Guest Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 I have recently discovered my boyfriend of 3 months is incredibly racist. I am super hurt and confused because I really like him otherwise. It happened when we were in the car and he made some horrible comments about a homeless person then proceeded to go into a rant. It was awful, I was shocked and couldn't speak. I ignored it at first and though he hasn't made mention of it again I simply cannot go on. I cannot date someone who's values are so different from my own. Any advise on how to approach this very sensitive subject. I want to dump him I am just not sure how to deliver my point. Should I do it over dinner with a , “ So about that whole hate thing you have going on.....” I don’t think he is going to back down from his stance on the issue and pretty sure he will be open to debate me. Any advise would be lovely. thanks.
DanielMadr Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 I have recently discovered my boyfriend of 3 months is incredibly racist. I am super hurt and confused because I really like him otherwise. It happened when we were in the car and he made some horrible comments about a homeless person then proceeded to go into a rant. It was awful, I was shocked and couldn't speak. I ignored it at first and though he hasn't made mention of it again I simply cannot go on. I cannot date someone who's values are so different from my own. Any advise on how to approach this very sensitive subject. I want to dump him I am just not sure how to deliver my point. Should I do it over dinner with a , “ So about that whole hate thing you have going on.....” I don’t think he is going to back down from his stance on the issue and pretty sure he will be open to debate me. Any advise would be lovely. thanks. Invite him to watch some cool movie like 'Homeless Nigggas Banging White Chicks' he will get a hint.
Art_Critic Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 There isn't a way of bringing this up.. You just need to end it with him if you feel that it is a deal breaker having different values. He will not change... so you just need to keep quiet about it and move onto someone else.. I dated a girl like that a while back ago.. Some of the garbage that would slide out of her mouth would make my jaw drop..
bridget_jones Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 I think you can break up with him without specifically pointing out that you think he's racist. Just tell him you don't feel you have enough in common or you don't feel the "spark" or something...I don't think a breakup should be about pointing out their faults or anything because you're not going to be able to change his attitude. Just get it done with.
Art_Critic Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 I don’t think he is going to back down from his stance on the issue and pretty sure he will be open to debate me. Why would you want him to back down ?? He is who he is..you either accept or don't .. but you can't change the way people were brought up and the way they believe. The impass is yours..you have found something about him you dislike..
Touche Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 My turn to agree with you, Art. This is something that is usually too ingrained to change. It would certainly be a deal-breaker for me. Can you imagine trying to raise children with a man like this? Also, I'd venture to say that there are other big areas/values where you are not compatible. I'd find someone better.
IWalkAlone Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 I think you can break up with him without specifically pointing out that you think he's racist. Just tell him you don't feel you have enough in common or you don't feel the "spark" or something...I don't think a breakup should be about pointing out their faults or anything because you're not going to be able to change his attitude. Just get it done with. DON'T LIE TO GUYS! This issue drives me nuts. I'm in my early 30s and I've never dated anyone longer than 4-6 weeks or so. Many, many times, I've been told "I'm to busy" or "there's no spark" or "I don't want a boyfriend in my life right now" (only to see her with a boyfriend a few weeks later). Since the only thing all the failed relationships have in common is ME, then it must be something about me that causes women to lose interest. But no one will tell me what it is!. It's not bigotry because that's not my issue. There's no hygene problem I am aware of. I'm not perfect, but there's nothing wrong with me that I can detect that I don't see in lots of other guys that ARE in relationships. I have asked women I've dated what it was, but all I get is "there's someone out there for you. You'll meet her someday and make a great husband." Well I've been dating for 15 years, and I have friends who are in their 2nd marriages. You'd think I would have met at least one compatable person by now. So the advice to break up with someone without telling them why is a great disservice to the person you're breaking up with.
sunshinegirl Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 I kind of agree with IWalkAlone here. If there are specific things that make me want to break up with a guy, and if those things are likely to turn off other women, and (this is important) those things are something the guy could do something about, I will sometimes put it out there. About six months ago, for example, I went out 3 times with a guy who talked nonstop through every single date. He thought we were having the time of our lives; I was bored silly. I gave him lots of openings to ask me questions, and he never did. I ultimately told him we weren't a good match because I needed to be with someone who was interested in my day and my opinions and my experiences. I think I was more diplomatic than that, but I figured hell, if nobody is telling this guy that he's probably turning off women by monopolizing conversation, the poor fool is going to keep doing it. The big caveat in this case is whether this racist guy could (or would) do anything about his craptastic bigotry. (Probably not.) I suppose he could try to argue with you ("I'm not really that way") or bargain with you ("I'll tone it down"). I suppose it boils down to whether you think it's important for *him* to know that his racism is a problem.
reservoirdog1 Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 What you described specified a verbal attack against the homeless; I'm guessing the rant included some racial slurs or stereotypes. I'm not exaggerating when I say it's a HUGE issue. Most bigots and racists are ignorant, and many are unintelligent. A lot of them are also cowards, unable to deal with the problems in their lives without blaming others for them. And making generalizations about another group of people and convincing oneself that they're responsible for those problems is the way they operate. Could he change? It's not impossible. Apparently it worked for George Wallace. And there are members of the KKK and neo-Nazi groups who come to realize the misguided pointlessness of their anger and hate and renounce it. But your BF has to want to change. And he may very well never change. Until he changes, whatever you do, don't marry him or have children with him. The last thing the world needs is a few more little racists-in-training. If you love him and value the relationship, then I think you should try to change his views and educate him. But don't make it your life's work -- if you try and he refuses to change, then he's nothing but weak, ignorant and afraid. Do you really want somebody like that for a partner?
Asafan Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Damn bigots! They should all be shot and left to die! Who the hell asked them to come to this country anyway?
Storyrider Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 My brother had a similar thing happen. He was playing pool with this very attractive girl, and she says, "I'm kind of interested in Hitler." So he says, "Oh, yeah, I love history, esp. WWII, and Hitler is an interest of mine too, blah, blah," Well, she starts telling him how much she admires Hitler and procedes into a full out Neo Nazi monologue. He ended their date early and calmly told her he didn't think it would work out between them. I think he mentioned the fact that he is Jewish as one of the factors.
whichwayisup Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 I cannot date someone who's values are so different from my own. Then just be honest and tell him exactly that. Tell him that the comments he made about the homeless man really upset and bothered you. AC is right, he is who he is, and chances are, he isn't going to change his ways of seeing things, that's how he was brought up. People don't change unless they really want to.
bridget_jones Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 I was just stating the exact thing that Art Critic was stating. It ISN'T a LIE to tell the guy there's no spark or not enough in common because she DOESN'T have spark for the guy anymore and there ISN'T enough in common with them. There's no point in having this sitdown debate over the issue when you can't change that issue anyway. SHEEZ. I stand by my original answer. IT'S NOT LYING. The dumpee doesn't need to be criticized or hurt more than necessary. Like I said, just get it done with, you're not going to change his attitude. IWalk, if a woman says there's 'no spark' she usually does mean that. Not wanting a boyfriend, well, maybe she thought she didn't until she met this next guy who was so much better. It's not lying at all and when someone's breaking up with you, best to make it short and sweet.
Art_Critic Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 There's no point in having this sitdown debate over the issue when you can't change that issue anyway. True that ... I dated a girl for a couple of dates and when I kissed her it felt like I was kissing my brother and she kissed God awful. I never went on a third date with her and when I broke the date she started crying and I felt awful.. but I couldn't get past the bad feeling I had when I kissed her. Can you imagine what she would've felt like if I told her she was a terrible kisser and kissed like my brother ?? That would've been mean spirited. When people breakup and don't have much history together it is better to just brush them off then to tell them why. Now if they have history together and have been BF and GF for monthss or years then the rules change and honesty is the only way to go. Why pick a fight ? Someone bigoted and hard nosed isn't going to like hearing it and the conversation will not go over very well.
Storyrider Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 I was just stating the exact thing that Art Critic was stating. It ISN'T a LIE to tell the guy there's no spark or not enough in common because she DOESN'T have spark for the guy anymore and there ISN'T enough in common with them. There's no point in having this sitdown debate over the issue when you can't change that issue anyway. SHEEZ. I stand by my original answer. IT'S NOT LYING. The dumpee doesn't need to be criticized or hurt more than necessary. Like I said, just get it done with, you're not going to change his attitude. IWalk, if a woman says there's 'no spark' she usually does mean that. Not wanting a boyfriend, well, maybe she thought she didn't until she met this next guy who was so much better. It's not lying at all and when someone's breaking up with you, best to make it short and sweet. I think there is a larger ethical issue here beyond just the breakup. People who don't condone bigotry should be vocal about it so that it isn't considered socially acceptable to talk that way. She can keep it short and sweet while still telling him his racist words are wrong.
someone2 Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 This is a good opportunity to ask this, what do you guys do when you talk to someone who is a racist, and s/he starts talking trash? I am not talking necessarily in a date situation. Just with friends. One of my friends quite simply hates ANY one that is not him. I swear to god, he hates blacks, jews, chinese, indians, and sometimes christians too! Everytime he starts talking trash, I get agitated inside, and I have no idea what to say, so I just shut up. I feel so guilty afterwards.
Art_Critic Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 I think there is a larger ethical issue here beyond just the breakup. People who don't condone bigotry should be vocal about it so that it isn't considered socially acceptable to talk that way. So you are saying that she should try and save the planet by picking a fight with someone over his racist views ?.. and the reason is because it is an ethical issue ?
allina Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 I think you can break up with him without specifically pointing out that you think he's racist. No way! He should be confronted, it'll embarrass him and hopefully make him think. Say something like "I was really starting to like you till you made those bigoted remarks in the car the other day. It really turned me off and I don't date racist bigots, bye."
bridget_jones Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 I think there is a larger ethical issue here beyond just the breakup. People who don't condone bigotry should be vocal about it so that it isn't considered socially acceptable to talk that way. She can keep it short and sweet while still telling him his racist words are wrong. She can do that but also there is nothing wrong with the way I suggested, either. It's a perfectly acceptable way to break up.
Storyrider Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 So you are saying that she should try and save the planet by picking a fight with someone over his racist views ?.. and the reason is because it is an ethical issue ? Absolutely not. A quick, "I don't date people who use racist language," should suffice. She doesn't need to have an argument or a discussion about it. But he should know his views are not OK and that he should keep them to himself. I'm sure he'll never change how he feels. But a little slap in the face (figurative, not literal) might keep him from spouting off. People always complain about how they can't change society by voting, etc. Then, when presented with everyday ways they can make a difference, they bail out.
bridget_jones Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 No way! He should be confronted, it'll embarrass him and hopefully make him think. Say something like "I was really starting to like you till you made those bigoted remarks in the car the other day. It really turned me off and I don't date racist bigots, bye." When it comes down to it, he is still entitled to his opinions, and even doing that is not going to change his feelings about it and it's not her job to do that. I just think the purpose of breaking up is to end it as cleanly as possible. Now if they have done something personally to hurt you, such as cheating, or is rude to your mom or something, then that is a time I would do that. It's just a matter of opinion I guess. See I'm all about the "disappearing" don't pick up the phone act, too. There would be nothing wrong with that in a case like this.
bridget_jones Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Often when you are breaking up with someone, they know the real reason anyway. For example, I recently broke up with this guy because I felt we were too different in lifestyles. He immediately said "It's because I told you I smoke pot a few times a week, isn't it?" This was the truth, Idon't want to date someone who does that, but I felt the way I said it was a nicer way. So you could still say "I think we have different values" or something of the like would be perfect in this situation.
Sevenmack Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 Bigots aren't ignorant, at least not without being willfully so. They can actually have close friends of another race or ethnicity and still not see that an entire group can share their own humanity. They usually don't need some sort of education; they need to be enlightened. And that won't happen until they decide to seek out enlightenment on their own. Anyway, Guest should dump him and tell him why. Not only does it knock out any thoughts of a reunion on his part, but it allows you to explain to him that his ideas are repugnant. As Storyrider says, she doesn't have to give a monologue on this; just say: "I'm dumping your bigoted a-- because you are a bigot. Get a clue."
bridget_jones Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 If I'm doing the dumping, I just want it to be as quick and painless for both parties as possible without inciting a strong reaction. That's just me I guess.
Art_Critic Posted March 30, 2007 Posted March 30, 2007 A quick, "I don't date people who use racist language," should suffice. She doesn't need to have an argument or a discussion about it. I can agree with this.. if the honesty track is the way the OP wants to go it should be just quick and short.. no details that would incite an argument
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