Sevenmack Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Bridget_Jones wrote: If I'm doing the dumping, I just want it to be as quick and painless for both parties as possible without inciting a strong reaction. That's just me I guess. But dumping someone is never really painless; someone is losing out in this. And in any case, why should it be painless if the person is getting dumped because of significant defects in character? Does a guy caught cheating on his girlfriend deserve a painless dumping? No. So why should a bigot?
Storyrider Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 I can agree with this.. if the honesty track is the way the OP wants to go it should be just quick and short.. no details that would incite an argument :cool: And I can see how, if she anticipated him turning nasty or psycho on her, that would be a good reason to just let it go. She doesn't have to be a martyr.
TheSwordfish Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 This is a good opportunity to ask this, what do you guys do when you talk to someone who is a racist, and s/he starts talking trash? I am not talking necessarily in a date situation. Just with friends. One of my friends quite simply hates ANY one that is not him. I swear to god, he hates blacks, jews, chinese, indians, and sometimes christians too! Everytime he starts talking trash, I get agitated inside, and I have no idea what to say, so I just shut up. I feel so guilty afterwards. I usually make fun of the one being racist or I will just say that I don't agree. Nothing beats a nice discussion. If my girlfriend is a racist.... hmm... I'd dump her right away.
Guest Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Original poster here. Thanks to everyone for their input and advice. I ended up calling him this morning and going over to his office to chat. He knew something was up. I was completely open and honest and told him how much those things he said affected me. I also told him it was a deal breaker, and that this was pretty much central to who I am. It didn't take him long to back down, which surprised me. He swore up and down that he didn't mean those things he said and that he was just " running his mouth." I want to believe him, but I'm just not sure I do. Honestly, I have a really hard time believing ANYONE could actually feel this way, but on the flip side, how could anyone say those things and NOT feel that way. This is an educated guy we are talking about, someone that went to a top law school and is now a partner at a law firm .... Isn't that scary?
kribby Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 This is a good opportunity to ask this, what do you guys do when you talk to someone who is a racist, and s/he starts talking trash? I am not talking necessarily in a date situation. Just with friends. One of my friends quite simply hates ANY one that is not him. I swear to god, he hates blacks, jews, chinese, indians, and sometimes christians too! Everytime he starts talking trash, I get agitated inside, and I have no idea what to say, so I just shut up. I feel so guilty afterwards. I would simply lose a friend.
kribby Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Absolutely not. A quick, "I don't date people who use racist language," should suffice. She doesn't need to have an argument or a discussion about it. But he should know his views are not OK and that he should keep them to himself. I'm sure he'll never change how he feels. But a little slap in the face (figurative, not literal) might keep him from spouting off. People always complain about how they can't change society by voting, etc. Then, when presented with everyday ways they can make a difference, they bail out. Hmmm ... yes, it is good to talk about things-- yeah. But is this guy violent at all? 'Cause if he is... just break up with him without mentioning a thing.
kribby Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 If I'm doing the dumping, I just want it to be as quick and painless for both parties as possible without inciting a strong reaction. That's just me I guess. Ditto! I believe the same way! Why discuss and problem solve???
burning 4 revenge Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 And what if the Union had gone ahead and broken up with the Confederacy just because of slavery? Would that have solved anything? Hoenstly I think you're being much too dramatic.
Storyrider Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 I said, "Hmmm... Actually, judging by her parents, I'd say she's just about the right shade." Shut her ass RIGHT up! :lmao: See, this is the perfect in-the-trenches response. And you didn't even need to be confrontational or defensive. If regular people like us aren't willing to put our arses on the line for basic human decency, who will?
Island Girl Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 I think there is a larger ethical issue here beyond just the breakup. People who don't condone bigotry should be vocal about it so that it isn't considered socially acceptable to talk that way. She can keep it short and sweet while still telling him his racist words are wrong. I completely agree. I am shocked that so many people would say "just keep quiet about his racism". If people were more vocal about such idiotic behavior -- we may see less of it as a result. And even if they don't change their minds at least they'll be very selective about who they spout off around so the rest of us don't have to hear it. Silence to them means you agree you just can't bring yourself to say it.
bridget_jones Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 "Hmmm... Actually, judging by her parents, I'd say she's just about the right shade." Shut her ass RIGHT up! :lmao: Honestly, though, her comeback really isn't any strong comeback to promote anti-racism and views. It is biologically true that a baby with a white and black parent would most likely be black, so honestly it's not really telling her off that much and doesn't really say much about the issue. Sorry. Now if she had said "That is a racist statement and I don't appreciate that." that is getting the point across. I mean if you're going to truly make a point, make a POINT. A comment like that probably went right by her.
bridget_jones Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 Just the right shade if you had a one African American parent and one white parent. Just saying it wasn't really that direct and nervy as if you had told her she was being racist.
RecordProducer Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 What got me puzzled (and I see others as well) is that you don't seem to be sure you want to break it off with him, yet you ask how to do it. I think you're not quite sure you want to break up the relationship. So I suggest you do some innocent research - you ask him about his opinions on some topics until you're sure you ccan or an't deal with his racism. Tell him about a black girl who dronw, but turned out she suffered from somethingelse, etc. The TV is full of stories. And see his reactio. Talk to him. Try to change his mind.
Storyrider Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 Honestly, though, her comeback really isn't any strong comeback to promote anti-racism and views. It is biologically true that a baby with a white and black parent would most likely be black, so honestly it's not really telling her off that much and doesn't really say much about the issue. Sorry. Now if she had said "That is a racist statement and I don't appreciate that." that is getting the point across. I mean if you're going to truly make a point, make a POINT. A comment like that probably went right by her. IMO, the way she said it was stronger because it shows without going into the whole racist thing that color is just that, a skin color. Nothing to make snarky remarks about. Like if you mix blue and yellow it makes green. If you mix brown and pale it makes cafe au lait. So what? It is a beautiful color. Nothing more. Move on, MIL. There is no need to be so literal all the time.
TheSilentType Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 It happened when we were in the car and he made some horrible comments about a homeless person then proceeded to go into a rant. Get out of this relationship. Three months is not a long time. I really liked someone and could have easily taken it to the gf stage. She was very pretty but deep down cold-hearted to a lot of other people, though not me. Eventually, I decided not to pursue it any further and just let the interest fade away painfully Be thankful that the mask came off.
Trialbyfire Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 Expressing one's view at bigots isn't a bad idea. You'de be surprised at how many can take it and if they can't, best for them not to express their own bigotted views.
bridget_jones Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 Yes I do think Record Producer brings up a good point. Is this guy racist and bigoted in all aspects or is it just about homeless people? I have heard people comment "don't give them money, they'll just use it for beer" or "Plenty of places hiring, I don't feel sorry for him." when they see beggers on the street. I can't really judge the guy from homeless comment and I don't know what he said exactly. Also is he racist or just bigoted against homeless people? Big difference. So...the issue is if you want to break up with him or not, not method of doing so.
mental_traveller Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 My brother had a similar thing happen. He was playing pool with this very attractive girl, and she says, "I'm kind of interested in Hitler." So he says, "Oh, yeah, I love history, esp. WWII, and Hitler is an interest of mine too, blah, blah," Well, she starts telling him how much she admires Hitler and procedes into a full out Neo Nazi monologue. He ended their date early and calmly told her he didn't think it would work out between them. I think he mentioned the fact that he is Jewish as one of the factors. Hahaha that is too funny, sounds like something out of a Woody Allen movie As for the original poster, why don't you just tell the truth? Say you hate bigotry and could never date a bigot. At least then he knows why you disappeared. Also, think of the positive benefits if every bigoted man in the world realised his prejudice would stop him getting laid. That would do more for race relations than 1000 Martin Luther Kings.
mental_traveller Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 Honestly, though, her comeback really isn't any strong comeback to promote anti-racism and views. It is biologically true that a baby with a white and black parent would most likely be black ??? I was under the impression the baby would be mixed-race.
justpassingthrough Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 Bigotry (and racism; the two are not the same) tends find its foundation in a belief system that includes privilege and entitlement.
justpassingthrough Posted March 31, 2007 Posted March 31, 2007 This is a good opportunity to ask this, what do you guys do when you talk to someone who is a racist, and s/he starts talking trash? I am not talking necessarily in a date situation. Just with friends. One of my friends quite simply hates ANY one that is not him. I swear to god, he hates blacks, jews, chinese, indians, and sometimes christians too! Everytime he starts talking trash, I get agitated inside, and I have no idea what to say, so I just shut up. I feel so guilty afterwards. As you should, particularly because you retain this "friend" in your world. Audre Lorde says, "Your silence will not protect you." Those are wise words, and those are the words I keep in mind in those types of situations. What do I do? I tell people about themselves and make sure to toss in a huge dose of shame. Will it change the way people think? Maybe. Maybe not. But I don't feel guilty because I've let that stupid vile spew out of someone's mouth and remained silent.
pricillia Posted April 1, 2007 Posted April 1, 2007 DON'T LIE TO GUYS! This issue drives me nuts. I'm in my early 30s and I've never dated anyone longer than 4-6 weeks or so. Many, many times, I've been told "I'm to busy" or "there's no spark" or "I don't want a boyfriend in my life right now" (only to see her with a boyfriend a few weeks later). Since the only thing all the failed relationships have in common is ME, then it must be something about me that causes women to lose interest. But no one will tell me what it is!. It's not bigotry because that's not my issue. There's no hygene problem I am aware of. I'm not perfect, but there's nothing wrong with me that I can detect that I don't see in lots of other guys that ARE in relationships. I have asked women I've dated what it was, but all I get is "there's someone out there for you. You'll meet her someday and make a great husband." Well I've been dating for 15 years, and I have friends who are in their 2nd marriages. You'd think I would have met at least one compatable person by now. So the advice to break up with someone without telling them why is a great disservice to the person you're breaking up with. maybe, or did you ask the person when they "broke up" with you? You can not blame a girl for not wanting to hurt a good guy. If you think that it is you then ask a close friend for some help with your dating skills... and be willing to work on what you can. As far as the racist things, I would tell him that you are both too different. If he want to debate you tell him that you are moving on...
Mary3 Posted April 1, 2007 Posted April 1, 2007 I think his reaction to the homeless person is a STRONG indicator of how he treats the less fortunate and how that would eventually spill into how he would treat YOU. How your SO treats other people , be it the waitresses , the homeless , black people , the disabled, tells you that your FUTURE treatment will be similar. I doubt he will stop his prejudice at one type of race , or one type of person he disagrees with , be it their gay life style ( as an example ) as its all based on ignorance. I would give it to him honestly " I cant see you anymore because of the way you treat the homeless and the other races of people " What you get 3 months from now is full blown behavior that you were privey enough to see at this early stage. Tell him goodbye. Which brings to mind. I once went steady with this guy who sucked in bed. Lasted about *one minute* tops. ( Everytime ) I was not going to the be the one to tell him though. I just broke it off. Cowardly I am sure but I can't imagine saying " You know you had your two minutes , where's mine ? "
bridget_jones Posted April 1, 2007 Posted April 1, 2007 ??? I was under the impression the baby would be mixed-race. Their skin would take on more traits of the black person. A lot of mixed race associate with the more dominate genes. Such as Halle Berry considers herself African American.
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