TheRock Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Is it normal for my 30 y\o GF of 8 months to still be running around to "hook-up bars" with her single girl friend (as her support) on the weekend? Her single friend has no other single friends to hang out with to meet guys. All of my friends and my GF's other friends have Significant others that they are with for the weekend, leaving me at home when she's out helping her friend. We can't even go on a double date b\c she's w\her friend or out w\co-workers for happy hours. At what point is it normal to be doing the "couples" thing on the weekends and start pushing away from the party scene? She says I can trust her and I'm "The One" but I feel it's disrespectful to me for her to do this. She's going out for happy hour 2nite w\co-workers and didn't invite me. Funny thing is my EX (we're still friends) called me and invited me to hang out w\her, her boyfriend and their co-workers for happy hour, but I declined out of respect for my GF. What do I do?
sunshinegirl Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Are you worried about your GF flirting/meeting other guys while she's out playing wingman to her single girlfriend? Or is this about wanting to spend more time with her on weekends? Either way, one part of the problem is that the way you are describing your GF as "running around 'hook-up bars'" clearly says you don't approve. I can imagine trying to be a good friend to one of my single girlfriends...carving out 'girl time' and doing what she wants to do to try to meet guys. It wouldn't mean, in the least, that I'm trying to meet guys, it wouldn't mean, in the least, that I'm trying to 'slight' my boyfriend, it would be me trying to be a good friend to my friend. BUT, if I were going out to these pick-up bars in stiletto heels, miniskirt, low cut top, and was coming home a sloppy drunk every time, eh, I could see how my BF might be a bit upset.
tanbark813 Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 If your gf isn't inviting you with them then there's probably a reason (and not a good one) for that. Funny thing is my EX (we're still friends) called me and invited me to hang out w\her, her boyfriend and their co-workers for happy hour, but I declined out of respect for my GF. What do I do? You accept the invitation until your gf starts including you in her social activities.
LoveLace Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 If your gf isn't inviting you with them then there's probably a reason (and not a good one) for that. You accept the invitation until your gf starts including you in her social activities. I agree with TB, because you two are still individuals and should still lead your own lives to an extent. It's healthy for couples to go out with friends seperately. You should by all means do happy hour, relax with a couple drinks and some casual conversation! How would that be disrespectful to your GF? I read your other thread, though, and it does sounds like her single friend goes a little over the top by wanting to go out every single weekend...that part is a little much; other than that, girls need their nights out, even if they are married! I know a very happy married couple of 10 yrs. that spend time with their friends seperately, and together. They trust each other. I'm the only single chick out of my friends,too. If I didn't have my married GF's to go out with me, I would never meet anyone. I just don't use them soley for that, as it sounds like single Girl might be doing. And, I don't believe that your GF didn't invite you for happy hour because she'd hiding anything, she just wanted a night out to herself, it's normal and healthy, and you shouldn't take it too personally. But if she starts a pattern of going out a lot without inviting you or if she chooses things like this over spending time with you a lot, then I'd wonder.
Author TheRock Posted March 30, 2007 Author Posted March 30, 2007 It's not like she goes out w\a group of girls and the single one can "hook-up while the others hang out and talk. It's usually just the 2 of them that go out. (No one else can stand her friend) Her friend sees a guy and My GF has to tlk w\ the guys friends that her friend is trying to hook-up with. Or, the 2 of them start getting hit on by the single guys in the bars. I trust her, but don't think she'd appreciate if I was out talking to girls while my friend hooks up. And, I don't mind her going out w\her friends. It's just this one in particular that's a loose cannon and doesn't have my GF's best interests in mind. She wants her to remain single so she has someone to party with. When my GF's w\her married friends, they're not looking to hook-up or "be on the prowl". They're just going out to talk and have girl time, usually out to dinner during the week. My GF doesn't see her other GF's that much b\c they're with their BF's. Usually we'll see them for a double date. The other girls aren't running around on the weekends.
tanbark813 Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 If you don't like it then do something about it. Either talk to her or go out with your buddies to talk to women.
LoveLace Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Well then, tell her you don't like it, and why you don't like it, and go from there. She will either debate it with you, or she will understand and maybe do something about it.And you right, she probably wouldn't like the thought of you talking to girls while your buds hooked up, but so what, you could tell the chicks up front that your taken. From that point on, they can still choose to make small talk with you if they want, and neither of you would be doing anything wrong. Sometimes with me it is just me and one other girl (married) also. And if men approach us, she lets them know she's married almost right away, but will still hang out just for conversation if I am into the dudes. Pretty much everytime the guys are respectful about the fact that she's married and they won't hit on her, maybe talk, but not hit on her. It sounds like you don't trust this girl with your GF. But if you trust your GF, you shouldn't worry about other girls influencing her, if you trust that she makes her own right decisions and judgements. If you have reasons to think the friend is trying to break you two up, you have to talk to your GF about that, too. If your GF has a good time while she's out with this girl though, you may not have a choice but to live with it. Cuz if you attempt to forbid her from hanging out with this friend, she might resent you and accuse you of being too possessive. Ask your GF how she would feel if you did this for a buddy of yours.
tanbark813 Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 If your GF has a good time while she's out with this girl though, you may not have a choice but to live with it. Cuz if you attempt to forbid her from hanging out with this friend, she might resent you and accuse you of being too possessive. If it's an occasional thing, then yes. But if she's spending every Sat. night with the friend and not inviting the OP, then she must not place very much importance on their relationship.
fallendisguise Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 If it's an occasional thing, then yes. But if she's spending every Sat. night with the friend and not inviting the OP, then she must not place very much importance on their relationship. I don't fully agree with that. That could be the case, but it also depends on how much time she sees him throughout the week. I was in a relationship where I saw the guy almost every day throughout the week, so I would always go out with my girlfriends on Saturday night and reserve Friday night for him if he wanted to do something. But that caused problems as well. The trust issue. However, I always made it clear I had a BF. If she isn't spending a lot of quality time with you in the first place and is adamant about going out every Saturday night, then that could be trouble and she may not be as ready to settle. As far as her friend being a lose cannon and wanting to break you up, that may not be true. Being single for a really long time, I still go out with my girls every Sat. night and they are all in relationships. Their boyfriends consider me "the loose canon." Lol. But when we go, they make it clear they have BFs and I would never try to pressure them to talk to the other guys if I happen to chat with one. However, when I go, it's girls night. Not let me try to meet a guy while I'm at the club night. I would let her know that you aren't comfortable with the idea and try to compromise with her. Don't try to force her out of it because it may not go to well. Maybe try to do things with her and her friend so you can get to know her friend better and find out if your suspicions are correct. It's hard being single when all your friends are attached. And I think sometimes the BF gets the wrong impression and thinks the single friend is wanting the other to hook up, when in fact she wants to go out and have fun with just her friend and if she meets someone great.
LoveLace Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 If it's an occasional thing, then yes. But if she's spending every Sat. night with the friend and not inviting the OP, then she must not place very much importance on their relationship. I agree with that.
Trialbyfire Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Your g/f appears to have different values than you do. Have a serious talk with her and let her know that this frequent type of behaviour is making you very uncomfortable. Perhaps the two of you could find a compromise like a reduction of frequency. You don't want to dictate her friends to her. If she balks at any kind of compromise, then you're back to core value differences where people rarely change unless there's a traumatic event.
kribby Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Hey, I agree with everyone... but you know-- you could help this friend of your girlfriend -- find a bf. Then you would have her all to yourself... maybe--
Green Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 yeah hows he going to do that, finding a bf for a girl that has been single for a while and claims that shes wanted a bf but just cant find one is near imposible. Half those girls at those night clubs, and hook up bars shrug off every guy who approaches them. I especialy love the the circles of 5 hot chicks all dancing who just came out to dance and consider guys an anoyance at that time and place.
kribby Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 yeah hows he going to do that, finding a bf for a girl that has been single for a while and claims that shes wanted a bf but just cant find one is near imposible. Half those girls at those night clubs, and hook up bars shrug off every guy who approaches them. I especialy love the the circles of 5 hot chicks all dancing who just came out to dance and consider guys an anoyance at that time and place. Picture me shrugging... I was just giving him an idea-- 'Cause like he titled this thread 'Any Ideas' Doesn't every guy have a friend that is looking for a girlfriend? I mean-- I am a girl and I have a few guy friends that are totally looking for girlfriends... They are all over educated, wealthy, good guys... It was just a suggestion.
Green Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 yeah didnt mean to stomp on ur words even though thats sorta what I did from some prospectives. but back to the op's problem the only thing that will work is talking to her. You could play little games but that would be silly, just make things clear and see if you can come to some kind of compromise. Personaly it would bother me if a girl I was in a serious relationship with went to singles bars every saturday night partying it up just her and her single friend every night, and were the tables turned and it was you staying out all night at the singles bar trying to pick up a chick for your single friend who your gf had a hunch wanted you to be single again like the good old days your gf wouldnt be to hapy either. You already know what you need to do, if your really unhappy with this its not worth putting yourself through this week after week.
bridget_jones Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 See that would be a dealbreaker for me. I don't date guys who hang out at the bars all the time. The last guy I dated went to bars and got tanked (to his own admission) at least twice a week. He is 40 years old. Now...I drink every once in a while having a drink or two socially.....It just isn't fun for me to hang out in bars and if that is a big part of a guy I'm dating's lifestyle then we're not compatible. It doesn't have anything to do with I don't trust him either (although that could be possible he's out picking up girls.) I just don't like the bar scene. I knew after a month that he wasn't for me, even though he claimed he really liked me and such. If I was seeing a guy who was more concerned with making sure his single friend had a bar-hopping buddy on Friday nights, and I wasn't invited, it would be over. I can do better for myself.
soulseeker Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 I dont know the answer to this. I am just going to say that I have realized one of the most difficult things in life is to be your spontaneous self in a relationship while not being a dick to the other person. One has to be happy with whats going on in their own life and trust the other person.
Porn_Guy Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 What do I do? start going to the singles bar with one of your buddies as "moral support" and see how she reacts.
bridget_jones Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 Honestly I would worry about this woman becoming an alcoholic. Going to the bars as much as she does, it sounds like she is susceptible to alcoholism. Personally when grown adults think it's fun to barhop all the time and get toasted and such, it is such a turnoff to me.
Pyro Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 Is it normal for my 30 y\o GF of 8 months to still be running around to "hook-up bars" with her single girl friend (as her support) on the weekend? Her single friend has no other single friends to hang out with to meet guys. All of my friends and my GF's other friends have Significant others that they are with for the weekend, leaving me at home when she's out helping her friend. We can't even go on a double date b\c she's w\her friend or out w\co-workers for happy hours. At what point is it normal to be doing the "couples" thing on the weekends and start pushing away from the party scene? She says I can trust her and I'm "The One" but I feel it's disrespectful to me for her to do this. She's going out for happy hour 2nite w\co-workers and didn't invite me. Funny thing is my EX (we're still friends) called me and invited me to hang out w\her, her boyfriend and their co-workers for happy hour, but I declined out of respect for my GF. What do I do? Hmmmmm Has she ever invited you to come along with her on one of these nights out? That seems to be a red flag there if she has not. Maybe her friend would be uncomfortable if you came along, but your GF needs to see it from your POV. If the roles were reversed, I bet that she would want to come along. Is this an every week occurence? Has this cut drastically into your relationship time? Talk to her and tell her how you feel and see what she has to say.
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