kids and their school backpacks, warm jackets and a few stuffed animals that travel back and forth between the houses, in a quiet and honest moment she said something to me that revealed that she has (now) come to feel that grief and pain quite deeply, and sometimes questions her own decision that started us on this path. It wasn't as satisfying or soothing as I imagined it would be, back when I was the angry young man, but it did help restore some of her humanity in my view of her.

 

Move forward with what you are doing. Do the right thing for the kids, and get with that therapist and give yourself to the process. Get back to the job of building your life as a strong, confident individual.

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