forbidenlove Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 seems like the MM will do or say anything (even if it's far from the truth) to keep the OW hanging by a string..giving them false hopes about what is to come from their so called "relationship" or would Affair be a more appropiate term?? Anyway.. I am still with my MM (have been for almost a year..) But I am getting so sick and tired/fed up if you will..of all his broken promises,things he said he was going to do but has yet and didn't follow through with.Our plans we have had for "us" now or in the present future that have yet to happen.We haven't went on a "Real" date..unless you count going to a hotel room or him coming over so we can "talk" or cuddle witch usually ends up in sex..then there are those times were we just call each other on the phone (usually because we are both busy/working aern't able to see each other),he tells me he "loves me" everyday....But really his actions have me thinking otherwise.He is still sleeping with W,dosn't take me out,has told me that he has problems in his marriage but works his a$$ to the bone to provide for his W and children..Not saying that he wouldn't if say him and the W were not happy,because he has his children's well-being to consider aswell. Im just not going to be the one to sit and around and WAIT for him to change.. It feels like i am nothing to him,,he can be sweet when he wants something,and after he gets it then he starts getting distant or acts shady. EVen though we talk/see each other on a reglar basis,and have known each other for a while now IT is just not ENOUGH..I want more of his time and I know that is silly of me to expect. I have fallen hard for this man,so that is why i have found it very difficult to end the A.. I hate thinking about him and his W and what it would be like if we had children..or what it would be like if he wasn't married when i met him..I would be heartbroken if I lost him,would be even more deppressed then I am now, but it isn't worth all the emotional pain,drama,destructive self worth i have been through since i have been seeing him....my self esteem is so low...i feel like ill never be good enough (I know i brought all of this upon myself) Basically I know that MM is just playing me BUT i let him because i want to belive so badly that we will be together in the end......but that will never happen.. regardless of what he tells me.. "oh just wait things will get better" ,"you don't have enough faith in me" ,Im working extra hours ,just so me and you can do things together" , PUHlease!! all of it is nothing but LIES..**** he tells me so i will stick around......... i can't continue to do so .. or so i have told my self OVER and OVER again but always end up were i am now.. letting him play his sick little mind games. what are some of the things your EXMM or MM have told you that has never happend??? Do you honestly think that IT will if it hasn't already???? they know what to say and what to do.....And there really is no way of knowing that they are sincere..The trust isn't there..sure there are some MM who really truly DO want to be with the OW and just the OW..but from what I read on here and have expeirenced myself that is rare.Mine is selfish,only looking out for his best intrest,yet they have such a hold on the OW ......the cycle is hard to break...but it can happen if that person is strong enough...maybe ill be strong and end it one day,,,i just don't know why i haven't already done so....it's pathetic really. I just had to VENT,this A has taken such a toll on me.
Miss Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 Hello, my dear. Yes, MMs will tell you anything to keep having sex on the side. Mine lied about having a wife at all at first and so I thought I had at last found an incredible, single man. But that was all all a long time ago and I hope I can share what I learned with you. You are in a lot of pain right now, pain that will only get worse the longer you stay in this destructive holding pattern. You say you are beginning to want more and more of his time, more and more of his affection. I'm sorry to tell you , you are never going to get it. But, if you are strong enough, imagine this, very different scenario..... a new man, who is all yours, who can gve you all of his time, all of his love all of himself without having to scamper off back to another woman. Doesnt that sound more like what you REALLY want? You can have it, but you have to lose this terrible man first. "But he's not terrible,' you are thinking. "He can be so sweet," you are tellling yourself. WRONG. He is being terrible to his wife, and terrible to you by keeping you hanging on and stopping you from finding the happiness you deserve. HE WILL NEVER LEAVE HIS WIFE. Leave first. I promise you will be ok in the end. x
Stupidcupid Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 Reading what you said reminds me so much of the situation I was in. I had many many excuses for him not leaving his wife. One excuse was that his kids were too young - he had three sons, the youngest being one year OLDER than me. He also said his parents wouldn't understand, and that he didn't want his wife to take every penny he had. He also said I was putting too much pressure on him, so I didn't mention it for 2 years and still nothing happened! 'Miss' is exactly right. MM will tell you anything to keep you hanging on. Whenever I'd threaten to leave my MM he'd say he was just about to leave his wife and we'd finally be together. I'd think what if he is just about to leave her - I've waited so long, I better stay with him. Of course, as soon as I agreed to stay, nothing was mentioned about him leaving her again. At the end of the day, there is only so much you can take, and one day you will realise you've had enough. I used to think I deserved to be miserable all the time. I thought if only I were prettier or taller, or had more money, MM would leave his wife. But you know what - nothing I could have ever done would have made him leave. I finally realised that I'd wasted too much time sitting around waiting for him. It's terrifying being alone after being so reliant on someone for 11 years, but I've definitely done the right thing. I hope things work out for you, and that one day you find the happiness you deserve.
Stupidcupid Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 I'd also like to say please don't leave it as long as I did. If you've only been together with MM for a year and you have no self-esteem, just imagine how you'll feel after another year. I feel so much for you because I knows what it feels like. I know how hard it is to imagine life without someone when you love them so much, and I used to think I'd rather die than be without MM. It does take enormous strength, and it's not something that happens overnight. It's taken me 4 years and I'm still not completely free. I only hope you can one day find the strength to leave him. You do deserve better.
outofdarkness Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 Hi! Don't have time to post a long one, but as the W of a serial C for 10 years, I CAN say to run, not walk away from this guy. They can and DO say anything to keep you "available" for their own selfish needs...I have read and heard the same lies over and over and over...I felt so alone and isolated before I came to LS, like I was the only one to fall for all of his excuses and lies, yes the MM continually feeds us lies too!...It's so amazing to me that these guys use the same lies/lines that they've been using for generations and we just keep on keepin on.... Good luck to you and keep on coming back here! It's great advice and support
LucreziaBorgia Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 As long as you condone the situation by remaining his OW while he remains married, then you will never be more than OW. Your MM wants to remain married, and you allow for that to happen. Therefore he doesn't have to make a choice. So... he will never make one. He'll stay married, and you'll stay miserable. If you want him to make a choice, give him a choice to make. Tell him that you love him and want to be with him, but that you can no longer be with him as long as he is married. Tell him that he can contact you when he is divorced, but not before then. Then, cut off all means of contact with him and do not contact him either. If he tries to contact you, ask him to show you the divorce papers - if he offers up ANYTHING except a signed and notarized divorce settlement, then remind him of your terms and hang up on him. He will be forced to make a choice then. Just be prepared. He isn't likely to make the choice you want him to. Use the 'no contact' time to get your head and heart back together. It won't be easy, but a slowly healing heart is better than one that continues to be broken over and over.
EndoftheRope Posted April 1, 2007 Posted April 1, 2007 Married men who are having affairs lie. They're obviously lying to their wives, and probably to plenty of others, to cover up the affair. People who lie are called liars, so naturally a liar will lie to you, too. So far, it's getting him what he wants.
Jinxx Posted April 1, 2007 Posted April 1, 2007 Well my XMM was unique in the fact that yes, he lied and deceived his wife but never made false promises to me. I knew exactly what I was getting into when I got involved with him. He never bad mouthed his wife or ever considered leaving his marriage. She is a nice gal. Doesn't make it any easier on me now that it is over but at least he was upfront with me.
sadbuttrue Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 jinxx, my MM has never made any false promises to me either. in fact he tells me all the time that i deserve better and should be with someone who can give it to me. he has always told me that he would not leave his family. i can not be certain that he has not lied to me, but i do trust him. forbidenlove, the way you described the way you are feeling sounds exactly like me. i have always had the "i will never be good enough" issue. whenn you are involved with a MM, obviously you will feel that you must not be enough or he would leave for you. i also understand the feeling that even though you are miserable now, you know that it will be so much worse if he is gone. i feel this way too. but just think, this pain you are in now is indefinite, if you get out of the situation, then your pain will end. i have been struggling with this for some time as well. good luck fl, i hope you feel better soon.
outofdarkness Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 Well my XMM was unique in the fact that yes, he lied and deceived his wife but never made false promises to me. I knew exactly what I was getting into when I got involved with him. He never bad mouthed his wife or ever considered leaving his marriage. She is a nice gal. Doesn't make it any easier on me now that it is over but at least he was upfront with me. Well, there ARE exceptions to this "rule"..You would appear to be one of them. Good for your MM for having some balls and having the guts to be upfront w/ you from the get go. I do wonder, how this made YOU feel? If it were me, I'd feel so hurt the farther into the A that I became, b/c I would come to expect more. We can't control our feelings, can we?
Jinxx Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 Well, there ARE exceptions to this "rule"..You would appear to be one of them. Good for your MM for having some balls and having the guts to be upfront w/ you from the get go. I do wonder, how this made YOU feel? If it were me, I'd feel so hurt the farther into the A that I became, b/c I would come to expect more. We can't control our feelings, can we? At the beginning I didn't care as all there was between the two of us was a strong mutual attraction for one another. But you nailed it when you say the farther into the A the OW expects more as was the case with me. I became emotionally connected and fell in love with him. I didn't think I would but I did. I was leaving a marriage while he was not so I guess you could say I was pretty vulnerable. It became harder and harder. The sad thing is our friendship was ruined over our A. I think thats what hurts most of all.
outofdarkness Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 At the beginning I didn't care as all there was between the two of us was a strong mutual attraction for one another. But you nailed it when you say the farther into the A the OW expects more as was the case with me. I became emotionally connected and fell in love with him. I didn't think I would but I did. I was leaving a marriage while he was not so I guess you could say I was pretty vulnerable. It became harder and harder. The sad thing is our friendship was ruined over our A. I think thats what hurts most of all. Yep...those rebound R's are always risky. Mabey take some time away from him so you can see more clearly what YOU want??? It must be hard for you to sort out your feelings when he's putting pressure on you to stay in the A..
Jinxx Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 Yep...those rebound R's are always risky. Mabey take some time away from him so you can see more clearly what YOU want??? It must be hard for you to sort out your feelings when he's putting pressure on you to stay in the A.. Oh its over -- has been since January. We do work part time at the same place (second job) but I've been spared being put on the same schedule so we really don't see each other. He doesn't call, email, IM and neither do I. Right now I'm not interested in dating or meeting anyone at all. Working hard at rebuilding my life and future. Next relationship (if there is one) will definitely not be a rebound one.
torranceshipman Posted April 2, 2007 Posted April 2, 2007 Sweetie, Listen to everyone on this thread as they are all giving great advice...and gave it to me a few months ago when I was breaking up with the dirtbag MM I was involved with. For me the A only lasted 6 months, but it was a big waste of 6 months and the lies are all the same...the thinking you can't be without them, that they're the love of your life, worth waiting for, etc - is the same - we all feel it...I totally appreciate how you are feeling, but the guy is a dirtbag and you need to break away immediately! - I have to work with the guy every single day and I am indifferent to him now, aside from not being able to believe such a dirtbag ever had a chance with me in the first place - sure, at the time it really hurt my self esteem and I wondered what I could do differently so that he'd follow through on his promises and leave the long term G, but now I'm out of the clutches of the A and can see it for what it really was....it sounded like your situation....these guys just don't have a concience when it comes to lying, which is a very sad thing. I'm dating an amazing single guy now....and feel very lucky! But if I hadn't been strong enough to walk away from the A I'd still be in that hideous, soul destroying lonely situation waiting for the MM to come round, or follow through on an empty promise,etc, and that amazing single guy wouldnt be in my life at all! If it wasn't for LSers I'd probably still be stuck there so take advantage of their great advice!!
Salam For Ever Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 Hello, my dear. Yes, MMs will tell you anything to keep having sex on the side. Mine lied about having a wife at all at first and so I thought I had at last found an incredible, single man. But that was all all a long time ago and I hope I can share what I learned with you. You are in a lot of pain right now, pain that will only get worse the longer you stay in this destructive holding pattern. You say you are beginning to want more and more of his time, more and more of his affection. I'm sorry to tell you , you are never going to get it. But, if you are strong enough, imagine this, very different scenario..... a new man, who is all yours, who can gve you all of his time, all of his love all of himself without having to scamper off back to another woman. Doesnt that sound more like what you REALLY want? You can have it, but you have to lose this terrible man first. "But he's not terrible,' you are thinking. "He can be so sweet," you are tellling yourself. WRONG. He is being terrible to his wife, and terrible to you by keeping you hanging on and stopping you from finding the happiness you deserve. HE WILL NEVER LEAVE HIS WIFE. Leave first. I promise you will be ok in the end. x i agree with you that right ?
Guest Posted April 3, 2007 Posted April 3, 2007 I Can Realate To Exactly How You Feel. Mm Will Say Anythingto Keep You Hanging On. I Myself Try To Make Up Excuses For Him And What He Does, Although I Know Better, I Keep On. Lately I've Been Trying My Hardest To Keep My Distance And Give It All Up, I Know Inside I Am Worth More Than What He Has To Give. In Fact I Know We All Are And Sometime We Lose That Innerself When It Comes To Love. I Have Found Ls Has Helped Me Realize That I'm Not Alone In My Situation. I Wish You The Best, I Know It Is Not Easy But I Wish You So Much Strength To Get Thru This.
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